please forgive me, but i have read a lot of your posts and just need to hear it for myself... i am considering coming out to my spouse.  i used to wear female lingerie (panties/sport bras, shapers) mainly undergarments and a few months ago my wife accused me of being "gay" and said if i didn't get riid of the items she would divorece me, i told her i was not, and she made me get rid of everything... so she thought.  i know in my heart i am not male, i should have been born female, i need to know how to express this to her... yes, i do wish relations with a male, but only as a female... when the time is right...and i do still wish to have relations with a female as well...  what should i do???

You already know the answer.  If you do this, you will lose her.  Most women are good to their world in that sense.

The best time to come out is before the first date. 

Be very, very, careful what you wish for...  Once you come out there is no going back.  Your life will change forever so be absolutely sure.  Before you make any decisions you should seek therapy if nothing else but to confirm your suspicions, however there may be other issues that may be revealed that may cast a different light on this.  If these are just fantasies then there are solutions/compromises but if you are TS then I'm afraid there is no cure.

Given your spouses initial reaction I believe that it's would be safe to say that you will loose her, many of us have suffered this.  Just remember this is forever.

Steph

What Steph said is pretty right on. First you do need to seek out a Gender therapist. I would go it alone for a while just to see how things work out. You need to be up front with the wife, she may leave and then again she may not. You never know. If, as you say, you think you are TS and want to have relations with a guy, then staying with the wife is not the best life either. Going out with others on a date is cheating. Why be married if you want to go out with others. See a Gender Therapist first, find out if this is you or not.
Sheila

jerigurl,
first of all. you are in a tough situation. seeing a therapist is a great idea. i can not say how much seeing one helped me. what you say now has the possibility to change your life. be honest with yourself and think over how you feel.

but to be honest...
i lost my long term girlfriend over this.
we started dating a year and a half ago. i told her within 2 months of starting dating that i'm TG and this is something i have been dealing with all my life. but the problem for me was that i down played it, so to keep the relationship going.  but really for me, this has been burning inside me for all my life.

Eventually it got to be too much. My GF and me decided that i should see a therapist. Actually i got to credit my GF more with that. if it was not for her, i would have never seen one.
based on what the therapist said and how i felt, we decided that it was not fair to either of us to be in a relationship together. I needed the freedom to be myself. she wanted a husband to give her 3 kids.

this was a tough decision to make for both of us. that was about a 2 months ago, and it still hurts.

As others have said, considering her threat, you'd best be really, REALLY sure of who you are and where you're heading before you tell her anything. And a gender therapist is probably you're best bet for figuring that out. Maybe you'll discover that if you had the freedom to wear the lingerie whenever you want, you wouldn't feel a need to transition... and in time, she might be OK with it.

Deception though, such as lying about getting rid of the clothes, or even seeing a therapist behind her back, will inevitably come back to haunt you. You'll ruin whatever sense of trust she may still have.

IMHO, she deserves to know the truth about you so she can make an informed decision about the rest of HER life too. Just be sure you know what that truth is first.

~Kate~