I never said that you are not passable. Your face certainly is. As for the alcoholics and drug users what else do you expect from that kind of people? They choose to destroy their lives because they feel bad about themselves. Those people try to put everybody down just to feel better about themselves. I personally avoid those people. It is good you wrote about your experience here because that is a great way to learn from it and to overcome it. When it comes to guilt we have all been there and it is for your own sake to get rid of it. I hope to see you again here.

Hugs

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I just saw a youtube video of a stunning girl who says she has had every single FFS surgery done that Dr Spiegel offers and that she paid about $33.000, so now I know what I have to work towards. So I guess I'll have to work approximately 3-4 years straight without spending anything

Quote from: Laura_7 on July 18, 2015, 08:32:44 AM

and people clock even cis people, so its not really unheard of...

This, exactly! Those people probably "clock" cis women all the time. This crap will die down soon.

But by all means, do save for that surgery. If in 3-4 years you feel it's something YOU want to get for yourself, you can get it, and if you've changed your mind you can use it for a trip, or a downpayment for a house, or whatever else that makes you happy!

There are two possible issues. The first one is you should consider a hairstyle that covers more of your forehead. If I pull my hair back it completely destroys my look. Other that that, I love your look. The other issue is nerves and I am pretty sure you still suffer from them. I haven't had problems passing in public by myself for a very long time because if I am spotted, I just act like I belong there and ignore the problem person. If my image has failed me, I wouldn't know because I don't worry about it.
Because I have gone out with people who are still working on their image, I can compare. I remain cool and calm while the other person develops nerves and attracts attention. Guess who get the stares. Attitude is a really big part of passing and with it I can dress down, not wearing makeup and even with my voice issues still be accepted. If you are comfortable with yourself, you put the doubt back in the mind of the person who thinks they spotted you. Just consider how a CIS woman would act if somebody though she was a transexual. That is what you need to do.

Honestly, as a FtM in a small town, I make it a point to look for transgender people. If I saw you walk into Henry's donuts in Dillard, Oregon I would probably (I'm sorry) look at your ass and legs and think you were really hot. You have a beautiful smile and a feminine athletic type face and style. It's quite appealing.

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@Dena: Most of the time (if not always) I act as if I own the place. When I walk on the street I think: "Catwalk Katrien, you're on a catwalk, you own the whole street" This is not an active thought mind you, it's a thing that comes natural to me (after having been a model). Most people I meet rate me as an 8 (and I've had people give me more than an 8 ), and that's something I keep in the back of my head: "you're beautiful, now show the world that you know it." Some guys even tell me that they originally felt intimidated to approach me, because they feel like I'm out of their league (which is quite funny because as a Teen I used to think most girls were out of my league, and now I'm the girl who's out of the league of many guys).

EDIT: This isn't done in an over the top like way mind you.

But you do have a point that I need to learn how to react like a CIS girl when the awkward trans related questions are asked. This weekend I actually asked a few of my girl friends who know about me what they'd do if they were asked if they were born a boy and one told me: "I think I'd start laughing and then ask them what makes them think that way" so yea, maybe I should take on this approach more, although asking for what gave you away might be trigger that'll betray you hmmmm what to do what to do. But you're right I do need to learn to how to react on these questions like a CIS girl would.

@Promothea: Yea I'm going to start saving for the surgery now (currently my mind is on a slippery slope and is attempting to persuade me to do something that might get me the money on a much shorter notice and I'd only have to survive it for 2 months or so ...)

@ajames.shirley: Awww thank you that's so sweet

Hugs sorry for my other post

Quote from: Yenneffer on July 20, 2015, 02:43:17 AM
Hugs sorry for my other post

No worries Yenneffer, I totally understand: my worries and stress seem to be so silly and superficial (they're not because they're seriously eating away of me), and there are people out there in the World who have it much harder than me, so in comparison with those people my fears seem so irrational and almost like a cry for attention or a desire to be more than what I actually am.

So no worries you didn't hurt or insult me, and I understand where you're coming from.

PS: another job I'm looking into at the moment is to work as a Nuclear Power Plant 'Jumper' (these are the people who clean the inside of a nuclear power plant, you're only allowed to do it for a short time, but it pays extremely well. And trading a few years of my life [because of radiation poisoning] in exchange for more years of quality, is a good trade in my opinion)

Quote from: xorchidfeyx on July 20, 2015, 05:18:07 AM
No worries Yenneffer, I totally understand: my worries and stress seem to be so silly and superficial (they're not because they're seriously eating away of me), and there are people out there in the World who have it much harder than me, so in comparison with those people my fears seem so irrational and almost like a cry for attention or a desire to be more than what I actually am.

So no worries you didn't hurt or insult me, and I understand where you're coming from.

PS: another job I'm looking into at the moment is to work as a Nuclear Power Plant 'Jumper' (these are the people who clean the inside of a nuclear power plant, you're only allowed to do it for a short time, but it pays extremely well. And trading a few years of my life [because of radiation poisoning] in exchange for more years of quality, is a good trade in my opinion)

all I can say is that your beautiful

Quote from: xorchidfeyx on July 20, 2015, 02:33:25 AMcurrently my mind is on a slippery slope and is attempting to persuade me to do something that might get me the money on a much shorter notice and I'd only have to survive it for 2 months or so ...)

Don't do that. You only need to survive a few months until the obsession with Transspotting is over and things go back to normal. You know, I would pay that type of money to get YOUR face. Just wait it out, save just in case, but don't put your health at risk because of how a few idiots you will never see again made you feel.

You are gorgeous. You were fine for years before this, and you will be fine for years to come.

Quote from: xorchidfeyx on July 20, 2015, 05:18:07 AM
SNIP
PS: another job I'm looking into at the moment is to work as a Nuclear Power Plant 'Jumper' (these are the people who clean the inside of a nuclear power plant, you're only allowed to do it for a short time, but it pays extremely well. And trading a few years of my life [because of radiation poisoning] in exchange for more years of quality, is a good trade in my opinion)

Not sure what country you are considering doing this, in the US work place safety is pretty strong when it comes to these jobs.  You wear a dosimeter and are only allowed a certain dosage in 24 hours.  It's not like they are hiring you to cleanup Fukushima or Chernobyl.

I work at a nuke related facility and know people who did this for years.  They stopped because they wanted a less nomadic lifestyle, not because of safety concerns.

Quote from: deeiche on July 20, 2015, 07:05:32 AM
Not sure what country you are considering doing this, in the US work place safety is pretty strong when it comes to these jobs.  You wear a dosimeter and are only allowed a certain dosage in 24 hours.  It's not like they are hiring you to cleanup Fukushima or Chernobyl.

I work at a nuke related facility and know people who did this for years.  They stopped because they wanted a less nomadic lifestyle, not because of safety concerns.

Sounds good, and nomadic is exactly my lifestyle since I'm a backpacker

Quote from: xorchidfeyx on July 20, 2015, 05:18:07 AM
PS: another job I'm looking into at the moment is to work as a Nuclear Power Plant 'Jumper' (these are the people who clean the inside of a nuclear power plant, you're only allowed to do it for a short time, but it pays extremely well. And trading a few years of my life [because of radiation poisoning] in exchange for more years of quality, is a good trade in my opinion)

You don't tend to trade years of your life for this job. Because your exposure is watched very closely, when you hit your limit you are done for the year. You might be able to take even more exposure that they give you safely because they are very conservative with the limits. They also allow the inside of the reactors to cool down as much as possible before sending people in to reduce your exposure as well. At what you cost, they want to hire a few people as possible.
I would also suggest that you consider what you will do when you are no longer a jumper as this job could be a stepping stone to your future.

Your posts stood with me for days and i was thinking about you. Looking back retrospectively when i went full time i was obsessed with the idea that everybody knows I'm trans. I have never had somebody asking me but every time someone made a statement about trans people i was thinking that he does it on purpose just because he knew i was trans. I was in a state of terrible paranoia for perhaps two years which affected my confidence big time. Somehow that spontaneously dissolved over time. I'm wondering if someone of your friends has outed you to the guy who made the statement and that has now shaked your confidence. Confidence is very important factor in passing. I think you are very passable and the only thing you may consider is some beautifying surgery. But your face as it is is very specific, that gives you model look, and think about trading it for a dall look. I used to be very masculine looking guy and due to very aggressive surgeries i had im a beautiful woman now but somehow i look very pretty, without the distinctive looks you have. I would trade my face for yours even though mine with the revisions has a surgical price tag of more than 60 k

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@possessed: I'm just curious, but how old are you, to which surgeon did you go, and when I reach 15 posts could I see a picture? You can say no on all of these, and maybe seeing a picture might make my self esteem even worse, so yea maybe I'm just being masochistic to myself

PM me for details

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Pls don't bother. You look great  I know some CIS women having the ->-bleeped-<- look.

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I really don't see anything wrong with you. That's just my opinion. Photos are not the best representation of a person, but my advice would be to do some soul searching. Surgery is great and all, but you are already beautiful on the outside. I feel like I missing a really big piece to this puzzle. Just my take on the situation .

Cheers, love.

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Ok so yea I learned that most people actually don't know about me, it's just because of the whole Jenner situation 1 or 2 people were more aware, they asked me about it, I panicked and felt hurt, which resulted in me being less self secure, and they (most likely) gossiped about me, which made the situation turn into what it turned here in this town and hostel. So in general I just need to learn how to deflect a question like that and just own it.

Yesterday one of the beautiful dresses I bought on ebay arrived (it's short on the front and long on the back and flows behind you as you walk) and I wore it for my last night in the hostel (since I'm leaving today) and everyone was stunned by me. Girls told me how jealous they were of how I looked in the dress and that they were in love with my make-up, and several guys were flirting with me, and even more told me that I looked amazing in the new dress, wondering why I didn't dress up that fancy more often (easy question: I was staying in a working hostel, with people spilling wine everywhere all the time xDDD). So yea that made me feel amazing.

Also yesterday during the last day at work the co-worker who drove me to a job interview last week told me that her daughter (who was with us in the car last week) told me that her daughter had said: "OMG mom, Katrien is so beautiful!!" which really really made my day, because being told by a beautiful teenager that you're beautiful is like SUCH A RECOGNITION <3 <3 <3

Edit: in case anyone wants to see more pictures, ask and I'll post xDDD

While watching Rupaul's Drag Race season 5 I just realized this:

"OMG Season 5 of Rupaul's Drag Race is seriously the most emotional season until now, when Roxxxy breaks down in tears telling everyone how she was left at a bus stop with her sister at the age of 3 by her mom, I felt that, and it brought back all those feeling of myself being rejected by my family too. Roxxxy I know how you feel of not feeling good enough, not feeling loved, not feeling like you deserve the same things in life as other people because you never had that fundamental basic love of family in your life"

And I believe that this is (might be) one of the important pieces of the puzzle that might be missing in all of this.