So in five days, I have my first appointment with my endocrinologist. I have known that something has not been 'right' since I learnt about gender roles when I was a child of four or five years. When I was thirty four years old I came out as transgender and have had incredible support from my family and friends so far. I know, I am lucky. If all goes according to plan in the next few weeks I will begin my transition from MtF.

Yet, there is a strange dichotomy within my mind. When I alone I am convinced and assured that I am in fact female but when I am in public or with other people, I feel that my dysphoria toward my own body, my learnt, masculine behaviours and my existing and established personality betrays my femininity and I feel like an impostor.

Are any other trans people able to relate to this concept and if so, how do/did you deal with it at the start of your transition?

Ooooh yeah, I felt that way too....except in my generation transgenderness wasn't even a thing yet. I kept getting told that "you're a boy, you have a penis and its JUST NOT RIGHT for one to (insert criticism here--walk like a girl, talk like a girl, sit to pee, etc).

So I spent my youth and most of my adult life suppressing everything that I feared might be "girly", and at the same time trying to be as manly as possible, and convincing myself that "yes, I are a man...a MAN, dammit!" while thinking "I hope they believe me..."

Well...I did until I started having panic attacks and then several months of therapy. Once I accepted that I was trans and overcame my fears of my childhood beatings, I simply dropped all MANnerisms and was able to be just myself.

And OMG it was--and still is--wonderful.

Quote from: Ofelia on July 10, 2015, 09:12:00 AM
Are any other trans people able to relate to this concept and if so, how do/did you deal with it at the start of your transition?

I still feel like an impostor some of the time, and I've been full time and largely passable for more than two years.

I dealt with it by allowing myself to feel that way. I know I probably wouldn't be all the way a woman, but I was going to go as far as a darned well could. ln the end, I was amazing how feminine I had made myself. I was not only feminine enough to convince other people in my life (though I really shouldn't have needed to), but most of the time, I'm feminine enough to convince myself.

Don't know if this helps. I'm thrilled with my transition, and thrilled with being able to live as a woman, so I don't think the whole feeling-like-an-impostor thing has really gotten in my way.

I'm a nonbinary trans guy, so we're a bit different in that way, but I relate.

I become hyperaware of my feminine behaviors when I'm with other people, and it causes intense dysphoria. I just feel like a cross-dressing girl, even though I know I'm not. It's almost like I'm trying to just imitate a guy, trying to drop my feminine mannerisms and pick up masculine ones. I have to relearn how to socialize, but until I can get that down I feel incredibly dysphoric and like an impostor in public.

sorry I'm rambling, but yeah I totally relate. I dont think feeling like that is uncommon.

Its all those years of being banged into a certain box and in your and my case its a bit like trying to bang a square peg in a round hole, you can do it, so long as you are prepared to do damage and use brute force... which is exactly what we spend our entire lives initially doing. At 51 I have a lot in the way of un-learning to do. I understand what you are saying. Maybe you need to look a bit closer at why do you feel like an impostor? what about the way you present yourself makes you feel this way...is it your hair, your shape,your voice, your clothes or movements. The advice I was given is this "Take one of these things that makes you uncomfortable and work on it until you feel more natural" , the flip side of that advice is "Fake it till you make it"

Quote from: Ofelia on July 10, 2015, 09:12:00 AM
Yet, there is a strange dichotomy within my mind. When I alone I am convinced and assured that I am in fact female but when I am in public or with other people, I feel that my dysphoria toward my own body, my learnt, masculine behaviours and my existing and established personality betrays my femininity and I feel like an impostor.

I call it "Some guy in a dress" syndrome. I felt the same way decades ago when I twice experimented with transitioning. Today I realize much of it is due to shame and guilt. We are told, trained, since birth to be one thing. Seek out approval from parents by pleasing them, doing what they want. You probably already have strong feelings about how they will react if you came out to them or first hand experience.

When I came to realize I needed to do something about how I was NOT handling being trans, the very first item on my To-Do list was figuring out how to get these two great and seemingly desperate aspects of myself, the male and female, to live happily and healthily together inside of me. The male I sure cannot deny, I spent much of a lifetime actively being one. Part of which entailed beating down the female side the best I could.

It takes time and work to modify those negative behaviors and deal with the internalized transphobia. I've been at it six years now and know I'm not there yet.

@ Ofelia: Are you in my head?? I feel EXACTLY the same (plus currently I can't do anything really obvious due to many factors (expensive, "work" place etc)

edit: Yeah, my 128th post (computer people will understand)

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

It's so true how much is in your own head. I really feel that consciously I am so feminine but all of the subconscious learnings and indoctrinations and behaviours - all of those masculine habits that return so effortlessly and that are so unwelcome... argh, it's infuriating!

I mean, I know who I am. Perhaps it's just impatience at wanting this change to happen instantly when in reality, it is going to take time. At least I have all of you to travel with... thanks everyone!

xoxo 

Time is exactly what it takes.  By the way, you're very pretty in your avatar. 

When I'm hanging out with a group of women, I really do feel comfortable so long as I'm not thinking about how I look.  The other night after a particularly awesome get-together, they wanted to take a group photo, which was later posted on Facebook.  I absolutely hated how mannish I looked.  I've got to get some better clothes, glasses and posture, that's stuff I can work on now.  Hair and boobs and hips will take much longer...

It's going to be a LOOOOONG journey for all of us newbies, but one worth making.

unless I am distracted by something I often find myself hyper aware of my every gesture and word, constantly asking myself if that action was feminine enough or too feminine did it come off as a female seeming gesture or over the top. I try hard to not force my actions to be fem and just allow them to be comfortable to me. It is a very hard thing to judge without a outside perspective. Then there is my voice, ohh I hate it so much especially at work, customer service means i have to talk constantly and i have accomplished nothing with the limited amount of voice training I have attempted I cant even remotely do a female voice, I can often make my voice a bit less harsh and deep but nowhere near enought for it to really matter, oddly its harder to do that around friends and family, my interactions with them are so set in there ways i am on auto pilot.

but ya between that and constantly worrying about how people see me I often feel very out of place and question not my transision, i have known this was nessasary for a long time, but just question me. Not exactly the same thing you described but it seems similar.

Serena