Hello,

I am 36 years old and have struggled with the term transgender for about five years now.  I am married to a support wife and have recently started therapy.  Recently it seems my uncomfortableness with myself just keeps getting worse and worse.

Looking back I can remember wishing I was a girl since I was about 12 years old.  Then I dismissed it as some sort of thing like I like girls so its natural to want to be one.  By the time i was 15 I was having constant fantasies of being a girl and being treated like one.  I would come up with all kinds of ideas on how I could be turned into a girl at night and wish I would wake up a girl, while trying to go to sleep, and that could take hours, always had a hard time sleeping.  And its not just wishing, but a depression associated with such thoughts such as why did I have to born male, etc.

When I see women out my thoughts immediately go to I wish I could wear that outfit, or I like her hair, or I wish that was me.  I felt like these feeling would go away over time.  But here I am over twenty years later with the same thoughts.   

I used to think things along the lines if I was a girl I would do this or that.  Eventually the thoughts turned into actions and I am currently in a spot where nothing seems like enough to stop the thoughts or feelings.

I wanted to join the site for a while now but am a very introverted person and just deciding on a user name is a task for me.  Looking forward to trying to be more of an open person.

Kristen

Hi Kirsten, welcome to Susen's. I'm glad you had the courage to post. Your experiences growing up sound a like mine. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Thanks, one thing that does make me feel better is reading and learning that people have similar experiences as me as I struggle with the fact that it has taken so long for me to realize this. 

Hey hugs and welcome

Welcome to Susan's Place. Your story is like that of many on this site. We all have felt the discomfort of opening up and I was one of the biggest introverts of them all. If you stay around here, you should shortly be moving into the diarrhea of the mouth stage where your fingers will not be able to type fast enough. Also don't worry about asking questions because you have an enormous amount to learn about yourself and the world of Gender Dysphoria. I had my surgery 33 years ago but then went on to live a more or less normal life. A very short time ago I discovered my voice had become obsolete and there were better solutions available so I joined this site. I have discovered in the years I have been away, some new thoughts are out there about the gender spectrum and I need to learn about them along with the voice information I was after. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Hi Kristen 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: kirstenjade on July 04, 2015, 12:54:05 AM
Looking back I can remember wishing I was a girl since I was about 12 years old.  Then I dismissed it as some sort of thing like I like girls so its natural to want to be one.  By the time i was 15 I was having constant fantasies of being a girl and being treated like one.  I would come up with all kinds of ideas on how I could be turned into a girl at night and wish I would wake up a girl, while trying to go to sleep, and that could take hours, always had a hard time sleeping.  And its not just wishing, but a depression associated with such thoughts such as why did I have to born male, etc.

Hi Kirsten so nice to have you join us here at Susan's...
Sorry, is it Kirsten or Kristen

Anyway the part of your intro I have quoted reminds me of my childhood, so much its uncanny! Only variation is I knew from 4 but hadn't seen a girl to see the differences till I was about 5 when having a bath with my girl cousin.
But the praying for some miraculous change bit... oh yeah, for so many years and the Dysphoria with the body parts I knew I shouldn't have had was very traumatic reflecting back.

Anyway good to have you here and look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Kirsten.

Thanks for the all the welcomes.  Oh yea ha, its Kirsten.  I was near the end of my second bottle of wine when I was typing that. 

haaa, love it xx

Katy

Quote from: kirstenjade on July 04, 2015, 12:44:20 PM
Thanks for the all the welcomes.  Oh yea ha, its Kirsten.  I was near the end of my second bottle of wine when I was typing that. 

Any typos from me were made when I was stone cold sober. Blame it on my education or figure faults but not on the bottle