Oh honey... you really sound so much like me a few months ago... now I feel largely the same way, but I'm more okay with it, and less fluid.
This is something that I've thought about for over a year and a half. I'm sure, and I'm starting to act. I'm seeking HRT. I'm making an electrolysis appointment tomorrow. I want a more female body, I want to rid myself of the male pronouns and the male label. I still have trouble making sentences with them/they, so I prefer female pronouns. But I don't identify as a woman. I feel like a tomboy. I will never be submissive or passive. My baritone voice seems impossible to change. Feminizing my every gesture and motion seems unnatural to me, and a ludicrous amount of effort. So, I'm likely to be pretty damned manly. But sometimes I like to doll myself up a bit, and if it makes boys squirm, all the better.
What you want is valid. What you're subconsciously drawn to is valid. You're a person. Treat yourself like one! Like it or not, first order of business is always "what gender?" So you need to learn to accept your own gender, before you can even tell what it is. If you're like me, you don't have a "choice" inasmuch as you are what you are. But you can find choices to make, and those will empower you. You can choose your presentation day to day, or for contexts (work, hiking, shopping, some bars, other bars). Or you can just choose one and stick with it. I've been rocking a boy above / girl below the belt thing for a little while. I kinda like it. It's summer, so that's meant just a skirt and flip-flops a couple of times.
Nonbinary folk are pioneers, every single one of us. We're not falling into one of the same two holes that 99.9% of humanity is stuck in. Pioneering is scary, hard work. Sometimes, the nonbinary, or the woman in you, will get scared off, or tired of the fight, or tired of the effort, and go into hiding for a while... or maybe the man steps up to protect the woman. But eventually, she will get bored in that tiny closet, "oh, look at this dress I found in there!", or see the pain the man is in, and shelter him away for a while. That's how my fluidity seems to work, anyway.
