This is a trigger warning, so if you are easily offended please turn back now. I am not trolling or playing games. I have written here before and have been as compassionate as I could be. I respect this community and want to hurt no one.


Hello ladies I just wanted to post, I guess, because I have no one else to go to. No one understands like you. I just want some understanding. I want to vent.  If I dont respond please know I am reading. Please help.

I am beaten. I am defeated! I give up and don't know how much longer I can take it.

Supposedly I am deluded and am merely a man who thinks he's a woman. I am beaten because I guess I've come to believe it. My nasty facial hair, 6' tall body, size 14 women's shoe, 21" shoulders, adams apple, brow ridge, ugly ass tattoos and deep voice. I'll never bleed, I'll never grow moist when a man caresses me and if I got the surgery I am destined to eternal dilation and pill popping and most men would never want to go down on me or make love to me because they'll say that was vagina once a penis now inverted and shoved into my abdomen. I look like an ugly damn man and I could throw a billion dollars into a transition and I will still be an ugly damn man. This. Is. Miserable.


Yes some cis women are tall, yes some cannot bear children, yes some do not grow moist enough to really make it count at least), yes some have big feet and hands, yes some have no ovaries, yes some have adams apples, yes some have big heads and brow bossing, but I HAVE ALL THAT! Hairballs may grow inside my vagina? This truly, truly makes me cry. I don;t mean that figuratively -- I literally cry into my pillow on many nights.   It is hopeless.


Here I am in my 30s (so past prime transition time, let's be really real) without a penny to my name living in my parent's house. What the hell am I to do?! I begged and begged for help, but no one helps. I have no uterus and I never will. A child will never grow inside me!

I don't care about some bull->-bleeped-<- notion of beauty. I don't care if I was looked at as what's considered an ugly woman, but at least if not harassed by this state in which I persist I would be looked at as a woman and not forced to dilate forever because as one writing put it "the body treats the neovagina as a wound." Its true, that's exactly how the body treats it and do you know how sad it is that my very own body is essentially saying "no, this hole should be closed"?  I had a friend online who knows my condition and I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to get me pics of 10 of the "best" neovaginas she could find and 10 "cis" vaginas to see if I could spot the neovag. On all but one I spotted the neovagina and in short order too. This makes me SAD SAD SAD.

I can say I have the mind of a woman all day long. I can go on about receptors and my software perhaps resembling that of your average woman , but I will never in a million year have anything but a man's hardware. When I die and if in a thousand years some archeologist digs me they would analyze my bones and say "and this was a male human."

I am not suicidal. I don't have the courage, yes COURAGE, for that right now, but I'll tell you what I just simply know how much longer I can go on.

have you considered talking to a therapist. For myself, after finding a good therapist I was able to get a better understanding of myself.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 17, 2015, 02:51:48 AM
have you considered talking to a therapist. For myself, after finding a good therapist I was able to get a better understanding of myself.

I had one, but she was not equipped to deal with this sort of thing nor could she even point me in the right direction beyond google. Literally, she recommended google.

I don't see her anymore. I don't see any. My crappy state welfare insurance (that I lost) doesn't care about this stuff.


And it really hurts because I feel no therapist could ever help me because even with all the hormones and grs, ffs and whatnot I will still have a prostate which just screams MAN. I dont want that thing buried deep inside me. I say with tears in my eyes that I will never have ovaries. I just wanna be with other woman, accepted for what I am without having to pray people are tolerant enough to "accept" me.


You have helped me a lot before. Ms. Stephanie, You were always in my worrisome posts with nothing but a kind heart and helpful advice and I appreciate but I am sadder now more than ever.

I feel as if I am a burden to everyone, even those on the internet. I deeply apologize to everyone. I just am this desperate for help.

I'm glad I was able to help if only a little. Have you ever tried HRT. I was suicidal all my life until I got on HRT and in the 21 months on HRT not a single suicidal thought has entered my mind.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 17, 2015, 03:11:54 AM
I'm glad I was able to help if only a little. Have you ever tried HRT. I was suicidal all my life until I got on HRT and in the 21 months on HRT not a single suicidal thought has entered my mind.

I read this:

https://tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_%28Chapter_1%29#Those_Hormones.21

The above linked is just on hormones, but I read every word of what that woman wrote and it hurt  because it seemed like raw deal truth.


How much can hormones help me, really? I feel so weak right now, so powerless. I am forever trapped in this man's body.

I am so frustrated because it's like I am in a true no-win situation. I can just stay like this with this awful man body, or somehow by the grace of god find a way to transition and look like, well, a transsexual, someone who will be heckled, harassed, and not even able to take a pee in the ladies room without the possibility of causing a scene. Oh, let's not forget I am a "minority" so the chances of being pretty much murdered, raped or stomped into a bloody pulp just increases a few times over. At best all I can aspire to is being a woman with an asterisk. I'll never be a "real" woman... a woman born and raised woman, with ovaries, no prostate, whatever size breasts, natural voice that I dont have to struggle and practice for, etc. This hurts so bad.

Pure
Hell

I think now I am going to go lie down and Ill come back to this tomorrow. Thank you so much. To all of you please understand I am so sorry for this I am humble even if it doesn't seem so, I really am. On my mother's grave I mean no one any offense and if I offend anyone or make anyone lose hope I am so sorry.

edited for clarity

Oh darling,

I do feel for you so much. We are all cursed and sometimes it is so overwhelming.

Can you get to see a good gender therapist. Maybe let me know where you are and I can have a look for you?

There are no answers, just knowing we have each other, and you are among people who know the pain you are in just now.

You can talk away here and we will look after you in this dark time.

Love you Hon.

Cindy

I wrote a lot and it disappeared. Maybe I can summarize what I previously wrote.
I read what you wrote and felt like crying. I can never understand what you're going through, but it broke my heart. I'm female and I want to be male, and you voiced my fears of it not working out... But no matter what, you are you. I personally would never fall in love with someone based on their appearance, and it's impossible that there aren't other men who feel the same way. You have the appearance you do and there's no changing that. But when you fall in love, it would be a sorry love if all it were was about beauty. When you love someone, they become beautiful, and surely you will find someone to love you. I don't believe that you'd be unable to, because 30 is young. My mom found love and she's 46, and I've heard her tell me about some 60 year old still dating. It's true that you have no ovaries, and you struggle just to keep your vagina. But let that fact not overcome you. You're more than that, and that is something I believe about everyone, even people I hate. No person is one thing, a fact does not determine who you are. It is but a facet in your multifaceted personality. You can still raise a child, and immerse yourself in an occupation you enjoy. This ends my memory of what I wrote beforehand. If I have been insensitive or insulting, even presumptuous, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be, you can tell me. I hope this helps. If I was harsh, then I wish I hadn't been. I hope you can find strength in what I've said, or someplace else, perhaps yourself. It's important to live the life given to us, because it's a gift. It is easy to forget that. I lose hope often... But return again. Don't give up! I know you haven't. If you had, you wouldn't be here, finding hope in the words of strangers. Make lifestyle changes to change the scenery of hopelessness, it often helps. Surround yourself in positive people and activities. You can do it.

Hi Petti... hugs
I sympathise with your predicament, certainly been there myself, every time I turned back from moving into a transitioning status, I am 62, been desperate to be female since 4... All you have said I used to convince myself to stop being stupid and get on with a life that you are not really equipped for... And lo and behold here I am again, forcing myself to commit... its a long story so not for here!

I am married, still/just with 3 kids and 4 grandkids... when I watched my kids being born, inside I died a little each time, I so desperately wanted to be my wife... I wanted the pregnancy, I wanted to give birth, I wanted to bring up my kids as a mother.

We have no choice in who we are and how we are born... we really do need to decide, what's best for us, how could I make it work, the world is too good to not be part of it, so how do I do it, what are my plans to get to where I want to be. Set the plan and start to execute against it... you will find that you will start to be inspired and confident each box you tick.

Start with a Gender Therapist against that first box, then add each goal one after the other... if it means another action... add another box to decide how you'll do that... before you know it you are in a really good spot.

I kinda hope that this helps a little bit.

Love Katy xx

You are not your body. Nobody is. Try to keep that in mind. You don't need a vagina, ovaries, XX chromosomes, etc. to be a woman. I don't have that stuff, I still have a penis, and I live my life as a woman. Try not to focus on what you don't have and never will have, and instead focus on what you could have and work on that. A lot of these manly features can be done away with surgery and hormones. I know you said you don't currently have the money, but that's merely a hurdle not an impossible barrier. Also consider, some of those things that seem impossible to have could one day be possible. Scientists have grown and installed working lady parts. Not just something resembling lady parts but actual working parts, thanks in part to stem cells. I keep in mind that one day it could be possible to give birth, as strange as that may be. Probably won't happen for me, but I'm sure some trans-women will experience it. Just having that possibility out there is amazing to me, and keeps me optimistic. Right now you're bogged down in your own negativity, and probably have trouble seeing the potential out there, but it is entirely possible for you to live your life as a woman, and that is what you should focus on.

It's going to be ok.

Self lubricating neo vaginas exist, you don't have to have the penile inversion technique done, get electrolysis downstairs if you worried about hair in vagina, 30 is still young. You don't have to talk in a deep voice, that just takes practice. Height and shoe size isn't really a problem. Dilation eventually isn't required, you can replace it with sex. If you have SRS trust me you will bleed enough to never want to bleed out of there again. Cremation solves your bones becoming a dig site.

I understand you are feeling like hell *hug* but It's not so bad, I started estrogen at your age and I was defeated as you are. Now I'm 41 and live a happy life. It's going to be ok

Petti, there is no entrance exam for womanhood. There is no requirement that you look a certain way, that you act a certain way, or that you have certain traits.

It's not a popularity contest. It's not up for a vote. It's not subject to anyone's judgment.

Womanhood is something that grows inside you and that you are entitled to claim regardless of how you look, how you act, or what anyone says.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place. You deserve to be happy and deserve all the wonderful things that womanhood will let you experience.

Womanhood is yours. Really. All you have to do is claim it. There are no other guidelines, requirements, standards, or prerequisites.

You sound like I did nearly a year ago, and physically similar to me as well.

NOTHING sounded like it would make me a real woman and nothing made me feel better about it. I stopped coming here because it would just make me upset the way everyone offered their condolences and so on. The users here are do the right thing by being sympathetic, but that doesn't make everyone feel better.

I'll share with you a little bit about myself and maybe you can relate. I came out while I was in the Navy in spring 2013. I had recently had my job taken from me out of spite and they gave me the worst thing they could find. Life started to suck. I realized my career was dead and I couldn't get an education while working for 70-80 hours a week. It was then that I was forced to confront my nonexistent personal life that I had always pushed away because of that weird feeling that got worse ever since I was a teen. I was trans. Eventually I broke down and they decided they didn't need me anymore, so they let me go.

I came home (to my parent's house of course) and attempted to get work while attending school. I couldn't afford much at all despite my savings from the military. I nearly went broke 2 times and I finally landed a stable job last summer. As soon as school started last fall I was dealing with the whole "trans skepticism" you are going through now while dealing with being completely over exerted. I thought about suicide constantly but like you I just didn't have the courage. When I could finally afford to transition, I started my hormones and things got a lot better. I feel like they don't work half as well as they should, but I'm working that out with my doctor right now.

Here's what changed in the 10 months or so since I felt utter despair constantly, and they might help you as well:
-Work full time or go to school full time. Do not just work part time or just attend school part time unless there is no other option.
-Bank sperm if for nothing else than piece of mind.
-Many universities and unionized jobs have outstanding healthcare programs. They might not pay for your hormones, but they should cover the Doctor's visits at the very least. (I only pay 30 a month for 3 medications at Wal-Mart)
-ASU is my current school. They accept pretty much everyone and their student healthcare plan through Atena will pay for mostof a SRS and all doctors visits.
-Start hormones as soon as you can and are ready to do so. My mood hasn't improved much, but my reaction to the constant negativity surrounding transitioning (Never going to pass, massive feet and hands, fake V, Y chromosome, etc.) has become much more constructive and focused; I still doubt that I will ever be a beautiful woman, BUT the ball is already rolling in our favor, and my goal in life is now to speed it up so that we can be XX, fertile, and so on.
-Begin laser hair removal after starting hormones, otherwise it's kinda like a longer term shave.
-The final thing is optional but it's done wonders for me: Come to realize that change is coming. What trans people all desire IS completely medically possible - it's simply a matter of time and research to develop a treatment plan. Do what you can to further this end.

I just wanted to say that I read every word here, and not one went to waste.

You all always make me feel better when I get like this and hopefully one day I can come to these boards like "OMG ladies everything is working out" instead of "woe is me."

Your patience, compassion and understanding means so much to me during this time.


Bless your hearts, all of you.

Hugs you'll get there we all have our problems but height wouldn't be one of them all I can say is start hormones cuddles

You cannot change what you cannot have... as of now.

A woman can still be a woman if she passes like a trojan horse. Many men will not care.... trust  me on this. Men desire beauty and sexual attractiveness over DNA or chromosones. You can be a super hot female. I had handsome men seduce in my life, straight men even.... it takes a bit of skill.

Hell men like crossdressers and think of them as females. Out of 3 billion of men... at least 1 will love you.

Quote from: Petti on July 17, 2015, 03:28:43 AM
I read this:

https://tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_%28Chapter_1%29#Those_Hormones.21

The above linked is just on hormones, but I read every word of what that woman wrote and it hurt  because it seemed like raw deal truth.


How much can hormones help me, really? I feel so weak right now, so powerless. I am forever trapped in this man's body.

I am so frustrated because it's like I am in a true no-win situation. I can just stay like this with this awful man body, or somehow by the grace of god find a way to transition and look like, well, a transsexual, someone who will be heckled, harassed, and not even able to take a pee in the ladies room without the possibility of causing a scene. Oh, let's not forget I am a "minority" so the chances of being pretty much murdered, raped or stomped into a bloody pulp just increases a few times over. At best all I can aspire to is being a woman with an asterisk. I'll never be a "real" woman... a woman born and raised woman, with ovaries, no prostate, whatever size breasts, natural voice that I dont have to struggle and practice for, etc. This hurts so bad.

Pure
Hell

I think now I am going to go lie down and Ill come back to this tomorrow. Thank you so much. To all of you please understand I am so sorry for this I am humble even if it doesn't seem so, I really am. On my mother's grave I mean no one any offense and if I offend anyone or make anyone lose hope I am so sorry.

edited for clarity

First, don't read junk like that.  Just reading the last section shows how narrow-minded the author is.  You can be any kind of woman you want to be.  I've got 10 years on toy and I'm starting HRT next month.  Who knows how well it'll work, but all that matters is that I know I'm doing the right thing.

There are therapists who will do online meetings and many therapists work on sliding pay scales.

Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

That link you posted to... regardless of any truths it may hold in some areas, it's horribly cynical and misguided. It uses highly problematic words like 'mutilation' to describe GRS, and clearly has been written by someone who considers themselves above the 'average' trans person (as if such a person exists).

Above all, it's just another article telling you how you should feel, who you should be, imposing rules and conditions on a group of people with wild variations in experiences and for whom self determination is the only rule they should really live by.

Be realistic by all means, weigh up the pros and cons, figure out what you need and what you can achieve. But know this; some of the happiest trans women I know are ones who don't completely pass or couldn't go stealth. They live life as they want to and I really admire them for it. And not matching cisnormative notions of beauty doesn't mean someone can't look amazing.

See a gender therapist and get on HRT when appropriate. HRT and a good gender therapist will help you immensely.

Scary stuff... It's really scary because sometimes it is the truth and you can't really changed it. Sorry if this sounds really off... I don't really know.how express my sympathy even if I have fallen in that same hole over and over... I use a lot of those same words when I told my mother and brother... I also told them all I could was do was draw and draw until I died... ( I draw my fantasies).. This was also the reality of my life.... I wanted to be stuck in my.fantasies for the rest of my life... I guess the crazy thing that cause me to transition was when I realize for most people like it was to transition... I thought to myself.. If I am going to die.. I rather die trying.. Even if for a second I feel true happiness I will take it before my leave.. I don't think we all are the same but I think you should take that chance... Give yourself at least a chance.. Especially with Hrt as it definitely helps see what you normally didn't at first.. I'm not.sure it.helps all mentally as it did for me... I think you should let your mind reset and get away from the world for bit.. Give your mind something else to.think about... Sometimes thinking about a lonely world helps me a lot... I am an odd person but it is true that you have to give yourself another chance.. Stop worrying about how perfect everything.should be.. When no nothing is truly perfect.

Quote from: ikanote on July 19, 2015, 12:59:27 AM
Scary stuff... It's really scary because sometimes it is the truth and you can't really changed it. Sorry if this sounds really off... I don't really know.how express my sympathy even if I have fallen in that same hole over and over... I use a lot of those same words when I told my mother and brother... I also told them all I could was do was draw and draw until I died... ( I draw my fantasies).. This was also the reality of my life.... I wanted to be stuck in my.fantasies for the rest of my life... I guess the crazy thing that cause me to transition was when I realize for most people like it was to transition... I thought to myself.. If I am going to die.. I rather die trying.. Even if for a second I feel true happiness I will take it before my leave.. I don't think we all are the same but I think you should take that chance... Give yourself at least a chance.. Especially with Hrt as it definitely helps see what you normally didn't at first.. I'm not.sure it.helps all mentally as it did for me... I think you should let your mind reset and get away from the world for bit.. Give your mind something else to.think about... Sometimes thinking about a lonely world helps me a lot... I am an odd person but it is true that you have to give yourself another chance.. Stop worrying about how perfect everything.should be.. When no nothing is truly perfect.

hugs you tightly I can so relate