I am 23, been with my fiance (26) for 7 years. We have a 3 year old together and honestly are soul mates.

About 3 years ago he brought up transition, said it has been a thought his whole life. It's just been talk up until now. I do his make up and paint his nails but nothing more.

Recently he has become shut off, very mean. He says it is because he wants so badly to transition. He is going next week to counseling and possibly start this process.

He says he is pretty positive he will not change his mind. I love him more than words can explain, but I am scared beyond belief. And I feel so hurt, I don't even know why..

I want to stay with him and be supportive, but it scares me so much. And I feel like the person I got with is dying. Even though I know this is not true and know we will likely remain happy.

I just do not know how to handle this, he just came out for sure a few days ago and says he is finally ready.

I can't sleep, can't stop crying and am barfing all the time because I'm so stressed and just can't calm down. I just need help, advice.. He is so strong and hugs me every day, telling me he will always love me and be here for me and do his best to keep me safe and happy. But I know he needs this to be happy and I feel so selfish being upset but I can not help it. It makes it even harder that he has no real family and my family now wants me to leave him.. but I just can't, I love him more than anything and want to stay with him so badly.

Please no one be mean, had a lot of rude responses on another place a d I really just want to help myself help him and be there for him

Hi Bug32, welcome back to Susan's. I wish i could say your fiance's need for transition is going to go away or even lesson, but I can't Having been someone who tried holding back and survive that way it only resulted in me nearly dieing three years ago. It just gets that much stronger. I know for the guy that I'm in a relationship with that my transition is a lot for him to wrap around, but I try to allow him to be a part in everything that goes on to be fare, open, and honest to him. He also knows there are just certain things I need to do and I'm glad he understands that. We often need to be able to see things through their eyes and shoes. For me that meant discovering what I can or can not do while at the same time what he can or can not do. I try my best to be considerate of his needs and as he does of mine with all that in mind. It's a lot for us to wrap our minds around so I can understand your having difficulty with this because it took many of years to do it so the fact your struggling with it isn't surprising at all. It's still taking my boyfriend time to but he is completely excepting and understanding yet I know it will take him him more time still. As much as therapy helps us transition and grasp this ourselves, I recommend the same for you. It can help you discover why your hurt by this. There transitioning doesn't make you unless who you are and it isn't a reflection of you ability to please them either which is important to remember. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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I guess I am just so scared of the unknown.. It sounds shallow, but I am afraid of losing him as I know him, even though from my understanding the person I know is not who he really is.

For the most part, he says he does not want to go very drastic with it.. but I am not going to hold onto that and it end up going way past what I think it will.

I'm just hoping it can get easier, just the thought of him looking different is very hard for me. As he is actually a very manly person, very built and strong and that's some thing I have loved.

Truth be told many of us don't know how far this will go. I knew how far I needed to go from the beginning and made that very clear to all those who needed to know it. Yes the unknown is scary and sometimes makes doing things difficult. It's not shallow at all. You love them and that is worth something too. As we progress forward we take baby steps. I do the same in my relationship with my boyfriend and he has been giving me the time required to do that which I appreciate even more than he may realize. One thing to keep in mind is you can always try and see what happens provided your up to it. It's true if your fiance transitions that the person you see in front of you now and the person you see then will look different, but on the inside they will be the person you know and love now. It doesn't change the person we are in our hearts and minds because that is the person you got know. The physical body in many ways is just a shell and fragile one at that. In the meantime communication is important for both of you to express how you feel and what each others needs are. Sometimes those needs will be in conflict and that is where it gets a bit interesting. No matter what happens don't take it personally or as a reflection of you because it has nothing to do with that regardless of what choices are made in the future. I wish I can say it gets easier, but I can't The fact is the road tends to be bumpy before it smooths out. It's a work in progress you might say. Hugs
Mariah

Welcome back to Susan's... So sorry to hear you are struggling...

Quote from: bug32 on July 23, 2015, 06:23:30 AM
I am 23, been with my fiance (26) for 7 years. We have a 3 year old together and honestly are soul mates.

About 3 years ago he brought up transition, said it has been a thought his whole life. It's just been talk up until now. I do his make up and paint his nails but nothing more.

Recently he has become shut off, very mean. He says it is because he wants so badly to transition. He is going next week to counseling and possibly start this process.

He says he is pretty positive he will not change his mind. I love him more than words can explain, but I am scared beyond belief. And I feel so hurt, I don't even know why..

I want to stay with him and be supportive, but it scares me so much. And I feel like the person I got with is dying. Even though I know this is not true and know we will likely remain happy.

I just do not know how to handle this, he just came out for sure a few days ago and says he is finally ready.

Firstly speaking from a standpoint of many, many years of transitioning, unfortunately its not something that goes away, some like me can manage it for many, many years, trying to fit the stereotype models and possibly succeeding with an inner level of pain management... however it never goes away, it only gets stronger each wave of emotion and inner turmoil... until you can't retreat into your protective shell.

Quote
I can't sleep, can't stop crying and am barfing all the time because I'm so stressed and just can't calm down. I just need help, advice.. He is so strong and hugs me every day, telling me he will always love me and be here for me and do his best to keep me safe and happy. But I know he needs this to be happy and I feel so selfish being upset but I can not help it. It makes it even harder that he has no real family and my family now wants me to leave him.. but I just can't, I love him more than anything and want to stay with him so badly.

I suspect that the first anxiety is over the pressure from your family, so straight away that puts so much pressure on you, I guess that your family is either totally affronted by the situation or are thinking of you and your son or just don't understand?
It is your choice and clearly you think the world of your partner, it shows, so all I can suggest here is perhaps finding a family member(s) that is the closest and sympathetic to you and perhaps involve them in the journey that you are going through.

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Please no one be mean, had a lot of rude responses on another place a d I really just want to help myself help him and be there for him

I hope that maybe I have helped a little here... just for a comparison...

I have committed the immortal sin, but for seemingly all the right reasons at the time... I have kept things hidden from my wife and family, to protect them, for so long, I have placed a financial safety net in place for my loved one and the family, and, now have to risk losing them, which I will hate but finding myself with no other choice now... When I was kid and knew that my body was wrong, I had no where to go... which was the same for most of my married life, but then it all became to hard, now I am in a place where I can't kid myself or anyone else anymore.

I am sort of envious (I personally have not tested it) of the love and support you are showing your partner... It is remarkable and wonderful to see.

Love Katy 

Thank you both! Yeah it's just such a shock, I feel like I have to start all over with someone and the person I have known for 7 years is leaving me.

We are going to a therapist next week to figure out if this is really what he wants and to hopefully help me some.

I just do not want to lose my best friend through this journey. That's so hard for me. But I do love him to pieces and would do anything to help him through this. Even though I don't understand it very much and probably never will.

I see him struggle with it, trying to be this male figure.. but it's painfully obvious that he is not happy.

Hi!

First off I wanted to tell you that I am sorry you are in such a tough spot - <<hugs>>

Being transgender is a medical condition, a birth condition - not a decision, a wish, or a perversion - your partner was born this way. She is not sinning or morally corrupt or anything like that regardless of what society may tell you - she is just on a journey to being her authentic self.

Most people don't understand what experiencing Gender Dysphoria (what your partner is experiencing) is like. Suffice it to say that it grows and grows and will consume your life until you address it - many people try to fight it off and as a result suffer from alcohol/drug abuse, crippling depression, and eventually..... suicidal feelings - it's that serious. I was one of the people that fought it for many years and I almost drank myself into the grave trying to deal with it - Gender Dysphoria finally defeated me when I was 50 and I transitioned. I finally know what being happy means since I am living an authentic life now.

I applaud you for wanting to stay with your partner, and I encourage you to stand strong against the people telling you to cut and run. She really needs your love and support to help her navigate this process, and she will be a happier, much more well adjusted person afterward.

I suspect that the sharpness/meanness she has exhibited lately comes from what she is feeling from Gender Dysphoria, and that will go away once she transitions. Yes, it will be a different dynamic than before, but it is still the same person that you fell in love with - that does not change. You will probably find that even though you like her as she was you'll really like her once she is happy and is not suffering from the effects of Gender Dysphoria any longer. You've actually never met the truly happy version of her and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you do.

Additionally I would suggest that you see a therapist to help you work through these feelings and to help you understand what is happening with your partner. There is no shame in seeking professional help, and a therapist is a safe spot to explore anything and everything that you are feeling. The therapist will NOT judge you no matter what you tell them - they are there to help you.

And finally, you can come here and ask questions/seek advice - this is a safe place and we would never speak harshly about you or your partner because we know the pain and the suffering of dealing with this same issue in our own lives.

~Eva

I feel your pain. I don't know how many times I screamed "Stop the Bus. I want to Get Off". I know my wife has also. Dealing with an SO with gender dysphoria totally shatters your image of them and shakes your own foundations in "Why didn't I see this?"

For my wife it was a double whammy. Eons ago I settled on being "just a cross dresser". Fast forward 30+ years add in a lot of crap and suddenly (?) I realize a lot of the reasons why my life is crap is because of how I was not handling being trans.

The double whammy part... My wife is trans and almost 30 years post op. If ANYONE should be able to to see..... Well it devestated her, still ain't easy for a self described "sexist" to cope with.

We deal with each day as it comes. As time passed most got better but other aspects got worse. I have always said the SO has a far harder time dealing with this. I, and everyone else, spent a lifetime just barely getting a handle on being trans. SO's are told to jump into the deep end of the pool holding a 50 lb weight.

Or... cut and run.

My wife still says "I did not marry a woman" among other things. And.. she is right and justified in feeling that way. I kicked over the table. Redefined not just my life, but also her's, without first "negotiating" with my life partner. (BTW, 6 years in I still live and present as male) She is right, it was not fair. I also needed to survive. Not just be this lifeless, soulless "Thing" I devolved into.

She and I are still together thanks to the oft times painfull totally honest and open discussions. I cannot ask much less expect her to stand by me... no matter what. This is NOT what she signed up for.

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Oh honey, as a cis female gf of a trans man I can totally understand what you are going through. I turned to these boards just last week when my boyfriend decided to have a phalloplasty because i was struggling to cope with the stress that comes from major surgeries and fears   About our ability to have children later on and feeling isolated because I had no one to talk to... I had these feelings and I met my love after he had already been on T for 3 years and was living full in his authentic until he decided he was ready for bottom surgery.

Your family is just trying to help because they can't relate to what's going on. And it's scary. The unknown is terrifying. Know it's ok to have doubts and fears. That's what we're here for. I found myself needing the community because I didn't want my fears to hurt my boyfriend or cast doubt on him in this vulnerable time. I love my boyfriend so much, but it can be overwhelming to navigate this when everything may change. I mean, even though I'm all for my BF having surgery, I was having fears it would turn him into a ladies man where he'd wanna take his new penis out for a ride with every lady out there or doubts about my ability to be a caretaker, etc.  like crazy, girl on fire emotions.

Personally I think what you're going through is normal. Maybe you can find a local support group. I found one and while I didn't get to meet other SO, I met a lot of loving parents who's kids just came out.  In a selfish way though, it felt good to be able to show them their kids are worthy of love too and that despite all my doubts about the added layer of complexities trans stuff brings to our relationship, I love my BF and all his trans experiences actually add vulnerability and intimacy to our relationship in a way I've never experienced before.  I have to give him credit though for allowing me to be part of his process and creating space for me through this journey. I hope I can mirror that type of love back to him. 


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