I have been working seasonal jobs all over the country for the last five years or so and what that entails as in housing is that I often have to share a physical room with another person. Well last summer my inner female came out with a vengeance and I started to get really serious about ending this seasonal journey and getting serious about transitioning and trying to set up a meeting for a gender therapist. As the summer turned into fall and winter it seemed like my feelings for wanting to be a woman got suppressed yet again.

I got caught up with work and skiing and other things and even though the feelings and desires to be a woman are there the actuality of being serious about the transformation doesn't seem to be in the cards for the future. It's like I like being a guy about fifty fifty and thinking about all the hard work to really make a transition work I don't feel I have the motivation.

Also this may sound strange and stupid but I love having a beard and any chance I get to grow one I do. So I have all these inner feelings that are fighting each other. I mean I would love to have breasts and women's genitals below if I could get away with still being a guy once in awhile, lol. I know that sounds stupid.

When I was at my parents place the last time I took my backpack that had all my female clothes and left it there in storage that I keep there and yet I have a room to myself here and I want so badly to slip into a pair of panties or a skirt or dress but I am in south Dakota at the moment so that's probably not wise to go out in public. I want to buy more clothes again but feel like I would be starting over again.

Urrrgghhhh I just need to figure it all out and this mental rollercoaster is driving me crazy

Well you might look for a good gender therapist to help you sort this out.
Someone to talk to and give some pointers concerning the process, and help along...

here are some online therapists for example... there are more...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=187135.0

Well having a beard could also mean kind of hiding the face...


here are some helplines if you feel like it, they also have a chat:
http://glnh.org/hotline/ (this is the national lgbt helpline)
http://translifeline.org


hugs

Trying to figure out where you are on the TG  or  CD spectrum isn't easy.  Sounds like time with a gender therapist would be time and money well spent. It could be that your forced guy mode time drives your girl side to fight her way out.  But if you can give her time to flourish along side your guy bearded rough and tumble side you might find you feel differently.   It will take time and effort but in end the end you will be way more in touch with who you are and where you are going.

I know for me I felt like I had to look to becoming a woman full time because of my love for wearing hosiery and skirts.  This caused me much grief as I wasn't sure that's what I wanted either so denial became my coping mechanism.  I did a lot of work and found my path... I'm a cross dresser and I like being a guy,but a guy that likes skirts heels and dresses. And that's ok...and I like myself this way.  Balance is key for me... i will grow a beard in the winter and still wear a skirt around the house.