I'm sure this has been discussed numerous times! But I am being eaten alive by doubt and worry tonight, so I wanted to utilize this resource while I can.

I am a person who is somewhere between nonbinary and ftM. I think. That is the nature of my problem. I don't know where on the transgender spectrum I lie. I was born AFAB. As my parents would be quick to say, I never said "i'm definitely a boy!" growing up or anything. I definitely gravitated towards boys' fashion though, I liked dinosaurs and animals more than barbie dolls or anything. I did not ever have an interest in girls fashion or pretty things as a child, but I wonder if this is due to being a autism-spectrum child.

Basically, I am a little head-messed up..whether it's a mood disorder or personality disorder or autism spectrum. I am high functioning, though, which is why I haven't bothered with much of a diagnosis. I just know I'm weird and as a child it was much worse, but with age I have become responsible and calmer, albeit a bit of a late bloomer (27 now). I've always been very wishy washy.

Fast forward to adolescence. I went through many fashion changes, always feeling ugly or wrong, but not knowing why. It definitely wasn't "boy trapped in a woman's body", but more feeling eternally disgusting. I began to meet trans people, real trans people, and not just tabloid news stories, and I began to wonder. Fast forward to 2012, I decide to experiment with they and he pronouns, buy my first binder.. As I "masculinize" myself, I am becoming more and more  comfortable with and attracted to myself. I feel more stable than I ever have being myself, being flat-chested and called "he".

Now, I am out at work about being trans, [edit] Have been 'socially out' for over two years. [end edit] everyone I know (except my blood family, thanks...) respects my pronouns and respects me. But my family drags me down.. their opinion of me, in that I didn't show enough warning signs, that I'm "making a big mistake", and honestly it gets to me myself. I wear a binder every day, I love my hair being short, I love my leg hair, I love being called a boy or a guy..but I still don't see myself as a "man". I still like certain 'girly' things, or even being feminized in sexual/fetish situations for funsies, but day to day I see myself as a boy. I look at my breasts and I just don't like them, I don't want them there. I want a flat chest and some body hair. And that's where I'm hung up. I'm not sure if I should be medically transitioning, even though a big part of me wants to. I have an appointment in a few days for a consultation, and I'm honestly super nervous. Part of me is terrified of becoming TOO manly. Are there other guys on HRT who still like girly things in some situations? Basically.. I'm terrified I'm not trans enough, that I shouldn't take HRT or do top surgery, even though I want to.

I don't know, it felt really good to type it out.. and if there's anyone else in my boat, please speak up, and feel free to share your experiences.

The best advice any of us can give you is to find a therapist with gender experience to help discover where to go and what course to take. None of us can tell you what to do or even if you should transition. We have no idea how any gender Dysphoria may present to you. The rule of thumb is if you are asking questions about your gender a therapist should be sought out.

Yes, there is a gender therapist at the clinic I'm going to. I have plans to talk to them too.

But I wanted to see if other people had experienced these thoughts, most of all.

Quote from: canislupus on August 02, 2015, 01:33:10 AM
Yes, there is a gender therapist at the clinic I'm going to. I have plans to talk to them too.

But I wanted to see if other people had experienced these thoughts, most of all.

First, a therapist should be contacted before any surgery is done. They slow you enough to really consider how the surgery and effects will help or hurt you hopefully eliminating any regret. Some procedures call for a letter or two before they are performed anyway.

Most all of us had total confusion of some kind when we started our journey, so that is very common. I knew since age 7, but the generation I was in was not supportive at all and procedures were newer and some unproven. I fought myself every single minute of every single day to the point it wore me out. You are completely normal with your confusion. There are a lot of good people to help you on your way here.

Quote from: canislupus on August 02, 2015, 01:28:59 AM
I don't know where on the transgender spectrum I lie.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time thinking about this. We can literally wear ourselves out trying to figure out how to label ourselves. My therapist encourages me to figure out how I want to live rather than exactly what I am.

Because we can be whatever kind of person we want. The world of men and women isn't as binary as it looks. If you want to be a man, you can be whatever kind of man you want. There are FtMs and male presenting non-binary people who frequently crossdress. That's OK.

There's no requirement you meet any particular gender requirement.

And I HATE it when people tell me I'm making a "big mistake". How the #@!! do they know? Do they have gender dysphoria? Do they have ANY idea what gender dysphoria is like?

In my case, all the people who told my I was making a big mistake turned out to be completely wrong.

If you think going to a therapist will help, by all means go see someone. Some of us figured ourselves out without one, others of found therapy very helpful.

I wouldn't worry about the "exactly where" either. Foremost is where you "believe" you are today, stands a good likelihood of changing tomorrow. Just as where you thought you were 5 years ago is different then 2 years ago and may be different today. I have little doubt you are Trans*. You are out socially, you pretty much hate your body as it is. Feel more at ease seeing, being seen as, hearing and thinking of yourself in male terms. Out at work. Out to your family, your friends.

So what will change?  If I pull out my magic fairy wand and tap you on the head and say "You are _____", just what will you do differently? Would you feel elated or like an idiot? What if I said you are somewhere along the spectrum, not cis-female and not cis-male. You made some some changes in your life and you feel far happier now being you then ever before. Your life seems to be working better then before, aside from a few things which may have never worked. AND, you don't see or feel any overwhelming reason to change anything right now?

In other words, kind of like me and many others here. I am thankful my dysphoria generally isn't so bad I want to fully transition tomorrow, or off myself. I am thankful I am able to present male, do a lot of the things I love, keep my personal life together, and for the first time ever in my life feel good about being me and living in my skin thanks to HRT and a LOT of personal growth I undertook while taking on the trans-beast.

My Gender Therapist and the T-Friendly generalist I was seeing before her, both asked me the same question, "What would be different if showed up at work presenting as Joanne?". OK, aside from the shockwaves, the point was what would be different about ME. Mostly nothing. Sure, I'd feel more genuine knowing and seeing myself being out in the real world as the real me. But I don't see how I feel about myself today will change much, if at all.

Hi canuslupus, welcome to Susan's.

Your story is the closest I've seen to mine on these forums. I wouldn't worry about where you are exactly on the spectrum, just where you want to fit in and how to get there.

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"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." -- Alan Watts

Just be you, go with the flow and take it a day at a time. Over-thinking it will only serve to drive you crazy. =)

I believe that the reason you are questioning yourself is because of your parents. Everything they say or do sticks with you for life. My parents were always very discouraging of situations like me moving out, me going to school, me buying a car. I understand they did this because they worried and when I did all of these things without letting it bother me I ended up failing. I failed at moving out so now I live back in my parents basement, the car was fine but my dad had to help me out, I never finished art school because I gave up. Lol see how negative I am?? That's from my parents discouragement.

I never had any problem when I came out to them as transgender. They supported me but they were concerned about me transitioning so fast. I did transition pretty fast and I started T about three or four months after I came out to them. They had to deal with it and so they did. My advice to you is to do what you feel is best for you. You can't let other people drag you down. This is your life and you need to live for you. There are always going to be people that disagree with you but it's all about following your own drum. Negativity is a part of learning and with their negativity it will only make you a stronger trans person. With your experience you will be able to even give advice to our younger generation so they can have the confidence to be who they are so they don't choose to just go and end their lives.

I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck with your family and your journey

Hi canuslupus, welcome to Susan's. A gender therapist can help you sort this out. As others have already have said, I wouldn't worry too much about where you are along the continuum at this point. You may in time feel your in one spot, but discover along the way that your in a slightly different spot. Just because you don't fall in any particular spot doesn't make you any less trans than the rest of us. Our transitions are really journey's of discovering who we really are and allowing that person to be free of the chains that have bound us up to that point in our lives. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah