I feel like this is all really sinking in. The reality of what could really lie ahead of me, how many obstacles, and problems I could face, the trouble and misunderstanding, and ignorance of others, especially those closest to me...
But it's weird because even KNOWING that there will be so many obstacles... it all just feels surreal in a 'this is right' way. Kind of hopeful.
Because I believe this is the ONE life we get, why shouldn't I live it to the fullest? Why live out the remainder of my life in this female body and constantly miserable when looking into the future and picturing myself as male feels so bright and right?
Geez it's so weird and maybe it's because I'm writing this at three in the morning and it's shark week so I'm just a mess all over haha.

It's been a good day, though... I called a therapist who specialises in Transfolks, and she was so nice... asked me if
I was FtM or MtF(my voice is deep naturally so I hope she honestly didn't know), what my preferred name was, if I wanted male pronouns... She said she would make note of it and let the staff/office know as well so they won't get it wrong when I go in Saturday to see her. She was so considerate... I hope it carries through when we meet in person, but she seemed genuinely to be looking forward to meeting me, and I kinda wanted to cry. I wonder if my anxiety-- whose source has been a mystery all these years-- will end up being related to my gender identity problems. Guess I'll find out eventually.

I went to the store and bought more male clothes-- tank tops, shorts, and short sleeve shirts since it's still hot as hell out and I only had feminine tank tops. Was a bit weird though when my sis and I ran into one of her friends and after her friend asking what was up, my sib was like: Oh nothin', just shopping with my sister!'
Made me feel odd inside, because increasingly I'm becoming more uncomfortable with female gender markers as I get more comfortable and accepting of my being male, but I'm not out with my immediate family, aside from my mom who is still processing things. So for now, I get to hear 'she', and 'her', and 'daughter'.

I've been researching and reading a lot, watching a lot of videos, regarding testosterone and I have few doubts about wanting to start it. The only effects I don't want will be the fat going to my waist and possibly losing my hair but no one wants to get older and who knows! that might happen regardless of T lol. I'm a physically healthy person, though, and beginning to get more active, and I'm only 18. So I'm not too worried.
I was looking at before/afters of top surgery and wanted to cry. The thought of not having this literal weight on my chest and feeling so free being shirtless.... I already felt so blissful just riding my bike today wearing just my binder for my shirt.

I love the thought of my voice getting deeper, my muscle structure changing, my jaw line getting stronger, seeing if my cheekbones get more enhanced, along with my brow ridge... Facial hair I'd be fine with or without. I like beards, but I cosplay so being clean shaven is probably how I'd default.
Then I got squeamish at the thought of getting my uterus out, but that's something I've ALWAYS wanted, even before I recognised I was trans. My mom knows how much I've been like: I want this thing out of me ASAP' over the years since I started shark week.

Anyway... I feel a strange mix of happy and sad. Sad I have to wait for any of these changes, scared of what my family is going to think while simultaneously knowing that this is MY life, and regardless of what they think... I have my best friend's support, and several other friends who would support me, but my best friend is who really matters. Sad that I still have to keep binding, even though I LOVE my binder... it's pretty much a part of who I am right now. And it's really comfy.
But I'm happy I feel less confused, more at peace with myself when I'm in male's clothes, binding, and packing, and happy that my family doesn't care that I already present as male despite not being out as trans.
Happy to picture myself as male in the future, as impossible as it is to know what I'll look like. Hopeful I/my family can afford any treatment I start....
Very hopeful my therapist will turn out to be a good one and she'll help me through all this stuff...
But there's always that doubt in the back of my mind that's like: Are you kidding yourself with all of this?''
And then the rational side that's like: Look at your life, Mel! It's ALWAYS been heading in this direction. ALWAYS. Any doubt is just natural, normal reaction, but it's only to be acknowledged, then dismissed...''

Yeah.... Text wall of emotions. Surreal... interesting emotions. I feel so strangely peaceful for once... Nothing's ever really made sense before. There's always been that /one/ thing that's been missing and confusing the hell out of me and I think I might have found it.

I tend to feel the same, especially since my transition phase is prolonged because of lack of funds and the fact that I am in a different country, while my original one is very negative (and hostile) against anyone lgbt, let alone trans, which tends to be more visible.

Ever since I found that word - transgender - it helped me understand things and feelings that were happening. It makes me very happy when someone uses sir or my chosen name, and I am slowly adding more people  to 'in-the-know' list. I would be very happy once my chest looks how it should. Right now even wearing a binder is painful, but I do wear it for cosplay and for days when I just cant handle feeling things being there. It used to be a very nice feeling to get called by the character's name and be treated as male for a few days at cons, though it seems that with prevalence of crossplay more people assume wrong. I still like the hobby and every once in a while you will get a photo where you go 'YAAAAH~ Thats so nice. Look at this cool guy that is me xD'

A journey is important, and if it has a goal that makes you genuinely happy then even if it takes a while it will be all the more awesome once you get there.

Its sad in a way that its difficult and there are a lot of challenges, but its also happy because its about you being yourself to the fullest.

It's a journey. It's up and down. It's big. But it's also amazing   I'm glad that you're figuring things out for yourself and that you've found a therapist. Don't over-worry about doubting yourself or struggling when you realize just how long this road may be. We're all here for you and we've all been there at the beginning freaking out about the ups and downs. I wish you luck with coming out with your family.

Quote from: Yazoo on July 30, 2015, 05:09:07 PM
I tend to feel the same, especially since my transition phase is prolonged because of lack of funds and the fact that I am in a different country, while my original one is very negative (and hostile) against anyone lgbt, let alone trans, which tends to be more visible.

Ever since I found that word - transgender - it helped me understand things and feelings that were happening. It makes me very happy when someone uses sir or my chosen name, and I am slowly adding more people  to 'in-the-know' list. I would be very happy once my chest looks how it should. Right now even wearing a binder is painful, but I do wear it for cosplay and for days when I just cant handle feeling things being there. It used to be a very nice feeling to get called by the character's name and be treated as male for a few days at cons, though it seems that with prevalence of crossplay more people assume wrong. I still like the hobby and every once in a while you will get a photo where you go 'YAAAAH~ Thats so nice. Look at this cool guy that is me xD'

A journey is important, and if it has a goal that makes you genuinely happy then even if it takes a while it will be all the more awesome once you get there.

Its sad in a way that its difficult and there are a lot of challenges, but its also happy because its about you being yourself to the fullest.

It's definitely very gratifying to be referred to as your male characters when cosplaying! I cosplay a LOT lol And I get a lot of compliments on how attractive I look as a guy so that always helps boost my ego a bit...

But I mostly agree except that there's nothing painful about my binder, physically or emotionally haha I love that thing to death, but look forward to the day I won't need it!

Quote from: AbeLane on July 30, 2015, 05:49:53 PM
It's a journey. It's up and down. It's big. But it's also amazing   I'm glad that you're figuring things out for yourself and that you've found a therapist. Don't over-worry about doubting yourself or struggling when you realize just how long this road may be. We're all here for you and we've all been there at the beginning freaking out about the ups and downs. I wish you luck with coming out with your family.

Yeah, I worry a lot about doubting myself, especially when I'm feeling good, then I realise I'm only feeling good because I'm binding and packing so that solves two of my biggest problems *palmface* Then if I take my binder off I'm like 'ugh boobs are in the way all the time and heavy and annoying' and I'm not even that big....

Anyway, I'm just trying to take things easy. I'm good at stressing myself out and need to learn to relax.
I am also happy I found a therapist, especially so soon in my journey. If the universe allows it, hopefully that will make things easier for me

Want to add my emotions here as they are similar.  The summer between 7 and 8th grade was real bad for me started shark week and growing boobs no longer could see myself as one of the guys.  I still have problems getting dress every morning and with shark week.  Living as a guy has helps but need more, hopefully surgery.

I can't help but wonder how much sooner I'd really have started identifying as male if I was 'socialised' properly. I mean, I was homeschooled pretty much my whole school life (except for 2.5 years in highschool when I went to a college prep school) and I grew up in a rural area playing with my sisters and catching bugs and lizards and snakes from my earliest years.
If I grew up around other kids that weren't my sisters(who have grown up and 'feminised' per say,) I wonder how things would have been.
So technically I've never been 'one of the guys' since I've never had the chance to be so. Though I did enjoy talking to guys a lot more in high school than girls. They were easier to get along with.

for me its pretty weird, I knew something was up when I was 4 . I knew early on I was not in the right place. Because of the times I didn't get the information or the help I needed Because of no help I had to deny who I was because  who I was was different than my physical appearance. I finally realize and accept how wrong it was and that I can still change and be free.

I think most people can agree just being in our sorts of situations can be pretty weird.

A lot of transguys I talk to say how they always were 'one of the guys' or were forced to dress feminine or not express their masculine sides, but I was never forced to do that... probably because I'm so damn stubborn most of the time.
I know things would be different if my parents were strict about that, and I'm fortunate to be growing up in an age where there's so much information available and help and support from others can so easily be found online....

But it is definitely liberating to realise 'you DON'T have to be trapped like this for the rest of your life'! I think a lot of people could agree to that...