Sweetie (I think I need to call her something else, her name is Randi) has a horrible habit of saying the most hurtful possible thing in an argument. I never know if she means it or just wants to wound.

This morning she was berating me about money. I asked her if cancelling the cruise would get our money back. She said it didn't matter, she was going. She needs a vacation and if she doesn't get it she'll kill someone, most likely me. It didn't sound like joking or hyperbole. Then, after rattling off a bunch off things bothering her, many being perceived faults with me, she said "...and you THINKING you're transgender! And, yes, I know exactly how I said that!"

I thought that by now she was past that. It hurt! I told her were done.

Are we?

Should we be?

You can't answer that.

She accepts very little physical affection from me, but complains that she gets no sex. Are we nothing more than friends and roommates? Are we even that?

I have no one I can talk to right now except you, and that hurts most of all.

I hate to say it Hon, but it may be time to lawyer up.

Your recent posts about Randi and you do not seem positive. I wish they were.

It may be time to look for positives among the negatives.

You might try to talk about your feelings and what really moves you... both of you...
in a calm setting, not getting upset.

After all in a partnership both people are supposed to support each other.

You might ask why she said that... the part about thinking...
here is a brochure stating it has biological connections, so its how people really feel...
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

you might talk about feelings... maybe that she feels abandoned... and you might talk about what would help... what you could do, and what she could do...


if you feel this might be aided by a counselor this could be something for pair therapy...

in general you might not get upset but remain calm and ask why people say that... what their underlying feelings are...
if discussed in a calm manner it might help...

I agree with Cindy. I think it's time to protect yourself legally and financially.

I wouldn't read too much into one remark. The fact that she thinks she can accurately tell you're not trans speaks more to ignorance than anything else, but I think at this point, any expectation of support from her would be optimistic.

Hugs. This is hard.

Not wanting to poo-poo good advice but we have talked, calmly and rationally. She understands the truths about transpeople. She just refuses to accept that I'm one. She has the same problem with any relative regarding any LGBT stuff. Oh, and she fears and distrusts therapists. Money's tight and she'll use that to argue against it.

A lawyer may be the only way, but she does fear abandonment (so do I) and divorce feels like that to me. I have much thinking to do.

Quotewe have talked, calmly and rationally.

Well its not rationally... its emotionally.

There might be restraints on her side that haven't been talked about yet..
her feeling betrayed... or whatever...
well its not your fault... its nobodys fault... people are how they are...
if she could let go of any negative emotions, and possibly expectations, that could help...
so you could be free to see yourselves how you are...


hugs

please no harm meant, honestly, but you sound like the battered girl friend who after having bones broken and bruises covering their entire body says to the neighbor or the emergency room intern " he really doesn't mean to do that , but he's having a bad time and I know he still loves me , but its hard for him to show it.

Stephanie, I know I do. It's emotional, not physical, but I know I do.

It's one thing to "know" and a much different thing to accept. 

My girlfriend is a lawyer who works in the employment law field. She knows about the issues surrounding someone being transgender. She knows that it is something we have no real control over. She says she accepts me but there are still signs that she has not truely come to terms with me being transgender.  Little things here and there like comments such as "have another shot of estrogen" if I get upset and express my frustration about something. Her getting angry about my having a consultation with my doctor to see what the cost of some facial feminization surgery and a breast augmentation would cost because she thought she would have another year before I would have bigger boobs.

So even the most enlightened individuals can struggle with this. One thing I learned in doing a lot of research about relationships when I was going through my divorce 5 years ago is that when a woman makes her mind up that a relationship is over there is very little that can happen to renew that relationship. I wish i could give you some arm chair advice but it really sounds like you need to get counseling with your wife. Breaking up is incredibly hard. Even 5 years post divorce from my ex we do not talk at all. Which is crazy because we have 4 kids together but it is her choice not mine. So you never know what will happen. If there is any way to work through things together I think you will be much happier.   It may be that breaking up is the right thing to do, only time and real effort will tell.

Hi Dee,

I'm really sorry that you're having to be put through this, but I know where you are coming from. Some wives will not understand,. In addition, they feel betrayed, fear being abandoned, as you mentioned; will call you a liar, even though you've tried to be honest. The question is how long can you put up with it, assuming you still love her and financially, can you get away. It is a form of abuse, I know, I live with it too.

Does she work? Can you really afford to split? I'm just a few years older than you and have held off transition because my wife isn't working, she home schools our son. financially, two households would be impossible to support.

So what do you do in the mean time? Don't know if you have any children at home, but I try to avoid any alone time because that's when all the vitriol comes out. Try to keep someone else around. I've gotten to the point where if she starts on the phone, I politely say I don't need to take this abuse and hang up nicely. No, I haven't been kissed in over four years. Sex? That's solitary. Please feel free to vent here or PM me. Know that you are not alone and that WE here care about you as one of our sisters.

I know its hard. 

Big Hug,

Traci

The hardest thing to realize and accept is "when it's over."

Like you, I had all the signs right in front of me for several years (we were becoming emotionally separated at least 2-3 years before I realized I was trans), and although I had considered divorce ("is it over? Maybe if I try just a bit harder, or use a different approach, maybe...") I could not see that the marriage was, in fact, over.

I kept a journal (part of my therapy) and was in the habit of reading what I'd written after a couple months had passed, to gain the perspective of hindsight...

I read one particular entry and I realized that if a friend of mine had written what I had, I would be "advising a divorce as soon as possible...don't look back, cut your losses, get out of there!" That's when I realized I had to be my own best friend, because there simply was no one else who knew my situation as well as I did.

Physical separation is the first step. Get your own place, perhaps while she's on the cruise. Get a refund for your portion, if it doesn't cause too many waves (no pun intended), accept the loss if it would. The important thing is to get out of immediate living arrangements with your spouse.

Best of luck.