How did you know transition was the right thing for you? What says it won't get worse?

In my mind, nothing says it won't get worse, but I try to keep a positive attitude and stick with the decision that I've made since it so far is still making me happy.

I'm still early on though and I haven't started presenting female yet or even going part time or anything really.  A bit of dress-up here and there, going to a support group en femme, wearing nail polish and mascara at work, etc...  I am on hormones though and I know that being a guy (exclusively at least) feels wrong to me.  Maybe I'll find a middle ground, but right now I'm headed as far that way as possible to see what it's like on the other side of the fence since that's what I want to do...  :-)

I know it's going to be a bumpy road filled with heartache and problems.  I just try to be an optimist about it and revel in the positives when I can and then figure out how to overcome the negatives.

As far as how I knew though, that's a toughy.  Looking back on experiences in my youth, I definitely had some gender identity issues.  I don't know "why" though.  I just knew and know now, that I'm not supposed to be a stereotypical guy.  I just have a personal preference for feminine mannerisms, body shape, thought processes, and clothes b/c I want to look pretty and flirt and dance (like a girl, lol, always have).

Every choice has the ability to get worse. That is how lives work here.

I am still questioning. I'm moving slowly (behind Kristina) into a hormone treatment and plan to start electrolysis for real very soon.

I think it was a collection of clues from my past. Then the realization that I always felt like (and wanted to be the female) in all the stories, movies, relationships, I have experienced. At first those thoughts made me highly uncomfortable. However, the more I came to accept them and work through them with a therapist, the easier life became.

I don't know how far I will be able to transition but I usually feel better about myself when I think about this conclusion. My wife is a little worried(as am I) how far it will all go. However, I think it was when accepting it all and seeing how I can proceed that I felt I could proceed. The future is totally unclear but it is not dark.

Not sure if that made sense. I can get more specific if needed but the question seemed pretty general.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

In my case over 3 decades of experience... 

Sorry that isnt meant to be snippy - but I wrote a rather relevant reply to one of our youngsters just now, who was wanting someone to tell them what to do... and I pointed out that life doesnt come with a guarrantee - so the skill of being successful isnt so much knowing in advance that every decision you take will be golden - because the truth is it won't... no the skill is to be able to take the decision good OR BAD - and MAKE it work for you.

I know it won't get worse because I have the luxury of hindsight and knowing that it didn't - but looking forward there was no way I could know that - even if I imagined or wished that there was! and indeed many of the "reasons" that I was "sure" this would be "right" actually turned out to be complete cobblers and a load of delusional rubbish - just like most pre-transition people. Almost everyone has unrealistic ideas before they start, heck reading some of the threads on here even some postops never never lose their bat->-bleeped-<- crazy delusions but it never works out as you imagine - Never!

BUT - it can still work out very well if you have the determination to make it do so! Thats ultimately how I really knew, because I know that, like my mother, I am not a quitter - I will take the worst disaster you can imagine and turn it to my gain! Thats ultimately the only way you can know! To know and have faith in yourself!

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 09, 2015, 10:29:59 AMHow did you know transition was the right thing for you?

When I got to the point where it felt like it wasn't really a "choice".  There was the what if? question that was entertained in my head all of my life, but that just turned into a feeling of I HAVE TO!.   I cannot accurately explain that feeling (dysphoria) any more than I could describe the flavor of chocolate to someone who's never tasted it.  I just know it got worse as time passed by.  It was manageable enough to not act upon anything in my teens/twenties.

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 09, 2015, 10:29:59 AMWhat says it won't get worse?

Only odds I suppose... I mean, it's possible that you wake up tomorrow and someone close to you had died overnight.  But the odds are against that happening.  In 2015, being trans, the odds are in your favor that everything will be okay.

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 09, 2015, 10:29:59 AM
How did you know transition was the right thing for you? What says it won't get worse?

I didn't know, though I'd wanted to be a woman all my adult life.

My therapist suggested presenting female in as many social situations as I could. I started going out presenting female. Later I joined an all-female feminist reading group (trans-friendly) and a divorced/separated support group. It was driving back from one of the feminist reading group meetings, dreading going back to my "real life" that I decided I couldn't bear a life where I didn't get to be Suzi.

Little off topic(sorry).
Jenny, that may be one of my favorite responses.

No promises, but lots of potential.

With warm wishes,

Joanna

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk

My path to realisation was kinda weird and internal. I first realised I wanted to wear girls' clothes because they 'suited' my personality better around the age of 12, but I brushed it off because hey, that was 'weird'. The phase would pass, right?

13, and I was female to everyone online that wasn't a real-life friend. Had no idea about hormones and my legitimate interpretation of a transsexual was your typical, slapstick 'man in a dress' visual... which I didn't want to be. I was heavily questioning myself at this stage.

17, and I was still female to everyone online that hadn't heard my voice. I was more comfortable as 'her' than I was as the person everyone knew me as. When some people found out that I wasn't 'really' a girl, their reactions were negative. I started to think of myself as a freak and got depressed. Due to a chronic medical condition, I was already pretty down and this only made it worse.

18, I got my first girlfriend. She was the first person that made me feel comfortable when I looked like a boy. Though I was in love and it was a fantastic experience that I wouldn't take back, I *often* looked at her and thought 'I wish I could look like that'. She loved my sensitive side because she was from such a rough and 'tough' family and loved to cuddle all day. It eventually ended due to her needing to move for University; I didn't have the money to follow and she couldn't not take her opportunities as they came. Unfortunately this left me with a 'he' that I hated.

20, my chronic condition is keeping me in high school so that I can finish it at my own pace. I had overcompensated since my ex left me and grown a thick beard that I left there basically because I was convinced I could never be the girl that I knew inside. Then I came across some MtF resources - real ones. Ones that told me all about HRT, which up to this point still held that 'man in a dress' stigma for me and I wasn't convinced... until I saw a BUTTLOAD of before and after pictures from all kinds of people! People that were older, more typically 'masculine', and that had a worse family situation than me. And yet they decided to make what was wrong within themselves right!

I did a ton of reading. I watched documentaries. My heart ached because I knew. This was what I had been feeling.

And it kinda hit me like a sack of bricks. I took a real good look at myself in the mirror, picking out all those little things I hated. Then I looked for the bits about me that were feminine. I only found a few,  but... to answer one of your questions, I wondered if it could get worse. I wondered if I would rather continue living as this person that I didn't relate to in the mirror, or potentially, as something between both genders that would never pass as what I wanted to be.

I decided I'd rather take a shot at happiness than settle for this body I'd been given. And that's kinda all that you need when it comes to this sort of thing. Coming out, whether it's to yourself or to your family, is so heavily influenced by what you believe and what you feel that you NEED. I want to be pretty, but I need to be female in order to be happy.

I know transition is the right thing for me, even though I'm still a couple of months from my HRT, because I feel so much more confident in who I'm going to be. I have goals, ambitions, and about a million progress selfies to look forward to. None of that existed before; my world was grey and full of distractions. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to get a convincing and natural female voice. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to slim down enough to look the way I want to look in a skirt and t-shirt. It could get worse - I don't know if it will or won't. But so far, rolling the dice has made me happier than I've been in years.

Not sure if this novella would have helped, but that's been my experience so far. You will face difficulties. You might not even know what you are for a while yet, but if you think this might be a problem that you're facing, and you relate to any of these feelings, then I'm sure almost everyone here would encourage you in exploring your identity as early as possible. After all, the sooner you start to transition, the better your results will be, and even if you don't transition, you might have worked out who you are along the way... and that's priceless.

Boy I sure can go on 

Well, I thought I knew.

I had been pretending to be a girl online for a few years. I needed to have those interactions - you could say in order to breathe.

When I came out and starting seeking treatment, there was no question I was identifying as female

12 months of HRT later, and I don't identify as female anymore. But nor do I identify as male.

It happens to some of us.

Where does that leave me? Openly transsexual, androgynous (having both sides) - and to be honest, enjoying it.

It's not so bad at all. It is a life of fascinating events and interactions. A vast improvement on John's life, and better than I thought it would be besides.

I was never sure if things would get worse or not, but I did know if I didn't at least try transitioning that things would never, ever get better.

Thank you Samantha, loved to read your story.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Whatever I do I'm still unhappy. So I met this guy 5 months ago, and we fell in love right away. So I've been in this gay relationship where everything was perfect. We planed trips, he wanted to meet my parents. The thing was that the only thing I felt was missing in life was me being female. I wanted long hair, jumpsuits and just be me. So, last Wednesday I told him, he said that he understood and that he will support me 100% but he can't be with me. ( he's gay ).

So since Wednesday I've been a wreck with anxiety attacks, crying my eyes out and I wanted to get off my HRT ASAP and just tell him that I will stay this way that everything was a mistake. But he refused, because he didn't want to stand in the way of me being happy 100%.

So then I started question myself again, even more than I ever did before. Will I ever be happy? I was happy with him - I  have never been so happy in my entire life. But I just went in there and ruined it for myself.

Maybe I'm just a gay guy who doesn't really like the gayscen? I don't know what I am anymore, or what I will be. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I'm always gonna be unsatisfied with myself.

Like if I don't transition I will think " Why didn't I " and if I do transition I'm worried I will think " Why did I do this? "

I was ready to pull the plug on life. That's about as bad as it can get, right?

How did I know it wouldn't get worse? I didn't but I did have friends who supported me, a community that was full of people who have transitioned and are happy, and a therapist who was urging me to consider transitioning, because after I agreed to stop lying to myself, how could I continue to live that lie?

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 10, 2015, 09:10:18 AM
Thank you Samantha, loved to read your story.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Whatever I do I'm still unhappy. So I met this guy 5 months ago, and we fell in love right away. So I've been in this gay relationship where everything was perfect. We planed trips, he wanted to meet my parents. The thing was that the only thing I felt was missing in life was me being female. I wanted long hair, jumpsuits and just be me. So, last Wednesday I told him, he said that he understood and that he will support me 100% but he can't be with me. ( he's gay ).

So since Wednesday I've been a wreck with anxiety attacks, crying my eyes out and I wanted to get off my HRT ASAP and just tell him that I will stay this way that everything was a mistake. But he refused, because he didn't want to stand in the way of me being happy 100%.

So then I started question myself again, even more than I ever did before. Will I ever be happy? I was happy with him - I  have never been so happy in my entire life. But I just went in there and ruined it for myself.

Maybe I'm just a gay guy who doesn't really like the gayscen? I don't know what I am anymore, or what I will be. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I'm always gonna be unsatisfied with myself.

Like if I don't transition I will think " Why didn't I " and if I do transition I'm worried I will think " Why did I do this? "

No thats not really the way it works... you don't transition for anyone else but yourself - and whether the relationship is gay or straight is imaterial. If your partner is not bisexual before you start, the relationship almost NEVER survives your transition. This is why its best to get transitioning done asap and then find someone who wants whatever you've become - because that way it works AND more importantly you are then at peace with yourself.

With respect your ex-partner is 100% right! 100% !!! If you have been motivated to get as far as you have, it unlikely that you'll ever be happy or stable until you fully explore your need to transition. Abandoning at this stage is a very high risk strategy and if you look at the people on this board there are litterally tens if not hundreds who abandonned tansition earlier in life because of some love or circustance only to regretfully resume decades later full of depression and anger that they lost all that time. By contrast there are very few who pursue transition and then regret - they do exist - but not as many as you might imagine, and usually they are kind of the opposite of you in that they transition to gain someone - rather than transitioning in the shadow of loss.

So my advice is try to see beyond the immediate loss, and look to the future, because there is one and its full of possibilities that you cant yet imagine.

When it comes to your relationship, you just have to define your parameters.

What do you NEED, what does he NEED?

Maybe you two can take it slowly and see how the process does or doesn't change you.  I have a gay friend who openly identifies with feminine apparel and wigs, but he still identifies as male.  He's just the "girl" in his relationships.    Obviously hormones are a big step, but it's an important one if they make you feel good and right and happy, then keep taking them.  There's nothing to say you can't be stuck in the middle if that's what you NEED.  A "guy" with breasts and estrogen instead of testosterone.  You don't HAVE to be male or female, you can be both!  Granted it can sometimes make the parts downstairs more difficult to use, so that's another bridge to cross, but not necessarily the end of the relationship by itself.

On the other hand, if you know that you want to be female already, then it's best to let him go and not string him or you along.

I hear what you both are saying. I just don't think I ever "loved" someone that much before. We've decided to try be "friends".. I'm not so sure how that's gonna work out but.. I can atleast try. And I guess his rejection of me just hit me very hard.

I got a feeling that even if I do transition I will never be satisfied with my appearance for some reason, I will never find love. I will never find someone who can like me. It feels like I'm just at the bottom and I'm drowning.
And my brain is constantly in these thought NO MATTER what I do. I have had anxiety attacks 3 days in a row now, so my sister came to live with me for a few days now. But no matter what we do.. I keep thinking about this.

Should I stop HRT and be happy with my X? Because I never been so happy? Or should I just try be friends with him and try turn his friendly support into something good and do transition?

And every 10 minutes I change my mind. " I NEED and WANT to transition! NOW! ".. and then 10 minutes later " No its ok, I'm breathing I'm alive, I have a job, I go to the university, I have my own apartment, and I could go back to my X who loves me" ... It changes all the time and it drives my crazy and it feels like I can't breath

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 10, 2015, 01:38:36 PM
I hear what you both are saying. I just don't think I ever "loved" someone that much before. We've decided to try be "friends".. I'm not so sure how that's gonna work out but.. I can atleast try. And I guess his rejection of me just hit me very hard.

I got a feeling that even if I do transition I will never be satisfied with my appearance for some reason, I will never find love. I will never find someone who can like me. It feels like I'm just at the bottom and I'm drowning.
And my brain is constantly in these thought NO MATTER what I do. I have had anxiety attacks 3 days in a row now, so my sister came to live with me for a few days now. But no matter what we do.. I keep thinking about this.

Should I stop HRT and be happy with my X? Because I never been so happy? Or should I just try be friends with him and try turn his friendly support into something good and do transition?

And every 10 minutes I change my mind. " I NEED and WANT to transition! NOW! ".. and then 10 minutes later " No its ok, I'm breathing I'm alive, I have a job, I go to the university, I have my own apartment, and I could go back to my X who loves me" ... It changes all the time and it drives my crazy and it feels like I can't breath

right so clearly you need to think this through... here are the questions and insights which i think may reveal an answer if you ponder them.

1. What was it that drove you to transition in the first place? If it was some sort of social thing then maybe just maybe you could stop and find a way to be happy - however if it was bodily dysphoria there isnt a psychiatrist or doctor in the world worth their salt who is likely to tell you that it will go away - in other words if you dont like your male bits that will never change... in fact as you get older it will probably get worse, so in some ways thats the killer question - do you suffer from physical dysphoria?

2. You realise I hope that love is like a drug addiction. It causes the same areas of the brain to light up, and you experience the same endorphin rush. So when it ends you will likely experience a form of withdrwal. Thats probably what is leading to your current instability of feeling - but take comfort - it will pass.

3. You realise you CANT go back to how you were with your partner. The genie is out of the bottle, they cant unknow what you've told them - and even if you were to say oh it was all a mistake, in their eyes they would always wonder if it really was - or if your proclaimation that it was a mistake, in a moment of pain, was in fact the real mistake. At the moment its clear you are in pain of loss, and like anyone would, you are looking for a way to make the pain stop. I can't give you a magic solution I fear, but I can tell you that you will feel better in a short while, and until then the wisest thing you can do is to make no sudden decisions that you will almost certainly regret later.

Decisions made in reaction to trauma are often not the best ones.

As for the rest we've ALL been there. You may think your looks or whatever are unpromising - but I assure you I've seen some amazing transformations. Become the person you want to be - and you will find someone who will love that person.

I was widowed 2 years ago. When I was growing up and transitioning over 30 years ago, believe me, things were far less easy and accepting than they are now. But i've had several wonderful relationships in my life one of which lasted five years and another of which lasted twenty five - so there will be someone. All you have to do is become the person that you need to be because people are most attractive when they are truly being themselves.

Thank you Rejennyrated. You should be my therapist..

2. I know you are right, I guess it just hurts very much now.

3. I know soon I will feel better but in the moment all I do is having anxiety-attacks with constant tears.

However, point 1.

I would say my dysphoria isn't that obvious sometimes. I mean, Ive been in 2 gay relationships, and I have been some uncomfortable for example having sex. However, the thing is.. the two times Ive been in relationships - I've been walking beside the guy and imagined myself looking how I feel. And so it goes.. I become happy when I meet someone, and I'm SUPER HAPPY.. until my thoughts of looking as I feel takes over and inhibits myself of being happy.

Ive tried dressing up female with wigs and stuff.. but I feel so fake that I never could go out like that. It doesn't feel right. And I'm not that into make-up.. I hope to be able to do my eyebrows and eyelashes and then be ready to go.. and be passable.

Just to get a pic of how I look:




This was me dressing up:



It feelt so good. but I felt fake with the wig bcs it wasn't my own hair.. and when I tried a bra on and stuffed it.. I felt fake..

I just don't feel like I ever can come to peace with myself

Just so you know, in all of your photos, you genuinely look like a woman.  I thought I would let you know.

HUGS,
Alexander

Quote from: SwedenMtf on July 10, 2015, 02:21:35 PM
Thank you Rejennyrated. You should be my therapist..

2. I know you are right, I guess it just hurts very much now.

3. I know soon I will feel better but in the moment all I do is having anxiety-attacks with constant tears.

However, point 1.

I would say my dysphoria isn't that obvious sometimes. I mean, Ive been in 2 gay relationships, and I have been some uncomfortable for example having sex. However, the thing is.. the two times Ive been in relationships - I've been walking beside the guy and imagined myself looking how I feel. And so it goes.. I become happy when I meet someone, and I'm SUPER HAPPY.. until my thoughts of looking as I feel takes over and inhibits myself of being happy.

Ive tried dressing up female with wigs and stuff.. but I feel so fake that I never could go out like that. It doesn't feel right. And I'm not that into make-up.. I hope to be able to do my eyebrows and eyelashes and then be ready to go.. and be passable.

Just to get a pic of how I look:




This was me dressing up:



It feelt so good. but I felt fake with the wig bcs it wasn't my own hair.. and when I tried a bra on and stuffed it.. I felt fake..

I just don't feel like I ever can come to peace with myself

Ok so lets cut to the quick now - you are drop dead gorgeous already - in all seriousness if you were in the UK and wanted to date a rather older 4th year medical student and soon to be junior doctor i'd be with you like a flash. You're going to be fine! Now I've seen you I'm sure of that. So be kind to yourself - dont fret - take it steady and it will all be ok.

Trusts Aunty Jenny - she's helped many to transition in the UK and you got this kiddo!

Oh and you dont need the wig - your own hair is fine.