Why isn't there a confused sub-forum??? Lol. So I have been crossdressing now all my life (I'm 46) I have a wife and 2 boys 13 & 11 and they know I crossdress. But lately I have really been thinking about transitioning. My wife doesn't want to be married to a girl,  but is ok with my closet crossdressing. The urologist put me on testosterone cause my levels where way low, like 80 year old man low and I spiked at 900 and hate how manly it has made me. On the plus side my balls have all but disappeared (easy for tucking). We only have sex about 4 times a month and I would love to have my balls removed and go on low dose hrt for mtf. I think our sex life could handle me being less horny all the time. On testosterone I now masturbate like twice a day and hate it. But I'm not sure!! There is so much to lose. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a therapist and she tells me to be true to myself. Me and my wife love each other like crazy but I am really not sure if she would stay with me if I transitioned. She said she would always love me, but that's not confirmation that she will stay married to me.
I'm confused and don't know where my life is going and I don't know what to do.
I know this forum will not make everything better but am just looking for support from someone that has walked the path before me.

Masturbating 2x a day yet sex with your wife once a month?

What to get a whack job, followed by low-dose HRT?

I sense a for real certifiable Gender Therapist in your future.

You just know, but don't know. You have questions and answers you love to see, but hate.

I cannot ask, nor can I expect my wife to always be by my side if I go full-time. One of her original responses after dropping the T-Bomb was "I did not marry a woman". That sentiment has not changed. Add on to that "I cannot think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest". Or, a perennial favorite, "You lied to me..."

Transitioning to me is simply "To change", just as the dictionary says. I am transitioning from some lifeless soulless thing, into a for real person. I still live and present primarily as male, though I had spent several years doing part-time and look forward to more. My wife... well, if it keeps me alive and happy, that is what counts. I've had plenty of WTF am I doing meltdowns brought on by either my old friends Shame & Guilt, or from my wife's emotional state.

One day at a time

Despite there being physical differences to a trans brain there does not appear to be a test that you can take to prove you have it.  There are things that help confirm it as you transition but that's about the best you can do. 

If the big deal about dressing up is erotic then you might simply be a transvestite which honestly would be great.  That would mean you wouldn't go down the path of dropping a small nuke into your well established life. 

On the other hand, if dressing up is not for that and if your heart leaps when you are dressed as a woman, well... you need to work out next steps with your therapist.  Just because you may start hormones does not mean you would have to go all the way over.  Still, fair warning that if your wife isn't bi-sexual or willing to lean a little lesbian then you will effectively kill off your sex life as you feminize even if you stay married. 

When you start hormones then one thing they say is that as you lose your sex drive then if you aren't really trans that this will disturb the hell out of you.  For trans folks we instead feel at peace. 

So if you start down this path and want a chance in heck to stay married then my advice is go slow.  Hair removal takes an eternity so you can start doing that.  Find the female things that you can bond with your wife with.  For me I became a much nicer person after hormones and as I dropped the walls I had built I became nicer yet.  That helped me keep my marriage.  If you were already an awesome spouse with a ton already in common with your wife then you won't have it so nice as changing will only take away from what she had without much added.  I wasn't that big a twit but I'm really just a whole lot nicer, and happier.

There isn't well paved trail to follow.  Each of us has to find our own way but my path has been to take it slow and let my family and friends adjust some to it. 
Good luck Rachel.

Somebody on another form made a really good comment about doubts and questioning.

For a moment stop asking or trying to prove you are transgender. Try to prove to yourself beyond a shadow of doubt that you are NOT transgender.  You may find this nearly impossible. I certainly did.