Hello Everyone

I have not written an introduction whilst being here but have already read a number of great posts.

It has taken 50 years for me to be able to make the statement that I am transgender and until the last 5 or so years I tried to kid myself that I was a crossdresser.

So about me? I am 51 born male, have struggled with my gender identity MTF since I was was a little kid and can describe many situations that I am sure most folks here could relate to. When I got to 19 I was suicidal, desperate and in need of help. I saw the only therapist available to me so I could work out if I need to transition. This therapist did not have the skills to be dealing with me and should have deferred to someone with more experience (I found this out years later) It ended badly and I dove headfirst into a bottle of booze which is where I stayed until 15 years ago. I ended up getting really sick and was lucky to survive. I tried again at this stage to "come out" but in the end I stopped and withdrew again because I could see what it was doing to my spouse who I love with every part of my being and always have.

So time rolls on again and I am able to keep things under control, I am dealing with chronic pain issues along with a couple of other minor health issues. But the whole time there is a constant undercurrent of thought in the back of my head. When I wake up in the morning my first thoughts are about that I am a guy and wish I wasn't. This kind of thinking is then with me all day until I can sleep. I do get some times of respite when I am fully occupied with what I am doing...which is very rarely. The "commentary" which is playing in my mind constantly ranges from thoughts about being different and how I feel differently about things than any man I know, to, I see a woman and I look at her fashion style and how well she presents herself, I see myself in her role, or her clothes, or makeup but mainly in an all encompassing way. In other words I don't particularly want the clothes I want the role, enough of the body so I can fit in. This constant thinking is like an internal battleground with no winners.

I am going to see a therapist to get a referral to the appropriate people to get help with this. I have this fear that I won't be "allowed" to transition, because I don't meet the criteria, or some other reason and I will be left as I am.

On each occasion where I have tried to come out and it ended badly, it was followed by a long and deep depression which took much of my energy to fight. I don't think I can do it again, I can't cope with that level of darkness in my life.

Things are different this time, My wife and I have talked more about it recently than since before we were married 30 years ago. She understands that I need to sort this out, she is fearful of what it will mean, however I have recommitted to her and won't be going anywhere unless she wants me to. She also said she did not want to leave or end this marriage but she is scared. I have had some real difficulty getting her to engage me about this. She knew I was a crossdresser before we got married. Unfortunately over the years my crossdressing became less and less satisfactory. I don't crossdress that often because it feels more like "playing" to me, IMHO being a woman is certainly not about wearing a dress, its about the way you carry yourself, your confidence, the way you treat yourself, the way you treat and interact with others and I could go on but I think you get my idea. Don't get me wrong I enjoying putting on makeup and a dress like any other gal but what I am saying is that while important in some ways, for me, they are secondary. Crossdressing has a profound effect on my psyche so much so that it scares me that it all feels so completely natural to be dressed that way. I usually get quite down after I dress. I think it is because I put away a big part of me when I return to male mode and it hurts. 

It has taken me a long time and many tears to get to this point in my life. I can see the patterns of old behaviour appearing and I know where they take me. I don't want to go their and I am certain my wife doesn't want me going there either. Do I think I am a woman? I can't answer that questions because I have no frame of reference for it, I can only make assumptions that the way I feel is how a woman may feel. I know I don't feel the same way other men do about a whole range of things. I think a bit differently.

I know things are never going to be the same again and I only hope that I can proceed with my partner at my side and hopefully we can come out the other side still intact. If there is anything such as a soul mate then I found mine, 3 weeks after meeting her we moved in together and that was 32 years ago.

Sorry its so long and thanks for reading

Sarah T

I won't kid you, transitioning is hard work and there is much you need to do. I can tell you that you have the normal story and transitioning will be important to you. SRS is in the future but if it will help you, I currently see not reason why it would be withheld. You are not the oldest person transitioning on this website. I know the state of treatment when you attempted it the first time because I had to work with much the same level of knowledge. It took me three therapist before I was able to find what I needed an moved forward.

As for your wife, I don't have a clue it's about 50/50 that you will stay together. I hope you do but you need to talk about this a lot and come to an understanding what life will be like.

We are here to help you however we can and that goes for me personally as well. If you have problems or questions, let us know and we will do our best to help you solve them.

Hey Sarah

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

thanks for sharing your story. I hope it goes well with the counsellor next week.

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Cheers

Grace

welcome, I'm one of the younger ones around here(not).explore and search for answers.

*

It will be great if you and your wife can stay together.  marriage equality is the law now - in the old days married couple were obligated to divorce.

I wanted to open with that point in the hopes that you and your wife will work on this together and that she will stay with you when you begin transition, when you are in transition, when you complete transition - all at however you are comfortable completing.

So many couple decide on divorce and that is sad. So this is a good start that your wife wants to stay with you and make your change work for both of you.  You have already passed one major hurdle.

Look to your future and what good will come; it is okay to recognise your past but focus on the good in your past as well.

Good counsellors and physicians can be difficult to find at first and at places where there are few in practice.  I began in 1974 (age 18).  I lived at small towns and had difficulty in my early time because I was their first transsexual - we both were doing this as our first time.  Eventually I returned home to a large metropolitan area with many transsexual counsellors, physicians, endocrinologists.

Please seek help if you are alcoholic - my friend has been to AA and sober since the 1980s.

Clothing is not everything but at some stages it does become your symbolism of your female person-hood.  In practicality, your wife can help you decide on your style of female attire - size, color, scheme.  If she accepts you, then she will accept you as you transition and wear female attire - begin in the privacy of home and expand as your comfort level expands.

This may also help your wife lessen her fears - about you and about her future with you and your marriage; that she remains with you these past 32 years says she is remarkable - a 'keeper' for life.  She could easily have left you at any time along the way and she stays with you - she chose to remain with you despite whatever issues you are facing - she is with you to help you.

There is nothing necessarily wrong thinking how you hate your male anatomy.  I studied M-F transsexualism not only for myself but in medical school as research.  I learned that one primary category of the M-F true transsexual abhors their male anatomy.  Your transsexual counsellor can work with you on your feelings.  You will win your battles.

I can't speak for the medical community, only my own experience, but I would say that your counsellor should not be some gatekeeper denying access to you but rather your friend guiding you to wherever you need to go.

Good luck!

*

Hi Sarah, welcome to Susan's. A therapist could help you sort through this. As Dena pointed out a lot of work does go into transition and it's definitely a long process. Sorry the first therapist you had wasn't right for you. They are there to help you despite the fact they hold the keys that allow us to move forward with certain aspects of our transitions. Your fear is very common and even one I had coming despite the fact that I knew that fear would never come true. I look forward to seeing your around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thankyou all for your quick replies,

I think am especially lucky to have my partner. She is one of a kind and I need to have patience. Over the last week I have been researching how other spouses have reacted to their mtf husbands. How they feel, fears etc etc and one of the things that came through loudly and clearly is the sense of betrayal felt by many wives especially when there has been no disclosure prior to marriage. Although my partner did know prior to us being married I am not sure it has made things any easier for her other than to say she had a "choice" prior to the marriage. I don't think it's that simple and I don't think she would see it that way.

One of the other things I have tried to do is to put myself in her place and reversing the position, would I be keen to show her how to shave, how to act "manly", how to buy butch clothes, how would I feel if she wanted to have a mastectomy or pack and bind? How would I feel if she had stubble all over her face rather than makeup? Would I as A male feel threatened? I guess its the same for her when it comes to me.

I had a makeover last week and showed her the photo's this morning. I have never had my makeup professionally done nor a full selection of clothes that fit me to choose from. My wife has never seen me professionally made up wearing appropriate well-fitting clothes. Before showing them to her I told her I had no expectations of what she would think and whatever she did think was Ok with me but for her to be honest. I also told her if she did not want to discuss it after viewing the pics then whenever she was ready was fine with me.

I left her alone for about 10 minutes and then we had a very frank, sometimes funny, but very open discussion. She asked how I felt after doing the makeover and I told her the truth, that the photo's don't lie and in a few I am very relaxed and clearly having a good time. The most telling were the un-posed pictures where I was at my most natural. She liked my dress, wig and shoes, she was not at all surprised and in fact laughed when I told her I couldn't help myself and bought the lot. She also asked if I wanted to do it more or less now that I had, had, this experience. I told her I was scared because it felt good and I enjoyed it way too much. Interestingly she asked about "the commentary" in my head and was it any better. I was again truthful and said I got nearly 12 hrs where I felt almost at truce with myself. I find it hard to describe, everything kind of smooths out...I find more to be happy about,  things don't bother me in quite the same way. The commentary in my head is all but gone and I have peace which lasted long after I got home that afternoon. By the next morning things were back to normal and I hated everything.

One of the last things we discussed was my wife asking if I thought she was holding me back because she really doesn't want to see me in person, dressed. I said to her that at some point I think I will need to spend a prolonged period en femme if I am ever going explore this properly so we will need to work out some boundaries that she is comfortable with. I don't know when I will need to do this but I told her I understood the need for patience and would not do anything like that without speaking to her about it first. 

She asked me if I woke up each day and wanted to put on a dress, I told her there were many days that is exactly what I want to do but don't mainly in deference to her wishes.   We did talk about what happens to me when I do dress and I think she had visons of every caricature of a "man in a dress" had ever seen. But I explained it to her by saying that Sarah (me) is as much a part of the man she married as any other part of me and without her influence on me because she is part of me then she may not have been attracted to me in the first place. She could see what I was saying and agreed.

I will wrap this up now with a couple of last comments, thank you for the offers of support and I can see from what many girls say, transition is tough and I get that, if it's a choice between living as I am or tackling transition then I will take transition any day. I may or may not need to have SRS but again that is a long way down the track and if I can find a suitable compromise that I can live with then I will take it. Finally I have been sober for 16 years , I have never attended AA and never will as we have a fundamental difference in opinion. I am still sober after 16 years and each year it gets just that bit less of a battle.

Thank you again for bearing with me

Sarah T

   

It sounds like you are making progress and it will take time for you to learn where your wife's hard boundaries are. Once you understand the limits, you know if this can be made to work. If your wife is still uncomfortable seeing you in a dress, possibly when you get home, you might be able to dress down a bit and wear woman's pants. For me, after a long day at the office, I would change into something more relaxing that requires me to be less careful about modesty and I would wash my face so I didn't have to worry about getting makeup on anything. As sometimes I would do stuff at home that might stain my dress wear, this had the advantage that I didn't damage an expensive wool skirt and only damaged inexpensive jeans.

Quote from: Dena on August 02, 2015, 09:26:00 AM
It sounds like you are making progress and it will take time for you to learn where your wife's hard boundaries are. Once you understand the limits, you know if this can be made to work. If your wife is still uncomfortable seeing you in a dress, possibly when you get home, you might be able to dress down a bit and wear woman's pants. For me, after a long day at the office, I would change into something more relaxing that requires me to be less careful about modesty and I would wash my face so I didn't have to worry about getting makeup on anything. As sometimes I would do stuff at home that might stain my dress wear, this had the advantage that I didn't damage an expensive wool skirt and only damaged inexpensive jeans.

That is a great idea and one I have been following up on this morning. I am going to try and put together an outfit that will have some feminine elements such as a nice top maybe in a neutral colour to begin with. I have been looking online for a pair of slacks that I like. I can wear a pair of flats or slippers with them. We need to more on from where we are at the moment however at this stage it will just be baby steps and try and keep within her levels of comfort.

Thanks

Sarah  T

Hi Sarah 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

A nice big warm welcome to Susan's Sarah

Lovely to have you here

I fully agree with your comment about a woman being in mind, soul and emotion, but from my perspective its also about body, as I was clearly born with a horrible mix up of sexual organs and therefore I need the womanly form and all the clothing, as I prefer it also, which for me completes the package, oh by the way I am 62 and knew who I was at 4, very dysphoric from 5 onward till late teens, but chose the path of least resistance, now after all the years and kids/grandkids trying to negotiate and correct myself!

So big welcome to Susan's and I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy