I was musing today about the uncertainty of life. When I was young I thought I knew my story, but looking back I realise I never really did, and I wonder where life may go next. I thought I'd share the journey with you, because it strikes me that there is one thing which stands out, and that is that life will always find ways to surprise you. You may think the challenges you face today are insurmountable, but truly they are only the stepping stones towards things you can't yet imagine.

So...

QuoteWhat happened to shy little James, born as we entered the 1960's, clinging to his mother and hiding from all the other children? He announced he was really a little girl called Jenny, and not wanting a confrontation while they warned him that people might laugh, they let her put on a dress from time to time and she seemed much happier.

What happened to the slightly androgynous little girl skipping around outside her school? Puberty and lack of blockers forced her to become again an unwilling young man.

What happened to the awkward misfit young man, uncomfortable in his own skin, studying physics, and working on software for exciting aerospace engineering projects? He soon Re-Jenny-Rated underwent a full medical transformation and became once again a young woman who now worked in broadcasting. (as it happens on some of the 1980's seasons of Dr Who amongst other things!)

What happened to the young broadcaster, living in London juggling family with work, and caring for her elderly mother. She threw it all up eventually signed up with the Royal Navy and moved her family to Cornwall.

What happened to the wealthy woman, living the dream, a life of luxury by her swimming pool, fostering children, sitting out in the Cornish sun? She went back to university and became a writer.

What happened to the struggling new writer, trying to finish a book and a screenplay, while looking after her dying partner? Fate quietly took all of her old life away and gave her a new one. She ended up in London studying medicine, no longer with a partner, no longer rich, book unfinished, dreams all faded or fading.

What happened to the rather older medical student, now widowed, suddenly feeling slightly lost, and mourning her carefree youth. Struggling to learn how to cannulate, crawling out of bed at 6am for ward rounds, wondering how she reached this point, and where the road leads next?

Come to that, what happened to all the certainty? Once upon a time it mattered to me who and what I was. I thought I knew. I was convinced enough to fight for it and win it, in an age before the internet, when even the term trans hadn't yet been invented.

Now several regenerations later, I have to admit that in many respects I no longer know the answers with any certainty. Am I male, am I female, Am I cis, am I trans, am I gay, straight, bi, am I old or young? All of these things would appear to have an easy answer at first glance, but scratch between the surface and I eventually conclude that none of them is actually entirely true.

I am just me, in a way I don't really know what I am, but I have no discomfort or feelings of wrongness about it, so I guess it doesn't really matter. The only thing which frightens or worries me now is how I'm going to cope with the remaining two years of my medical training, and that does scare me a bit. It's not easy, particularly when you get injured and your body reminds you that you are thirty years older than most of your colleagues.

So how does this story continue? I just don't know... yet.

Discuss.

I hope this bit of reflective writing might be helpful to someone, but equally I'd genuinely love to hear your reactions and thoughts (if any).

I can certainly relate to the concept of regeneration and regenderation... it's like I've sequentially been about five different people (at least) so far. I've reinvented myself, my name, my presentation a few times. It's a wonder anyone puts up with me. I think I've finally worked out who I am now. I hope!

Wow Jenny, that's powerful and poignant. You have certainly had a very full life to date, filled with joy, pain, loss and rebuilding.

Your strength, and obvious perseverance has driven you, time and time again, most only re-invent themselves once or maybe twice in a lifetime, you have superseded those averages. Maybe, as you say it is just that you are you, living you... good luck with your last 2 years of medical training.

Just as a by...

Interestingly in the eighties I never knew who to talk with or who would even listen about my needing to be female... so in the late 80's I moved out to Australia, you know, the land of the rugged, to try and put behind me years of inner torture, only to discover it wasn't as imagined. So it started again... wasn't until nineties and internet that I discovered GID/Transgender etc... That was the start of my long final journey (been gradually ticking all the boxes, only a couple to go).

Katy xx

I was updating my high school profile on the class web site (no, haven't changed the name yet) and when I reached the interests section. I found I had a long list each representing a phase in my life. Additional things I didn't put down were personal in nature. I think we are special because we combine our old and new life. Much like sound the two produce harmonics so the sum of the two lives produce a far greater result than the normal CIS life. People who look down upon us don't understand that there life is dull when compared to ours.

Thank you, Jenny.
I enjoyed reading and thinking about your life experiences and challenges, both within and behind the words.......and it`s clearly several live`s worth!

Some of our generation, say of life: "Relax, it`s just a ride".........yes, but what a ride!!!

Now, they may call us 'early-identifiers' what they will.........but despite (or might it be perhaps; because-of) our young onset gender-identity challenge, we have indeed been able to achieve our dreams, reborn.

thanks for sharing, quite interesting . Did you get to go anywhere in the Tardis

Thanks for sharing some personal history and life lessons Jenny.  How fortunate that some of us do have the motivation and the resources to transition, in more ways than one.  Many of us continue to have those weighty options and choices for self actualization and reinvention.  It was once common for people to be born into a region and occupation that rarely changed.  The freedom to call our shots and sing our own tune is priceless.

Thank you for sharing your quiet thoughts. Its in these moments that we stop and listen to our minds and hearts and ponder back on our lives. I know that for me, it causes me to put a little smile on my face.  Your story tells me that you are a genuine and caring person on the path that life has set in front of you.  Just 'follow the yellow brick road' and I have a very good hunch that its leading you to your Oz.

Thank you ladies - tuth is I was having a bit of an internal wobble yesterday, about the tough road ahead and your replies did a lot to pick me up. I know its a sligtly different issue that I face, but whether one is in the throes of gender transition or as I am some other major life challenge, the feelings of inadequacy and doubt are pretty similar. In the moment, and looking ahead, its very easy to feel daunted and lost. So I thought sharing my reflections might strike a chord with someone.

Oddly looking back sometimes makes it worse for me, because I realise the massive journey that I've already undertaken and the annoying little voice from the back seat starts asking "are we there yet?" At such times what does really help is talking to other people, like your good selves, who are also on the road to somewhere.

So thanks for your comments - they did help a lot.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 29, 2015, 12:38:25 PM
thanks for sharing, quite interesting . Did you get to go anywhere in the Tardis

lol  I wish... Gallifrey would be my first choice.

Oh Jenny!

As we both know, the fight we face is never over. Being trans is often secondary to our ambition and drive. We seem to manage it and if I dare say, some times blame our gender issues for our 'inadequacies' (perceived usually and not real, but they seem so real!).

This is the reason I worry about so many of the trans*people I meet who think that dealing with their gender issues is the solution to life.

Of course it isn't. Life has more curved balls that we can ever expect.

I think that for many of us who have dealt with the gender side of our life, then see where the Forest of life is; the place where we all live and have to cope with.

It could be a case of not seeing the Forest for degrees.

My apologies

Quote from: Cindy on June 30, 2015, 04:10:04 AM


It could be a case of not seeing the Forest for degrees.

I was getting all misty eyed reading this thread 'till I read this and guffawed...thanks Cindy!

And thank you Jenny! Wow. I thought I was doing alright in the "interesting life" department.

As I was first approaching transition a few years back my life had just all but fallen apart. My job is the only consistent factor but I had just quit one of my two so that was changing too. My subconscious wouldn't let me know what was coming for the first couple years. As I said to my family and friends at the time "a big change is afoot, I just don't know what it is". Even as my self awareness awakened I could see how many dreams I had pursued, and seen fail thanks mostly to dysphoria (it ruined my dreams to live them as a man). It did give me a sense of confidence, a realization that I am an adventurous achiever. Right now I am trying to get semi stable so I can work on the first couple years of transition. But I am also feeling done with my career. I have gone about as far as I want to go with it. I once stuck to the artworld like glue because it was all I had. Now my need for it seems to have run its course.

I do feel actually reborn. My life has rebooted back where I started to die emotionally, at puberty. It feels amazing to have the chance to grow again. To re examine what I want right now. The possibilities seem vast and endless. I have even considered finally going to college. Or moving to another town, state or country. Or getting in on the bottom rung of a new trade. Or starting a buisness. Or all of the above.

In my life right now I have very little. No possessions, fixed address, huge debts and or obligations to anyone. I have gone so much further in my job (which I never had an aptitude for, I took it to "be a man") than I expected to be capable of. So I have my jumping off point.

Reading all of this and then blabbing out my own reply has really helped me feel good about all of that, thanks y'all.

Jenny,

Thank you for sharing such personal insights. I am an infant in my trans journey. However, I have redefined my career a number of times myself( and am looking to do so again in a few years). It does bring up questions but I guess all of life does.

This gives me an idea of how things change and don't as we progress. That alone is worth gold to me personally.

Thanks for your work on Dr Who in the 80s. I was watching. They even later, named his daughter after you, how nice.

Medicine is tough, time wise. My work required a similar amount of focus and time when studying. Luckily for me I did it when I was in my twenties. You have my admiration. I would have troubles putting those hours in now (although my job does require that of me at times).

I hope it becomes easier and smoother. I hope the comfort in yourself has grown to a point where the other questions are less about primary aspects(I also selfishly hope that comfort or lack of discomfort is something I can achieve). Good luck and I hope you find the rest and strength you need to get what you want. Till the next time .

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on June 30, 2015, 04:51:46 PM
Dr Who in the 80s. I was watching. They even later, named his daughter after you, how nice.

Lol - I would love to think that was so... I have actually met Steve Moffat a few times having been to various screenwriting gigs where he has been present, although really I think I have a better claim on the little in joke, for those that spotted it, of the Transgender horse called "Susan" in A Town Called Mercy...

Thankfully I'vr never had any, what you would decribe as primary discomfort as I grew up openly trans and encouraged to express that by my crazily forward thinking parents in the 1960's. As for my age - I'm 55 and most of the time I can run rings round the 20 something year olds, I can also mostly still do crazy stuff like sitting crosslegged on the floor and partying to 1am the night before a 7am start... which is also part of why I got depressed because I've been fighting to ignore a torn supraspinatus for some time. I fell heavily on my shoulder trying to protect my iphone when I tripped in the street, and after sevral months of ignoring the quite severe pain, I've reached the point where I have to admit it isnt healing itself, and I probably do need to go see about it... Sounds silly I know from a medic, but this offends my "iron man" indestructible image.

Hey ho - I'm probably still doing better than most 40 year olds so I shouldnt complain I guess.

Quote from: Cindy on June 30, 2015, 04:10:04 AM
It could be a case of not seeing the Forest for degrees.

My apologies

I should think so! lol - The medical degree will of course be my fourth graduation... So I shall have more letters than name.

I love your picture

Quote from: Dena on July 01, 2015, 04:30:21 PM
I love your picture

Thank you Dena - 55 years old, no cosmetic surgery other than SRS 30 years ago, and no makeup ever used... I don't think I look too bad for my age, though sadly its not a patch on my youth when I used to stop London traffic, but we all age and looks fade.

I shan't be leaving the photo up for long as obviously given my future career, I need to be circumspect about privacy.

I give a big thumbs up for the picture. I always wondered what you looked like.