Hey

Been lurking a bit on here the past week or two, and figured it was about time to register and introduce myself. So, err, hi. I'm male, I'm 31 years old and I think I have gender dysphoria.

I've only realised that I might have gender dysphoria in the past couple of weeks, but looking back it's something that's been inside me for a long time. The feeling has been steadily growing in intensity within me since the start of the year, but I've been resisting it without even realising. I've never felt comfortable in my own body; I've never felt like this useless shell of meat and bones has been 'me', like I've been trapped inside it. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is a complete stranger. I've never liked my genitalia, and try to avoid looking at or acknowledging it as much as possible.

Looking back, it's so obvious that I feel stupid for not realising sooner. All the times I've admired women's clothing, all the times I've been jealous of people who get to wear dresses and skirts and women's boots, all the times I've wondered what it would be like to be female but somehow convinced myself it was just a passing fancy. I'm an absolute master at repression, and bottle things up inside myself without even knowing until they all spill out. The amount of times in the past six months I've thought I'd prefer to be female but told myself I definitely don't have gender dysphoria is stupid.

I've told my best friend about these feelings, and he's been just amazing and supportive. I went to the GP last week, and I'm currently waiting on a place to get back to me. I don't want to wait though. I want to wear skirts at work and have it be completely normal. I want to dress up and feel pretty. I want to cast off this useless shackle of a frame and feel like I belong for the first time in my life.

This is both petrifying and exciting at the same time. I'm terrified of what's coming ahead; of having to go through therapy and treatment, of what people will think (I honestly don't know how my family will take it), of being told I'm imagining it all. But at the same time I think about being female and it feels right. It feels like me. The thought has given me hope for the first time in forever.

So, yeah. Rambled a bit there . Hi. Hopefully I won't get scared and run away and stick around a while.

Welcome to Susan's Place.  Yes, it sound like you have it but in the end, you are the only one who can say for sure. Most of us figure it out by the time with hit Puberty but there are some up here transition at ages 50-60.
You are very new to this so there is something you can do to kill time and get a better feel for what you are. On youtube there is a set of videos called "the transition channel". They may help you answer the questions about how you feel and what you have. In addition, the way it works is anyone who post on this thread will be notified of any post to this thread so feel free to post any questions you have on this thread and we will read your questions and respond to them. You may also join any other conversation that interest you. You may have a long and interesting journey ahead of you but you have us to guide and help you whenever possible. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

Thank you Dena. Those videos were a great help. I can get really paranoid about claiming any kind of label or anything for myself without considering the ins and outs to death first; like I'm doing the people who actually fit in with it disservice. The reassurance from watching those videos and seeing how I identified with what was said in them is a great help . Man, it would be so much easier if there was a simple check list to determine this kind of thing instead of having to ask scary questions of yourself .

There isn't anything about this that's easy until you are finished and look back wondering what all the fuss was about. The problem with this is no two stories are the same. I have yet to have anybody tell my exact story but yet I see myself in almost every story told here. There are a few that don't meet that test and then I am very careful about the way I ask questions and most of the time I find something else. They may still belong here but they are something different that needs to explore another path.

I am glad the videos were helpful. I saw them mentioned in another post so I went over to review them and found them up to the standards of my therapy. Sometimes I think I post them to often but when they are needed, they sure do the job. Unfortunately those videos have been responsible for stopping two marriages that I know of to date.

Self examination is very important when you are treated for this condition. If you don't it's far to easy to make a mistake and some people have. I had doubts up to the moment the lights went out with my reassignment surgery and as the results, I have never had them in the 33 years after it.

Hi Took, Welcome to Susan's. Nothing to be sorry about. All that matters is that you know now and taking the steps that you need to deal with it. It's wonderful that your best friend has been supportive. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

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Hi Took 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

A big warm welcome to Susan's Took

You are certainly not alone in working out that gender Dysphoria is the cause to much of the problems with how you perceive yourself from the assigned gender that you were born with... I was 4 when I first realised I wanted to be a girl, and became very "dysphoric" about it for many years from around 5, but I had not heard of gender Dysphoria till a number of years ago... now that was a revelation!

As far as getting jealous with women's clothing, choice, color's and form... yeah me too.... and anyway men's clothing seemed so drab and boring to me... however I did used to buy women's clothing and cross dress in private which, helped calm me, but also made me more adamant that I would become a woman! Its really a given, now I understand that!

Its good that you have some close friends that are supportive, and that you have taken some solid first steps. I wish you well on your journey and look forward to seeing you about the forum's.

L Katy 

Thanks for the welcomes . Still a bit nervous about all of this, but this certainly seems to a nice, friendly community.

I know exactly what you mean about men's clothing katrinaw! I look at the men in the office and it's just shirt and trousers, shirt and trousers, shirt and trousers... whilst women get to wear all kinds of awesome things. One of the girls in my office has this lovely red dress which I just adore, and I'd love to be able to wear something like that. Hah, it's still weird to actually admit to this stuff .