This is really weird and I have no experience to help me figure out what's happening here.

I'm 37 years old, trans woman. I have not started hormones and I'm not out to anyone but my family and only came out to myself a few months ago. At work, I'm presenting as male, other than long hair and wearing some light coverup makeup.

My boss is (as far as I know) cisgender male. He's a pretty great person (crappy boss, but great person) and I've shared a lot with him, about my adhd struggles and my anxiety disorder. I can be a bit of a drama queen, and he's treated me with more respect and kindness than I ever deserved.

The only time he's touched me has been the occasional manly handshake, and once or twice a one-armed hug (like when my dad had a stroke).

But, twice in the last two weeks, he's lightly, kindly grasped my shoulder when talking to me. I don't know what to think about this. It's new, it's out of place. But, the contact feels so damn good, and it also feels a little uncomfortable. I've seen enough sexual harassment videos to know there's something not right here; on the other hand I can't imagine in a million years this actually being sexual harassment.

I guess I should say something, but I don't really want to say anything. And, he's my boss after all. He's a great guy and I do depend on him for my job. I'm sure it's completely innocent and the only reason I'm even thinking about it is because this is so completely new to me. And it would just destroy him, and our relationship if I said anything.  And I'm not really even sure if this bothers me or not.

I just don't have the neurons, or the life experience to process this. Can anyone offer any advice? I'm really confused right now.

Once upon a time it used to be so much easer. When I was younger it was acceptable to touch other people to comfort them. You didn't do it with a total stranger but only with somebody you knew pretty well. With all of the sexual harassment problems now, touching hands is about all that is permitted unless you hold your arms open for a hug and the other person walks into it.

Both options are possible with your boss. He may have grown up in a family where touching was still acceptable and you sharing as much as you have brought out the touching reaction that he grew up with. On the other hand, he could be a dirty young/old man but if he touches you in a safe place and limits it to that, I would suspect he grew up with it as a form of sharing. If you are uncomfortable with it, let him know gently that you appreciate his efforts to comfort you but it makes you a bit uncomfortable.

It seems from what you said that you talk about a lot of things with him. I'm from the almost extinct generation and it doesn't seem unusual  I mean I don't know the whole situation plus it is a work environment so I don't know, but it seems harmless . I could be wrong though. If your uncomfortable the best thing to do is say something , which is easier said than done.

It may be harmless. It may not be.

In the end it is your body though. You can ask him not to touch you. Do it politely. If you're presenting male though, guys touch each other like that. I don't understand that. But hey it happens:

Hi, Victoria.
I'm probably coming from a different angle, and may be reading too much into this.
I agree with those who say it may be nothing, and that it USED to be acceptable to touch other people to add gravitas to what was said, or show empathy, or to establish rapport during a conversation.

Can't address everything; but there's also a difference in how men interact, and women, and mixed company.
As you noted, men tend to shake hands, maybe a one-armed hug in a particularly close relationship, or an intimate circumstance, such as comforting you about your father.

However, I picked up on three details:
1. Contact on the shoulder, and from what you said, more of a "grabbing" motion, as if addressing you, ensuring your attention is directed to the boss. Also, might be the same sort of grasping of the shoulder, but a "friendly squeeze" motion, while working on a computer, say? Both are more Male::Female interaction actions. There is an implicit hierarchy established, and sometimes also an emotional connection.

2. "It feels good."  I'm biased here, probably a sexist dinosaur to many here - but this sounds like support for the Male::Female connection above. You're reacting like a woman who appreciates the emotional connection, the "guidance" (Don't have a better term; it's referencing the paternalistic side of the had-on-shoulder gesture, you're possibly "being led", and happy for it in a sense.  Especially likely if you tend to be submissive, meaning only, "Not the Alpha.")  Most people don't like to think about just how sexual most of our interactions are. There's that entire unspoken language, body language...  If you hold yourself one way, you're a criminal (google: Pre-crime). Same person, acting differently, is a target to a predator. Same person, acting differently, is a confident, even frightening, individual. I don't have enough details to do more than speculate - but it's something to consider.  :-)  Someone - I think it was a thread here - was talking about a "feminine energy." I'm male by birth, but I grew up acting feminine, to the point people thought I was a girl. It might be that energy that you are now presenting, and he is responding to.

3. "A little uncomfortable."  Not sure how to take this one. And it'll get weird...  ;-) 
So, when you're "excited," are you "comfortable?" Won't get into the whole arousal thing, just summarize it: Women supposedly enjoy the "discomfort" if you will - I.E., it's a GOOD "uncomfortable." So, if I'm right so far...?  Maybe that's re-wired for you now? 
OTOH, if I'm striking out - then it's a bad uncomfortable, and I'd look into the whole "harassment" thing - but leave out management for now. It's likely something you could address easily when it happens, and going to management makes a report, and possibly a hostile work environment, and "improvement plans," permanent black marks on employment records, that sort of thing. I escalate quickly to nuclear responses (being passive got me badly injured in the past, so now "Best defense is good offense." But only when needed.)  But this sounds minor.  Biggest problem is, it's happened, more than once, and you didn't respond at the time. We (humans) need to be more decisive - we've been domesticated, and it's a problem. It's no different from training a dog: If you let the puppy on the bed, "Just this once," it's now ALWAYS acceptable for the puppy (now a 105-pound boxer dog who stretches and pushes both you and your GF out onto the floor, from a California King - see, I speak from experience here!) to be on the bed - OWNING the bed...  And as a parallel, I'm in a decade-long relation->-bleeped-<- (no typo) because she wanted a few weeks as a fling...  and since it was temporary, I didn't correct her bad behavior then - so now, I have issues correcting her (I've tried for over 8 years. She insulted me in front of business and friends last night so much, THEY had to comment on it... But she won't listen and learn, the boundaries weren't set by me, earlier.)
So - you want to keep the job, and the relationship, TIME is essential, and making polite and reasonable requests in a timely manner is essential. It also might mean you've "crossed the Rubicon" in a good way - you're projecting a feminine energy, and he is responding to it. That doesn't mean you WANT or Welcome that contact - so you need to define the boundaries. And it might be good to do that anyway, even if you want that attention - he's married, right?  (From my view, "hetero", "homo", "CIS" is meaningless in this context.)   That is a big red flag for a professional relationship (google signs of cheating, and how things happen/progress. You're in a close working environment, and there's a lot of potential for bad things to happen - or, for people to SUPPOSE bad things have happened, and gossip about it. Something to keep in mind.)


Especially if presenting as male, it can be odd - especially if there's that male/female energy bit going on.  :-)

Thanks everyone. steyraug96,  I think you nailed it, I really had to take some time to think about what you said.

>  1. Both are more Male::Female interaction actions. There is an implicit hierarchy established, and sometimes also an emotional connection.

It was a friendly squeeze on the shoulder, both times. It was also the first time he's done that. But thank you for describing it this way because I had a massive AHA moment.

It felt weird, it felt good, it felt uncomfortable, I didn't understand it. Why- because it was absolutely a Male::Female interaction, but that thought never occurred to me and so I couldn't undertand it.

>  2. "It feels good."  Most people don't like to think about just how sexual most of our interactions are. There's that entire unspoken language, body language...   

I guess it felt good on many levels. First, the unrecognized fact that it was a Male::Female interaction. It felt good because right out of the blue, he was treating me like a woman even though I didn't recognize that's what was happening at the time. It felt weird because, see my feminine energy answer below.
Also, it felt good... see my response to #3.... you've opened up a whole can of worms here. A good can

> "feminine energy." ...
I've had this happen a couple of times in the last month. I call it unconscious mam'ing. Nobody at work knows. I'm presenting as a male (with long hair). No hormones (yet). But somehow people pick up on the real me without even knowing.

There are two women at work who almost completely interact with me as another woman. At first I thought I was in love with them. Now I understand how happy I am just to be accepted. The other day when I bought nail polish, the cashier joked "this color would look great on you hahaha". My boss (oh crap, my boss again) started an email with the subject 'sisters' that he sent to his wife, his wife's friend, and copied me.
I have a dozen more little things. Accidental, non-thinking moments where I was treated as a woman. It's kind of awesome.


>  3. "A little uncomfortable."  Not sure how to take this one. And it'll get weird...  ;-) 
>  Especially if presenting as male, it can be odd - especially if there's that male/female energy bit going on.  :-)
> So, when you're "excited," are you "comfortable?" Won't get into the whole arousal thing, just summarize it: Women supposedly enjoy the "discomfort" if you will - I.E., it's a GOOD "uncomfortable." So, if I'm right so far...?  Maybe that's re-wired for you now?

First let me say- I would never get in to a romantic relationship with my boss, no matter their gender. I know how horrible that would turn out and I wouldn't ever let it happen!

First, I dont think it's a bad uncomfortable. I think I assumed it must be because I didn't understand it, and because I'm newly sensitive to watching out for this kind of thing. It does worry me a bit, about the precedent i'm setting by not saying anything, even though I don't really mind it.

A year ago, I would have described myself as a "straight male" and would have explained - in theory only. I'm still a virgin, only ever been on two dates. I'm fairly sure I'm sexually attracted to woman, and not to men, but if I ever found myself attracted to a man it wouldn't bother me, and I wouldn't try to hide it.

Back to the shoulder touch, or whatever it was... your questions got me thinking honestly about it. I'm pretty sure that from his perspective, it was purely platonic, although unconsciously Male::Female; it was not a bro-touch.
I've thought for hours, and hours about this. I think to me it was a good, exciting uncomfortable. I think it may have felt a little bit sexual, on my side. Again, boss, would never act on anything, but I think the weird/uncomfortableness may have actually been because I was feeling something I've never felt before.

This is all still very theoretical, but now I have no idea what to think. The labels have lost their meaning and gotten confusing to me. I'm a woman, but still look like a man. But I assume I'm still sexually attracted to women. My thoughts and feelings haven't changed, but now I'm a lesbian? But a lesbian in theory only. When did i become a lesbian, when I came out to myself, when I come out to other people? And what happens if I find out I'm actually sexually attracted to guys, and its really just been envy I've felt for woman all my life. Does that suddenly make me straight? With 37 years of male-nesss experience I couldn't say with a straight face "i'm into guys and that makes me straight".

I really like the word queer. The best I can say right now is that my sexuality is queer. Not "normal".

There is still a lot more in your and everyone else's reply for me to parse, and think about, thanks again for the thoughts.

The weirdest thing to me is that my 'transition' started before I've started taking hormones. Almost from the day I came out to myself little bits of femininity have started working their way in to my life, without my pushing it, and in the most unexpected places. This is one of those places...

I can totally relate to this thread. I made a post awhile back about my boss seeing me looking at an article on HuffPo about "Transitioning at Work." He was kind of awkward at first and then asked "What, am I supposed to call you Katelyn now?" He was saying that because of Caitlyn Jenner but it hit really close to home. Ever since then he's been a bit harrassing.  He has a reputation for playfulness in the company anyway. He'd come up behind me and make obviously sarcastic comments about my body (I've also lost 85 lbs since I started working rhere). Sometimes he'll come up next to me and do the shoulder squeeze or neck massage thing to try to get a rise out of me. At first I acted all creeper out by it but lately I've been playful back with him. He was sitting next to me and said something like "Sometimes (boyname) I just want to lean over and plant a kiss right on your lips" so I responded with, "Hmm that'd be nice, stick your tongue in my mouth while you do it." And I got him back. Or I was on my hands and knees counting coin in our cash vault and he told me to assume the position,  so I did and he wasn't quite sure how to react to that one.

I know he's joking around and I don't feel harassed by it. I actually feel embarrassed to share a birth sex with him.

Hi Victoria.  Ultimately, you know how you feel and when you should say something.  That said, I'm a hugger, but it stays at that - a hug.  Nothing extended, not a one Mississippi, two Mississippi hug, just a hug. 

I hate to use the term "feel him out" but I am sure you know what I mean by that.  I have yet to post a profile, but I'm the patrol supervisor for my police department.  I basically only have two people over me; one of them tends to be a touchy person, which is OK. 

I have to laugh (at my situation) because on the very few times I do interact with him, I'll find him putting his hand on my shoulder until he feels the bra strap. He stops dead in his tracks, then slowly reverses until his hand is off of my shoulder. 

I had a captain back during my fire service career that was the same way, except this guy was a card carrying pervert.  You could see the intent in his eyes, and yeah baby he turned on me when I would not give in.  It was a pretty big department (400+ firefighters) so the whole thing got lost in the shuffle.

But remember, anything that feels uncomfortable you need to stop.  Oh yeah, keep a log just in case anything negative comes up of this should he ever try and turn any tables on you.  You have to protect yourself, and something I have learned in my 14 years now as a cop is what Denzell Washington said in the movie Training Day; "Its not what you know, its what you can prove."

Be safe, and I'll keep an eye out for how you're coming along.

Marlo