Hello i present myself, i am 23 years old male . As far as i can remember i am living with a gender dysphoria since i am 12. I remember myself wearing mom's clothes when she was gone to grocery or wherever. I did this until my back got to big because of muscular training i would say around age of 18. I also remember myself reading on the subject and reading transgender fictions comics and such every night. I was watching porn of female masturbating(never with man). I was praying before falling asleep that some magical power or whatever would turn me into a girl when i would wake up. I was very dissapointed everytime that i didnt work (lol) . I remember myself (and still is) very jaleous, envying pretty womens of my age that i was seeing at school,work, wherever. It was making me antisocial with girls, i was getting stressed when talking to them at school.

Now older i am convinced that i was retaining my dysphoria by getting myself into "projects" for exemple i did team sport during school when this was over i started bodybuilding . I kind of liked doing bodybuilding , started from a skinny 5.8''' 128 lbs at 13% bodyfat to  180 lbs at 4.7% bodyfat . Ended with 17.75 '' biceps and muscular frame over the course of 6 years. I lifted 315 lbs bench, 405 lbs squat and 495 lbs deadlift.  I also played A LOT  of video games, was kind of addicted to virtual worlds and such . Later on i got bored of games then started to play guitar ... However my problem with those projects is that at the moment i have no more challenge or i feel self-accomplished i completly stop and get demotivated and i am in hurry to get myself into a new project.

A few months ago i met my very first girlfriend (yes i was still virgin and i never kissed a girl until this age). It was not because i was ugly (i am actually cute, being pretentious sorry ) i could have been with so many girls in my life but each time i refused . I always told my parents and to myself that i wont have many relationship in my life, i will have only one and this will be the mother of my childs. So i have never been in hurry and i never felt the need of having a girlfriend.

So what happened next is i met this person and i knew this was the person i was waiting for. It was so natural with her.  I suddently stopped thinking of my dysphoria and even stopped masturbating at all. I moved to her place, we are living together since 3 month allready and we were talking about having a baby.

Ok.. so you must think i am happy right now but sadly i am not even if i have a situation many mens would dream of.  My dysphoria reappeared 2 month after when i figured that i was ALWAYS in need of hug. I actually prefered hug to sex , i always hated my genitals anyway.(not that we dont have sex together). You will say that it is normal everyone likes getting hugs but what scared me and did restart my dysphoria is that when i was doing hug to her, i was holding a part of her body , for exemple her legs and i was thinking they were mine. The psychological arousing to this is so high for me. So.. we had up and down like in every relationship then each time we were in small conflict i was begining having thoughts like i used to.(about transitionning etc.)  A couple week after that i couldnt hold those thoughts any longer and i told my mother about how i felt, who i truly was. She was very surprised ( she never had any doubt since i always showed myself very manly) but supportive. She recommended me to consult in a sexotherapy clinic wich i did.  A few days after that i had a big conflict with my girlfriend and i started packing my things to get back to my parent's house. At this point i told myself.. ok this is time to start transition.  So she helped me packing then after it was half-done she looked at me and said "do you really believe it is impossible together".  At the moment she said this i started crying and i hold her and told her that i think it is. There was no other choice at this time for me then telling her the truth about how i felt inside, who i truly was. We had a discussion about this and with astonishment she didnt quit me but took care of me instead.  She was very clear however that i must decide and be sure on whatever i want to do because she wont be able to live with a girl. She loves me but as a man.

so... we are still together but my disphoria is kicking so often. It is much harder to hold now since i came out. The only moment i am not thinking of it is when i am with her and when our relationship is healthly. However the more our relationship is healthly the less i think of it. When i say "thinking" it is a very big mess in my head in fast forward . I am covering the whole subject in matter of a few minutes (from transitionning thoughts to thinking about my girlfriend telling myself that i am good with her) then once the subject is covered it simply repeat in my head. It is very hard to live with those thoughts and i feel more and more depressed.

I am now at my fifth appointment with my sexologist, it helps me a lot but i understand that she cant take the decision for me. She  confirmed my GID today and told me that she could refer me to proper ressource if this is what i want to. She however told me that she can help me to find a way to feel more relaxed, less anxious and to gradually put away those thoughts. She however said i will honestly never stop completly thinking of it.

So... I know that some people here had a girlfriend before or still have one even after transitionning, am i right to think that there is a possibility that i can be happy with her without transitionning .. Does it worth it to lose precious time on a possibility that it may work. I am worried of taking the wrong decision and to waste "prime time" for taking hormones.

here are my measurements

-height: 5.7 ft (for some reason i lost 1 inch)
-weight: 153 lbs (i allready lost 20-25 lbs since a couple months, i was 8% bodyfat on february so this is muscle loss and i am more fat too about 11-12% i would say)
-chest : 37.5 inch
-waist: 30 inch
-hips : 37 inch
-bicep : 14.75 (flex)  12.5 inch (rest)
-neck: 14.3 inch
-calve : 13.5 inch
-forearm : 11 inch
-thigh : 22 inch
-butt : 38.5 inch.
-men shoes size : 8.5-9

I am a little worried of my upper body muscle mass, should i expect a drastic reduction if i decide to take hormones and expect a "womanly" shape.  Some people says it happens some other say you keep your muscles. I used to follow Jesslyngirl87 when i was younger and i was impressed by the change.. wish this would happen to me.


Thank you, i hope some can help me taking the right decision.

Hi Archlord, welcome to Susan's. Your size doesn't look like an issue with those number's. Once you let it loose it really is hard to hold back at least it was that way for me.  I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Welcome to Susan's Place. Only you can define which life path will make you happy. My roommate had a very male existence up until age 50 when she chucked the male life and became a female. People have been able to push the transsexualism into the background but you need to understand there is a difference in your brain from before birth that creates this drive. It is different from person to person but the only way to contain it is coping skills.
I coped with my feelings poorly between ages 13 and 23 when the emotions exploded to the point they could no longer be contained so I started therapy. How well you can contain these feeling, I don't know but suspect they will be a pretty constant companion for the rest of your life.

Only one person can advise you if you should transition or not and that you. GD covers a broad spectrum and thus methods to deal with, or manage it, also cover a broad spectrum. As you've already seen for yourself with diversions and distractions. Which is a classic coping mechanism. Followed by copious amounts of adult beverages. Then comes I got a g/f, that will cure me. Followed by we'll get married, that will cure me. Followed by I'll be a parent, hopefully a girl, and that will cure me. But as I said, the BEST you can do is manage it, or treat it.

I tried the 3D route (Diversions, Distractions, Denial) for a good 40 years. Fifty if you count the 10 between my first wanting to be a girl at age 4 untill adolescence. My wishing dreaming, praying to wake up as a girl phase was over by the time I was 10 or so. I was totally resigned to my fate. In many ways it worked. In many ways it turned my life into a total mess by stunting my emotional and spiritual growth.

As far as advice on what to do... Well my experience says to come clean with your g/f on your feelings, especially the part about the confusion. A partnership is made up with two or more people making decisions together. It is not fair to her and and any potential child to drop this on them at some future date, knowing how you feel now.

By the time my first wife and I got serious my transition experiment was behind me. I knew I wasn't like other guys and never will be. Yet I could be mostly like a guy and the occasional cross-dressing helped. Unfortunately she never knew any of this and the "discovery" did not go well. THe follow on fiance eventually was told, she was cool about it, even a bit supportive. But as wedding date pressure mounted, she broke. I wasn't "A real man". My current wife knew of my gender issues from day, the transitioning experiments, the need to cross-dress. She was supportive to a point. Dropping the T-Bomb on her 6 years ago was not well recieved. With a lot of work by us both, we are still together. The future is still unknown

I found with most life decisions one simple question yields the answers you need; "Which Pain is Worse?" The answer to it is allowed to, even expected to, change thoughout life

Every girl I know and myself included that went through transition will tell you we did it because we had no other choice.........

Katie : Well, honestly, I did have a choice. (There are a number of other women who have told similar stories when this comes up, btw.) I might have become more desperate if I'd tried to suppress things for too long, but I was neither suicidal nor miserable. I'm saying this mostly because the narrative of "no choice" convinced me I was not really trans and SHOULD try to ignore it until I was suicidal or something... I chose to transition because I would be happier, not because I was suffering .

With that said, it sounds like the bigger issue here is the question of suppressing things for the sake of someone else, which is generally not a good idea - it's heartbreaking to think of losing someone over transition, but much of the time trying to repress everything results in losing the relationship anyway, just later on and with more heartache.

For certain, everyone does have a choice to transition or not.

Personally, I believe what your sexologist said to be true- that you will likely never be able to stop thinking about it completely. Beginning to transition is perhaps one of the biggest and most mind scrambling judgement calls we must make of ourselves in life. It is not only uncomfortable due to the "what-ifs", but also incredibly exciting at the thought of ringing true to ourselves from the inside out.

This decision isn't something you can base on the experience of others, it must come from within.

GID is perhaps very related to body dysmorphia. As Joanne pointed out, there is a wide spectrum of dysphoria that one can feel. Perhaps you are looking for a slow/partial transition- maybe that will be enough to satiate your gender dysphoria. Then later you might find that you want the whole shebang, or maybe you want to return to full masculinity. Luckily, there are several options available to tailor this to whatever you need. That is what it's all about.

That part where you mentioned hugging your girlfriend's legs, my god. That is exactly how I felt in every single one of my relationships pre-transition. You brought tears to my eyes! I wish you the best and hope you find the right path. Keep ruminating on this, and know that you will always be accepted with open arms here no matter what your decision.

Hugs

Quote from: Katie on July 04, 2015, 09:36:48 AM
Every girl I know and myself included that went through transition will tell you we did it because we had no other choice.........

Yasss.

And to OP, I don't want to play the, 'I'm more woman than you' game. There is not a single day, that I don't look in the mirror, and imagine myself as a female. I look at my features, trying to imagine it, and some days I can just live life without being sad about it. Other days are harder.

Even though, I haven't remotely gone all the way yet, I don't consider myself a gay man, and I don't consider myself a man in general. It's like when I kiss a gay guy, in the back of my mind, I think... how can he be attractive to me? By luck, most of the guys I date are bisexuals, and yes I dated straight guys (who wanted just the sex; besides the point, it's about the pleasure; not the erotic) in my past. Gay guys generally don't like me much, and if they do, it's because of the sex or huge age difference (him being older).

I am a woman disguise (cursed/disabled) as a man. Not a man becoming a woman. I never can become what I already am. The brain is permanent, more or less, than the body is, there's a female brain stuck in my skull. I can change my hormone levels, my bone structures, and all that... but to get therapy to become a man? There's no such thing... I can be surrounded by men all day, but I am still feminine in my heart... their masculinity doesn't rub off me. I love men. And I love females for platonic friendships.

When I am with females, most of the time, I think to myself, "they are more masculine than I am at heart and soul? How?" They don't like the hard parts about being female at times, but it's part of the package, a package I gladly want. The attention, the assumption of inferiority of knowledge, the protection of men, yes, yes... gender rules from the 50s.

I feel like I am a woman of the mid-late 60s though, very feminine at heart, educated, strong, but will let a man tell her what to do, and cook him a meal if he brings in the bread. That's my thinking, though. I won't put up with total rudeness though, that's why 60s, and not 50s. Damn not 40s.

I put feminism back 50 yrs.

All women are different though, but I am just saying... if someone like me can tolerate my suffering, and it's a lot of suffering believe me, then HOW CAN YOU BE CLOSE TO THE POINT OF SUICIDE TO CHANGE?

At least, that's my guess, we change because of suicidal thoughts are too much.

If I had my true love with me, like you seem to have, than it would be tough to choose one over the other. But, even with the misery of my life, if he truly love me, then I wouldn't transistion all the way. I would accept a limbo stage for him to be with me (low estrogen/feminine behaviors/something), since I live for love. And true love is hard to find. And even then, IF HE DOES NOT ACCEPT ME AS FEMININE, he is not worth my love. I can only love a man, who sees me as a feminine being, and not as a real man. If he sees me as a man, even mentally, he is not for me.

He needs to open doors for me, do chivalry acts, and yes men done it for me; so it's possible.

----------------------

My advice, try to live as a female for a while, take spiro under a doctor's care (not estrogen quite yet), and if it makes you happier; work on it.

I'm not a therapist though'.

Quote from: Wild Flower on July 04, 2015, 12:25:43 PM
I put feminism back 50 yrs.

No, just 10.  Those traditional gender roles for women?  They're fine, as long as they're how you want to live.

The bad thing about what you've said is that you're treating domesticity, femininity, beauty, etc., as worthless traits.

Modern feminist theory says "Yes, some... even most women like living like that.  Those women are still women.  Respect their choices, and celebrate their contribution to society."

Feminist theory 30-40 years ago was very demeaning, and alienating to lots of women.  It accepted the patriarchal value system, and said that women should strive to beat men at their own ->-bleeped-<-ty games.  (note: there were definitely good things that happened in that era... I'm just listing the bad, because that's what people associate with the movement)

Quote from: sparrow on July 04, 2015, 12:48:18 PM
No, just 10.  Those traditional gender roles for women?  They're fine, as long as they're how you want to live.

The bad thing about what you've said is that you're treating domesticity, femininity, beauty, etc., as worthless traits.

Modern feminist theory says "Yes, some... even most women like living like that.  Those women are still women.  Respect their choices, and celebrate their contribution to society."

Feminist theory 30-40 years ago was very demeaning, and alienating to lots of women.  It accepted the patriarchal value system, and said that women should strive to beat men at their own ->-bleeped-<-ty games.  (note: there were definitely good things that happened in that era... I'm just listing the bad, because that's what people associate with the movement)

I am an anti-feminist (almost).

But I appreciate femininity, beauty, and such....

I don't know any easy answers, I waited 60 years to find the path to transition. Have I wasted my life , not quite sure, but I'm happy now.

Your story sounds very much like mine even down to the bodybuilding and girlfriend situation. I am still on the fence on transitioning, but coming ever closer to a decision. If you are worried about muscle mass just eat a very low protein diet and do tons of cardio and all the muscle will disappear. Only you can decide whether or not to transition.

Welcome to Susan's Archlord

So good to have you with us here.

A few things, I have wasted 57 years trying to achieve who I knew I was at 4... had awful body part Dysphoria at 5 till well into teens, managed to control it, done the appropriate male thing, got married had kids etc. Struggled all life with the waves of emotions... never got to desperation. Then at late forties learnt about what was wrong with me, couldn't do much about it, so at Fifty went on HRT after 12 years have achieved a not too bad feminisation, included reductions in shoulder and body mass, still not got a big butt... rest is more than acceptable.

Anyway, just saying that I did not know how or even how to do this stuff back in my childhood, teens and adulthood! So all I can say is, echoing others, the emotions and waves keep returning, stronger on each and every wave, then you have no more options left. So if you are sure don't waste your years thinking about it, else it becomes an "I wish I'd have" Oh and one of my delays has been to scared to tell my family, did not want my "issues" to rock the family life so I "suffered in silence".

Many partners are very accepting and understanding, other are not, hard to pick.

Good luck on your journey and look forward to seeing you around here.

L Katy 

I don't have any easy answers for you. I tried to keep it all under wraps. I failed. And my marriage of 30+ years failed because of it. One son no longer speaks to me. I've not seen my grandchildren by him in 3 years.

If I could go back and transition when I was younger, I would, without even one second's hesitation.

My advice, and you don't have to take it, is don't try to be a hero. Be yourself. If you try to be that hero, it almost certainly will come crashing down around you later anyway and then how will you feel?

If I were in your shoes right now, I know what I'd do, because I've been on the other end of that decision, and it was a mistake. I'd transition. Because you're never going to escape your dysphoria. At best, you'll cope with it, and for me that turned out to be no way to live after all.

For clarification when I said we had NO CHOICE. I intentionally left the interpretation of that vague.

I did not suggest that this means someone is suffering. For example I was not miserable when I began transition I simply came to the point where I DONT GIVE A CRAP WHAT ANYONE THINKS and it is NOW MY TIME...................

When I came to that mindset there was no choice anymore it was move forward with a goal and that's how I did it.

Ha this thread makes me feel really young. I am 19 and am considering transition. I probably came to the whole "I am a girl" because I have had it my whole life and am a little of an anti-conformist.

But also because i have very little to lose. I have no friends or qualifications and no practical plan to get either. The only risk really is the stupid comments I might get from people, but I get those anyways! lol

Quote from: highlight on July 05, 2015, 09:55:00 PM
Ha this thread makes me feel really young. I am 19 and am considering transition. I probably came to the whole "I am a girl" because I have had it my whole life and am a little of an anti-conformist.

But also because i have very little to lose. I have no friends or qualifications and no practical plan to get either. The only risk really is the stupid comments I might get from people, but I get those anyways! lol

Most of the time people are pretty nice even when you aren't passing. Having few ties can make transitioning easy but sometimes the support of others also helps in the transitioning process. It more or less depends on what you come up against.
Any age is a good age to transition at but the younger you are the better and the more life you get to enjoy in the new role.

Thanks everyone for those awnsers. 

As i am making progress with my decision, i decided to try a wig for the first time today.
I also went to see esthetician for eyebrows job ( but still as man)

Here is the result without makeup and pre-anything

Good place to start but next wig should be a shorter cut, possibly to the bottom of your ear and should also cover about half you forehead. We need to round out your face and that will help. You don't have a real male forehead so exposing some of it is fine. The eyebrows will need to be shaped but wait until you are ready to start moving in public. Makeup  will help as well. Over all I think your face can be made to work without surgery.
I think I looked far worst when I started so you have an advantage over me.

Thanks Dena .  You were right i am not really used to this so... i took new pictures with the wig lower in forehead.