It's been 7 months since I started presenting, and 6 months since I began HRT.

I am so tired of going back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth in my head about my gender identity.

To top it off I have some nasty flaring of colitis symptoms which I had prior to transitioning. Things cleared up for a while, but the last 6 weeks have deteriorated.

As someone who works in the healing arts, it is incredibly frustrating to not be able to help my health, and I feel like I am making things worse.

Im 38, and about 2 years ago I started feeling like I was really just a repressed gay man who had been living as a straight male my whole life. Then I started feeling like I was a woman not too long after that. Where am I fooling myself?

I am so physically and mentally exhausted.

It's clear that I have to let something go in my life. Something inside of me is too terrified to come clean...

I feel like a liar half the time. Im so tired of obsessing over this. Something has to change.

I know that I isolate as some kind of defense mechanism, and I hide my feelings, but I cannot figure out what for?

I don't know if I am trans and it is so stressful.

I am going through a similar thing. I wrote about it in the 'HRT and the mind' thread.

My gender identity has become *more* fluid since transitioning. There was no question that I was identifying as female before.

I decided not to beat myself up over it. I am not an 'imposter'. It is not so simple. I have done what I have done to get to know myself better, and I am glad i did.

My best answer is to roll with it. You are you. No more, no less.

Hugs you I know this feeling I been having these confusing thoughts to but please keep fighting your a very sweet looking women 😊💖💖💖

Hi Sophie, I know exactly how you feel. However, you may also want to consider you've been only living as your preferred gender for 7 months so there could be some feelings of resistance. I say just let go of those thoughts moment to moment and just be you. No labels just your self Sophie - hugs April


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Thank you.


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Hugz Sophie! I know how you feel. I have periods where I flip from having a full commitment to transitioning to just wanting to stop. It's not easy and really draining with all the questions and doubts in your head. It's a battle that we all go through that makes us stronger in the end.

Have you thought of strengthening bacteria, for example by eating one or two cups of organic yoghurt for a few days ?


hugs

Thanks Alena.

Laura, I've thought about strengthening bacteria, but I avoid lactose. My diet is fresh, gentle, and basic.


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Hi Sophie;
I have posted about this before. I think you should make an appt with your endocrinologist and check your hormone levels.  What I have found a couple of times is that your body gets used to the dose that you taking. I stated off very low. Then the body over time starts building up a reservoir of oestrogen, but you get periods of self doubt, tiredness and dysphoria break outs. When I spoke with my endo, she checked my T levels and found that my levels were starting to climb again, not too much but enough to create a Dysphoria break out. My endo was aiming for a situation where my T Levels were under 2.5. I started at about 5.9 which is very low for a male. Unfortunately I can't discuss the dosage I am on, but  I do take Progynova twice a day only with no Blockers or Progesterone and now my T levels are down to 0.9. I am not getting any more periods of self doubt and I am feminizing very nicely with nicely rounding buttocks, 44B+ breasts and a slowly emerging waist. I just need lot ose 20kgs in weight (dieting and exercise). My endo reckons that my levels are pretty good and she tells me that now after 24 months on HRT I am hormonally now female with very little T production.  I am also on the cusp of male fail in that male clothes look very strange on me, but when in a dress or skirt, even women's skinny jeans or womens tight shorts, i look pretty good and pass pretty well. This has dramatically increased my confidence levels. But when I got the self doubt sessions, I realise I was having a break-out and knowing the signs asked my endo to agree to give her permission for an increase on my Oestrogen. Within 4 days I felt a whole lot better!

Tonite, I admitted to myself that I am a self-hating gay man and that I am pretending to be trans. I think I'm in shock.

Judith, thanks for taking the time to write all of that out.


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Just wondering if you have a therapist yet?

Contact me if you would like to, Sophie

Quote from: Sophie Lou on July 08, 2015, 09:11:47 PM
Thanks Alena.

Laura, I've thought about strengthening bacteria, but I avoid lactose. My diet is fresh, gentle, and basic.


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Ok... if you want to avoid lactose you might try fresh organic sauerkraut (not canned). They also have live bacteria, but don't heat or they will be gone...
it should be available in local stores.

hugs

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 09, 2015, 12:48:10 AM
Just wondering if you have a therapist yet?

Jessica, I am not. I'm going to try and find one today.



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Labels stink. If we didn't have a need to label everybody and everything we see, we could just be and stop the confusion.

Quote from: Zoetrope on July 09, 2015, 12:59:53 AM
Contact me if you would like to, Sophie

Thanks, I am gonna try and see a counselor. I will keep in mind about reaching out to you. Once thing is for sure, I have lots and lots of fear. Hugs

Quote from: Laura_7 on July 09, 2015, 04:52:25 AM
Ok... if you want to avoid lactose you might try fresh organic sauerkraut (not canned). They also have live bacteria, but don't heat or they will be gone...
it should be available in local stores.

hugs

Thanks, I had no idea.


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Quote from: Sophie Lou on July 09, 2015, 01:50:53 PM
Thanks, I am gonna try and see a counselor. I will keep in mind about reaching out to you. Once thing is for sure, I have lots and lots of fear. Hugs

It's ok. I really relate to what you're going through. You can still make this work, it just takes shifting the goalposts sometimes.

Take care.

Quote from: Zoetrope on July 09, 2015, 05:20:07 PM
It's ok. I really relate to what you're going through. You can still make this work, it just takes shifting the goalposts sometimes.

Take care.

Thanks for the beautiful analogy. It made me soften when I saw it.

Yesterday ended up being better. My insurance doesn't cover mental therapy for individual therapists so that wasn't happening.

However, I ended up springing to go see my somatic therapist, who is incredible.

During my mind/body therapy I relaxed under her support - and felt and pictured myself as a woman, and it was so peaceful.

If I could just feel that way all of the time I'd be so healthy.

So, I think that my fears & constant thinking (mental) are my conflict.

I'm probably simplifying but I experienced enough of a feeling-connection of being a peaceful woman to reinspire this leap of faith that I'm a transwoman.

This is such a leap of faith.




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It caused me a fair bit of stress to have my gender identity unravel half-way through transition. It affected my health, too. I was eating badly, not sleeping, and relying on antidepressants to stay calm.

One day I reached a point where I said, 'you know, so what?'

Sometimes I feel like a guy. Sometimes I feel like a girl. Most of the time I feel like both.

Just letting myself be - was the answer. As soon as I started being more kind to myself, my well-being followed.
---

Having all of these sides means that I can relate to and connect with so many different kinds of people. I find myself in so many unexpected and exciting situations. It has genuinely enriched my life ...

That's why I say you can make this work, regardless of how you end up identifying ... I hope this shaky period can be a stormy introducing paragraph, to a thrilling chapter for you.