Hi everyone,

What I'm about to share may not tally with the journey some of you are making, nor how you identify. But what I'm sharing is my personal, at times angst ridden, journey. I'm putting that at the start because I want you to know this is the first time I've shared this and it comes from my heart and body. I'm also a bit confused so any thoughts will be very welcome (be gentle though!).

I was born with a penis but that's not where this story begins. Instead it begins four years later, some 40-odd years ago. I remember reaching into the airing cupboard and trying on my sister's underwear. And I was thrilled. I had a conscious surge of excitement, satisfaction and joy. Although I didn't know the word, it was liberation.

The next 13 years were ones of suppression and turmoil. I explored sexuality through homosexual encounters but the real inner me craved to transition. I really, really, wanted to. I wrote off to places in Europe for MTF hormones. Remember we're talking early 1980's and I was in my teens. I have a few regrets in life and this was one: that I didn't go through with it.

But all this was to be crushed. My father had other plans and I was made to join the military, where I was useless because I was 'a fairy' so I got out. I got married because this was the done thing, but whenever I could I slipped into my wife's underwear. When I took to the dance floor, I took the female routine. When I sang, it was the female lead which was always my instinct. The inner girl craved to break through.

The suppression continued until I was eventually recently divorced and, suddenly, years of angst were released. I went a bit wild, hitting my body with online HRT drugs and probably nearly killed myself in the process.

Everything I've written so far may be fairly resonant, but here's the part which I'm unsure about ...

I don't get turned on by men and, actually, never have. I do, however, love their part And, yes, I only ever think 'passive.' (I shudder at the idea of being 'top' - sorry if this is tmi). I still get turned on by women, but for years this has been adoration of femininity. When I see a lady in beautiful shoes I admire those shoes, and crave the look. And so it goes on. In short, I love them because I want to be them. I always wear female underwear and, when possible, female outer clothes though not so much outdoors. I love female fashion and my favourite films are ones like The Devil Wears Prada (lurve the opening sequences). I'm camp, feminine and, yes I paint my nails

I'd be curious to know what people think this 'makes' me. If I could wave a magic fairy dust wand I'd be a transsexual - a sissy. That's what I think I am, or what I'd love to be, and hence my title: MtT Male to Trans In some way it's not so much how I look but how I feel and that requires not just cross-dressing. One thing I know from my childhood is that this isn't just about what I wear. It's who I am. It comes from within, it's me, the core of me, the inner girl who has desperately craved to break out all these years.

As I say, any reflections would be very gratefully received.

your loving friend Richenda x

This is simple but for you it's going to be very hard, You have to answer two questions.
1. Who do you want to go to bed as?
2. Who do you want to go to bed with?
If you don't have hard answers of the first question, that puts you somewhere in the middle of the sexual spectrum and with just a couple of month here, I don't understand all the details of that but somebody else will.
What you answer to the second question I suspect will put you in the middle of the sexual preference area, Just from your description, it might be Pansexual, Demisexual or Bisexual but without a clear answer to the questions, I am guessing at this point.

I think you may need to continue exploring your feelings and this web site is a good pace to do it. If you make another post, I will be back to check it out.

I'd say take your time...

hrt should have an effect. There are quite a few people who say their orientation changed.
Imo it has to do with getting comfortable within yourself...

well there are quite a few lesbians who say they can not relate to men on a relationship level...

others say they do not fall in love with a gender but a person...

some need an emotional connection first...

and you might think about a good gender therapist to help you along...

its all a process, I'd say take it step by step... some processing of info and feelings might be part of it...
I'd say take the time you need but keep at it...


hugs

Hi Dena,

Thank you so much. I love your questions: straight to the heart of this.

1. As a transsexual. Or, rather, as a gurl. I want to be and feel feminised, to feel liberated into expressing who I am. I want breasts, a feminine body. Would I go through to genital SRS? I don't know.
2. Apart from just myself (!) with a transsexual, with me the passive never active. I know that may be a strange answer but it's the honest one. I've had a lot of advances from women these past three or four years and I've rebutted them all. In fact the thought of having to be active in that direct sense i.e. playing 'the male' makes me shudder.

I'm being honest. I feel naked

Thanks Laura: such wise words.

The journey goes on!

One thing I do believe is that gender is, or can be, incredibly complex and that the delineation of 'male' and 'female' are themselves often means of control. I hate those boxes on forms and wish I could refuse. I want to tick a middle box.

Quote from: Richenda on August 09, 2015, 04:43:48 PM
Thanks Laura: such wise words.

The journey goes on!

One thing I do believe is that gender is, or can be, incredibly complex and that the delineation of 'male' and 'female' are themselves often means of control. I hate those boxes on forms and wish I could refuse. I want to tick a middle box.

You might try out a few things... maybe without going over the top    Over time you should feel where you are comfortable...
being more femme... etc...

I'd say try to be you... some people have a feeling they have to fight, and change then...

I think your view/tastes are not uncommon (nor within the MTF community nor within the human general population).

There are lots of transgender lesbian couples, lots of girls who like to be bottom but don't like men, girls who like to top and like men... I think every combination possible exists out there.

In my opinion trying to find a very strict and definite narrative for all transwomen it's a big mistake, it's not like "one size fits all", everyone has its own peculiarities and that shouldn't invalidate anybody.

Your not going to make this easy on me, are you?  At this point, I would say cross living with HRT would be the best path for you to take for now. The decision for SRS can be made at any time and there are people on this board who decided the life of a woman without SRS is fine.
As for you sex life, that can change over time. You currently appear to be Asexual but should you decide on SRS, you might lean toward heterosexual. There is a good deal of guess work in this answer because transitioning shifts our emotions and wants all over the place. That's the best I can do for now with what I know. It might be all wrong but only time will tell.

Very quickly as it's late (UK time) but I want to thank you above for the fab responses. I love them, which are all in different ways saying the same thing and that's very affirming of the path I'm on, which isn't static. It's great to know I'm not so unusual, Wednesday.

Feeling warm and would quite like to be held. Haha that's for you Dena