I really don't want to go through the risk and what I would assume to be, traumatic process of the sigmoid colon revision. That really frightens me. I've really come to accept that I won't be able to have sexual relations with men and I'm ok with that, I've had a lot of time to reflect upon that and I've decided that men just aren't what I'm interested in.
When I first started HRT I went through my second puberty and as my brain was being rewired by estrogen I took notice of them just like teenage girls do. I experimented a little but I've lost interest in them for many reasons.
I've concluded that I will choose the course of soft butch interested in femme cis-females. So lesbian sex if any sex.
Some butch women chose not to be on the receiving end of sex, IE a "Stone Butch". So I would be like a combo of soft and stone.
Anyway...
My clitoris does work despite being way up inside of me. I just had to figure out how to work it. The mood strikes me about twice a year to um, have a little tension relief.
If I ever do go back for revision I am going to go for repairing the appearance so it looks more natural.
As for the hair, it's not internal inside my vaginal canal, it's in the opening before that.
It's hard to describe my results without being graphic but think of it like a funnel. There's a large open where I guess the um, evil twins used to reside. And inside that initial opening, the wider part of that imaginary "funnel" is where the hair is. So it's like a hair funnel with three holes deeper into it rather than just one.
I made an extremely basic & crude (I have no talent for art) drawing to sort of illustrate how it is.
One of the things that I was told was that I have a pelvis deformity from an old, severe injury and that would restrict the potential diameter of my vaginal canal. At the time they were sending us home with a set of four dilators in a lavender cloth wrap case. They left out the largest, they told me that there was no way I would ever be able to accommodate it. They told me that even the others would be a problem. And they were. I was never able to graduate beyond the smallest one and that was extremely painful. Eventually I ended up buying my own set of much smaller dilators from a place that helps women with vaginismus. Of those, I can only use the two smallest ones and those are painful. It's been over four years now and I've given up hope of having a functional, useful vagina. Now I just want it to look normal and be left with the ability to orgasm. Penetration is not a big deal for me. I would imagine that it would be expensive and painful to have both a functional and normal appearing vagina. Bowers told me during my intake, like 10 minutes before I went into surgery that she could give me more depth with cadaver skin. I was freaked out by that and didn't have the time to contemplate it fully so I said no way to that. I was put off by it because there had recently been a huge nationwide bust of funeral homes selling bootleg cadaver parts to hospitals and a lot of it was contaminated and diseased, some people ended up with HIV and other horrible diseases because of that. That instantly came to mind because it was fresh in the news at that time and it scared me. In retrospect I wish I had been given more time to think it through. I don't know if I would have chosen differently given the circumstances and what all had been happening.
I did tell her that if she needed to take skin from another part of me to do a graft I was OK with that. She said she would try to avoid doing that if at all possible. She ended up not taking a graft or using cadaver skin in me.
Another issue is that I'm a sufferer of extreme, chronic pain and being laid up in bed for a week is a no go. I can't lay in any bed, I have a hospital type bed and even that is miserable. Consequently I don't sleep much. I take lots of short naps in my chair which is uncomfortable but less so than my bed is.
I can't really blame Bowers for doing a bad job, I know she's done great things for many other women, I think in my case it was just that there wasn't really enough donor material to work with. How in the world anyone could fix what I have to look normal is beyond me considering there's nothing there to work with. Unless they can grow some new flesh from my own stem cells in a petri dish I don't know. I read somewhere they are growing vaginal canals in petri dishes now. Maybe they can do labia and the canal from my own cells? If they can do that I would think that would be the best bet since there would be no rejection issues. Using cadaver flesh I would imagine could be a problem with necrosis so you would have to take lots of antibiotics and antirejection drugs. Sounds too problematic to me.
Well I'm almost 55 and not attractive so men aren't interested in me anyway and there aren't any men in my age range I would ever be attracted to anyway. Adam Levine is not going to be interested in me nor would David Tennant so, no men, no worries. After spending close to $50k ($22k-GRS, $8k-BA, $10k-shrinks, $4k-legal, $2k-travel/lodging and $2k misc) I think I've about reached my spending limits on all this. I have no idea how much revisions would cost.
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