Hi, my name is Valerie. I'm a pre-transitioning transgender MTF (or at least I think?) I'm here looking for others like me, and those further along than I am. I suppose I am looking for a "mentor" type person foremost, but also friends and definitely people in my area. I'm so very confused, lost, depressed, and scared with who I am and where I am at.

I have told my closest friends about my gender identity issues, and they have all been so great. I am terrified of telling my family, and my work.. I don't know if they'll understand, or if they'll even take me seriously.

I go through intense phases of undying need to transition, and they cause me such plateaus of despair that I get intense feelings of depression. I have even spoken to my family doctor and explained to him (briefly) my gender issues. He suggested me to a psychiatrist, but said psychiatrist was no longer accepting patients.. furthermore, I'm still on my parents' insurance and I don't want them getting suspicious, worried, or even curious.. not until I'm certain of what I want anyways.

I think coming out and saying things, and then being uncertain with what I want to do would be humiliating.

I'm more terrified of these minor waves of doubt, then I am of actually transitioning. I just don't know. I can't go to a psychiatrist yet. Not without any repercussions of suspicion from my family.

I don't know.

I just want to talk to others. I don't want to sound like  a basket-case, but I kinda need help and guidance.. or advice.. or friends.

I'm also a really nice person and I think I can be fun to be around!

This is basically an improvised ramble, but yeah.. Hi! I found this website through "The Transgender Guidebook" and thought I'd just check it out for myself.

sooo hello!

Hello Valerie,
I am somewhat new here as well and from all that I see,  you are at a good place here with like minded people and hardly alone with your fears.
Offhand I am wondering if perhaps you can find a gender counselor that is not necessarily a psychiatrist as it is generally cheaper and lay the groundwork down for a psychiatrist further down the road?  I see a gender specialist counselor and get excellent insights and more and do so without using insurance for various reasons.
If you need someone to talk to, open up here or even message me in private if you wish. 
Hugs...Ronnie

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Hey there, thanks for replying!

and I have thought about it, but I don't even know where to find one.. or how to find one? I've tried googling but I don't really seem to get anywhere.

and thank you, i intend on posting in these forums a lot down the road. it seems like a knowledgeable hivemind that i'd like to be a part of

try the Howard Brown clinic in Boys Town

I've heard of it.. is it expensive?

Hi Valerie, welcome to Susan's. Anything told tot hem is confidential and most likely your earliest appointments will probably get codes for the depression anyways. Congrats on coming out to your friends. There is no need to rush things with work and family tell your ready. The experiences I have had were more successful when I controlled when, but anytime it was taken out of my hands it's clear the results were not nearly as good. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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thank you, also for replying.

you all are helping me out quite a bit, and i really appreciate you for taking time out of your day. I checked out howard brown and they seem great. I especially like their sliding scale payment options. i'm really self conscious about my voice, and i'm afraid to call them so i might just email them for more information.

i'm certain they're entirely used to, and understanding of, the whole voice dilemma we find ourselves having.. idk why i'm so skiddish to make the call.. i've always hated talking on the phone. ughh okay. i'm just going to email them and maybe call afterwards lol

Hi Valerie and welcome to Susan's. It's a pleasure to meet another girl from NW Indiana. Howard Brown might be an excellent place to start. Check their website hbhc.com. I know they have a Friday Night drop in for younger people something like the third Friday of the month. It would give you a chance to talk to the girls who run the programs there and you could see what they have to offer. Depending on your age and freedom, they have an informed consent program for hormones and a monthly support group. I'm currently pre-transition but have been to the group and it's an interesting collection of girls in various stages of transition. No fees for the two meetings and they work with you on fees for other services.

After you get enough posts, feel free to pm me. I kind of know my way around there and as I said, I'm from NWI myself.

Glad you found us!

Hey! that's awesome, I never run into anyone from NWI on the internet, definitely not in trans-related places.

I like your suggestion for that friday gig. I actually emailed them and kinda explained briefly my situation a little and asked how pricing might work.

the informed consent thing is basically a modern day miracle, all things considered.

I definitely plan on PMing you once I can.

So, good, you found their website. Jahara and Dana, who run the groups, are very cool, but don't be surprised if it takes them a while to email back, they haven't always been the most prompt in replying.

Hi Valerie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: V M on July 14, 2015, 06:22:40 PM
Hi Valerie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

hey hey good to be here! there's SO much material on this website i've basically spent my whole day here lol

Nice big welcome to Susan's Valerie

I think the intense phases of needing to transition are really the triggers for you to move forward, however if you do have any doubts then you do need to talk with professionals to help you there.

I was like that, and, didn't talk with professionals, a) there weren't any, and b) if there were I'd have been to scared or embarrassed. But guess what the drivers never go away... As I have said so often I wish I knew then what I know now... oh how different life would have been...

It seems as though you probably have a reasonable support network amongst friends.

You will find the help and support as well as friendship here.
Anyway lovely to have you here, look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Hello Valerie and welcome to Susan's. Happy that you found the site. You're not alone so feel free to share anythng that you like.

Hi, Valerie!  Welcome.  I second Howard Brown as well.  The Center on Halsted and Chicago Gender Society have great resources as well. 

I'm from the western burbs myself, but I have a friend on Twitter from NWI.  Good luck and hugs!

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Hi.
I'm also from the western suburbs. Although I don't have any experience with them myself, I've had Howard Brown recommended for Informed Consent before. My therapist has recommended the Chicago Gender Society for things as well.
Hugs as well.

Hey there Valerie.  you're from my old neck of the woods; I was born and raised in East Chicago.  Huge Blackhawks fan, relatively staunch Bears fan (although the Saints have captured my heart), and last but not least a die hard cubs fan.  In case you're wondering, I despise the White Sox.  Small world, huh?

I have not posted my story yet, but briefly I am pre-op, I'm finishing up my Masters this November and trucking along.  You're going to be just fine; although I have only joined yesterday, and have yet to establish myself here, my first impression of the gang is good.  I have a lot to add and can give y'all some good input.  I have to get back to work, but I'll be in here periodically throughout the day and this evening. 

Hang in there, sweetie; and know that you are not alone and we have your back  :-)  (or six as we like to say)  lol
Talk to you soon.

Marlo