Hi, after lurking a while I'm introducing myself.
I'm Rochelle, have felt what I can only describe as a hunger type of feeling to be feminine as long as I can remember. Sometimes the feeling peaks, but most of the time it's bearable if I keep myself busy.
I have never admitted this to anyone in person, but wonder if anyone has ever suspected. Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a sign that says Hey! I'm really a girl in here pretending to be cool and tough.
I have done a few silly things because of this hunger. At about 5 or 6, don't remember exactly, I decided that I could inch by testicles out. Tried pushing them to the back but that didn't work so I figured they would have to take the long way out and would cough them out. I ended up in a lot of pain and gave myself a hernia. Painful operation.
Other than that my story is very similar to all the others I've read here. Married, kid, divorce, married, another kid, still wondering how long I can keep this up.
Trying to figure out how to be able to pay for a therapist and explain not being available for a lunch hour. Scared that if I admit it to a person I won't be able to hide the feelings anymore. I don't want to transition. If I could go back to high school, maybe; but now with family and career it would really be more than I am willing to handle.

Welcome to Susan's Place. None of the things you have mentioned so far would prevent you from transitioning. The biggest problem is the wife as only about 50% of the time couples stay together. I don't know how much longer you can keep it up either because we have people transitioning at age 50 and up here and I was ready to do it at age 13 but the medical community wasn't ready for me and I knew it. If you have been lurking long, you have seen that most of us have hit our breaking point and the ones who haven't aren't far off. The fact you reached out to Susan's indicates to me that you are starting to understand the time is near for you and you are hoping we can help you stay in the closet. With therapy you might be able to buy a bit more time but you aren't going to be comfortable doing it. This is something that builds inside us and the longer we live with it the weaker our defenses against it are. I wish you luck and if I can help you, let me know.

Yes, that is exactly it. I'm looking to stay in the closet. The closet is safe. What do you mean not by comfortable? not comfortable in therapy? or trying to squelch the urges?

These feeling don't go away and the longer you have them, the more uncomfortable the closet gets. I am free of those feeling now and the first time that happened was a few months before reassignment surgery. Not everyone here has or will have surgery but pretty much everybody has made adjustment to there lifestyle in order to become comfortable. Talking out your feeling with a therapist might buy you some time but you won't find happiness that way, just a bit less discomfort.

I know the fear of coming out and for me it kept every thing bottled up between ages 13 and 23 but I had no other option than to come out and deal with my fears of transitioning.

Hello and welcome to Susan's, Rochelle.

Hi Rochelle, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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A big warm welcome to Susan's Rochelle

I know about the bearable stuff by keeping busy, because of when I was born and the lack of knowledge, support and outright hatred, I conformed to the male model, threw myself at work, marriage and kids/grandkids etc... Was only 15 ~ 16 odd years ago I realised I was not unique and alone... wow! so planned away, few stumbles but about to move into what I should have been all my life, thus far.

Haa, I did the same as you once I realised around 5 (cousin and I shared a bath), tried pulling them off, even took kitchen scissors, knives everything to bed in the weird thought I could chop 'em off... but was too scared of dying... so hence work etc... But I never, ever stopped dreaming of; one day I would make it! the feelings came in waves, cross dressed/purged at infinatum... but never can quell it, so here we are!

For what its worth I have kept in hidden, or so I thought, we'll see very soon whether the "model male" was always a charade... people see more in us than we care to share often... hence why I was always picked on at school and other circles, also hated male talk, but enjoyed talking and joining in with Women far more.

For what's it worth, yes once you open up, it gets easier and then your emotions totally over run you... I opened up to my Dr 12 years ago... went on HRT, because of age took a while... then a friend, then... next step family, now that it looks like I have a solid well paid job in line... Work will be a little while (probationary constraints).

I hope that I have helped you somewhat, with a really condensed snapshot on what, how and why... Best wishes for your journey, however it pans out for you, and happy to share more!

Look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Scissors eh? wow, ouch. How would you explain that? There was a musician I think it was that cut his stuff off and threw it out or something a while back.

Honestly I think the thing that makes it hardest to stay hidden for me is the fact that hrt is available and so many people have had success with it.
I'd really love to figure out how to just accept that this is the way I am but be ok with not transitioning or coming out.

The problem with that is I am only 42 and hopefully I can be around another 42 more years. That's a long time. Hell, with my luck I'll probably start going senile before then and out myself without ever knowing.

What did people do before hrt? Castration?

How people survived in the past isn't well known and I suspect many commented suicide without ever leaving a note. There is some history of people living in the opposite role and american indian tribes allowed children to decide if they wanted to live as a man or a woman when they were accepted as adults.
I have heard stories of women who lived many years by themselves dying and in the final examination they are discovered to be male.
Little of the history are recorded but the bit that have survived indicate we have been around for a very long time.

Wow, that is really sad.

Hi Rochelle 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome. It's nice to have someone to communicate with about my situation and feeling. Especially those that are walking in the same shoes.