I've been quiet for a month or so on here reading articles and what not, and I decided to finally say a proper 'Hello'.
I haven't really had the typical experience of a trans person. I never believed I was a boy all along since childhood, it was more a case of... I knew I secretly liked it better. That feeling amplified around high school after puberty decided to gift me with breasts and my period. I was jealous; I had to wear a bra, boys did not. I had to bleed every month, boys did not. I had to shave my legs and underarms, boys did not (if they didn't want to). One of my therapists actually told me, point blank, that I was committing 'social suicide' by refusing to shave...
So in all honesty, I only really went through the motions of being a girl. Sure I collected stuffed animals and I went through an obligatory Pink color phase (before I fell in love with blue), but I didn't like putting on make up, wearing dresses, painting my nails, I tried! I really tried to get into those things to normalize myself, I suppose. But deep down, I knew I didn't really like that stuff. The most damning evidence that I didn't enjoy the gender I was born as would be dreaming that I had a penis!
I'd feel pretty happy in those dreams, but when I woke up, I was confused as ->-bleeped-<-. I felt like such a crazed weirdo for thinking about it, so I just kinda ignored those dreams. I thought about how much more comfortable guys cloths looked, how they're warmer, and not tight fitting. Again, I continued to ignore these thoughts, telling myself I was NOT transgender because I didn't fit the cookie cutter stories of the trans people I've heard of.
It was only last year that I figured out, "No! I DON'T like being a woman! At all!" I had some pretty uncomfortable body dysmorphia to the point where I couldn't look myself in the mirror. When I finally purchased my first set of guy clothes, and looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled. Genuinely smiled! I was so happy to see myself for the very first time, and I said in my head, "Hello, Kyle."
So, now I'm in the process of full on transition. My Mom was kind enough to set me up with a gender specialist a few towns over, and she's been taking my transition in stride. I have yet to tell other members of my family, but they are currently dealing with other more pressing matters. I'll tell them in good time...
In the meantime, it's been a very taxing waiting game. Everyone in my family is wrapped up in a separate crisis, so I really have no right to come in and announce a NEW life altering change to them. I'm waiting for the dust to settle and everyone to be relaxed. So for the past several months, I've been stressed and angry at times, anxious and crushingly self-conscious at others. I've taken to chewing my fingers and picking at scabs to release excess tension, and the only thing that keeps me sane and happy for long stretches is listening to heavy metal. I just feel that for the first time I know who I am, and now I can't wait to say goodbye to Kelly for good. I've always been embarrassed by her, was never proud of her, flat out hated her, really!
Most of my friends are taking me wanting to be a boy just fine. In fact, I have two GQ friends, and one of them is teaching me all sorts of awesome guy stuff like airsoft! XD So I am finding moments of pure pleasure in between the fits of self-doubt, and anxiety. And it does puzzle me; I have nearly saint like patience for many things. This situation seems to be the only one where I'm really worn thin over the fact that I can't transition fast enough. Maybe that makes me sound like a spoiled brat :/
Anyways, Hello, Susan's Place!
