Hello, I am new here and I want to apologize for what I imagine must be an extremely common and cliche beginning.

I am a 19-year old transwoman living in New England. As of right now, there is not a
single person who knows. I have had, I must confess, a very strange time of things in my male body. I have always been a bookish cerebral type and so I have been able to fight the omnipresent feeling of dysphoria by escaping into my mind where I can be and do whatever I'd like. But, as I would guess the case is for many, it becomes painful when I am forced to interact with others and forced to put on a show of masculinity for them. Because of this, I have grown more and more anti-social.

When I was younger, I would sometimes doubt whether I truly was grand because a lot of the time I could deal and tolerate with my physical form well enough and I didn't feel like I felt as much pain as others had and didn't really deserve to call myself trans. But the time would always come around when I experience the pain so deeply and my greatest wish was that I had born in a female body.

However the problem is that I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I don't feel like I have the courage. I am lucky enough to be blessed with an entirely loving family and friends who, after some shock, would certainly accept me. Forgive me then, if my problems then seem minor, I'm sure many of the people here come from far less accepting and still had the courage to come out, for which they have my utmost admiration. However I don't know how to, I can't imagine revealing the secret I have kept as far as I can remember (15 years).  I was hoping I could receive guidance from people with better understanding.

Again, I want to apologize if this is unoriginal or self-pitying. I am in confusion and was hoping the good people here could give me some clarity.

Just try to relax...

your nick is adorable by the way...

Here are some resources... just take some time...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,192499.msg1716659.html#msg1716659
One is a quite emotional description of an accepting dad... don't know if its too emotional... you might possibly use parts of it...
just take your time...
this is another resource:
hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Some_Considerations_in_Coming_Out_Trans_to_Your_Parents_and_Family.pdf
I personally also like the twin explanation... people will be basically like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour etc...


You might think about a good gender therapist... a supportive person to help you along...
if they are not supportive look for another...
if its connected with emotional issues or depression it might be covered...

its a step by step process, but many have done it before and succeeded... just take the time you need but keep at it...


hugs

Thank you for the warm reply as well as for the resources you have provided me.

The problem with doing it in smaller steps for me is that anything I do differently will be instantly noticed and questioned. My current habits and trends are quite well known.

How can I contact a gender therapist without others noticing?

Again, thank you for your kindness and the depth of your reply.

Venusian
As Laura said try to relax.  This is the first step of your journey.

You are 19 and should not wait to get help. I am 53 and knew I was transgender since I was about 4 years old and just started facing it about 8 years ago. You should not go through life with this pain.

I did things through my life that distracted me from facing the issues.
Joined the Air Force
Went back to college
Got married
Went to night school for ten years
Built an addition on my house
Started karate. Still learning after 16 years

Finally it all caught up to my with very bad depression and I am finally facing this with my family.

You do not have to do the same and enjoy your life. 
Start slow and see a therapist. They can help. I live in Connecticut and there are many therapists that can help.

I do not know which state you live in but I am sure you can find one.   Tell your parents you need to speak with a therapist about your depression as a start. I am sure if you have loving parents they will help. The a therapist can help guide you.

I hope this helps
Hugs
Melanie



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Quote from: Venusian on August 04, 2015, 05:59:45 PM
Thank you for the warm reply as well as for the resources you have provided me.

The problem with doing it in smaller steps for me is that anything I do differently will be instantly noticed and questioned. My current habits and trends are quite well known.

How can I contact a gender therapist without others noticing?

Again, thank you for your kindness and the depth of your reply.

You're welcome 

You might say at home you want counseling, for emotional purposes, and pick someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list.
If you would give the state you live in there might be further resources...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=162888.5
You might ask them:
-how they see their role
-how long it usually takes until a letter for hrt
-how much experience they have with transgender people
There are often reviews online, you might look there.

Another possibility would be to ask at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or a transgender group for a referral...

and there are even online therapists... some local therapists also might do skype sessions...


hugs

You could always start dressing more androgynous maybe, girl jeans, t-shirts, longer hair, etc...

For almost all of us, coming out was one of the hardest things we did in our life. The problem is what you have isn't going to get any better and will most likely get worst as time goes on. Much of you male development has taken place but it is likely there is still more to come. You can be like me and wait for the pressure to build to the point were it can no longer be contained or you can scrape up every bit of courage you have and come out. It isn't an easy decision and I admit that I wimped out. Times are better now as treatment is available almost everywhere and transsexualism is far better understood than in my time. We will help you prepare to face others but in the end it will be your decision. Knowing what I know now, I hope you make the decision to come out now and work toward ending the pain you feel.

Dear Venusian,

My heart aches for you, as I know very well how you feel. First of all, you have nothing to apologize for.  Your story may have something in common with many of us here, but yours is unique, because you are unique.

I will speak for myself, but please take some comfort in the fact that many of us on this forum have felt like you feel.  I grew up as a very bookish "smart kid", National Honor Society and AP classes and all that stuff, but felt very limited socially.  I liked girls, and I tried to be one of the guys, but I was terrified of my own thoughts - I wanted to *be* a girl, not just date one. 

Now I am much older than you, and I went to high school in the 1970s.  There was no internet, or any other place to talk about it, and really no such thing as "transgendered".  There were those few sensationalized transsexuals like Christine Jorgensen, or Renee Richards, but they were regarded as freaks, not just as people with different expressions of gender and sexuality. 

So I was scared to death to admit to anyone how I felt, and every single night I would go to bed and dream about being a girl.  It was almost unbearable.  But I did bear it, because I felt I had no choice.  I grew up, went to college, started a career, eventually I got married and had children.  Because that was what men did.  And all the time I wanted nothing more than to be female.  The secret cross-dressing.  The unrelenting shame I felt.  I thought I could "will it away".  Sometimes I could suppress my desires for months, even years.  But it always came back, stronger than ever.

You can take this path, or you can help yourself now.  You are legally an adult. You don't need anyone's permission to see a therapist (although paying for it may be an issue, unless there is free counseling from a LGBT center or something similar).  My suggesting would be to tell your parents that you feel unhappy with yourself, in some non-specific way, and ask if they would let you see a therapist.  There are are gender therapists that also deal with many other family and developmental issues, so you don't have to say "I want to see a gender therapist." Just pick one who does both.

The one thing I would ask of you is to be kind to yourself.  You are not a freak, or a pervert.  There is nothing "wrong" with you.  You are different, and your path may be difficult, but you are every bit as deserving of love and happiness as  any cis-gendered person.

Wishing you all the best,

Terri

Hi Venusian, welcome to Susan's.

You can see a therapist without giving any reason at all or just say work stress or depression, whatever you like. Underclothes are not usually noticed by people around you but can be a great comfort to start with.

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+1 on what Melanie and MaybeBaby said.  I am 52 and the life arc has been pretty similar for me.  I knew what I was when I was 5, spent my preadolescence and teens secretly crossdressing and really did not know what transgender was at the time.  I became a skinny, geeky teenager, disappeared into a world of science fiction books, and cried when I read about a guy telepathically inhabiting a woman's body in "The War Against the Chtorr" which was by David Gerrold, I think.

I researched transitioning in college in the early 1980's, and went into denial.  Convinced myself that wasn't me.

I researched it again after finishing law school around 1990, and again after going through a divorce in 1999.  I tried joining the Air Force, bicycle racing, fast cars, a trophy wife after law school, Christianity, alcohol, meditation, T'ai Chi, and golf, and eventually ended up suffering daily panic and anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, and had prescriptions for beta blockers and anti anxiety medication.

I fixed it all by finally admitting to myself what I was, and dealing with it.  Allowing myself to crossdress openly in front of those few people I am out to brought my blood pressure down, stopped the panic attacks dead in their tracks, and allowed me to throw away most of the meds.

Like the others said, be good to yourself.  Be yourself.  And keep us posted about what happens in your life. 

Big warm welcome to Susan's Venusian

Lovely to see you here xx

I have had the telling people issues about me all my life... I only came out to a Dr 12 years ago starting HRT and my journey, now about to either get support from the family or break them... and am scared as... well guess the next bit! But you get to a point that you are just bursting to get it out, 5 other people outside of my family know... but the secrets etc are horrible to manage and have been all my life! oh I am 62 now... started at 4! Still amazed at how I kept it all together.

So please don't ever be hard on yourself, its not easy, its something that you accept and then prepare for whatever may come in the future. I do hope that your family will all support you, try and build a network of friends too... but either way be strong and positive, as my last few years of my journey have pushed me too. Our /my friends here are the best for advice and support that you could ever find anywhere and love them all to bits.

Best wishes for your ensuing journey and look forward to seeing you about the forum's...

L Katy