I'm genetically female but i'm basically a trans man. I'm in the process of prying open the closet door, which for me will be a very long process I think, due to family concerns.

Things feel very hard sometimes and I get very down. I've been trying out things to let out my male side (clothing, toiletries etc) and they do help, but I feel so guilty. Like I shouldn't be doing this and I should be trying harder to "get" womanhood. 

Yesterday I had some idiots yelling homophobic abuse at me (they perceived me as a butch lesbian, as I think most people do) and it shook me a bit. I then had lots of people agreeing on Facebook that I should ignore them and that I was a real woman. (That particular comment was a bit jarring but I know they were all trying to be sympathetic!) I definitely feel less confident now though, and am blaming myself for dressing like this.

If only I could be "normal" everything would be ok. Nobody would harass me, I wouldn't be at risk of losing my wife and kids, and I'd be happy. I found myself looking at a row of women's fashion and lifestyle magazines earlier, wondering if I should buy one and really study it, as though if I learned enough it would make me a woman.

I can't see a way to put this genie back in the bottle, but I also can't see a way forward that's not going to wreck people's lives.

I don't think there's a solution, this is just a rant. I'm sorry for the "woe is me" post. I'm sure I'll be ok, but the isolation is horrible, and this is so hard.

Hi Sam. I read your post and see that you really want to be authentic. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed of who you know you are and how you actually feel. Once the genie's out of the bottle you can't put it back in. I pray that you will be able to move forward. I know how difficult it can be with family considerations. I hope you can work through those. Best to you and keep us posted on your progress.

Why would being male wreck people's lives?

Your maleness does harm to NO ONE unless they decide they can't live with it. Then, they're wrecking their own lives, right?

I understand, Sam. Risking family is hard. Some days you don't quite feel your true gender. Some days it just seems too difficult to be you. I have it on good authority from some cis friends that they feel much of this too.

I'm a trans-woman and just a little ahead of you on my path, but I still get all of this. It gets better and these feelings come less often. I can hope that, eventually, they go away completely. We're all here to help you through this. I can strongly recommend the "what made me happy/sad today" threads. They've done me more good than almost anything else here. Read others triumphs and tragedies and post your own. It helps even when no one responds.

Answer others questions and give your opinions. At first it will seem like you're all "take, take, take". Eventually you'll find you have wisdom to share.

Lastly, even when no one you know understands and it seems no one is watching your back, remember that we understand and we're behind you.

We're just like you and we support our own.

This post makes me cry 

I am in the, almost, same position here. Symmetric side of the gender spectrum, I have been assigned Male at birth. I don't want to blame my anatomy for the prejudice. Women Come in many shapes, colors and minds.

I feel deep inside that I am a girl. As a true fact. Such as my air color. (And you must know that even true facts, as my air color, can be changed thanks to time, natural diet or willingly-performed adjustments.)
However, I don't feel SO bad in my boy-normative looking shape. I wear long hair, I shave every morning and I pad my jeans, that makes me feel girly enough for the day. My job is a friendly environment and I have an understanding family. I should mention that my girlfriend is totally accepting my condition as it is. But what is an other true fact is she being totally attracted to manly-shaped bodies. And, I totally understand as I am mostly attracted by estrogenly-shaped bodies.

So pretty comfortable situation. But. I still feel the need to change more.
Changing more ?
I blame myself for being bounded to stupid norms. I should accept and claim myself as a girl AS I AM, this is the true gender fight!
I blame myself for not being brave. If I want it so bad, I should move on.
I pressure myself to be brave and decide.
I am afraid to lose some friends in the process of digging myself out. I am afraid not being attractive to my girlfriend anymore. I am afraid of my transition being the only social-defining part of my story.

Who should I decide to be ? For the greater good or for mine ?
Which enemy should I fight ? Being a girl in a male body or being a girl in an home-made-and-nonfunctional female body ?
I am afraid to find the answer. I pressure myself to find it. I blame myself for not finding it already.

Hard times.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 04, 2015, 10:55:37 AM
Why would being male wreck people's lives?

Your maleness does harm to NO ONE unless they decide they can't live with it. Then, they're wrecking their own lives, right?

I'm the mother of two young children. I'm so scared of losing them. I'm scared of what will happen if I come out and categorically state to my partner that I'm trans and want to transition.
I've been skirting the issue and doing my best to cope alone, but it's not much fun.

Thanks for the kind replies, they do help.
I'm feeling a bit down about the seeming impossibility of the situation and I'm struggling to find a clear way through.

Quote from: loes on August 04, 2015, 12:05:25 PM
This post makes me cry 

I am in the, almost, same position here. Symmetric side of the gender spectrum, I have been assigned Male at birth. I don't want to blame my anatomy for the prejudice.

Sorry to hear that. If only we could swap bodies, eh?

Quote from: samtheant on August 04, 2015, 01:28:12 PM
If only we could swap bodies, eh?

Oooh, the number of times I've heard that here!

No need to be sorry. We feel excluded to many times. It's nice to know that others are at the same page.

And about the body swap offer, I am afraid but I have to think about it. My lake of proper female genitalia is not my entire-self.
More over, body swap still involve loss of good general health condition (don't take it personally, it's a general statement). And while I go step by step in my transition my girlfriend is accepting it, a swap could be too rude. And also I carry some ugly facial line you don't want to get and that remind me my family ^^

Transitioning is a very critical art of changing yourself while remaining yourself. It's hard to keep the proper rhythm.

Good luck.
After the depression come cookies. (the pilot on a flight tells this once. should be true.)

Quote from: samtheant on August 04, 2015, 01:20:22 PM
I'm the mother of two young children. I'm so scared of losing them. I'm scared of what will happen if I come out and categorically state to my partner that I'm trans and want to transition.

Ah. I understand better.

It's a very real fear, and I can't tell you bad things won't happen.

But it's not a foregone conclusions that lives will be ruined, right? There are a lot of ways you could make things turn out okay. It's certainly not going to harm your kids. Lots of kids have trans parents and do just great. And your partner, well that's dicey, but I'm still good friends with my ex and we still work together to parent our kids, so it doesn't have to be a disaster.

Quote from: samtheant on August 04, 2015, 01:20:22 PM
I'm the mother of two young children. I'm so scared of losing them. I'm scared of what will happen if I come out and categorically state to my partner that I'm trans and want to transition.
I've been skirting the issue and doing my best to cope alone, but it's not much fun.

I am on the other side of the spectrum from you and just beginning some real practical steps towards starting a transition to happiness. I have been married for a long long time and told my wife before we were married that I was a crossdresser. However over the years I have realised that for me while being attired correctly feels great it is deeper issue than that. So I had to talk to her all over again to try and prepare her for where my journey may go. I took a huge risk because I felt without the honesty then I could not progress. If you do not say anything to your partner then you will have to live every day with this on your own. What about 10 years from now and still dealing with these issues, Do you think you will make a good parent with all this happening to you internally...and please don't think I am casting any doubts upon your abilities. What I mean is, without your head full of the issues you have, then it way well leave more room you can devote to your kids

Coming out is risky...but what is the alternative and I mean for you. If you can try and deal with your partner sooner rather than later it may help especially if your partner is supportive. One thing I found that helped was to get on the forums and read things from the other spouses view. It may help you to work out how to come out. It will give you an idea of the sort of emotions your partner is likely to have.

I hope some of that helps and I wish you well whatever you decide.

Sarah T 

Thanks for the replies - it's good to hear that people can still manage to be parents and transition.
An added complication is that my eldest is autistic and really doesn't handle change very well - she's still complaining about my short hair, which I got in April! It's going to really confuse and upset her.  I'm the main carer for the kids, their stay at home parent whilst my partner works. If I lose my partner I also risk losing the kids,and will definitely lose all financial security and my home. There's even a risk I'll end up on the streets, as I've no family to temporarily let me stay with them whilst I get things sorted.

So the stakes are really high. My initial thoughts are that I can't possibly risk all that. But then I'll be a fake. and I don't see myself doing that for much longer without completely cracking up.

But as for the question about where I see myself in ten years, well that made me cry. I don't see myself surviving this situation for another ten years. But I don't know what else to do. I'm considering giving this womanhood thing one last shot, really trying at it. But the idea seems absurd even as I write it!

Maybe I need to get a part time job before I do anything else? Get myself a bit of financial independence for if the worst happens? I'm just thinking aloud, but maybe practical steps might be a good first move.

Thanks so much for talking to me folks, this is just about the hardest thing I've ever had to figure out. Your input's really helping.

Quote from: samtheant on August 04, 2015, 04:36:07 PM


But as for the question about where I see myself in ten years, well that made me cry. I don't see myself surviving this situation for another ten years. But I don't know what else to do. I'm considering giving this womanhood thing one last shot, really trying at it. But the idea seems absurd even as I write it!

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Your anguish sounds very real to me and I can relate, I am sorry I have added to it that was not my intention. I have to admit my Kids were part of the reason I have delayed dealing with my Trans issues...It a tough call and I wish you luck.

Sarah T

Quote from: sarahtokes on August 04, 2015, 04:51:26 PM
I am so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Your anguish sounds very real to me and I can relate, I am sorry I have added to it that was not my intention. I have to admit my Kids were part of the reason I have delayed dealing with my Trans issues...It a tough call and I wish you luck.

Sarah T

I thought your post was very kind, thoughtful and lovely. Honestly, you've not upset me. The situation's upsetting me, but you definitely aren't. It's so nice to have people to talk to about this stuff.

Wow, how weird... it's like I've just read a time-travelling post that I could've written 10 years ago.

I've had a look at some of your earlier posts and I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Like not fitting in with girls; being a 'tomboy'; feeling like everyone else had been given a user manual on how to be a girl or a woman & I must've missed mine; feeling betrayed at puberty; thinking if I could just figure out that one elusive thing I'm missing, I can finally be happy with being a woman. Apart from your attraction to women, I could probably have written every word you've said.

I'm not sure how old you are but I'm willing to share that I'm in my mid-40s. I'm also a mother of two teenage children, one of whom is on the autism spectrum. I'm also based in the UK.

Are you sure you're not me?

All I can tell you, after having struggled for decades to try to figure out whatever it was that every single woman around me seemed to 'get' that I didn't... is that it doesn't go away on its own. It gets worse as time goes on, until you pluck up the courage to do something about it. It sounds like you've reached that point now, and I can tell you from personal experience that transitioning is the only thing that has quietened my mind. I now pass 100% as male in my day-to-day life and I've never been happier in my own skin, nor more at peace with myself. It's cost me a great deal in terms of my family, but to be honest it's been worth it. If someone is willing to reject you because you need to be happy within your own skin, they don't really love you do they?

The way you describe your life so far suggests to me that you have had a consistent and persistent male gender identity from an early age, which is exactly what a GIC is looking for when they diagnose Gender Dysphoria. You've mentioned that you're going to your GP to get a referral to a GIC; that's an excellent first step, and one I highly recommend. I'm not sure which part of the UK you're from, but Scotland and Northern Ireland each have only one GIC; Wales has none; and England has 7 which have a wide range of waiting list times (Daventry & The Laurels in Exeter are the shortest; Charing Cross and Leeds are the longest).

Your changes on T will be slow & gradual, hopefully giving your daughter time to get used to them. I didn't start looking remotely male until I'd been on T for 8 months. It's just tiny incremental changes that creep forward so slowly that they're barely noticeable on a day-to-day basis; eventually they all add up to a huge change but it's months (or years) in the making.

You're fortunate that your partner is bisexual; in this case, there's a chance that she may want to continue with your marriage whilst you transition. I'd recommend sorting out what you want to do, and then have a chat to her to discuss your future. Personally, I waited until after my first GIC appointment before telling my husband. I needed their support and guidance because I knew it wasn't going to go well (he's homophobic). Only you can judge your own relationship, but I can tell you this: transition is a marathon, not a sprint... especially on the NHS. You have a wait of at least several months before you can go to a GIC, so use that time to solidify your plans. Yes, get a part-time job if you can. But also look into alternative housing options (there are some housing associations and charities - including Stonewall - that can help with accommodation if things turn sour).

Also, if you suspect your partner might kick you out and take the kids from you when you come out, I strongly urge you to pre-empt that. End your relationship before coming out, and take the kids with you. It's hard to do, but it's the best way forward if you're at significant risk of losing your kids. But as I say, you have several months ahead of you before you can begin medical transition, so use it to your advantage in whatever way is necessary.

A very wise person once said to me: Don't live your life for other people, because you'll still be living it when they're gone.

I wish you well. Feel free to respond here or to PM me if you want to chat (you can do this once you've posted 15 times).

I stumbled upon this article a couple of months ago, and I wanted to share it with you because it sounds really similar in many ways to the things that you're saying about yourself.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/things-dont-tell-you-being-transgender/