Hey there, I'm Jay. I'm pre-T and pre-top surgery.
For most of my life, I've felt awkward in my body and awkward with the 'role' I was supposed to follow. Girls toys were boring, and I had no idea what to do with Barbies. Skirts and dresses felt wrong, only tee shirts and jeans made me happy.
When my breasts came in, all I wanted was for them to go away. I'd haunch over and cover them, as my neighbor pointed out to me once a few years back over cards and beer. (I don't even remember doing that tbh).
Intimacy has always been tough. The only time it ever worked for me was when I was roleplaying with one of my partners as a guy. When I'm in the mood, I want to do things I cannot physically do for lack of organs. The way I am attracted to men isn't the way most girls are. The way I'm attracted to GIRLS isn't how girls are.
I felt like I was just miming being a girl. I looked at magazines and such to try to understand what I was doing so wrong, but no matter what, I always felt like I was just putting on a mask. I tried to be my birth gender, but I was never happy. I could never get it right.
I was friends with mostly boys as a child, but once we became teens, they either stopped hanging out with me because I was a 'girl', or they became interested in me in ways I didn't like.
This is who I am though. My Ma wanted a daughter but she raised her a son.
