(This could be a bit triggery for some...)

A woman at work wasn't well last week, I asked if it was a sore throat and she told me it was her period, that she was yuck, basically.

When I saw her today I asked if she was feeling better. She was, and chatted a bit about a few things period related - I think one of the phrases she used was "you know how it is with us..."

She presumably doesn't know I'm trans so I took "us" as inclusive and... well... I kind of felt like a phoney. Or at least I felt like someone who doesn't really know what it's like since I was never born with a uterus and the adjacent bits and pieces.

A friend I had lunch with yesterday was likewise going through the throes of her period and talked a bit about it, she knows I'm trans and is quite happy to talk to me about allllll things gynaecological! That in itself doesn't bother me - it's awesome to be included in conversations like that. The massive bummer is that I can really only offer sympathy, not true empathy. Don't know, won't know, can't know what it feels like.

It seems mostly OK when the person talking to me knows I'm trans but if they don't I do feel a bit like I've tricked them into talking about secret women's business. I know I haven't - but there was still a bit of guilt about it. It's not major but I never figured this would be an issue for me!!!

Everyday I feel more and more natural in my identity, girl mode doesn't even seem like a mode anymore, it just is me. So I guess when I bump up against something that says "haha, you're not a genetic woman" it's somewhat disconcerting. 

You need to put your doctors hat on and like a doctor, the conversation will remain between to two of you. As you learn more about the subject you will be able to empathize but this is your first time out and not knowing how to respond is making you uncomfortable. Also consider the fact that the woman you are talking to has no concept what it feels like to be trans so this is a bit of a one side conversation when it comes to comparing "female" issues.
Having lived for so many years, every once in a while life will still throw something at me that says "Toto we aren't in Kansas anymore" and it reminds me how complex it is to be a woman.

Grace-

There are lots of genetic women that can't have periods for one reason or another - you not having the proper plumbing doesn't make you any less of a woman. You have a sympathetic ear and that is very attractive to women because they (mostly) want someone to listen to them. If women are willing to open up about personal stuff like this then they consider you a woman as well - enjoy it girl.

I admit to being uncomfortable as well in chats like these and it was for similar reasons - no direct knowledge about what was being discussed. I mostly just stayed quiet and listened and learned and expressed my sympathy and that seemed to work.

Grace,

Interesting that you posted this because my very best friend recently had her period (yesterday actually). And we were hanging out, walking near the beach by us. She was mentioning how having a period is one of the peaks and symbols of femininity (to her).

However she did preface it with "I am not discouraging you or trying to trivialize you." And obviously she knows that I am trans* as well. But like you I did feel that twinge of "phoniness" as well.

But I have given it thought and think that us trans folks are women through and through. Just a different kind. Because if having a period is the marker of being female, what about women who cannot ovulate? Or who are sterile? Or intersex? Or who have an extra Y chromosome?

Maybe I am splitting hairs on it. But I think the real issue is how we feel on this whole thing, versus how others make us feel.

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 22, 2015, 07:30:08 AM
It seems mostly OK when the person talking to me knows I'm trans but if they don't I do feel a bit like I've tricked them into talking about secret women's business.

You haven't tricked ANYONE. You are being you.

Remember that a lot of CIS women don't have periods either. Those who've had hysterectomies, hormone imbalances, those on certain birth control, etc. Being trans is just one of those reasons. Doesn't mean we're tricking anyone.

I don't feel like a phony, I just feel left out. But that said, it's just something I deal with.

I felt a bit more understanding of this after srs, bled enough and bought enough pads to feel like one of the girls.

Honey, empathy is not about having gone through the same thing, it's more about connecting to the feeling.

I've trained as a Doula, mostly because I kind of already was one anyway. Even if I'm not working as one yet, I hear (and used to hear before transition and before Doula training) lots of stories about periods, ovulation, pregnancy, dilation (the other kind), childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, and everything else that you can think of. I guess cis women feel some energy in me and that's why they've always opened up to me about those things.

I have a friend who sells mooncups, and I've even sold a few for her! I'm actually considering taking that up. I'm an advocate for them already, as well as for breastfeeding, natural and home childbirth when appropriate, and other things, without my credibility ever being put to question.

You are not phony, Grace. You are a woman, and women have a strong tendency to be empathic, even with situations they haven't lived.

Hugs!

My wife is on perpetual birth control, and she doesn't have a period.  She nods sympathetically when other women talk about theirs.  She doesn't share the fact that she doesn't have to put up with a period, because it'd sound like bragging at that point.  She just kinda gets quiet or offers generic platitudes.

Hello Everyone, I carry tampons and pads (big/light) in case the need/request presents itself, and it has!
Was instructed having tampons in purse is a 'passing' trick.

I use pads, so that item gets frequent turnover.

Anne

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 22, 2015, 09:00:14 AM
Remember that a lot of CIS women don't have periods either. Those who've had hysterectomies, hormone imbalances, those on certain birth control, etc. Being trans is just one of those reasons. Doesn't mean we're tricking anyone.

Plus most of those under 10 or over 50... 

Yes, I know that's a bit different, but as much as menstruation sometimes serves as a symbol of femininity, that leads to a very narrow view of womanhood. Women are much more than reproductive vessels!

If progesterone is a part of the HRT regimen, doesn't that cause cause cycles, but without the blood and cramps?

I've never felt that. Having being raised alongside nine other sisters, it was normal for all of us to have a 'period' together. I know I never actually menstruated, but all the symptoms have always been there for me on a monthly basis.  I thought everyone who took estrogen long enough would go into that monthly cycle whether you physically menstruated or not -- especially when you work around a lot of other women. At that time of the month it can be one great big bi*chfest.   Maybe you don't mean 'phony' as a word, but rather 'happy that bloodage does not happen to me'? I've a feeling you will eventually end up with the symptoms of the period. Then you'll commiserate, then you'll think 'what was I thinking!?'.

Quote from: rachel89 on July 22, 2015, 02:18:02 PM
If progesterone is a part of the HRT regimen, doesn't that cause cause cycles, but without the blood and cramps?

It varies like some cycle progesterone while others like me have it prescribed to take daily. I've never cycled and I've been on P for 40 months now. I do get pms but that's from my injections since I get them weekly. I have a few days before my next shot where I just feel like poop. When I take Progesterone on those days it helps alleviate the pms, so for me it definitely acts as a mood stabilizer.

To the op yeah idk I've been full time for a while, I lost count how long it's been but you just get used to those conversations. I myself have never really felt like I was being deceptive or anything, it's more sadness than anything else. Whenever the subject is brought up and I'm asked, I just say I have a medical condition and can't have kids. They understand and sympathize with me.

I carry a few tampons for others in case I'm asked. I carry panty liners for myself to keep things flat and also catch any drippings after #1. Wiping alone is not enough.

I dont feel like a phoney, just a little left out.

My close group of girl friends, do sometimes talk about their periods and I just nod along, but not normally long conversations.

I sometimes feel bad for my roommate, shame she sometimes has really bad periods, she cramps a lot and some months she bleeds alot. She finds it strange that I would like to experience a period. I know not having them does not make me any less of a woman, but it is a big part of the female experience.

I have been on HRT since age 17 (now 66) and thought that I didn't have cycles because I was on steady E levels. In my 30s, my husband informed me otherwise. Apparently it was obvious enough that HE kept track so he would know which days to walk on egg shells.

As far as other women discussing their periods, that's just part of "girl talk" - you will get used to it.

If you are between 15 and 55, it is a good idea to have some tampons or pads in your desk drawer. If someone asks for one, you don't need to go into personal details as to WHY you don't have any.

Thanks folks, don't know why I was getting a case of the guilts over this.

Quote from: Northern Jane on July 24, 2015, 06:05:32 AM
If you are between 15 and 55, it is a good idea to have some tampons or pads in your desk drawer. If someone asks for one, you don't need to go into personal details as to WHY you don't have any.

Yeah, I've wondered about doing that...it seems like the logical thing to do, especially since it's likely I might get asked...but still don't feel right about doing it.

Quote from: iKate on July 22, 2015, 07:13:27 PM
I carry a few tampons for others in case I'm asked. I carry panty liners for myself to keep things flat and also catch any drippings after #1. Wiping alone is not enough.

Hello, a little confused here.  How does a panty liner keep things flat?  I would think it adds to bulk buildup.  Do many women wear a pantyliner on a daily basis?

Thank you,
Anne

Quote from: OOAnne on July 24, 2015, 08:25:09 AM
Hello, a little confused here.  How does a panty liner keep things flat?  I would think it adds to bulk buildup.  Do many women wear a pantyliner on a daily basis?

Thank you,
Anne

It smooths things out.

Yes many women wear them on a daily basis even when not menstruating.