Hey, is there anyone else who was really confused about whether they were transgender or not or unsure where they sit on the spectrum.

I don't understand what I am going through but so many MTFs that I speak to say that they always knew and don't relate to my confusion.

Has anyone else here been through the confusion stage?

Give me hope that there is a way through this.

Maybe I am non-binary or I could be full on MTF.

I am someone who didn't know as a kid.

I could be termed a secondary transsexual.

I don't know about "secondary transsexual",  but I know you aren't the only person who didn't always know or was confused or uncertain where they fit on the spectrum.


Many did know or suspect, many didn't. You are fine, normal, and all that stuff.

Quote from: Leki on July 15, 2015, 02:49:27 AM
Hey, is there anyone else who was really confused about whether they were transgender or not or unsure where they sit on the spectrum.

Me. I don't fit the "classic" profile: I never crossdressed, never felt like a woman in a man's body (still don't), never played with girl's toys, never questioned my gender as a kind, never hated my body, etc.

I now know the classic profile is a crock of s*** and that there are many, many ways to experience being trans. There are a whole lot of people like us. The news media just doesn't talk about us.

Yes. There is a way through this. I have been happily living as a woman for the past 2+ years, after a few months of confused soul searching and then a year of preparing. I'm thrilled with my transition.

One thing that helped me was not trying to "label" myself, but instead figuring out how I wanted to live.

Keep posting, Leki. I really hope this helps.

I felt different about 4-5 and hate my body part, and knew I was transgender at 10. As a child, I used to crossdress in my sisters clothing and sometimes sew up or make myself something, but that stopped after 18-19. But I'm 25 now, taking hormones and I'm feeling unsure because everyone around me telling me I'm not a real transgender. I'm really confused what I am, because I'm not FT yet and I don't even know how to wear feminine clothing or makeup. I just take my HRT and move on through my day, feeling good about myself until I look in the mirror. But, do I really want to live as a woman? I have body dysphoria and all the classic signs. I have always seen myself as the woman in sex and in life, but I've been forced to live the complete opposite already and it has damaged me mentally. I'm constantly doubting my intentions.. Someone called me a man with a fetish the other day. My roommate said I was a 'fake ->-bleeped-<-'. Everyone's opinions are causing me to second guess myself. If a genie popped out of a bottle and granted me 3 wished, the first would be to be female. And it's not because I 'envy' or are 'jealous' or believe women have 'feminine privilege' (all which have been accused on me), it's because it's who I am inside suppressed behind all the bs.

Thanks Leki and Suzi; it is super helpful to know others are out there working through similar things.  Lately I have been struggling with this in a big way and it has been getting me down.

I don't have really strong feelings about my male-ness that others seem to have.  Rather I just feel the pull towards being Clara.  It feels so good,  but I am also so scared.   Felt like crying all afternoon yesterday.

Clara

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I know the feeling I ve known since I was 15yrs old I started crossdresing then wearing my mothers clothes at home I was alone one x when I was 28yrs old I wore a dress in public a lot when I was younger. Now I just wear dresses to my therapists I haven't been out by myself except when I take my wife to work I don't have to get out.iShe is ok with long as I don't wear dresses in her work place which is Walmart.Im not able to work
and am on diability due to my breathing problems. I do want to wear what I want more guess she is just being cautious. But I know I am transgender  my wife knows and is ok with it.

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Can someone clarify how Cross Dressing = Transgender? Doesn't there also need to be dysphoria?

Quote from: Curious on July 15, 2015, 11:47:29 AM
Can someone clarify how Cross Dressing = Transgender? Doesn't there also need to be dysphoria?

Some people are very comfortable with crossdressing part time and living as a man/woman the majority of the time.  Many crossdressers will not have the classic dysphoria or any desire to transition.  Transgender is an umbrella term for people who feel different than their gender assigned at birth or exhibit gender non conforming behavior.  I know lot's of CDs that are comfortable with their lives and are out to their partners.  Its a big club while the formulas and classic profiles seem to change as our understanding evolves.

Quote from: Curious on July 15, 2015, 11:47:29 AM
Can someone clarify how Cross Dressing = Transgender? Doesn't there also need to be dysphoria?

To add to what Tessa said, there are transgender people who don't have dysphoria. I never did. It was more like euphoria at the thought of being a woman rather than extreme unhappiness at being a man.

I don't fit that standard story either, and didn't even realize I was transgender until my 40's. The confusion stage lasted years and some ways I only came out of it by not caring any longer. Its doesn't matter if I'm transgender or not, its just a word. No matter how hard I fight it I can't function the way I used to any longer and HRT make me feel great.

Don't worry about where you sit on the spectrum. It's not important. What is important is to accept yourself and find your own way.

Quote from: AnonyMs on July 15, 2015, 12:50:01 PM
I don't fit that standard story either, and didn't even realize I was transgender until my 40's. The confusion stage lasted years and some ways I only came out of it by not caring any longer. Its doesn't matter if I'm transgender or not, its just a word. No matter how hard I fight it I can't function the way I used to any longer and HRT make me feel great.

Don't worry about where you sit on the spectrum. It's not important. What is important is to accept yourself and find your own way.

Right on!  The word transgender was not even used when I was a kid and the binary labeling got in the way of understanding and accepting myself although the feeling was/is lifelong.  Yes, as the song says don't let words get in the way

Quote from: Curious on July 15, 2015, 09:07:25 AM
I felt different about 4-5 and hate my body part, and knew I was transgender at 10. As a child, I used to crossdress in my sisters clothing and sometimes sew up or make myself something, but that stopped after 18-19. But I'm 25 now, taking hormones and I'm feeling unsure because everyone around me telling me I'm not a real transgender. I'm really confused what I am, because I'm not FT yet and I don't even know how to wear feminine clothing or makeup. I just take my HRT and move on through my day, feeling good about myself until I look in the mirror. But, do I really want to live as a woman? I have body dysphoria and all the classic signs. I have always seen myself as the woman in sex and in life, but I've been forced to live the complete opposite already and it has damaged me mentally. I'm constantly doubting my intentions.. Someone called me a man with a fetish the other day. My roommate said I was a 'fake ->-bleeped-<-'. Everyone's opinions are causing me to second guess myself. If a genie popped out of a bottle and granted me 3 wished, the first would be to be female. And it's not because I 'envy' or are 'jealous' or believe women have 'feminine privilege' (all which have been accused on me), it's because it's who I am inside suppressed behind all the bs.

What is a "real" transgender?  And who are these people to decide who or what is or is not a transgender?  They are not psychologists or psychiatrists, and they have no business whatsoever using their mouths to get in your head and tell you how to live your life and disguise it as "friendly advice." 

Never measure your gender in terms of how others perceive you.  Always measure it in terms of how you perceive yourself.

Let me clarify myself I always new I wanted to be a woman thats all I want to be.i have lived this lifestyle all my life.And no my pshchiatrist didn't tell me I was transgendered I knew before I went.And I wish people would read what I write before they react.

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And to those who do read what I write I sincerely apologize.

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Quote from: Claraaa on July 15, 2015, 09:14:43 AM
Thanks Leki and Suzi; it is super helpful to know others are out there working through similar things.  Lately I have been struggling with this in a big way and it has been getting me down.

I don't have really strong feelings about my male-ness that others seem to have.  Rather I just feel the pull towards being Clara.  It feels so good,  but I am also so scared.   Felt like crying all afternoon yesterday.

Clara

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Awww *hugs* Sometimes I just feel like crying too!

Gender is weird. What is it, really? It's hard to define. Could it just be something that society has created, making these predefined styles, roles, and lifestyles? Clearly, there is some sort of genetic predisposition to gravitate toward some point on this "gender" spectrum that we have. The evidence is all around us.

I feel that gender is a real thing. It's not imaginary or a simple construct. However, do we have to lock ourselves into just one part of it? Naw. That's no good. People are complex and immensely different from one another.

When I started questioning, I was extremely confused. It felt like nothing made sense anymore. I hit a huge brick wall and my life was flipped upside down. I feel that I know exactly what you're saying. This confusion stage feels really powerful and overwhelming, but it is real. For a while, I felt like I was making up all of this; I just thought I was some form of transgender. It was really painful, actually. I felt like I didn't know anything. I felt invalidated. I couldn't form coherent sentences about it.

I never had very strong forms of dysphoria in my earlier life. I never knew my whole life or had really strong signs. However, when the thought somehow crossed my mind, "Am I transgender?", it somehow felt right. It was really confusing, for sure, but it felt good somewhere deep down. In this deep confused state, I spent almost all my waking energy researching transgender topics, trying to find someone else like me. I wanted to feel validated in my confusion. There must be light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, I am seeing a therapist and feel that I am in a good place. The large part of the big cloud of confusion is gone. I don't fit into a lot of the transgender archetypes, but does that really matter? We're all different. I may be more non-binary than anything, but that's alright. I've been becoming more comfortable with the idea that I don't need a label. If you have to put a label on me, then I am MtF. I identify as a female, but I am not terribly feminine. Being male, female, or anything in between does not have to be directly linked to how masculine or feminine someone is. They're separate things to me, and I'm comfortable thinking that.

So, that confusion stage is real. Trust me. Don't allow you to invalidate yourself. Remember - everyone's feelings are real. No-one should be more "trans" than anyone else. They're just themselves. They're human. They're different.

I hope I helped in some way and that you could read through all this

- Sam

Well said Sam.   I am working with my gender therapist to find a place in the broad grey area between the poles.

Clara

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Quote from: doctorinkwell on July 16, 2015, 12:36:56 AM
Gender is weird. What is it, really? It's hard to define. Could it just be something that society has created, making these predefined styles, roles, and lifestyles? Clearly, there is some sort of genetic predisposition to gravitate toward some point on this "gender" spectrum that we have. The evidence is all around us.

I feel that gender is a real thing. It's not imaginary or a simple construct. However, do we have to lock ourselves into just one part of it? Naw. That's no good. People are complex and immensely different from one another.

When I started questioning, I was extremely confused. It felt like nothing made sense anymore. I hit a huge brick wall and my life was flipped upside down. I feel that I know exactly what you're saying. This confusion stage feels really powerful and overwhelming, but it is real. For a while, I felt like I was making up all of this; I just thought I was some form of transgender. It was really painful, actually. I felt like I didn't know anything. I felt invalidated. I couldn't form coherent sentences about it.

I never had very strong forms of dysphoria in my earlier life. I never knew my whole life or had really strong signs. However, when the thought somehow crossed my mind, "Am I transgender?", it somehow felt right. It was really confusing, for sure, but it felt good somewhere deep down. In this deep confused state, I spent almost all my waking energy researching transgender topics, trying to find someone else like me. I wanted to feel validated in my confusion. There must be light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, I am seeing a therapist and feel that I am in a good place. The large part of the big cloud of confusion is gone. I don't fit into a lot of the transgender archetypes, but does that really matter? We're all different. I may be more non-binary than anything, but that's alright. I've been becoming more comfortable with the idea that I don't need a label. If you have to put a label on me, then I am MtF. I identify as a female, but I am not terribly feminine. Being male, female, or anything in between does not have to be directly linked to how masculine or feminine someone is. They're separate things to me, and I'm comfortable thinking that.

So, that confusion stage is real. Trust me. Don't allow you to invalidate yourself. Remember - everyone's feelings are real. No-one should be more "trans" than anyone else. They're just themselves. They're human. They're different.

I hope I helped in some way and that you could read through all this

- Sam

Thanks, it is so nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience to me.

I am also one those trans people that wasn't extremely effeminate as a young child. I didn't dress up and rarely played with dolls and mostly had stereotypical "boy interests". Skip ahead to puberty and teen years, there were plenty of people that  thought I was gay, and one friend told me that I seemed "kind of effeminate" after I recently came out to him. This didn't really make that much sense to me at the time because I was attracted to females, (I still am, but I'm more bisexual), and I thought people said that because I was shy and kind of socially awkward, and was friends with females not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. I would occasionally have day dreams being a girl, but I didn't really know what to make of it and just kind of dismissed it. Oh yeah, one other thing, I was pretty upset about getting facial and body hair at puberty. when I started college, I would occasionally cross-dress (just women's underwear), shave very closely and try and remove my body hair, which was unsuccessful and i would break out. I would continue to have female friends but no GF. Fast forward to the summer of 2013, I am finally able to put into words after an  emotional breakdown, not really realizing the significance of the words coming out of my mouth. unfortunately, I have no money, so i cannot do anything about, and wouldn't know where to start anyways, and would be too busy to transition over the next year, however, I was pretty depressed. In the fall of 2014, I have a new job, and one of the first things I do after getting a paycheck is that I feel compelled to go buy some women's clothes and things to take care of the hair. I'm not entirely sure why i feel so compelled, but it is enough to push me through any obvious social anxieties that might come from a "man" buying women's things. A little bit after that time I realize the word that describes my feelings is transgender. Although I am in kind of an emotional panic at the realization and have my doubts (because I didn't have the childhood where I would cross-dress and play with dolls a lot). When I finally saw myself in women's clothing, it was like something clicked, i didn't feel foolish, I felt at peace, like something was finally right. I would eventually buy some makeup and more women's clothing. By late November, I was in therapy. by late February, I had begun electro. around late March/early April I start coming out to friends. In the middle of April everything is put on hold because I lost my job because of my own personal issues.

Hey Leki,

I just wrote this up yesterday: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,191911.msg1713170.html#msg1713170

In a nutshell, I'm a late-bloomer who lived a very happy 30 years as a man.  I went through a lot of anguish because my internal understanding of gender was binary.  That's fixed, and now I'm a lot happier.  Now I call myself a tomboy, prefer female pronouns, and a more feminine presentation than most tomboys aim for.