So I know this post has been made a thousand times by as many different people, but I need some sort of outlet and maybe a kind word or two. It's pretty dim so skip this post if you're in a fragile place. Otherwise, thanks for reading.

Long story short, I got an appointment made with an endocrinologist for the middle of next February. That's a pretty long way off and I can feel time slowly ticking by as I wait somewhat impatiently. However perhaps it's good it's so far away because ever since making the appointment I've been having pretty big episodes of doubt as to whether or not this is a good idea. Or at least if it's the right move to make. I get the impression transitioning is a bad idea no matter what, but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.

I feel like no matter what I am or what I feel like on the inside, the outside is...not sure how to put this. Corrupted by masculinity, I guess? Like it's an incurable STD or something. Even the inside is touched by this poisoning, and while I can minimize the effects as much as possible it's still an infection I'll have to carry around and deal with. Not that masculinity is inherently bad, it's just really freaking wrong for "me".

Anyways, I can't even get my $&*t together right now (or really at any other time in my life), and by all accounts transitioning is lots of work, takes courage and fortitude etc. I don't know if I can do it.

The idea of not transitioning is bleak. "The Road" sort of bleak. But it is something I can handle. Perhaps not in a healthy way, but I've been doing it this long. I'm pretty good at being the somewhat angry asocial dude. There's a sort of inner strength there, a wall I can and have built up so my heart isn't a gaping open wound all the time.

Or I can try to transition and chase down some sort of happiness. I may even catch some! Along with a lot of being scared and hurt, failing to meet the mark and having to pull myself back up and try again. I may fail repeatedly until I can't handle it anymore, and then it's too late to go back.

How much happiness do cis people get out of their gender anyways. Is happy an unrealistic expectation to get out of one's gender?

Transitioning is stupid. Being trans is stupid. The whole thing is just FJDSKLFHJDKS. But after the inner temper-tantrum about how stupid it all is, it's still freaking there, stalking me like my shadow. Go away transness, I've got other problems in my life to deal with.

Gotta face it sooner then later. With time it gets worse... Trust me

I was there many years ago as well. Transitioning is a lot of work but you don't do it all at once. Little things like getting your beard removed so you never touch a razor again except to shave your legs makes a big difference. Working on you appearance can start now and part time living is also possible. Once you start seeing how different life is on the other side the less it will seem like a task and the more you will know it's the right thing for you to do.

For me, transitioning was the key to happiness. I wear a smile all the time because I am happy with life. The old me never felt that way. I think in ways I am much happier than a CIS because I have so many years of troubled living to compare the life I live now to. At the very least, transitioning freed me from the pain I felt every day before transitioning.

Baby steps is really how we accomplish our transitions. It's true transition is a marathon and not a sprint so it will take time, but as Dena points out there is a lot you can do in the meantime while waiting. Secondly, the fact that seeing the Endo is that far off also allows you time have more therapy sessions and as a result work through things a bit more so you are sure it's something you do or don't want to do. I can remember when I first Started looking at transitioning and all the things that I needed to accomplish, but then eventually realized it didn't have to be done all at once. As Chloe pointed out, it's highly likely not transitioning will only make the dysphoria worse over time because I know it did for me. Hugs
Mariah

I've been where you, and still am in some ways.

In my experience once you get to this stage it just keeps worse and worse. You've seen nothing yet. Transitioning will start to look like the easy option if you just keep waiting. Having said that I've been on HRT for years and have not socially transitioned. HRT makes me happy, and I don't feel all that much need to transition anymore, and not enough for push me forward any further against all the problems it would cause me (lots of them).

Once you start HRT you'll no doubt see what you've been missing in life, and you'll not be able to back to being an angry dude. I started and stopped HRT a few times until I just couldn't face life without it anymore. Give it a go.

I'm very glad I transitioned. I'm so much better suited for life as a woman. It makes more sense.

Am I happier? Yes, in general, but every unpleasant thing hasn't been washed out of my life. My family life has deteriorated, for example.

OTOH, I've had moments of euphoria that cispeople don't, when I finally saw the female me.

If you can't convince yourself that transitioning is a good idea, maybe it isn't. I'm well into my transition at 30 years old, and I really wish I had started younger. But what my current self wants is irrelevant, my younger self just wasn't ready. If you're not ready now, you may be ready in the future, but don't let your future self dictate the present. Medical transition is not something a person should undertake unless they're reasonably sure it's the right thing for them.

Thank you all for your responses, they mean a lot. And the outside perspectives by those who have been there are hugely appreciated.

My therapist is cool and all but I get the feeling that gender is such an innate part of us that people who don't have that disconnect can only sympathize. It's too foreign of an experience to truly empathize with unless you've felt it to some degree. So while she's useful and "gets it", at least on an intellectual level, hearing from others who have experienced this sort of thing is nice. Maybe that's why she keeps bringing up the LGBT group :p

Or maybe I should supplement my therapy with an actual gender therapist, at least once or twice. I don't know. Lots to think about. Thanks everyone.

I would imagine that is one reason to bring the group up, but not the only reason too. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: IdontEven on July 31, 2015, 06:39:35 PM
Thank you all for your responses, they mean a lot. And the outside perspectives by those who have been there are hugely appreciated.

My therapist is cool and all but I get the feeling that gender is such an innate part of us that people who don't have that disconnect can only sympathize. It's too foreign of an experience to truly empathize with unless you've felt it to some degree. So while she's useful and "gets it", at least on an intellectual level, hearing from others who have experienced this sort of thing is nice. Maybe that's why she keeps bringing up the LGBT group :p

Or maybe I should supplement my therapy with an actual gender therapist, at least once or twice. I don't know. Lots to think about. Thanks everyone.

Just know that this is something that never goes away.  Sure you can try to hide it, control it or ignore it but it never goes away.  And while you may not be aware of it on a conscious level, it will be alive and well in your sub-conscious mind and it will affect your life.  I spent way too much of my life being unhappy and wanting to die.  Because I had put this out of my mind (my conscious mind) I could not figure out what was making me so unhappy.  Since I decided to transition my outlook on life has turned completely around and I look forward to each new day. 

Only you can truly know what path is right for you.  Take the time over the next few months to explore your feelings and weigh the pros and con's involved.  For me, waiting until my mid 50's allowed me to have children and establish a career (which is a pro) while not living as my true self caused me to spend 2/3 of my life feeling like an outsider in my own life (which is a con).  I believe that had I known then what I know now, my life would be very different.   

We only live once and because of the time we are living in now, it is possible to make the change and have a happy successful life.  It's pretty clear that the potential to succeed is much greater today than it was even a few years ago.  And, depending on where you live, the process to transition is not nearly as daunting as it once was.  In my case, which admittedly is not typical, I have gone from being male to legally being female in almost every way in only 5 months.  I started counseling in February, HRT in March, coming out to friends and family in March and April, legal name and gender change in May, full time living as female in June and completed name and gender change on my educational (undergraduate and law school), governmental (social security, drivers license, bar association, licensing agencies, passport and Department of Homeland Security travel records), personal (insurance, medical care providers and frequent flyer programs) and financial (IRA, 401k, 457b, bank accounts, credit card companies) during the last two months.

If you put your mind to it you can do almost anything.  It's amazing what can happen in only a few months.

When faced with great existential questions such as Transition or Not, one simple question always yields an answer. Though you got to be totally honest with yourself and you may not like the answer. "Which Pain is Worse?" Sticking it out as one, somewhat comfortable way? Or, follow a totally ridiculous dream that makes absolutely no "Logical" sense?

well I can tell you it never will go away I have walk through this world piss off at the world and it not worth it. its a sad life to live but its a life we know. its a comfort zone, but its not truly us, we are actresses stuck in a long running soap playing a man. just wishing it would end so we can be our self. but everything comes in time don't rush it. but face this head on and if your in doubt then you need to stop evaluate yourself and find yourself and your path. but we all deserve happiness that's a fact because life is to short to go at it piss off all the time and unhappy. and I found out we need a great therapist to help us and friends.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I have had my facial hair removed and have been on hormones for 1o years.  Shave my legs. Wear what I want at home, extremely butch at work-management end of a large commercial contractor.  My wife is very accepting and would have no problems with a total transition.  Why don't I?  Pure greed!  I would lose my job, and until recently here in US it meant losing health insurance.  We are now retiring and I expect to continue my transition at a higher level.  It has been rough in some ways, but saw total transition as something that would be more detrimental to my lifestyle and family health.  I read about some people who transition and keep their jobs, families, and lifestyles. 

What I am trying to say is that only you can figure out what you can live with.  My experience with support groups is that people often fail and lose everything.  While Susans seems to be filled with success stories I wonder what the percentage really is? When I read my facebook posts it seems like everyone is jetting the world, without a care.  I know from personal interactions with some of them that it isn't true.  They aren't liar, just the online format tends to produce the "Christmas letter" syndrome.  I'm not saying that it is impossible, just that you are right it is hard.  It is easier to find some middle path, husband your resources, and go at your own pace.       

i have been in these thoughts for years and even now i have some doubts about transitioning. i have a lovely wife, a sweet daughter and a succesfull job. but dysphoria has kick me on again and every time it's much worse! i have seen an endo and next week i will start hrt. i am going to see how i am going to feel about this, transition in baby steps and then i will see. it is not that the day you start you are going to transform to a woman, these things takes time and time sometimes is a good thing. but as others said before only you know better about yourself!