Feeling like I need to get this out and hopefully some advice.

For the past week now my dyshoria is really fighting me and winning. I'm completely out at work right now which has made me happy. But I'm feeling like everyone is seeing me as a dude even if I know they aren't. And I'm pretty much worried about my appearance all day long. This is stuff I just have to tell myself its no big deal but its still bothering me. Especially when a few people aren't even making an effort to refer to me correctly. But I know I can pass since an older man said I was a raving beauty yesterday. And I've been gendered correctly 99% of the time by customers. 

What is really getting to me however is every night for a week now I get really sad. And start running things through my head that this isn't right for me I'll never pass etc. And even think about just giving it all up and switching back to the old me, which I don't want to do. I'm usually better the next morning but fighting these emotions at night when I'm alone is wearing me down. I brought it up with my therapist last week and honestly he didn't seem to care much and just said its part of transitioning. I even asked for advice on how to deal with it a few minutes later and got told it will go away.

But now its getting to the point where even watching a female on TV or even looking one in a magazine or in person is making me sad. Since I start thinking I'm never going to be able to look like that or be anywhere like her. Again I'm able to realize that there are parts of me I'll never be able to change and have to accept it. But these stupid feelings are still coming over me to the point where I don't even care to look at anything female orientated right now.     

And now today granted being sick might have something to do with it. I'm really down today and don't even care to look at myself in the mirror since I think I'm ugly even if I tell myself I'm not. But I feel silly even trying to look female right now. Also I really wish I could get on HRT soon but its making me sad having to wait till November and then worrying that I can't get on it or something. Which I know is silly and I should be grateful since other people have to wait much longer. But I feel like parts of my body and emotions are fighting each other and its driving me crazy. I know E is not going to be the magic pill but knowing it can fix a little makes me wish I had it right now. And to top it off I haven't really had a lot of genital dyshoria but today its getting to me also. And right now all I want to do is cut the parts off but thankfully I won't act on it. 

Thanks for reading and hope its not to rambling.

Hugs, Raven.

I don't know if you're asking for advice. If not, you can ignore what I have to say.

First, I'm uncomfortable that your therapist didn't seem to pick up on your issues. I wonder if he is the best therapist for you.

Second, it is so easy to get caught up in trying to predict the outcome of your transition. You find yourself considering worst case scenarios and comparing yourself to everyone. It helped me to pray to be able to accept myself as I am and to accept the results of my transition. I'm not much into god, so I prayed to my inner strength. Worked just as well.

Finally, you might consider getting screened for depression. Depression can make you feel like everything is hopeless, but it also can be treated.

I hope this helps.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 02, 2015, 09:10:30 PM
Hugs, Raven.

I don't know if you're asking for advice. If not, you can ignore what I have to say.

First, I'm uncomfortable that your therapist didn't seem to pick up on your issues. I wonder if he is the best therapist for you.

Second, it is so easy to get caught up in trying to predict the outcome of your transition. You find yourself considering worst case scenarios and comparing yourself to everyone. It helped me to pray to be able to accept myself as I am and to accept the results of my transition. I'm not much into god, so I prayed to my inner strength. Worked just as well.

Finally, you might consider getting screened for depression. Depression can make you feel like everything is hopeless, but it also can be treated.

I hope this helps.

Hugs thanks Suzi

The therapist is starting to bother me now and I'm wondering if he is right for me. I mean he seems alright but it really hurt me last week when I wanted to talk to him about my feelings and pretty much got brushed off. And he was more interested in hearing about my experience at my work. I mean the guy doesn't even take notes! So I end up having to repeat stuff a week later that he should've already known. I'm calling off my appointment this week and might just do a couple more sessions and get my DMV slip signed so I can change my gender on my license and call it a day with him. At this point I can't really see making much more progress since he keeps telling me I'm fine.

As for getting caught up in transition. I'm really trying not do and do my best to take one step at a time and accept its a slow process. I'm just hating when my mind decides to run in the other direction. Usually I can take care of that by talking to friends or even just going out in public. But for whatever reason all my friends are busy today and I don't feel well so I didn't care to go out.

As for depression yeah, that is the thing I'm getting worried about now. My mothers side of the family has it really bad so its something that has concerned me lately. I've already figured out that I am dealing with a case of it. I mean I take online tests with a grain of salt and 9 out of 10 times I get at least a mild case. I'm already planning on setting up an appointment for it just need to wait a few weeks for some extra money.

Thanks again Suzi!

I was going to respond last night but by the time I found this post I was ready to crash and couldn't string enough words together to make sense.

As far as you doctor, your doctor needs to know what is going on in you life in order to determine if you are adjusting to life well and to understand if outside pressure is to cause of any emotional issues you may be having. BUT you need to reach an agreement with the doctor that once his interest is satisfied, you will move on to deal with your issues/depression. If need at the start of the session, come to an agreement where you spend say 30 minutes talking about your life up to that point and then you spend the next 30 minutes covering issues you want covered. If the therapist is unwilling to do that, then you should consider another therapist.

Sometimes depression can run in the family and nothing prevents you from having inherited depression and transsexualism at the same time. That is the reason why the mental screening before surgery is so ridged. They want to make sure the only outstanding issue at the time of surgery is transsexualism. Depression won't prevent you surgery, but it needs to be properly controlled at the time of surgery. You are wisely dealing with it now so it's not going to be a last minute thing that interferes with your surgical plans.

Now lets take a look at the other side of your life. In around two months you have gone from somebody cross dressing in the bathroom, to telling you mother, to refining your image and voice, to passing in public to being outed at work to getting huge promotion and going full time at work. You are being accepted as female by people who don't know you and by most who do know you.

Most of us would be happy after a year of work it we could just pass part of the time. The real problem is things happened so fast, you mind hasn't adjusted to the reality of what is happening in the world around you. Estrogen and blockers really act pretty slow on the body. Consider the fact that a woman sometimes needs to reach here 20's until she is in full bloom. Yes I do remember that cheer leader in high school but she tended to be the exception and not the rule. For me, after surgery I was still a AA cup bra and that was after about  5 or 6 years of hormones. Hormones may relive some of the pressure on you mind but they aren't going to transform you body overnight.

You have accomplished much in a very short time and when you feel depressed, you need to remember the good things that have happened so far and understand that the poor body image you have of your self is not how other people see you. Most of us have a hard time at first being passable so we need to draw from our inter strength and conviction that we are women even when the outside world is telling us we aren't. In you case, the outside world is telling you that you are a woman but you inter self is resisting this notion. You need to back in touch with that part of you that said you are a woman. You may not be the cute little sexy number of your imagination but other people are telling you every day that you are a woman and some are even telling you that you are attractive. Remember these people when you are depressed and it will help.

Dena, Going to try to make this reply as understandable as I can. Still fighting a nasty cold and had to save a sinking ship today on top of it.

As for the therapist I've decided that I will go see him this week and do as you suggest. And like you said I'll find another one if he is not willing. But I do hope he will come around as he is awfully nice and I do enjoy talking to him.

As for the depression I'm not going to be scared of it and face it head on.I have no interest in letting it get the better of me as I've seen what its done to my mother,aunt and grandparents.  I can knock it out way before surgery since I know its going to be in my mid thirties before I could get it.

I yes I do agree the my mind is having a hard time catching up with everything at the moment. Along with the entire transition I have other issues that I'm having to deal with as well. And kind of realize that I'm not giving myself enough time to sit back and look at the big picture. I had some major problems thrown my way today but I managed to fix them at least I hope.

As for me looking at my body image started getting the thoughts again today. But got rid of them, even if I wasn't feeling great I did go out shopping and didn't get one weird look. Ten minutes before that I looked at myself in my cars mirror and thought I looked horrible. Fifteen minutes later I looked in another mirror in a store and thought I looked wonderful. So I need to stop being so hard on myself and accept how I look right now and be happy. Really I'm my own worst enemy in terms of appearance and need to fix that.

And for telling myself that I am a woman. Well I did that subconsciously today when I was dealing with a bunch of stuff. I just told myself "You can do it you a strong woman." So while today did have its challenges for me I didn't let them get the better of me and think I might have just made myself a little stronger

Also another thing that helped I found a hair removal place not that fair from me that's trans friendly and prices are reasonable. So this week I'll set up my first appointment and start killing this stupid hair on my face.

Again Dena you've helped me out so much!

When your therapist said, its part of transitioning, and it would go away eventually is more then likely true.

Im pretty sure you are now out at work and presenting correct?

Do you not think that what you are exsperiencing is simply the next step? eg you have gone from worring about comming out, to a focus on your presentation since you now present at work?

after a while you will adjust to life presenting, you might still worry but.... less often with a less stressfulll affect.

so, an increase in scocial dysphoria due to now presenting, (a part of transintioning) and growing used to life presenting (it will go in time)

Take a big hug from me. and chin up girl (your e step closer)

Yup I'm completely out at work and presenting as of nine days ago. I was really shy for the first few days but now I'm pretty confident. You do have a point that I might be focusing on my appearance a lot more now. Where before it was just a couple days out of the week. Now I have the entire week to focus on. Plus I'm having to get used to my entire routine completely changing both with a new job and transition. Its weird at work I don't even worry about it much mostly since I'm so busy. And in my down time I really nitpick every little thing that's wrong.

Since I have Wednesday off and therapy Thrusday I'll take the opportunity to write my thoughts out. And hopefully my therapist will go over them with me.