Quote from: destinysummerfield on August 10, 2015, 08:26:39 AM
Does anyone have any advice for me I need to come out to my dad as I'm gonna start transitioning however I'm so freaked out Idk how he's gonna react
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I believe there is 'good' advice about doing this. I have two big points to convey to you when going about this. I'm sorry this is long, but trust me when I say you're going to want to read it all. Good stuff here.
Point #1:My parents have long since divorced and remarried. Currently I haven't told my mother, simply do to lack of a good opportunity but I'm not worried about telling her at all. I have come out to my father and my brother, and I learned things from both experiences that hold true to the advice I'll be giving you.
Last week at group I told the girls my story about coming out to my father (the details of this are best for a thread of its own). It captured everyone's interest and even my therapist considered it "awesome" how I did it. After I finished my story, I asked the ladies present a particular question (there was about 5-7 of them), and those who had had bad results in coming out to a parent, responded to this question in the negative, while those who responded in the positive, responded with a positive result when coming out.
The question I asked them was "Before you came out to your parent(s), did you have a deep conversations with them previously? Emotionally deep. Talk about self behavior, other's behavior, etc. Like really talk talk ability with said parent?"
Every girl that could 'talk about anything' with said parent, was accepted by said parent when coming out. Every one that said 'no I never talk to them about serious stuff' had a negative result. In fact the level of 'deepness' they had between their parent appeared directly proportional to how accepting they were of them.
In my family I have very deep emotional conversations (not all the time!) with both of my parents but never my brother. In fact, my brother doesn't have them with anyone and is extremely guarded emotionally and overprotective of his daughter (aka 'controlling'). I asked my mother this point blank "Mom, we have a lot of deep conversations. Do you and *brother* ever have them?" Her sad response was "No. Never. I've never had a serious conversation with him at all."
So my first piece of good advice is, if you plan to come out to a parent, start treading the waters of emotional communication with them before you do. Establish a healthy communication with them. Coming out is a hugely personal and emotional discussion, don't just blind side them. If you're a MtF TG, this is all the more important for you to learn to do. This is a strongly female trait, you should acquire it! And it's not just blindsiding them, my father had NO IDEA I was trans, but the discussion went EXTREMELY WELL because we'd had many conversations previously of a deep emotional and personal level - most of these lead me to getting to really "know" my father.
As a result, I was fluent in 'serious talk', so was he with me, and this 'serious talk' with him was a cake walk. My heart didn't even speed up when I did it. It was just like any other serious conversation, except I was dressed as my fem self when I spoke to him. My dad is a huge supporter of me now, and even referred to me as his 'daughter' the same day, even using my temporary female name.
On the flip side. I never really developed this rapport with my brother, and it turns out no one has, so he was ill-prepared for the news, plus as it also turns out, he has a laundry list of outstanding issues of his own that he needs to step up and address and do something about. But that's another story, yet to be written. For now, he wants nothing to do with me, but since he already has nothing to do with anyone, it's not much of a threat, and his 5 page email of hate and ranting at me just showed me how messed up he was, not me. Sadly.
His reaction was very similar to what the other girls expressed when coming out to a parent/sibling they had no real deep communication with. So if you have parents that you are like this with, if you want a positive result, you're going to have to start cracking their mental egg and talking with them.
Lastly on this point, to develop a healthy deep communicative relationship like I'm describing, takes time. You can't just buy it. You have to build it with each person. Spend time doing this. Take months and even years to do it if you don't have it now. If you think you have it now, build it stronger and deeper before you come out to them just to make sure.
Point#2When you come out to your parent, give them something emotional they've always wanted (especially from you) when you do it. Because this will also self-obligate them to accept what you want from them - acceptance/support.
For example, when I came out to my father it was AFTER I gave him what no other person in his life had ever done for him (avoiding details here). It was 'earth shattering' for him, and he couldn't believe it. Then I came out to him on the tail end of it and he basically said "Well after what you've done for me, there's no way in Hell I
can't support you back. You basically blackmailed me! LOL!"
Knowing what they've always wanted should be a cake walk if you've engaged in Point#1 and gotten to really know your parent(s)/sibling.
And once again, I didn't do this with my brother, and it further contributed to his negative reaction. In his opinion, I gave him 'nothing but bad news'.
This is why I'm not worried about my mother's reaction. #1 we have a healthy deep communicative relationship already, and she's essentially given me the thumbs up if I'm gay or bi without saying it directly. #2, I already know what I'm going to give her and its something she REALLY wants.
And my last bit of advice: Plan it and take it slow. Just like transitioning, those who race through it often have negative results, while those who baby step it one foot at a time, tend to have more positive results.
I like baby stepping, it's easier to walk in heels that way to boot!
