As i told in many threads here my transitions was no success story. Ive to fight for every little step and result, no real HRT effects, softer skin and face, a bit less muscles ... no main effects called "change". So my body is masculine anymore - same measures as everytime, my face a bit feminine, my hair is masculine - damaged and thin.

These points force my to live between the genders. Maybe people call me woman, but naked in front of a mirror i'm a mixd beeing. Before my transition i always thought hormones will make my body feminine in some way - no model measures or like a super woman - more like my mom or my sister, ordinary look of a woman. But i see me in the mirror and no, thats still a man there. So far that ...

If anybody has the same problems: How do you handle that? I mean, i started the journey for living the life of a woman and after more the 3 years its more like my old life with any nice additions like makeup and clothes - but all in a all nothing really changed for me. I have men problems, like to much body hair, beard, hair lost, to much fat on the belly - thats real men problems. Ive have no cellulite or to much fat on the but or hips, problems with my hair style ... i mean THATS are real women problems. Sooo, nooo - thats no life of a woman and that makes my very sad.

I'm half a man, half an woman.
I am not aware of that at my beginning. 

big hugs... Galaxy,

I have a few of those issues too...

Can I ask you? Have you discussed the HRT effects with your Endo, for example blood test numbers for E and T counts!
Also did you engage with a Therapist? Maybe worth chatting about your feelings??

BTW it took me more than 7 years to get all body changes except buttock fat increases... but I am quiet old, and they could all be better!!

I think many of us still have Dysphoric turns pre GRS/SRS and shape is not what we pictured.
But many Natal women also have many issues too... but they have not had to battle high levels of T.

I would start with Endo and Therapist, then maybe look at body laser and Electro, mix depending on skin tone and hair color.

I hope that helps a little, unfortunately there is no magic wand, we do have to work a little harder 

hugs Katy

So sorry to hear that. I know when I started my transition that I knew hair on my body would be an issue, but never thought the facial hair would be so bad that I would really have to kill most of it twice which was so frustrating to me at first when that became clear to me. I also had hoped the hair on top of my head would be quicker at filling in and getting longer yet it hasn't. I have no way of knowing why your body is responding the way it is, but I do know diet and environment can play roles too. I would talk to your Endo and see what they can do and make sure your levels are where they are suppose to be. One thing I have learned from my transition is that realistic expectations are so important and that things don't always go the way we hoped they would. The hiccups I have had are frustrating, but are things that have made me adjust my expectations even more and make changes to the plan to accommodate them. Yes in the back of my mind I probably knew this was going to happen that way yet I tried to avoid thinking about it. I also think your therapist could be wonderful at helping in this regard to because clearly your not happy with your transition to date. Many of the issues your talking about I'm dealing with in my transition and that includes the little bit of extra body weight I have right on the belly.  Seems to be a family issue for me though since my mom and sister are plagued by it too. There are different things you can do to deal with these issues though. I'm not sure what your situation is, but depending on what you can afford to do. You can have hair removal done to help deal with the body hair. Body hair is an issue we all face including CIS woman. I look at my mom's arms and they have been covered in white hair at times. Epilating, waking, shaving are also good options if you can't afford electro and laser. I still have to shave spots now even though some spots laser and HRT have taken care of. If your hair is like mine was starting out and to some degree now a good wig can take care of that issue. I have even slept in mine on many occasions. When I take the wig off and I can easily see what your talking about, but it's how I view what I see that is changed and that helps me see the woman in the mirror even with the hair issues. I can remember at one of the classes I have to take each year to keep my certification up the female teacher talked about her hair loss and told us to keep certain things in check or it could happen to us to. It's important to note that CIS woman face this same issue everyday too. I was reminded of it that day. Now as for the belly well it's a woman issue to. I can remember talking about it with one person as she referred to it "muffin top". Again clearly reminding me that it's an issue even CIS woman face. I try not to think of them as men's or woman's issues, but as issues we all face regardless of gender. I hope your able to make the progress in your transition your looking for. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Galaxy, I have some of the same problems, though not to the extent you have. When I'm naked in front of a mirror, no wig or hat, my high forehead and pattern baldness make it clear I started life as a male.

Can you remind yourself that femininity is not something we "earn" by looking like a woman?

Femininity is something we have inside ourselves that is independent of what we look like.

It helps me to remember that every woman, cis or trans, has things about herself she doesn't like. It's nearly a universal condition of womanhood. When I have feelings about hating my looks, I realize I'm in sisterhood with 3,000,000,000 other women in the world.

Nearly everyone in my life knows I didn't start out female-bodied. But everyone accepts me as a woman. Because my gender is something I carry inside me, not something I need to earn.

Does this help?

I dont see my transition as a checklist. I really know what to do for hair removal (i had 15 laser sessions) and my HRT is controlled my a endocrinologist, my blood levels are good - the last 6 month i got injections. I have a low SHBG - even with injections and 1400 pg/ml - but my docs means that cant be the problem.

You can believe my, i was doing everyhting possible for having good results ... i'm doing diet and excerises. I'm not fat, BMI 20,5 but my body looks not like a female one. Like i said ... transition is not anything of adding some facts of a checklist and if entries are checked youre a woman! Ive checked all, my SRS will be in two month. But i'm still more man than woman. A woman has totally another body shape and look!

Quote from: galaxy on June 30, 2015, 09:36:20 AM
But i'm still more man than woman. A woman has totally another body shape and look!

No. Please let me disagree.

Women come in all sorts of looks and body shapes.

You are already every bit as much a woman as you need to be.

The rest is just appearance.

Thats not true. A human beeing is a fusion of the soul and the body. You cant devide it - but in our case it is devided. And thats the main problem. Appereance is very important to me because i try to identify myself as this fusion i wanted to be - a real woman. Have some feminine body fat is not a simple question of appereance - it is a part of beeing what i am. I cant explain it with words - every part of my body is a part of big puzzle and i want to solve this puzzle. I dont want to have my feminine side in the head only, i want to feel and see it - i want the right home for my soul.

And for me - the social role doesnt matter. I live for myself, not for society. This role is the consequence of beeing a woman.

I am still in early stages of HRT and haven't transitioned socially yet.  I have many of the same concerns as you.  One thing that really helped me was reading Janet Mock's book.  At the very end she talks about giving up on the idea of chasing what she thinks she is supposed to be as a woman and decides to own who she is instead. I balled me eyes out when I read because that's what we all really want I think,  is to be ourselves. I keep thinking back to this to help me get through when times are tough and transition feels impossible. 

Quote from: galaxy on June 30, 2015, 09:36:20 AM
I dont see my transition as a checklist. I really know what to do for hair removal (i had 15 laser sessions) and my HRT is controlled my a endocrinologist, my blood levels are good - the last 6 month i got injections. I have a low SHBG - even with injections and 1400 pg/ml - but my docs means that cant be the problem.

You can believe my, i was doing everyhting possible for having good results ... i'm doing diet and excerises. I'm not fat, BMI 20,5 but my body looks not like a female one. Like i said ... transition is not anything of adding some facts of a checklist and if entries are checked youre a woman! Ive checked all, my SRS will be in two month. But i'm still more man than woman. A woman has totally another body shape and look!

Hi, Galaxy

I'll be very specific here, about the hair removal issue, in an attempt t try and help a bit.

First, how I was before transition and now, facial hair-wise:

Before transition, I had regular beard, facial hair and mustache. Color was from medium-dark brown in some areas, to medium dark and very, very light color, almost colorless. Those ARE NOT grays. I've always had that combination of three facial hair colors in my face, so let's say it was like 33.33% for each color, before hair removal and HRT. Btw on July 14 will be my 6th anniversary on HRT.

Now here is the list of what I have done and the results:

1) 14 sessions of laser for face only. Result: I estimate I lost about 30-40% of my facial hair. That would probably be the darkest or "easiest" hairs to remove (white skin plus darker hairs = easy laser or IPL removal).

2) Having been frustrated with the laser results, I tried facial wax removal with my cosmetologist, maybe for year and a half or two, when I just started HRT. I went every month and a half or so. In the first session I did bleed and my face was a mess the next day, but I survived and it never happened again. I estimate I lost 0% of hairs, but I think my existent hairs became less thick and less evident, maybe the color lightened up a bit as well.

3) Having been frustrated with the laser AND waxing results, I went on to try IPL hair removal. I think it was 3-4 sessions, every month and a half or so. I had 0% improvement. But NOW I know that it wasn't the IPL itself, it was rather the poor equipment and technicians what brought up my failure.

4) Having been frustrated with the laser AND waxing AND IPL results, this time I tried electrolysis. There was ONLY ONE PLACE where they did it in the city where I was living at the time. So I booked a two-hour session. The result? A big scar that never disappeared and ZERO hair removal. I never went back again. Again, I blame both the machines and the technicians, not the method itself. Old machines plus incompetent people equals a mess.

5) Having been frustrated with the laser AND waxing AND IPL and electrolysis results (accumulating all of them it would be about 30 total sessions already and about four years of my life), believe it or not, I kept believing I could improve my facial hair situation.

So my cosmetoligist, the one that kindly did the facial waxing sessions for me for about year and a half or a bit more, informed that she had just acquired an IPL machine, to use it primarily for hair removal anywhere in the body.

She is a very intelligent person with a degree in accounting and several certifications for her cosmetology-related work. She has her own clinic, so I am very comfortable with her attention and times, and also the fact that we can discuss at length and more in a friend to friend way than seller to customer, how she is going to do her work, before she even does it. Of course she took the "mandatory" training course by the manufacturers, and then a few extra ones from approved beautician schools, before even attempting to use the machine on a living person.

So, once she informed she knew how to use the machine, I booked with her my first appointment.

The result? Now I got rid of the medium-brown hairs all over my face. So I could say that about 66.66% of my facial hair is gone now, except those super-light, almost colorless hairs I've always had, specially around the chin area.

It took me 14 sessions (late October 2013 until early February 2015) of IPL, to say "this is it, I've accomplished the most I could from this method, I am done now". I think it took me until the 6-8 session to start seeing just VERY LITTLE results, but I stuck to it like a leech, because I had promised myself and my BF that I would undergo AT LEAST 10 sessions before giving up on it.

But here's the "secret info" on WHY it worked this time, as opposed to my earlier attempt at IPL hair removal.

a) The first three sessions I just trusted her to choose the right settings and power for the shots.

b) At the 4th session, I got paranoid (no results just like the previous IPL attempt elsewhere) so this time I politely asked her to please write in a notebook of mine the settings for different areas of the face, and the power used. So she did.

c) So from the 4th session and onward, we were checking the previous settings and making changes to them, specially in the power setting, making it more and more powerful every new session, until she got to the most powerful setting for "face".

d) Having reached the most powerful setting for the "face" part of the machine, and still seeing no visible results in my face at all and getting really frustrated one more time, BY THE 6TH SESSION, that is, almost six months since I started facial IPL, WE AGREED TO START USING THE BODY ELECTRODE, as opposed to the face one. i think this was the decision that really turned things around. See, she was already using that electrode for my hands and arms and a tad bit of peach fuzz I had in my lower back. So she started using a bit more than the top power setting for the face.

So from there on, she used just the body electrode for my face, increasing the power in every new session. I had to take a full Valium tab and a bunch of Paracetamol tabs before each session, to endure the pain which was very big specially in the area above the lips and to the sides of them.

As you can see, we had to learn and adjust on the go, that is the ONLY way we could succeed at getting rid of my medium brown hairs, which had been previously impossible to eliminate, as I described above.

Now, I can stay until four days without shaving my face, until the almost colorless hairs are just too long for me to "pass" *gosh do i hate this obnoxious word or what? face-wise, even with makeup. That's quite an improvement I think, for someone who started with almost regular male's facial hair.

Now about the other self-consciousness and frustration issues you described, I feel the same way in many respects, and I will be on HRT for six years already, in the middle of the month!

Yet to attack those issues, I do this:

* I never see myself as part woman part man, in the mirror. I see myself as part woman, part something else that is, very slowly, trying to match up the rest of my body. I NEVER EVER see myself as a man under any circumstance, even if some of my physical traits defy such a personal view of myself.

* I have come to terms (as many bio women do as well, it is a huge percentage of them believe it or not!) with the idea that if I need a little help clothing-wise to look a bit more the way I want to (that is, hourglass or pear shaped), then I will use such clothing items every time I go out in public. My body, as it stands clothing-less in front of the mirror before a shower, is always looking "approaching hourglass" but it seems to never ever actually hit the mark, simply because my rib cage and shoulder width are just too much for my hip width, which is actually the same or even better than many cis women my height, but the difference is always the upper body. So, for the hips, I use a pair or even two pairs of women's softball shorts with a bit of padding in the hip area, and that completes my hip with, to a more proportional measurement vs. my upper body. I also wear push up bras with mild padding, to compensate my issues with upper breast development. I also never wear anything half-sleeved or sleeveless in public because I am extremely self-aware of my arms.

So please, try to see the positives. See the mirror and think "I'm half a woman already, that's cool stuff the other half is something that is slowly evolving into a woman as well, so I will be patient and late hormones take its course".

I already made this too lengthy. I was gonna write a bit more about body hair, how mine was almost completely gone about a year or so since orchi, bottom line if you still have the marbles, regardless of your anti-androgen current and past regimen, ¡t may happen to you as well after SRS. For me, I lost tons of body haiir and gained some fat everywhere, but for the first time, I also gained it in the hip and breast area, in specific areas where i had never accumulated fat before.

Cheers

Bibi B.

The feminizing effects of HRT varies wildly. Yet there tends to be one common factor for us all, peace. Given my starting point I had no hopes of HRT helping with my looks beyond perhaps some breast development. Id did bring me what I had hoped for.

At 6 ft tall and big everything plus a deeper voice then the average male, any hope of passing also means a lot of effort. Both in terms of working on my looks and especially so my attitude. Years ago when I experimented with transitioning all I ever felt was like "Some guy in a dress" and guess what? I got the some guy in a dress result from the world.

I try to always present unambiguously female as I can. If people's first reaction is female, that sticks. Even my voice as deep as it is has not been an issue. (Ever hear a long term woman smoker speak? Even a 5'4 tall one? ) The peace from HRT has given me the gift of finally feeling happy being in my own imperfect skin. When I look in the mirror I see the joy of being a woman radiate from me. Even in my but-ugly male mode

I am 33 years post surgical and have yet to properly fill a 44B cup bra. With a hight of 6'2 and a best weight of 170-175 pounds I don't have much of a figure unless I am naked. Much of the figure I do have was added post surgical over time. If I gain weight it goes to my tummy and spare tire. Any man would be proud to have my shoulders. My voice is so low it should out me when ever I speak in public. The only surgery to may face was a nose job and that was in part to cover damage it had received.

My solution to the problem is I am careful in selecting what wear to cover my flaws. I keep a big smile on my face and and a happy tone in my voice. In my head I know I am a woman and I belong here and I don't worry about what they think. The result is that nobody stare or gives me second looks but treats me with the respect I deserve.

Quote from: Dena on July 03, 2015, 12:14:22 PM
I am 33 years post surgical and have yet to properly fill a 44B cup bra. With a hight of 6'2 and a best weight of 170-175 pounds I don't have much of a figure unless I am naked. Much of the figure I do have was added post surgical over time. If I gain weight it goes to my tummy and spare tire. Any man would be proud to have my shoulders. My voice is so low it should out me when ever I speak in public. The only surgery to may face was a nose job and that was in part to cover damage it had received.

My solution to the problem is I am careful in selecting what wear to cover my flaws. I keep a big smile on my face and and a happy tone in my voice. In my head I know I am a woman and I belong here and I don't worry about what they think. The result is that nobody stare or gives me second looks but treats me with the respect I deserve.

good philosophy