Hi Lovelies,

Sappy downer story here. I am tired of how I look, I look gross, I look like a man, anytime I feel confidence it is just short lived as any guy im interested in can absolutely tell I am a man in a dress even though I identify as female. I keep getting "You're a man aren't you?" I just get the looks and feel like the only way I will ever be passable is if I grow my hair fair enough to cover my entire body.

I am just starting to feel frustrated and wanting to do something crazy to feel better. I really want to go to this transphobic redneck bar and get my ass beat, I feel like if I cant be accepted as a female then might as well just kick my ->-bleeped-<- ass up. I just cant stand it anymore, I want to be crazy and run around at night and get into trouble with the cis guys, I just feel like that is the rush I need. My wife hates this and I lie to her and tell her I am not doing anything bad, but I night I go walking down the road and see if I can hitch hike and see if someone will take me away.

I feel like I want to be murdered sometimes, like just pick me up on the road and take me out somewhere and murder me, its almost arousing to think of. I just feel more and more compelled to do this, I need this.


<no foul language please>

I should also add that I want to walk into the church during the busiest time and see what people will do to me hahaha!!

I'm sorry you feel this way stella. Just know this, transition takes years to accomplish and hard work, surgeries, more than one, and being out to your closest in your inner circle. Its not an overnight thing. Maybe you had this dysphoria bottled up for many years and it burst out. First things first, know this, everybody's transition, took time, and even if they did pass after a year, you got the socialization, which takes years, and then the voice, body postures, mannerisms, et al., the whole package takes time. You may want to talk to a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria, to hash out your feelings and hopefully, not be so spontaneous, where you can get hurt or worse. Nobody likes a sister to get hurt or worse  .  Hang in there, transition takes time, and research, some of us went through anxious episodes, where we want life to move faster, but it will not.

My suggestion, talk to a gender dysphoria therapist, is the best bet to steer you right.

Quote from: SonadoraXVX on August 12, 2015, 01:03:46 AM
I'm sorry you feel this way stella. Just know this, transition takes years to accomplish and hard work, surgeries, more than one, and being out to your closest in your inner circle. Its not an overnight thing. Maybe you had this dysphoria bottled up for many years and it burst out. First things first, know this, everybody's transition, took time, and even if they did pass after a year, you got the socialization, which takes years, and then the voice, body postures, mannerisms, et al., the whole package takes time. You may want to talk to a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria, to hash out your feelings and hopefully, not be so spontaneous, where you can get hurt or worse. Nobody likes a sister to get hurt or worse  .  Hang in there, transition takes time, and research, some of us went through anxious episodes, where we want life to move faster, but it will not.

My suggestion, talk to a gender dysphoria therapist, is the best bet to steer you right.

Yeah I have a therapist who specializes in gender stuff, but I don't think I really need to see her, I feel fine most days. And yeah I know it takes time but I mean its not like I will magically become pretty, ill still have the face of a troll.

That's why there's FFS.

Quote from: SonadoraXVX on August 12, 2015, 01:36:10 AM
That's why there's FFS.

True, but It wont be enough to cure my troll chin will it?

Hi Stella, sorry you feel that way - I can understand the frustration you are feeling. For many of us ladies our bodies have betrayed us and it is utterly disheartening. Yes, there is HRT, there is surgery and other feints that can, and often do help. But you are being realistic in saying they may not help everything. The problem with transition is that you won't know if it was all worth it until waaaay down the track, often many years and $$$ and much pain later. So what do you do about it? What do you do now?

Don't put yourself in dangerous situations for starters. You're clearly distressed and depressed, you say you usually don't need to see your counsellor well I'd say this is exactly one of those times when you do. You say that surgery will do nothing for you, but if that is an option you are open to considering you should at least look into what's possible and achievable. Try to stop thinking about what you think is impossible and try to look into what realistically is.

Hope you feel better soon.

sorry, your in so much pain, but like everyone is saying you don't know the results until you go through the process. As far as your chin goes, You really don't know until you have a consult with a plastic surgeon on what can be done. the worst case would be only a little and then you would be in the same bout as countless other females who have to deal with what nature has dealt them. We always say go out sometime to a busy mall and look at all the diversity in woman as far as anatomy and looks etc. Honestly your not alone in wanting changes to your appearance. I've got a big nose , but there's no way I can do any thing about it because I'm on welfare and its far better for me to eat then to worry about my nose

Quote from: Stella Sophia on August 12, 2015, 12:33:42 AM
I look gross, I look like a man

You realize these are two different things, right?

A lot of non-passing trans women are very beautiful. I knew quite a few of them.

The only people who truly look gross, are people who dislike themselves so much that their discomfort with their own selves is evident from their body language and facial expressions.

I don't know what will bring you in a positive direction. Affirmations? Meditations? Therapy? A spa weekend? A new wardrobe? A group of friends that celebrates your femininity?

Only you know what will change your mindset from "I look gross" to "I am a fabulous trans woman". My suggestion is you start looking for what will help you make that change.

That is your homework, each person has to research the material stella AND know what is right for them.

Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk

Thanks for the words of advice ladies.

Quote from: Stella Sophia on August 12, 2015, 01:14:17 AM
Yeah I have a therapist who specializes in gender stuff, but I don't think I really need to see her, I feel fine most days.

Pardon me for my bluntness. It is well know here, but it sounds like you need your therapist in the worse way right now. Your thought's of being hurt or killed are not normal and to take chances like that, not good. How long have you been transitioning anyway? Most of us have years already to look how we do. Nothing comes overnight or at times in the same year for us transitioners.

Quote from: Stella Sophia on August 12, 2015, 12:33:42 AM
the only way I will ever be passable is if I grow my hair fair enough to cover my entire body.

omg  sweetie ur so harsh on urself. Passing is an evolution process. U need to be patient and persistant.

It's been 3 months hrt. And yes I know it takes years, I just feel like I have to be better that I can only earn my dads love through perfection. I can't accept anything other than 100% psssable even if it is only 3 months. My dad doesn't talk to me anymore and is ashamed of me. I can't look like a man, I can't have any flaws or anything masculine looking at all. I wish I had the money for all kinds of surgery.

And that's where I feel depressed, if I can't be perfect than I want to throw it all away. I have no room for error I must be in perfect shape and completely passable.

Honestly, to be blunt, your setting yourself up for failure.  I fantasize about looking like Greta Garbo, she's my hero but in no way realistically even with all the surgery in the universe is that going to happen. To apply your criteria to me would be like saying its Greta or nothing. As far as your father is concerned , is he the one who is transitioning.
Sorry if this sounds blunt and uncaring, I really have no intention of hurting you.  We trans a a whole have these issues , but we decide to live with them, that's life. we live with our imperfections whether cis or trans.

Some days I'd settle for looking like Benny Hill. He looked pretty good in a dress. Remember, it's better to be the world's ugliest woman than it's most handsome man when you're MtF. The goal is to be comfortable and safe, not elegant and beautiful. If you get that, that's great, but beautiful is just gravy.

The pursuit of perfection is a pointless, self defeating endeavour since there is no such thing. How about you give it your best shot and enjoy your life instead? If I was worried about being "perfect" I'd never be happy.

Yeah you ladies are right, I think I will call my therapist and set up another appointment, I have been making good progress and don't want to do something that could get me killed.

Quote from: Stella Sophia on August 13, 2015, 10:36:06 AM
It's been 3 months hrt. And yes I know it takes years, I just feel like I have to be better that I can only earn my dads love through perfection. I can't accept anything other than 100% psssable even if it is only 3 months. My dad doesn't talk to me anymore and is ashamed of me. I can't look like a man, I can't have any flaws or anything masculine looking at all. I wish I had the money for all kinds of surgery.

And that's where I feel depressed, if I can't be perfect than I want to throw it all away. I have no room for error I must be in perfect shape and completely passable.

You know what Stella, in the 6 years I'm in this forum, I SERIOUSLY never didn't see anyone as funny as you looooooooooooool. You made my day! 

But girl seriously, you need to get real and realistic. All this is not possible in the time span you said. You need be patient. Go slow but sure than fast then fail. Are you sure your dad would accept you if you were fully passable? Some dads wouldnt ingest it no matter how passable and beautiful you are. So maybe you're just straining for nothing for your dad. You'd better fight this own war for yourself. Me I gave up my grand father a long time ago and never saw him again till he died cos he wouldnt accept to see me step in the house as a girl. The fight is between you and your family now. Would u Choose YOURSELF or your family? I chose MYSELF.

Quote from: Stella Sophia on August 12, 2015, 02:11:19 AM
True, but It wont be enough to cure my troll chin will it?

Well, yes, FFS by a very competent surgeon could take care of that chin.  Facial hair removal would help as well.  Then, longer and styled hair.  Eyes, nose, cheeks and forehead are all good.  Maybe lower hair line and lite trachea shave. 

But you are already good looking and after a period of time on HRT, you'll be better.....

Sorry about the father thing.  That's tough.  If you see him and you are happy, odds are he'll come around some, maybe all the way.....

Hugs

Jen