Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 23, 2015, 09:34:42 AM
Dysphoria for me is a combination of many feelings. I will often have phantom limb sensations, most strongly in my chest; that something is supposed to be there when it isn't in reality.  In addition, my mind will make a snap judgement that I should be on the opposite of some gender specific situations: e.g. someone will call me 'young man' and my mind will immediately think it is foreign and then my mind will go through a couple moments begging where if someone would  call 'young woman' it would seem completely natural.  There is also a generalized anxiety component to it, where I don't feel that 'this' (male life) is right.  Finally, a general feeling of wanting is present where I just want to feel all the social perspectives, physical, and emotional sensations that a normal girl feels on an average day.

Mine is similar to you honeybooboo xoxoxoxox

Dysphoria for me was, not feeling right. Looking in the mirror i couldnt see anything but a stranger looking back and walking the streets i felt uncomfortable around people and when i seen my genitals i hated what i seen. I got to the stage where i hated living.. i never had a life i had a excistance.. it was torture living with it day by day.. then when i started to transition i started to feel better because slowly i felt that the true me was coming out and it felt great. Over time i knew i needed to have SRS.. now that i have had it and im now fully me my dysphoria has gone. I finally feel "normal" happy with who i am.. i do sometimes get lapses when someone trys to question me but it is very rare..

For me Having my SRS has helped me so much and i would never regret it..
But thats me and everyone is different regarding dysphoria, it could mean alot of things...

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Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 23, 2015, 09:34:42 AM
Dysphoria for me is a combination of many feelings. I will often have phantom limb sensations, most strongly in my chest; that something is supposed to be there when it isn't in reality.  In addition, my mind will make a snap judgement that I should be on the opposite of some gender specific situations: e.g. someone will call me 'young man' and my mind will immediately think it is foreign and then my mind will go through a couple moments begging where if someone would  call 'young woman' it would seem completely natural.  There is also a generalized anxiety component to it, where I don't feel that 'this' (male life) is right.  Finally, a general feeling of wanting is present where I just want to feel all the social perspectives, physical, and emotional sensations that a normal girl feels on an average day.

Damn it >.>

For me it meant confusion.  Why did I feel the way that I did?  Why would I risk being caught wearing lingerie?  Why did I want breasts?  Why did I feel the need to be penetrated?  Why did I think that stealing one birth control pill from a friend, swallowing it and thinking that it might do something for me?  And why did I feel so much bliss when I experienced these things?  There were no answers for me in the 50's and 60's.  I'm finally getting some answers.

Distraction.

Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.

I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.

But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.

Wow! I can relate to something in almost everyone's comments. I have trouble putting in to words things that I feel. I can describe myself perfectly if I take parts of each of your descriptions of dysphoria and put the words together in a sentence. I am also only just acknowledging to myself that I have dysphoria.

Jayne

https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CKqqZlEWgAABXhb.mp4

Sorta like this also

TW: genitals  talk

Whenever I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, I think "wow, that isn't how I feel on the inside." I hate being treated as a man day to day. It's like people just expect me to have this personality and demonstrate these social cues and behaviors that aren't me. my genitals are a source of really uncomfortable thoughts and feelings too. it's like everything gets in the way when I'm being hygenic. IDK if anyone else gets this, but when I get spontaneously aroused, I REALLY start to feel bad and insecure and confused about my gender. I don't think it helps that I came out to one of my really close friends, who I've known for almost my entire teenage life, and he was telling me about this couple we both know who are trans women. I haven't seen them in over a year, but it sounded to me like he felt like he "confronted" them about deciding not to get SRS. for that reason he thinks they're drag queens. I love him to death but that really hurt. It feels like to me that he wouldn't accept me as a woman if I never planned to do  SRS (which I honestly don't know). I know I absolutely do not have to disclose that to him or anyone else that I don't want to know... it still is like... "wow does that really matter so much to you that  you're going to treat someone who would be so brave to come out by pretending they're a man?" it's not just him, he's just an example of that type of thinking that screws with my head when I think about my body.

Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.

Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.

I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.

But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.

this really resonates with me, except the third line. I've had those feelings, but they weren't related to my gender. I work with a lot of old portrait photographs where I work and that constantly reminds me that I'm a girl. Talking with people is hard as hell too. depending on my social group at the time, different stuff pops into my head, but it's all related to my feelings about wanting to be who I am and live as a girl.

edit: I also get really paranoid and nervous about putting on my new clothes when I feel like it. it's like "what if my parents wake up and see me? I'll have to explain so much and I'm not ready to tell them." sometimes that goes away and I feel really comfortable for however long I'm dressed how I want to. sometimes it doesn't and I change quickly and go back to whatever I was doing.

Quote from: Leki on July 23, 2015, 10:13:20 AM
Mine is similar to you honeybooboo xoxoxoxox

My love is going your way Leki! Life is a wild ride not being born into the role you were meant to be in... XOXO


@ Swayallday... Yes, I think "Damn it >.>" is very appropriate but thankfully we do have social transitions, hrt, and various other modalities (ffs, srs, ba, vas, etc) to more closely resemble our intended role in life; even if it is a very courageous road!

Quote from: Joi on July 24, 2015, 12:53:49 AM
For me it meant confusion.  Why did I feel the way that I did?  Why would I risk being caught wearing lingerie?  Why did I want breasts?  Why did I feel the need to be penetrated?  Why did I think that stealing one birth control pill from a friend, swallowing it and thinking that it might do something for me?  And why did I feel so much bliss when I experienced these things?  There were no answers for me in the 50's and 60's.  I'm finally getting some answers.

Awwwww, Joi! So much to relate to in your topics (except I didn't exist in the 50's or 60's), but still many questions regarding questions for me.  Why in the hell do I have a secret lingerie/ woman's clothing box that is often on the verge of being discovered? My terrible compulsion to go and dress from it/ simultaneously take pictures leaves me for weeks making lies why my chest is shaven. When I conjure a great set of breasts on others, they suddenly are on me, and my body aches for filling "that void" where they don't exist.  As a teenage/ young male, I never possessed the inborn thought to penetrate (despite how gorgeous I found the female form to be), and it has been a serious struggle forcing myself to fully enjoy the act.  On the flip side, there has never been any hesitation on my part in my mind to the thought of having someone penetrate me as a girl, besides issues of how desirable my partner was; the thoughts of a normal girl.
At one point I tried DIY.  Big mistake in a lot of regards; despite being a doctor, I needed outside monitoring.  I used them until my partner (who was unaware of my usage) made the comment that "I tasted different" to her.  In addition, I really believed that I felt I was thinking differently.  I don't discount my experience, and I feel it did abate my dysphoria. But, it begged the question, who can believe that exogenous estrogen and spirolactone have so many awesome benefits for me? Inducing visions of myself as a fully functioning member of the female gender soothes a small portion of my internal pain. That is dysphoria.  Just wanted to let you know you are not alone Joi!

Thanks Ashley!  Yes, we all share so many of these things in common.  Doesn't matter when we were born.  At least we now have a chance to be re-born.  Oh the lucky lovely younger ones who find so much support and the information that we yearned for and had to find it via rare encounters with books or the odd underground pamphlet.  Although aging I am, I will leave the planet as a lady dressed to the nines as my embers meet the skies.
Hugz! 

Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 24, 2015, 11:58:56 PM
@ Swayallday... Yes, I think "Damn it >.>" is very appropriate but thankfully we do have social transitions, hrt, and various other modalities (ffs, srs, ba, vas, etc) to more closely resemble our intended role in life; even if it is a very courageous road!

Indeed, that's rather beautiful that all of that is possible. If only pursueing it wasn't so difficult ...

Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.

Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.

I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.

But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.

You articulate my dysphoric feelings so well. Seriously.

My experience has always been that parts of my body feel alien to me... I can look in a mirror and the person staring back just doesn't feel like me. I feel a great sadness attached to how I look, often when I look in a mirror, or shower, but these feelings never became localised until I had the word "trans man" to understand them...

I feel a lot of shame and isolation attached my my transness... I go through phases where I can't leave the house besides going to work and other periods where I feel OK.

Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.

Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.

I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.

But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.

This, plus:
We learn to wear a mask.
We filter everything we say and do, to make it "appropriate" for the assigned gender.
Am I walking right? (I used to swish.)
Am I talking correctly? (Not too gushy, not too femme, sounding like a boy in terms of melody of speech, tone of voice, intonation of words, rate of speech, word choice? Am I using my hands too much? Am I projecting my voice enough? Loud enough? Aggressive enough?)
Am I carrying my school books liken the boys do - in one arm at the side? Or across my chest, like the girls do? (guess which I did naturally...)

Now, the mask is part of me, I'm not sure I can take it off.  Not sure where "Batman" starts and "Bruce Wayne" ends - or is it vice-versa? No idea... 

And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the dominant thoughts are: Something's wrong. I'm weird, I shouldn't be thinking of the girls *THAT* way (I want to be them, as well as be with them.)  And while it can make for a lot of FRIENDSHIPS with women....  It leads to a lot of romantic frustration. She likes that you're friendly, caring, not immediately hitting on her, you'll help her, watch over her...  But there's no progression, so she doesn't see you as "a man." You're just a "nice guy" who would be perfect for (her friend who needs a wife...) 
[I know, it's sexist. Deal. I've currently got a live-in GF whose idea of being a "strong, independent woman" means I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, I'm the primary breadwinner, and she gets to play with her craft stuff all day, monopolizing the TV, and she approaches sex with an attitude the classic 42nd street hooker would consider aggressively forward. I think, after a decade of this, I'm allowed a little leeway, as a result of being used.]

It's sort of like a low-level static or white noise signal, permeating everything you do. I look int he mirror, and I see a decent-looking guy looking back. And I know that's "me". But it's not RIGHT, it's not who I (a) WANT to be (heavy set, no curves, man boobs, receded hairline, deep-set eyes, scowling), nor (b) who I feel I SHOULD be. so it's not TORTURE, but it's not reassuring, either. Imagine the angst you felt at 15 or so - forever. And the volume of that buzzing is getting LOUDER, too.  The static sound, the volume is going up...
And suddenly you realize, you don't have a SINGLE honest relationship in your life (caveat: the girlfriends have known. Making the current one's actions all the more unforgiveable, when she threw out my hormones, and interferes with my posting on these sites, and hacks my email, and checks my phone...  Just in case.)

And then, the people you SHOULD be able to be honest with - parents, family, SOs - you've had to hide from them the most.

By now, that "minor static" is SCREAMING, even though it's only white noise...

Instead of being "a waterfall", you're listening to Niagra falls in volume - but it's Angel Falls in scope. (Niagra is loud from the boats; Angel falls is the highest waterfall in the world, with two breaks, and not as loud - but you're falling that whole distance, endlessly, with the roar of Niagra in your ears...)

I think that's the point where we either break, or change. We transition onwards to life, or offwards and end it.

Yes, so much of our experience is shared and all too familiar, especially the part about not seeing yourself in the mirror.  I am one that has felt dysphoria for a lifetime and did not know it's name.  Like Joi being born in 1951 meant there were no explanations for why I felt so wrong, foreign and friendless.  I could not fit in with the boys, not allowed to be with the girls and could not relate well with anyone else.  I cried often and eventually assumed I must be from another planet or multiverse and kept to myself.  I knew that other people could not know me as the only real parts of me were my eyes.  Dissociation, fear of intimacy, acne and yet a terribly persistent libido were the gifts of a T fueled puberty.  I left home at 16 but could not run away from my shadow self and she never let go until she could be free.  Life can contain all sorts of hardships and challenges and mine were not  so bad that I could not learn to cope.  I learned to accept what I could and find happiness in other arenas.  Finding love and romance was a worthwhile search and I remain with my life partner.   I love to read and was able to complete my education and have a rewarding and successful career even while my personal life was in turmoil.  I conflated my bisexual orientation with gender confusion and lived a fairly androgynous life with enough clues to make a good treasure map.  I have found that treasure at the end of the rainbow and it is being free to just be me and the girl of my dreams come true (or at last as close as possible ;-). 

for me, it ranges from small and weird things to large and panic-attack-inducing things.

Like, waking up completely convinced that someone has strapped water-balloons to my chest, because my chestickles feel completely detached from myself. It's the double-take when passing reflective surfaces. It's reflexively trying to adjust anatomy that isn't there, and feeling a jab of nausea/panic/"wha..?" when my hand meets what is actually there. It's wanting to crawl out of my skin every time I'm confronted with my 'femininity'.
It's not talking much because my voice is obnoxiously high and squeaky. It's not wanting to be in a relationship, because I can't be sexualy intimate without wanting to vomit. (in fact my sisters think I'm aro/ace cause I've been single for years). I've never had a doctor examine my down-stairs area, the idea sends me panicking. I'm not out, but I still get irrationally irritated when referred to as female. I have intense pride issues.

I can't imagine a future. I can't lay down long-term plans, because I can't visualize them at all.

Loaded question. It has given the gift of denial, anxiety, depression, fear, confusion, anger, passiveness, ...did I mention denial and depression. For me growing up I didn't hate being a boy, in fact some parts were alright. Tho I knew if I could be a girl i would have chose it. However when testosterone came roaring life got crappy-er. Hair growing in the wrong places, emotions out of order, morning wood? More like the wake up night mare and sexuality with the inflatable mushroom was pure drudgery. T blockers have given me my life back and this process is tho only beginning, it is getting much better. Tho I don't pass too well and hate being called air, him and he inl know sooner enough this will change. Makes life better. Good luck to all on here xoxo

Quote from: AlexW on July 27, 2015, 05:11:15 PM
I can't imagine a future. I can't lay down long-term plans, because I can't visualize them at all.

I feel that. I figure a large amount of it is PTSD and self-hatred, but I find dysphoria has an influence on it too.

It took me awhile to get to the point that I put my two major anxieties together but I've actually had an extreme phobia or anxiety over what happens after death. Like debilitating anxiety. I went to therapy for it and didn't want to get into my gender issues with the therapist at the time. This anxiety went on for years and years and recently it's come back 10 times worse than before. What happened to trigger it? I'm not sure but my wife discovered my stash of women's clothes, make up and wig around the time my death anxiety came roaring back. I never connected my gender issues with my death anxiety until I sat down and wrote a very long email to my wife about my dressing. Memories came flooding back and I realized my death anxiety and "dressing up eras" overlapped. The conclusion I came to only recently is that I'm anxious about what happens after death because what I am in life is not right and if I can't be who I am now and there was nothing after life then really, wtf am I doing with my life?

Quote from: steyraug96 on July 27, 2015, 01:53:38 PM

This, plus:
We learn to wear a mask.
We filter everything we say and do, to make it "appropriate" for the assigned gender.
Am I walking right? (I used to swish.)
Am I talking correctly? (Not too gushy, not too femme, sounding like a boy in terms of melody of speech, tone of voice, intonation of words, rate of speech, word choice? Am I using my hands too much? Am I projecting my voice enough? Loud enough? Aggressive enough?)
Am I carrying my school books liken the boys do - in one arm at the side? Or across my chest, like the girls do? (guess which I did naturally...)

Now, the mask is part of me, I'm not sure I can take it off.  Not sure where "Batman" starts and "Bruce Wayne" ends - or is it vice-versa? No idea... 

And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the dominant thoughts are: Something's wrong. I'm weird, I shouldn't be thinking of the girls *THAT* way (I want to be them, as well as be with them.)  And while it can make for a lot of FRIENDSHIPS with women....  It leads to a lot of romantic frustration. She likes that you're friendly, caring, not immediately hitting on her, you'll help her, watch over her...  But there's no progression, so she doesn't see you as "a man." You're just a "nice guy" who would be perfect for (her friend who needs a wife...) 
..................................
And then, the people you SHOULD be able to be honest with - parents, family, SOs - you've had to hide from them the most.

By now, that "minor static" is SCREAMING, even though it's only white noise...

Instead of being "a waterfall", you're listening to Niagra falls in volume - but it's Angel Falls in scope. (Niagra is loud from the boats; Angel falls is the highest waterfall in the world, with two breaks, and not as loud - but you're falling that whole distance, endlessly, with the roar of Niagra in your ears...)

I think that's the point where we either break, or change. We transition onwards to life, or offwards and end it.

You expressed my own thoughts precisely, thank you. I hope you sort out the relationship; I now see how some of the relationships I've been in were not good for me, in retrospect.

Part of my transition has involved looking at old and new friends or relationships with a more wary and discerning eye, because I realized how being transgender has made me a pushover due to low self-esteem.