Hello  , 

I really didn't know where to post this , and also it really has no value or whatever , i just felt the need to vent off so bad .
My transition had many ups and downs and sometimes i still don't dare to see its end , maybe that is even preventing me from making some steps i need and also some mental changes .
Lately i feel more and more clear , yet it is a painfull kind of clear . I used to be so dominated by doctirnes , one of the worst ' disease ' that haunted me , one that i feel so hateful for . People really shouldn't destroy a child with this . Later i started to dare and shed them off , layer by layer , and the perspctive remained so clear , so cold . Maybe i still have mistakes in thinking and perception , and somehow i feel a little depersonalized , but i feel clearer overall : I am old , i am ugly , i will never get to fulfill my dreams 
The thing is sometimes i feel frustrated for being a monster , i don't want to be what i am , i wanted to be a ' girl ' not a transexual , yet pshysically i will always be a trans and socially i would never be considered a girl , not even as much as a stealth girl would . Also there is the thing haunting me that i might be less , i mean i transitioned late , i am bisexual , i don't have female finger ratio or head proportions , and so on . I have nothing to validate me , and i got ok with that , i don't need a validation anymore , now i am just sad . I don't want to be the freak i am . I wanted bo be a beautiful girl and i will never be . I couldn't live without transitioning but  except for the interior sense of calm i get by  transitioning , i have no other opportunity of joy in the real life , in the society . And i know it matters to be alligned inside but now i feel more of a sick human being  because i treat my dysphpria with the transition yet this ruins the chances of living normal , being a normal human  .
I feel like i picked all the short sticks in life . And again i know some will comfort themselves that others may have more illnesses or are in a deeper poverty and so on . Also that beauty is not all , and that our struggles make us stronger and more aware of the values ... I really hate this now so i hate when people are trying to convince me  with these that i have to be gratefull. Gratefull to whom ? It's the same doctrine all over again .

Nowadays i want to feel the cold truth , to look the monster in his eyes , to be sad and  angry , to hate , to not seeek the numbness and foggy unawareness called peace in doing good deeds or assuming moral and social values . I want to remain away from believing in these deals that i suffer here and if i behave nicely and ' someone ' will give me something mistically good and maybe an afterlife . No more of these , it is sad but i want to see it real at least .

I don't know , it's a total change inside myself now and i really feel overwhelmed and confused . I clearly don't want to go back in that fog and vicious circle , i like being free . It is just i am free and clear and the reality is so sad and my life so empty .
I have no friends , and i mean NO friends at all , no family , no love , no money , no prospects .
Also , my crush , a trans * also , told me i am a freak and avoid me like plague . Maybe that made me wake up too , i used to show off my inner values and all that , but who am i lying , a beautiful girl could have them too , being beautiful and living the life doesn't make one less able to help others . Doctrines reject other styles , but being free and classy don't reject the idea of helping others . That is just something for the ugly or poor to comfort with .


I could write all day , i feel so many things now , but i guess no one would be interested anyway . I guess i am hoping to find other people like me , with similar situations and similar perspectives ...

I don't completely understand everything you said, but I get the general gist of it.

It's not easy creating a rewarding and meaningful life within the limitations that ultimately beset us all, even without the extra burden of not feeling comfortable in your own skin.

We only go around once, as they say, so we should spend more time enjoying what we have. I suggest you work at finding something that ignites your passions. There is so much more to life than obsessing over physical aesthetics. There's way too much emphasis and anxiety regarding how we all look. I've met plenty of visually striking people who are the ugliest people I've ever met.

Hiya,

I get that you want to be female, and not transsexual.

Really though, how often in life do people get 100% what they want?

When we do get what we want, it often involves compromise and sacrifices.
---

It sounds like your feelings about 'trans-ness' are the one big thing holding you back.

Don't let it.

In the general sense - this isn't even trans-specific - if you can fully accept who you are, and be kind to yourself, nobody else can break you.

I put a lot of time and effort into getting my head around being transsexual. It was the best thing I could have done. I own this. I am not a victim of my condition. I am the boss of it.

Zoe x

This is exactly the point , some do .
I was always blamed for wanting and being enraged that i was prejudiced , so i don't exepect many people to understand me . The point is some people have a lot more luck in everything , why Kendall Jenner was born so beautiful and gifted for example ? so normal  so rich ?  I know there is not much to be done about it ,  but i feel enraged and i also hate that i was forced since childhood into this thinking of value the little , seek the poverty and the struggle because there will be a reward . I feel that a huge part of my mental transition is in fact just getting rid of all the mental frames that hold me chained , from the homophobia and transphobia themselves to general thinking , everything was compromised , biased , influenced .
Also even some transexuals are more gifted than other , at least physically , also they are more female : straight and  with a body more meant and receptive to estrogen  .  Yet although i always felt this competition , hate and denigration between and from other transexuals  , now i see it is not like this . It is not my fault that i am less and want to be equal , it is just unluck  , i just want to be normal , binary and succesfull in my gender , and also that made me try to be a bodybuilder in the male role . I just don't want to be like this , neither regarding my inner needs , neither socially .

Nobody worth your time will ever call you 'less', Claudia.

Maybe , but i want that one , the only one i care for when she calls me  freak , less , monster , ... , my (ex)crush

Beside , even if i am trying to get her out of my system i realize that i would never be a choice for someone . Only maybe for some other person who is also not popular or attractive and wants to bury our pain together .

I never was a choice , nor the first nor the second nor the last , i was just a burden whenever  a team or a group was formed .

I believe people get in life what they are capable of handling.The paris hiltons of the world are just beginners playing on easy difficulty, well I'm playing newgame++++ , and I'm still here.

Stay Strong.

I understand that too.

Look, life is not going to stop surprising you.

I still have a ways to go with my transition (13 months so far), and I wasn't expecting to get involved with someone.

But I have. I didn't find him. He found me. I did not see him coming at all.

Now I don't burden myself with expectations of him being 'the one', for my own sake. But he has been very good to me, and he has restored my hopes and dreams.

You never know when this will happen to you ...

I'm sorry your in so much pain, but realistically the argument your presenting can be applied to any condition afflicting any human being. Why was I born so wealthy , but so lonely, why was I born blind , why was I born poor , why was I born an orphan, etc, etc.I don't mean to make light of your pain, but the truth is we all have pain yet we choose to live and try our best . I don't know why humans suffer, but we do.

You are 26 years old. I didn't receive SRS until I was 30 years old. I have a thin tall build at 6'2" (188cm). My voice was so low speech therapy couldn't bring it into the female range. Even if I had a feminine image, my size and voice could give me away. I to would have like to been born female or at least with a more feminine body but I wasn't. I was born with a brain and enough personality that people want my help and like me. They are willing to overlook my flaws and I move freely in society pretty much being accepted as the female person I am.

I also had to deal with personal issues and hang ups and you don't remove them overnight. I worked hard at therapy so by the time I received SRS my new life was ready and I could accept myself for what I am. Would I give up my body for the little sexy number now, NO. I have made one improvement that wasn't available to me 33 years ago and that is voice surgery. I have no desire for FFS so other than the fact that black and white pictures is old, I still have the same face and will continue to have it.

As long as you are hung up on what could be, instead of what is, you will never find happiness. You only become happy by accepting things as they are and then building on them.

Quote from: Claudia_FF on July 30, 2015, 03:01:58 AM
This is exactly the point , some do .
I was always blamed for wanting and being enraged that i was prejudiced , so i don't exepect many people to understand me . The point is some people have a lot more luck in everything , why Kendall Jenner was born so beautiful and gifted for example ? so normal  so rich ?  I know there is not much to be done about it ,  but i feel enraged and i also hate that i was forced since childhood into this thinking of value the little , seek the poverty and the struggle because there will be a reward . I feel that a huge part of my mental transition is in fact just getting rid of all the mental frames that hold me chained , from the homophobia and transphobia themselves to general thinking , everything was compromised , biased , influenced .
Also even some transexuals are more gifted than other , at least physically , also they are more female : straight and  with a body more meant and receptive to estrogen  .  Yet although i always felt this competition , hate and denigration between and from other transexuals  , now i see it is not like this . It is not my fault that i am less and want to be equal , it is just unluck  , i just want to be normal , binary and succesfull in my gender , and also that made me try to be a bodybuilder in the male role . I just don't want to be like this , neither regarding my inner needs , neither socially .

Hi,

I was also a bodybuilder, practically my whole puberty. The reasons were to defend myself from bullying and to try and deny my "feminine side", like you just said, to be normal and successful in my gender. My God, I even learned to sing as a male, one of the first things I was taught was to do the "bull frog", that is, to lower the larynx as much as possible to sing better without forcing the larynx, and now I am having tons of trouble unlearning that and trying to do the exact opposite (raise the larynx, the whole voice box, to eliminate any male resonance). It's been years for me and I'm still struggling a lot, I really don't like my female voice at all.

Kendal Jenner, really? Do you think she's got it all? Keep in mind that she is only 19. Most girls that are physically fit and are daughters of celebrities tend to look from fine to very good at such age. But wait until she gets over the 30 barrier. I assure you very few people will idolize her purely based on her looks --which IMO aren't so great anyways, there are many teenagers who look much better than her to me, only she is famous and therefore well-connected and known, that's all--. Then when she gets past the 40 and then the 50 barrier, she will be followed and remembered only if she has other qualities than her face and body. So actually you can see it two ways: she is lucky because she is NOW a beautiful girl, or she is unlucky because when she loses that PHYSICAL beauty, and believe me if she grows old enough IT WILL HAPPEN, then she could become utterly depressed, even more so than you and me are now, believe it or not. Because at that point she will lament not having what SHE HAD and enjoyed so much. It's like a blind person who becomes blind vs. one who was born that way, or one that is born with no legs and one that loses them. I'm pretty sure the one who had sight or had legs has a much tougher time than one that was born that way and knows no other way to deal with life anyways.

Like you, I don't want to be the way I am physically, and I wish I was born a cis woman, so both emotionally, physically and socially things could be more "normal" for me as well. But I was out of luck every bit the same as you were, and so many other transgender people were. Every bit the same as people who were born with a harsher condition, like a physical defect that made them a disabled person.

The obvious thing to say is to count your blessings but I totally understand that you are very distraught at this moment because of that JERK that told you that you are a freak. You know what? THAT PERSON is the freak, not you. I'd much rather have as a lover a person with a soul, with feelings, than a jack ass who dares assign names to another person purely based on whether they feel they are physically attracted to them or not. And I am assuming you are not the person in the Avatar, because if you are, then both you and that horrendous person who called you a freak seriously need to get your eyes checked.

I wish you the very best in recovering from the depression that that unworthy shallow person has brought into your life. There are beautiful people in this world as well, believe me, and that has NOTHING to do with physical appearance. Many of them are right here, on this website, for example. You could make some friends with substance, and stay away from shallow people like that jerk. I hope you realize this very soon and get out of that depressive state you suffer from at the moment.

Cheers

Bibi