Hello Girls,

This is my first time writing here but I have been reading and following the website for a while. I'm going to jump right in and I hope that someone of you girls who have more experience would be able to guide me in this very stressful time of my life.

About me:

I'm 25 living in LA, I'm 110 pounds 5'9 I have very feminine features and body but a huge adams apple and thick body hair not a lot but chest, legs and my facial hair grows very quickly. My FFS consultation my doctor suggested a mini brow lift and nose job and forehead reshape which I don't think I will do because I don't think i need it and I feel its for him to get more money out of it.

I lived my life as a gay man identifying as he until 2012 when I started getting very involved in
Drag and the more I did the more I noticed that It was never about entertaining people which is what drag is mostly all about for me it was about finding the woman within my makeup was very soft even though I was skilled enough to more over the top things.As a child I was very genderless very oblivious about the differences between boys and girls I lived in my own world and even as a teenager I didn't care enough to find what the fuss was all about until I noticed people starting to correct the way i talked, walked, my interests pretty much everything that I was about.

I would always day dream about how much better my life would be If I was a biological woman, as time went by I found myself no longer comfortable going out with my friends unless i'm in "Drag" it helped that my friends were drag queens but i want to go out like this all the time. I met a lot of trans woman and I have watched people I knew transition but I was always very scared of the thought mostly because of the following reasons:

1- I didn't want SRS, I'm okay with my male genitals I never found Vagina's fascinating and I know a lot of trans woman don't necessarily get the operation but I didn't like to feel so different having boobs and a penis. It can get very alienating However, my opinions on boobs keep changing sometimes I can literally feel like I have them and others I'm like I'm good

2- My family won't except it they are very conservative

3- The changes might be unpredictable some people maintain their weight some people gain a lot of weight and so on.
I could gain a few pounds but it took me yeaaaaaars to accept my skinny boney body so I'm afraid

4- All my friends are gay my network is mostly gay men and I'm not worried about them supporting me because they will and who doesn't ->-bleeped-<- them :p I just don't want to be the odd one out I guess.....All my life I was the minority within the minority and it's exhausting.

I have been very depressed for the past three years, I don't even enjoy going out in "drag" because I feel like a clown it makes me feel so cheap. I haven't been socializing for the past 4 month cause I just don't feel comfortable being around people anymore and it keeps getting worse.

The Plan:

I had my consultation for HRT last Thursday, my doctor asked me a few questions then she was ready to get some tests done and put me on estrogen and T Blockers. I wanted to discuss more and she was giving me a vibe that she is too busy and this is a bid decision. She then said that most trans woman have this ache inside them about transitioning she said that she is getting vibe that i'm not sure which to be honest was kinda dismissive.
I thought I wanted to live an androgynous life but androgynous people are equally happy presenting as both genders which is kinda not the case with me which is why it gets confusing for me. I have no doubt that I want to present as a woman but my definition of what a woman is might different from the standard we each have our path.

I'm debating between the following options:

Option 1:

Start Laser on my face and get my Adam's apple shaved maybe my nose then move from there

Pros: I will be able to see if I'm happy after these changes and if I need more or not
Cons: If I'm not It would be another wasted year

Option 2:

Do the procedures but perhaps going on a small dose of T blockers and see if I'm happy with the result

Pros: It's a balanced decision
Cons: I can't find info on what happens to your body from just t-blockers do you still go boobs and gain weight ?

Option 3:

Take both and wish for the best

Pros: I might like the results and it would be a new chapter in my life
Cons: I might not like it then I will be stuck with the side effects of having saggy boobs which will be very visible since i'm very skinny.


I hope that my honest thoughts don't offend anyone I'm not by any mean casting judgement on anyone it's just a very intense time in my life and I wanted to put all my thoughts out there.

Thank you xx

Have you thought about bouncing your concerns off of a therapist. they can help you sort things out and find reason for where you want to go with this.

I did I see a therapist weekly, we are discussing my transition in the upcoming sessions as well but no one can understand this more than other transgender woman.

There is no absolute way for your transition and its so good that you are seeing a therapist to help you. Some if us choose to have SRS and other surgeries. Others simply start a HRT program and never have an SRS. Only you working with a therapist can decide what you want. For us it's not all or nothing, each of us choose a path to be our true self. Wishing you a wonderful journey.

You should consider another option and that is going on a low dose of hormones with the blockers which would provide slow growth giving you more time to decided. Also no mention of living full time was made, and that is the part that will really make up you mind. In my view cross living is where you should be making most of your effort.

Thats a good point Dena, I kinda live full time but i'm not very passable. I have relatively long hair, long nails I wear makeup and I wear feminine clothing but without a bra. Only because I feel people get more aggressive to trans woman early in their transition vs over feminine gay men.

I am making an assumption that LA stands for Los Angles. I moved to Anaheim CA in 1976 and lived there through 2010 an in the process I transitioned starting in 1979. In that time, I was never attacked in any way because of my transsexualism or for any other reason. Yes I admit there were some neighborhoods I didn't travel to but I was around a good deal of Orange county and Los Angles county as well as much of the rest of the state.

If you are hanging around bad neighborhoods, I suggest you stop. In addition it may be time to push you image the rest of the way so you are addressed as ma'am in stead of sir and see if you like the feeling. If you like it, I think your question will be answered. If you don't become comfortable, stay here and explore the other areas you might fit into.

Should you need help cleaning up your image, there are people who can help you with that. If you think you may be more Queer or fluid gender, there are people here who could talk with you about those lifestyles.

I do agree that if you are uncomfortable with hormones, you may want to delay them a bit until you have a feel for the lifestyle you may want to live. The Adams Apple can be covered with a scarf or a turtle neck and beard can be covered with makeup for a while. Even part time cross living will tell you more than you know now.

Option 3therapy is where you get your answers.also because of your aged please spend some time with reproductive issues before starting hrt

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Alexi90:  Yes - please continue with counselling.  It is important for your to understand your own self to make your own decisions.

You'll have some idea if you know you are making a fair decision if you do start ERT.  If you like the results, then you can continue; I you do not like the results, you can stop any time and much of the results will reverse if your course has not been too long.

If you want facial surgery but not sure about FFS, maybe talk with a plastic surgeon about a mid option - nothing too male or female - maybe a refresher.  That way you would not be stuck if you chose to revert.

Yes, as Dena wrote, you certainly MUST live full-time before you take irreversible procedures.  That is the 'real life test' and it is mandatory for that purpose.  As Dena wrote - this is about your gender identity.  If you feel self-satisfied when someone calls you 'Miss' instead of 'Mister', then you are beginning to experience the confirmation of female identification.  This is where your gender counsellor will help you.

For practicality, I plucked my facial hair before I started electrolysis - thus I had no shadow and a smooth hairless face not requiring heavy make-up.  It took about an hour every day or so - I did it while watching TV during the evening so it was not anything intruding on my life.

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Dena:  We were two sister ships passing in the night; I had Dr. Robertson at Costa Mesa (1982 - 1993).

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