My wife and I have been together one way or another for..... close to 40 years now. I dropped the T-Bomb on her almost 6 years ago now. She also knew from day one I had "issues", as well as my history of dealing with them.
Like you, six years ago I thought that through the shear force of will I CAN. I made it this far w/o needing to do anything.... anything but fight back. But I suspect like you are today realizing, that "Fight" has been turning you into into a lifeless, soulless, joyless person. I really needed to do something about how I was NOT handling being trans.
Today, I still have no F'n idea what sort of trans person I am. I need to present male for many reasons. I know my true joy lies in living a totally genuine life as a female. I wrestle most days with the trade offs... What I loose, vs what I gain.
Throughout all this time, through MANY to most of my "WTF Am I Doing
" meltdowns, has been my reality therapist, my BFF, my soulmate, my wife. My No. 1 Ally, reminding me of what I know is true, "I know what does not work". She has been my life partner, still is, still likely to be for today. Still doesn't like, at all, the loss of her man, her husband, and aspects of our shared life dreams of a future together.
Taking on the trans-beast is not an easy thing to do. Having an ally by your side helps a lot. Having a partner by your side that knows all your buttons, and you know deep down in you heart can and will never try to understand, for whatever reasons, your feelings you tried so so hard to shield them from, will no doubt derail any attempt you make to find joy. To find true peace.
You Know what does not work.
You Know what will not work.
You also know if your husband really truly cared, he will also transition, make changes, in his own life and how he thinks about himself. At least to try, to feel out, to perhaps realize it is the person, the spirit, your soul, he feel in love with married. Yet by all your indications he is not that sort of person. Perhaps not the man you thought he was.
Before my wife and I officially tied the knot about 15 years ago, one of the "Agreements" we had was that if the other wanted out, then that is it. Depart as friends, not as enemies. We both place the others needs and happiness above our own. I know all too well how hard it is for her to part of what I am dealing with. I've heard many times "I did not marry a woman" lately, "I cannot think of you as a man anymore", "I cannot think of you as my husband". Hardly a week goes by by without me feeling depressed by the shame and guilt of being me and TOTALLY F'N UP our life dreams.
Yet she is still by side. Perhaps loves me even more today then in the past because I am a far better person. I knew all to painfully well 6 years ago after my third TG Support Group meeting the time was almost too late to tell her what was up with me. I knew I needed to be there. Perhaps even more then I needed her.
It seems like you know what you needed to do.
To assuage your feelings of shame and guilt you can keep the door open for him. If he wants to change, he will put in the hard work to. You'll be offering him the option an opportunity to. The rest is up to him
What has kept my wife and I tenuously together all this time has been the always difficult open and honest communications. At first EXTREMELY difficult for me, since being trans meant talking was dangerous, something may slip out. As difficult as it was for me to do, it was even more important to. My wife responded in kind.
You know in your gut what is the best thing to do to survive.
