Hey everybody,

this is probably my hardest post ever.
I'm a 33 old person. It would feel wrong to call me a man or woman at this point.
When I was a kid, all I ever did, was wearing my mom's clothes. My family constantly got angry for this and I got bullied and punished so hard that I decided to quit. They hated me for that. I'm no longer in touch with them.
At family meetings I dressed up like Madonna and did an act. I also had to quit because of the consequences.

I remember when I was about nine, a girl from my class said I wasn't allowed to play with Barbie because I was a boy, I was just saddened by this. When we went to the bathroom, I dropped my pants and hid my penis, I kinda turned it into a vagina with my fingers.
After this incident I had to leave the school and see a shrink. Those events were so traumatizing that I had zero chances to develop myself. I tried to be a boy. So hard.

In my teenage years I started to realize that I was attracted to men. The girls in my class started dating, fell in love with the backstreet boys and I wanted to be like them but I couldn't.
I couldn't be friends with a girl that had a cute boyfriend. At night I prayed that they didn't have sex, because it would feel like she could live my dream. Having sex with a boy as a woman.

In the final year of highschool, my best female friend came out as a lesbian. What a relief. I finally told her that I loved boys and we went to gay-bi-lesbian meetings. I met some guys but for some reason I never fell in love with gay guys and when it happened there was something I missed sexuallywise.
Whenever I was aroused and a nude man was standing in front of me, I wished he could have sex with me as a woman.
I fell in love with guys playing soccer, colleagues at work, ....and most of them liked women. I wanted to be their woman.
I haven't had sex in over twelve years, anal sex felt bad and oral sex was like: this is not what I really want, something is missing.

Now I'm 33 and I start to ask myself questions like: what are you going to do?

One of my main concerns is: I look very masculin. I'm very tall, have big shoulders, a real man's body. Whenever I go to a gym, the first thing they tell me is: many men would be jealous of your natural built. I have a low and deep voice. Women hit on me. So that's definitely a concern. Wouldn't I look like a joke?

A female friend of mine said: we're going to put you in women's clothes, I'm going to use the perfect make up, a wig,....and put you on a dating site as a woman and see how men would react. Nothing looked freaky, the pics were decent and most men responded like: you're a man.

So my crazy question is:

I would like to try crossgender clothes, especially boobs and vagina underwear ( it must look real) and then I want to cam with a man to see if he would think that I'm a man if he'd see I have boobs and a vagina. I know this question might sound odd to some of you, but it's really important, also to see how it makes me feel psychologically.

I don't know what crossgender clothes look the most natural. Unfortunately I expect the more expensive ones look the most natural.

Hi Sarah 

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V M

Welcome V M    
I don't think its odd, as long as you don't do that for a long time, or repeatedly. Even here, I honestly say a lot that I am pre-everything and nobody seems to mind that I have an avatar of me done up with makeup and a wig. Internally, I am female. But if you saw me at a supermarket right now, what you would see is a 6-foot tall bald guy with a generally masculine body. HRT will help change that look for me a bit. (not the bald head though I guess)
Susan's is very friendly to CDs, Pre-ops and Post ops. If you go that HRT route it will be that way for you too. But this place is accepting even if you don't.

Hi Sarah, welcome to Susan's. There is nothing odd about it all. It's completely natural to try and figure things out and to do everything can do accomplish this task. I can totally relate to the part of not being allow to do certain because of that male upbringing. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you so much, you are really sweet to me.

All I'd love to do, is see how I'd look and feel with boobs and a vagina and how men ( not knowing it) would response to it but in the first place, I would do it because it already would make me feel different. As a real woman.
But part of me would feel guilty as well, as if I abuse men online.
IF and I say IF I would happen to have find the man of my dreams that way, I'd be honest to him afterwards, so I can live with myself.
I would just like to do it with breasts and a vagina so my arms, tummy, legs, face,...are still me. I don't want to wear a mask for instance.
I think all transgenders have thoughts that appeared to be crazy at first.

By the way in 1998 I was 16, europeans might know Dana International won the eurovision song contest way back then. IF I would have had access to the internet back then, I''m sure I would have taken some first steps.

Hi Sarah,
Welcome to Susan's... many of us MTF have / had fears of how masculine we look, we can't help the body we ended up in, certainly wasn't by choice!

I would say one stop may be talking with a therapist, this will help you with the "what are you going to do"...

Certainly you can crossdress and that's something that many MTF's do and have done, certainly me, and, as mentioned by @Marlee, some of us, for many reasons, still go out in public as male.

What you would find, if you wanted to go down the MTF transgender path is that once you are on HRT, muscle mass and fatty deposits will change gradually into a more feminine characteristics.

MPB... yeah I suffer with that, and at my age very little chance of recovery, however at younger ages there are treatments that can arrest and even reverse MPB, mine is recovering slightly, but will never fully recover, far too many DHT and T years.

Oh and yes about the clothes, although there are many lines of clothing that look good but at budget prices... also do what all us girls do... track down the sales xx

Hope some of that helps...

Anyway, welcome and look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy 

Thank you soo sooo much, maybe I should post this in the crossdressing topic but I would love to purchase a pair of realistic looking boobs and a vagina. I want to do a nude photoshoot as a woman and it shouldn't look like they're fake and I don't want to use photoshop.