Hello everyone,

i am in a very complex situation and i really need an advice from someone with similar experience. If you think, you can help me, please continue reading, any feedback is greatly appreciated!


My life (you can skip this part):
I was born at summer 1994 as a male at hospital in a nearby town. I am an only child. Since i was in kindergarten, i had urges to play with the girls since i can remember. They had a dress and would pretend to be princesses, i really wanted to join them, but i was ashamed and never did. I remember i used to sneak into my mothers clothes and even got caught with it several times. When i was older, around 8 years old, my parents divorced and i moved out with my mother. I would always wait until no-one was home and then dress up. When my parents left for a whole weekend, it was a like a christmas for me. I was always unsure of my identity and it made me very anxious, when i had to present myself to others as someone who i am not. I have been suffering from depression since i was 13 and had a few visits at different psychiatrist/psychologist. Seeing myself growing into a man made me sad. When i was 17 years old, my good friend died in an accident and it made my depression way worse, i had to visit psychologist again. She was young and i felt like she could help me, it was the first time i had hope from a psychologist. She sat me down in one room and gave me a test, it was a questionnaire about depression, anxiety, disorders and it included questions about gender identity. I seen it as opportunity and decided to truthfully answer all questions. But she didnt pay much attention to my answers about gender identity, because i came there with depression. That was the only opportunity i had in my life, when i felt safe to reveal my secret. I regret it to that day, that i didnt mention it to her after she ignored it. Since i was 16, i had real interest about transitioning and looked at resources from time to time and dreaming i would become a girl. My mother broke up with her boyfriend when i was 18 and we moved again. I continued living in stealth, occasionally dressing up, when i have the opportunity. Currently i am 21 years old, sad and anxious, living full time as male with my secret and messed up personality. I have done COGIATI and SAGE tests couple times during the years and i have always scored as: Androgynous.


My personality:
I have both masculine and feminine side. On one side, there is a man that wants to be alpha male. Success driven maniac, with muscular build and full torso tattoo, a CEO with own company, dominating the world, a fitness trainer... On the other side, there is a soft woman, who just wants to be loved, feel beatiful, wear pretty summer dresses and start own family. Cuddle in bed with husband...


My sexuality:
Most-likely bisexual/pansexual. Gender doesn't play that important role to me in relationships.


The vicious circle:
When i look in the mirror, i dont see myself. I can choose from two destiny paths: A man or a woman (both equally amazing)....Everytime i work out, i always push to the limits and try to be the most efficient. Which brings me the results of muscle growth and getting closer to my vision of myself as a male. But i am happy and sad at the same time. It feels like the woman inside me is fading away and it really hurts. I would like to look more feminine, grow boobs, wear makeup, feel beautiful...It doesnt matter which path i choose, everytime i get closer to one side, i get farther from the other side and it is tearing me appart. 


Some questions you might ask me with the answers:

Do you want to become female?
Yes and no.

Do you want to continue living as a male?
Yes and no.

Which side do you prefer? Male or female?
Neither/I prefer both equally.

Are you suffering from depression?
Yes, for countless years.

Do you have suicidal tendencies?
Yes, sometimes i can get into really dark mood.

How would you like to present yourself at society?
As a person. (no labels attached)


My recent results from SAGE:

Your Raw Score is: -330, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Masculine
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a androgynous manner.
You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Male.
ANALYSIS:
Male to Female possible Transsexual
NOTES:
Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.


Ending:
I am going to call psychologist to arrange a visit. But the waiting time is atleast 3-5 months. I need to get my life together and start fully living as a person. If you have idea how solve my issue, or what can i do in the meantime to make myself feel better, please post a comment!

Thank you for reading, have a great day!

(note: If this is the wrong section, i am very sorry, i couldnt find anything more fitting)

Hi Unsure, welcome to Susan's Place! Do you have a name we can use? You sound genderfluid or bi-gender to me, which is how I identify. Don't put any faith in the SAGE and COGIATI tests, the woman who invented the COGIATI has come out and said it isn't a good tool. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's Place. First, be careful about the test because I scored pretty poorly on them but yet I had SRS in 1982 and it was the best decision I made in my life. Had the test been available and had I listened to them, I wouldn't have had surgery.

Only you can answer this question but we can tell you what to look at. I agree that you may be some where in the middle between male and female but for the most part we all are. When I became a woman, I brought a good deal of what I was before with me. What you really need to decide is would you be happier in life as a man or a woman and then work from there.

I suggest you you go to youtube and request "the transition channel" which can help you determine if what you feel is transsexualism. If you don't see yourself in the series, then you are more middle of the road. If you do see your self, then you have a name that you can apply to yourself.

Confusion is very common at this point in the game because there are advantages to remaining in the male role but we have the feminine drive within us that can't be ignored. Where ever you end up on the spectrum, you will find others on this site that are like you. This site may appear transsexual but there are many who have found a happy place without surgery.

Good luck exploring your feelings and if I can provide any additional help, post to this thread or PM after you hit 15 post.

Quote from: Dena on August 22, 2015, 10:10:45 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. First, be careful about the test because I scored pretty poorly on them but yet I had SRS in 1982 and it was the best decision I made in my life. Had the test been available and had I listened to them, I wouldn't have had surgery.

Only you can answer this question but we can tell you what to look at. I agree that you may be some where in the middle between male and female but for the most part we all are. When I became a woman, I brought a good deal of what I was before with me. What you really need to decide is would you be happier in life as a man or a woman and then work from there.

I suggest you you go to youtube and request "the transition channel" which can help you determine if what you feel is transsexualism. If you don't see yourself in the series, then you are more middle of the road. If you do see your self, then you have a name that you can apply to yourself.

Confusion is very common at this point in the game because there are advantages to remaining in the male role but we have the feminine drive within us that can't be ignored. Where ever you end up on the spectrum, you will find others on this site that are like you. This site may appear transsexual but there are many who have found a happy place without surgery.

Good luck exploring your feelings and if I can provide any additional help, post to this thread or PM after you hit 15 post.

Many of us fall somewhere outside this binary outlook. I identify as part woman, part man. Seeking happiness as only one or the other wouldn't work. I think Unsure has indicated they don't want an either/or outcome. Unsure, you may want to look around the Non-binary Forum and see if anything there resonates with you.

Hugs, Devlyn

First thing you should do with tests like that is ask "does this test measure whether I am masculine or feminine?"
If it does, then throw it out the window.  Or, as I would do, urinate on it, burn it, feed it's burnt ashes to plants and then chop down the plants that grow in that soil. 

Being a trans woman really doesn't have anything to do with how masculine or feminine you are.  Sure, many of us are feminine, but that really doesn't mean that it has anything to do with why we transition.

Second of all, think about your body.  Think about secondary sex characteristics.  Your genitals. 
If these things make you uncomfortable then you might have dysphoria.  You could experiment with things that might show what direction you need to go.  I tried tucking my genitals so that I couldn't feel them, and everything really felt better.  Some people wear a padded bra. 
If you start to feel like you're more complete in these things then you're getting signals that maybe you should transition.  If you're questioning at all, see a therapist about it.  Questioning your gender is definitely a sign that you may be trans (most people don't question their gender). 

Quote from: Dena on August 22, 2015, 10:10:45 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. First, be careful about the test because I scored pretty poorly on them but yet I had SRS in 1982 and it was the best decision I made in my life. Had the test been available and had I listened to them, I wouldn't have had surgery.

Only you can answer this question but we can tell you what to look at. I agree that you may be some where in the middle between male and female but for the most part we all are. When I became a woman, I brought a good deal of what I was before with me. What you really need to decide is would you be happier in life as a man or a woman and then work from there.

I suggest you you go to youtube and request "the transition channel" which can help you determine if what you feel is transsexualism. If you don't see yourself in the series, then you are more middle of the road. If you do see your self, then you have a name that you can apply to yourself.

Confusion is very common at this point in the game because there are advantages to remaining in the male role but we have the feminine drive within us that can't be ignored. Where ever you end up on the spectrum, you will find others on this site that are like you. This site may appear transsexual but there are many who have found a happy place without surgery.

Good luck exploring your feelings and if I can provide any additional help, post to this thread or PM after you hit 15 post.

Thanks for feedback! I know tests on the internet have to be treated with caution. I would never make such a decision based on a questionnaire. I understand this is a complex problem and has to be consulted with specialist.

I checked out that youtube channel and it was more than helpful. I realised, i might be suffering from gender dysphoria. I am just not feeling right when i look at my body. I really dont like my broad shoulders, body hair, facial hair, sharper face, my narrow hips and i enjoy the idea of having a vagina. As i said before, i also dont like to be seen as a male. And i dont feel male.

I have to strongly agree with you about the confusion. There are some advantages of staying as a male and it would  definitely be easier. I remember, that i have done some things to be as manly as possible and didnt allow myself to enjoy certain things, because they werent manly enough. Also my vision of my perfect male self is quite extreme and it proves my intentions to escape from my real self by doing the exact opposite. I always had the urge to do what is expected of me as a man to protect my secret, because i was really scared and ashamed for it. I also tried to ignore and bury the woman inside me. Last time i tried to do that, it worked for about a month, then i impulsively bought some pretty clothes and a pair of pumps (lol).

Now all i need to do, is to find a way through. I need to come out to my parents, get started on HRT and start transitioning. I know, i have to stop overthinking and just do it. In the worst case, i can always detransition. I am also very curious how am i going to turn out, and if i will finally feel atleast slightly better when i get on hormones. Getting the money for all the procedures is not going to be easy, but i am pretty sure it will be worth it. For now, i can already let my hair grow.

By the way, i am smiling right now. Just the idea of finally becoming free is awesome. Staying in closet was a huge burden for all the years. Just the idea of not having to do everything in secret anymore brings me joy. This is the first time in months when i feel happy.

I have another question. If i start HRT, does that mean, i will experience female puberty? I am not sure if i understood the video right. But from what i understood, you will have a second puberty when you start taking hormones. Is that correct?

I want to apology to everyone for being impolite and not introducing myself with a name. But please, let me explain. I knew i should say my name before i posted this topic, and i am aware it wasnt polite. There is a reason why i still did it this way. It is because i dont like the name that was given to me, i dont identify with it, i really hate it. And i havent picked a name for myself yet. When i pick a name for myself, i will let you all know. Thanks for understanding!

This might not be of much help to you.

But when you work towards one ideal or the the other you move further away from the other and this causes you distress?

Might it be better to work towards becoming a person that works towards aspects both your ideals have?
or ideals from each that dont take away from the other?

eg, you might see yourself as a woman at times, so shaving is somthing you can do to work towards that ideal, and since having no facial hair doesnt take away from masculinity i think this would cause less destress.

And you can still cuddle your partener without letting the detract from you masculinity too.

I'll speak about my life a bit, and exsplain somthing I call the love hate see-saw effect.


The see-saw effect, when the shame of feeling better about yourself for dressing female, causes me to hate myself for doing it, causing me to not do it anymore.

As a result of that I would, aspire to be a better example of male as I could, and the closer I got to this goal the prouder about my apearence I would be, but undernieth I could still see my feminine feaures and This would make that life ok for me. However I would then see the lifestyle woman share and long for that, I would hate myself for not dressing up anymore and I would start again.

This was somthing that happened to me througout my life.

What this meant for me was that I had both male and female ideals I would work for in each of these situations.
In the end what I had to do was realise just what it was about each of these ideal I was happy about.

I realised that what I liked about the male Ideal was, the prospect of being sucessful, being a person to be listened to, being respected. I also realised that In my female Ideal I felt more at home exspessing my kind, loving considerate nature.

The key for me was, realising that, I deserved to be able to have each side of that, I deserved the prospect of being sucessful, being a person to be listened to, and be respected. While exspessing my kind, loving and considerate nature.

And for me, It became clear what I wanted to be, But this wasnt untill 25 when I saw nearly no femininity showing through that male persona and realised the reason I was able to live like at disapearing.


Find out what you want fro each and work towards that

EDIT:

Quote from: Unsure on August 22, 2015, 01:03:07 PM
I want to apology to everyone for being impolite and not introducing myself with a name. But please, let me explain. I knew i should say my name before i posted this topic, and i am aware it wasnt polite. There is a reason why i still did it this way. It is because i dont like the name that was given to me, i dont identify with it, i really hate it. And i havent picked a name for myself yet. When i pick a name for myself, i will let you all know. Thanks for understanding!

Right now you are Unsure, so what can be better then that

First, don't worry about a name. We have people here known only by their screen name and we understand everybody moves at their own rate. I used my first name only because I started using in about 1978, while rare other people use the name and I don't have any plans on changing it 

When you start on hormones, there are things that they will not do. The beard will remain but some people report changes in body hair. Pretty much you are stuck with your current bone structure. Your voice for the most part will remain the same and will require therapy or surgery if don't have a feminine voice.

The good things about hormones are you develop breast but how big is anybody guess and I am small. Your hips pad out with fat as well as your face. Your skin will clear of acne and your skin will soften. As the male hormones drop in your system, some of the raw aggression in your mind will fade as well as you sex drive will be reduced.

There may be other changes you will notice as well because we don't always react to the hormones in exactly the same way. These changes take time and normally a CIS woman takes about 10 years to reach the final form but many changes appear shortly after starting hormones.

You are who you are are.

You have likes and dislikes. You have hobbies, things you like to do, and things that you hate doing. You will still be you on that level. A you that will hopefully continue to grow and evolve. So these may change some and new experiences will add to the list. You are afterall a person and remain one no matter how you present.

Trying to decide A or B is a suckers game. I've seen people ask "If you could take a pill and wake up in the morning as a woman, would you do it?" Or, the converse "If I gave you a pill and you would never have thoughts of being a woman, would you take it?" I keep on waiting for the "If I can give the entire world a pill and they will wake up in the morning and think you are a woman, would you let me?" question. That one I can answer.

Most, perhaps all, of us that go full-time wished there was some other option, after futility wishing it would all go away. I doubt anyone would recommend the trans route if you can avoid it. Hence the "Get thee to a gender therapist" mantra.

As for "Female Puberty", if you mean wild emotional swings... it could and often does happen. As well as the secondary sex characteristics. YMMV

Welcome to Susan's.

You can find a gender therapist through Psychology Today on line or call a LGBT center and ask for same.

I know several gender fluid people that go to group and my first therapist is gender fluid. It is pretty common in the queer community. You are among friends.

Please check out the following links for general site info...
   

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

good luck

I just came out to my mother. It went quite well. I thought coming out would be harder, since i dont have the best relationship with her. Cant really complain about the outcome, i just have to give it some time now.

About the beard, i dont really have a problem with that. I am 21, but i cant even grow a decent beard. It is growing very poorly for my age. But i do have a bit deeper voice, i hope i will be able to fix that with the voice therapy or eventually save up for surgery later.

Avoiding the transition? I dont think that is an option for me. I have been trying to avoid it for so long and it just doesnt work. I cant say i am 100% sure this is the right way. But i am 100% sure, this is the life experience i need to get. Whatever the outcome will be, i am sure i will choose what is the best for me to finally be happy. Even if i came back to living as a male, i wont regret having this valuable experience.

As always, thanks everyone for the support! I didnt expect so much feedback.

You still have therapy ahead of you and that will help you work through the remaining issues. Also awaiting you will be living as a woman before surgery. In my case the cross living period made it clear to me I would never want to return to the male role.

I read your first post and skimmed the rest so forgive me if this has been covered but I think you presented yourself with a false dichotomy. You can have both.

I'm unquestionably female, I originally transitioned as a child, but for various reasons it took me until I was 25 to complete the journey, however as a woman I have been a CEO, in the armed services, a high flying engineer with prestige organisations, and now a trainee doctor. I've also been fairly fit, I'm still quite strong, and yet I'm quite soft and tender, In my 30s and 40's I was a mother to two children etc... I've been both and I've proved that it can be done.

I also think those so called tests are about as useful as sticking your head down the toilet and inhaling! Anyone with a brain can rig the result easily because they are so stereotypical and based on an completely outdated and frankly offensively sexist model masculinity and femininity.

They seem to use a stereotypical soft effete gentle little prim and proper 1950's housewife as their model of womanhood, and the gruff strong repressed practical hero for their man - which is about as far away from the reality of the modern woman and man as it is possible to get.

So the only questions which really matter are these 1. do you want male or female naughty bits? and 2. do you think of yourself as male or female in your own head?

If the answer is female then transition and have SRS if not then don't - it really is as simple as that in my view, and I think there is a whole industry and community dedicated into making this far more complicated than it needs to be.

So my advice is don't overthink it - just do what makes you happy.

Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 22, 2015, 04:26:48 PM
I read your first post and skimmed the rest so forgive me if this has been covered but I think you presented yourself with a false dichotomy. You can have both.

I'm unquestionably female, I originally transitioned as a child, but for various reasons it took me until I was 25 to complete the journey, however as a woman I have been a CEO, in the armed services, a high flying engineer with prestige organisations, and now a trainee doctor. I've also been fairly fit, I'm still quite strong, and yet I'm quite soft and tender, In my 30s and 40's I was a mother to two children etc... I've been both and I've proved that it can be done.

I also think those so called tests are about as useful as sticking your head down the toilet and inhaling! Anyone with a brain can rig the result easily because they are so stereotypical and based on an completely outdated and frankly offensively sexist model masculinity and femininity.

They seem to use a stereotypical soft effete gentle little prim and proper 1950's housewife as their model of womanhood, and the gruff strong repressed practical hero for their man - which is about as far away from the reality of the modern woman and man as it is possible to get.

So the only questions which really matter are these 1. do you want male or female naughty bits? and 2. do you think of yourself as male or female in your own head?

If the answer is female then transition and have SRS if not then don't - it really is as simple as that in my view, and I think there is a whole industry and community dedicated into making this far more complicated than it needs to be.

So my advice is don't overthink it - just do what makes you happy.

You are right. I choose my own limits and i have unconsciusly limited myself. We live in a cruel world. We are constantly bombarded with trends, norms, stereotypes and rules how everything should be like. We are told what to do, but nobody asks us, if thats what we want, or if it makes us happy.

I am sure, i can still work out and stay in certain shape, while looking feminine. I am thinking about doing some yoga or pilates.

I want female naughty bits. And i cant say i think of myself as 100% female. It is more like 70% female and 30% male.

By the way, is it normal, that i feel relief and i am more sensitive? I am much more relaxed today and i dont feel anxious at all. I havent felt this good for years.

Hi Unsure, welcome to Susan's. Yes, if you got on blockers and estrogen you would experience a female like puberty. However, they can go low dose which sometimes will lesson or slow the changes. It's wonderful that you want to get your life in order first, but please don't hesitate to see a therapist sooner if needed. As Devlyn pointed out, you might enjoy the non binary part of the forum. You will able to read there stories and experiences that may help you. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hi, Unsure

We can all be who ever we wish to be. But there are some times unfair pressures placed on us all. I'm " female " but what does that really mean ? Yes I do the " girly " things. But as I interact with the world ; in my new role, I can see that we are all really just the same. We all need someone to love and some fun times. Life is good for me now Hopefully you can find a balance and find yourself.

Good luck + take care.
Paula, <3 X.

I was confused a few months ago also. This forum and the you tube "The Transition Channel" is a wealth of information and should help you decide your right path.  Hang in there it will get better.

Quote from: Unsure on August 22, 2015, 04:07:53 PM
I just came out to my mother. It went quite well. I thought coming out would be harder, since i dont have the best relationship with her. Cant really complain about the outcome, i just have to give it some time now.

Hi!!!

May I ask HOW you defined yourself when you came out to your mom? When I did it myself, I told her I had a "condition" called Gender Dysphoria, or Harry Benjamin syndrome. That's all I THOUGHT I knew about my "problem". I didn't even know that I actually was an MTF transsexual, even though when I told her I had already been of HRT for more than two years, and already had an orchi and t-shave, which I had performed on a week when they went away on vacation!

But my real point is, and I don't want to be negative by any means, that when I just told my mother, crying, she didn't know how to react and she hugged me in disbelief. Then (and I have to mention that she is a Catholic zealot) she went a couple of days later and she spoke with an UNUSUALLY OPEN-MINDED AND YOUNG Catholic priest about my "condition". Of course this guy was smart, surprisingly informed about gender dysphoria, and he advised my mother very well, on how to deal with me and my situation. So she came back from visiting him, and showed understanding and interest in helping me continue with my transition. And I was on top of the world.

But then, like a couple of weeks later, she and dad went to Catholic mass together, and had a long talk with a more "traditional" older, super close-minded Catholic priest, the type that says this stupid outdated ignorant phrase as a mantra all the time "God doesn't make mistakes", and suddenly, mom and dad, that same evening, had a go at me and said that everything I was doing by "changing my body in an ungodly way" was wrong, they repeated over and over the depressing phrase I mentioned, and, long story short, everything the INTELLIGENT open-minded younger priest told my mother, went right down the drain.

From that point on, they have opposed my transition and have never ever treated me as female, not even once, and mother says that all I've done regarding transition, is "ungodly" because I should have "consulted with God first" before changing my body etc.

Long story short, my mother's reaction was awesome at first, but less than a week later there was a 180-degree change in her mindset and now she even blames me for ruining her life emotionally, etc. but her guilt-trip will not stop me from transitioning, since for me it is either become female or die, that simple. BTW she uses this trick with my other siblings as well, when she doesn't agree with something they do (like when one of my siblings got married recently, without doing it in a Catholic ceremony).

I told you my personal experience just to brace yourself in case your parents may be even a tad bit similar to mine. Be prepared for a possible sudden change of heart from them. If it does happen, you know  where to go, to seek for REAL support (places like here at Susan's and other TG-friendly places or support groups, where you will have friendly and understanding advice or opinions, from people going through very similar ordeals).

That's all I wanted to share. I have to tell you though, that in spite of the endless battle with my folks and even my siblings to a lesser degree, and some part of society that is close minded as well, I am doing WAY BETTER NOW than before I started transitioning. Anger and hate are almost completely gone. Things like road rage, cursing frequently, being bothered easily by lots of things, are almost completely non-existent issues for me now. Yes I still have some depression and extreme frustration episodes but the fact that I am no longer an angry person is really awesome. And I can be me as well, without being ashamed of it like I was before!!!

Good luck with WHATEVER you decide to do! And always aim for being happy and at peace with yourself, because when you achieve those things, even close-minded folks start seeing that positivity and happiness aura in your whole being, and even if their outdated stigmas fight against it, they start realizing you are actually a nicer person than before, because now you are your real self.

Sorry for the long text. I just cannot help myself when I get a bit emotional. Have a great day!

Cheers

Bibi B.

Quote from: Unsure on August 23, 2015, 07:20:32 AM

You are right. I choose my own limits and i have unconsciusly limited myself. We live in a cruel world. We are constantly bombarded with trends, norms, stereotypes and rules how everything should be like. We are told what to do, but nobody asks us, if thats what we want, or if it makes us happy.

I am sure, i can still work out and stay in certain shape, while looking feminine. I am thinking about doing some yoga or pilates.

I want female naughty bits. And i cant say i think of myself as 100% female. It is more like 70% female and 30% male.

By the way, is it normal, that i feel relief and i am more sensitive? I am much more relaxed today and i dont feel anxious at all. I havent felt this good for years.

So...I can only speak for me, not for you here, but you may find some kind of help in this:

A.) Androgynous is often enough to be transsexual.  As many have said, any test that is measuring your "femininity" should be outright disregarded.  None of us are the same, and how we act outwardly isn't what is making us transsexual.  Transsexualism comes from a feeling of unnacceptance to your body...I'd describe it for me as an uncontrollable rejection of what's going on.  I'm not sure you have that.

B.) In my example, I was a comic book and video game nerd before I figure out I was trans, and I remain a comic book and video game nerd.  This is not going to change as both aspects are aspects of me.  I collect transformers, can beat everyone I know in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, have beaten every final fantasy at least once and have strong opinions on which is best(FF6!  SCREW FF7!!!!) and also am beginning to explore and enjoy makeup.  None of these things actually means I'm trans.

C.) Part of the reason it's taken me a long time to transition was self rejection and doubt.  When I was a teenager I thought that these thoughts were wrong because I hung out in a christian church and had parents who rejected LGBTQ as sick and psychotic.  When I hit my 20s and was living on my own, the process of ostracizing myself was excessively scary and I figured I'd never be "the girl I saw myself as".  Finally, in my late 20s to now, I realized that frankly, and simply, I am unhappy and had a very good idea why.  Like you, I had been drawn to girls on the playground, and enjoyed a number of "girly" things as a small child.  I was also into playing dress up with mom's clothes.  What's more, at the age of 10 I was introduced to Ranma 1/2 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranma_%C2%BD) and became obsessed with the idea of being able to just change gender.  I remember going to a karate camp and talking to this kid how I was simply "curious" about being a girl, and how it would be interesting to see the world that way.  Before we left camp he encouraged me to approach my parents, but I didn't because my mom had had a stroke and I felt it would have been selfish of me.  If there is anything I truly regret with who I am now, it's not coming out to my mom.  It would have jump started my path much sooner as I would have broken this milestone much quicker and I always thought my mom kinda knew anyway.  Being honest, fear is what held me back the most.

D.) As you can see, on some level we are very alike.  Here is my last piece of advice for you, and I think it's really important.  Advancements in technology and the medical field are jumping by leaps and bounds, and experts in the field suggest that this trend will not slow down.  I think you have time to figure out if you really are transsexual, a crossdresser, gender-fluid, or gender-queer.  I think what you need to do is find a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues, and discuss with them your feelings.  Come out with everything.  I'd say your a little confused about some things because you haven't found your answers for them.  That is fine, but a good psychologist is a huge help in the next step.  I'd not consider transitioning until you can answer the question of it's necessary to yourself.  No one else's opinion should matter here.  You need to know, because it's a decision that is connected to a very difficult journey that will be even more difficult to change your mind on.  Once you begin you will experience permanent changes to your body, and in my case many of those changes are coming much quicker than I expected.

I am incredibly happy I'm transitioning.  My depression is gone, I don't care if I'll be "the girl I see myself as" because I'll be the girl I am, and I'll be honest.  I think you need to figure out if that's you, or if this feminine feeling is something that is bated by less drastic means.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong about transitioning, drastic may be misinterpreted here.  I just think it's a decision you should truly be sure of before beginning it.