Hi all! I'm Rebecca, a pre-everything trans girl from Sweden. My name on here, Pluvia, is Latin meaning rain. I love rain. When I was younger I used to grab a blanket and some hot chocolate and sit outside on the porch, listening to the rain, watching the rain. It is a way better help against anxiety than my anxiety pills for me.
I started self-identifying as transfeminine when I was about 6 years old. Even so, I didn't come out to myself until this year, and I'm 19 now.
I'm semi-closeted. I'm out to friends and partly to family, but I don't present female in public - rather androgynous. I live in a small, bigoted town and I fear for my safety and that people I know might see me. I came here because I wanted advice on that, and because I wanted a second forum to spend time on.
On top of being trans, I have other issues e.g. abandonment/attachment issues, depersonalization on some level, etc. I also have a problem with understanding implicit meanings and cues in conversation, so please don't be offended if I sometimes don't answer you or so - it's likely because people assume I understand things about what they're saying but I don't.
I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts and have had to go into a psychiatric ward before. I'm in therapy and psychiatry. One thing that's a little bit funny about the psychiatry: I talked about how waiting for HRT was pure agony and that (please don't judge me. It's awful...) I was thinking of starting self-medicating with HRT. He said that that might make me too kind of... happy, thus disturbing their investigation of my other problems that they needed to get done before I could get a referral to the right hospital. So, they didn't want me to take it because it might make me happy, which would disturb their investigation aimed at finding out what's wrong with me and make me happy.
I do understand where they're coming from, I just find that something to laugh a little bit about, like a light in the dark.
Anyways, I've rambled enough!
