I'm about to seriously start b#$%^&* here, so this might sound really negative(and its actually out of my character to be this way most days).

I am so sick of the situation I so blindly placed myself in. I hate the fact that I am a 26 year old guy who's never owned my own $hit. Like as far as a home, a car, you know, stuff that all independent-oriented adults want sooner or later in their lifetime.

I became so crippled by things like social phobia/anxiety, depression, ocd, avoidant personality disorder, agoraphobia, bipolar disorder, like every damn thing under the sun, that I medically was not ever able to work, let alone function in public around others.

I just really up here. I mean, I went from living with my pops, to his ex-wife(where I suffered a lot of abuse), back to pops(suffered more abuse), with my mom(more freedom here but not great), back to pops, back to my mom, with a sister(who abused me also, but financially), and now back with my pops. I don't know why the hell I go back to my pops so much, cause he makes me so irate. Dealing with him is like trying to take a $hit that refuses to come out cause its so rock hard. And that is what he is. He is as stubborn as a rock. And I feel so constipated, so to speak, while puttin' up wit' 'im.

To top it off, he wanna get back wit' his wife(not my mom). Which means she may move back in wit' us. More people to me, in a household, means more avenue for drama and I hate that! That is one reason I got away from my sister(and we no longer speak to one another). His wife ridiculed and criticized me about how my face changed, which at the time no one knew it was because I was having on-set flare ups of lupus nephritis(and this eventually led me to be put on dialysis). This was back in '09. Yet recently, his wife and I began to bond and much to my surprise, his wife believed that he was very jealous and that was the real reason he literally forbidden me to even see her anymore. All I could think is, "What a total a$$ crack!"

I mean the bull->-bleeped-<- reason he gave was even more of an a$$ crack. According to him, he said it was cause I told his wife something he suddenly did not want me to say to her. I just truthfully answered a question she asked about what he thought about us hangin' out, to which I replied, "He thinks its kinda weird." Which is exactly what he told me.

The fact that he got so mad from me tellin' someone else what he says behind their backs, really validates some of the ways I feel about my pops....for one he is such a chameleon. I mean, he puts on a mask in front of everyone outside his closest circles. But when it comes to me, someone he has more control over, he sheds his skin and shows his true self. What he said I guess was somethin' he really did not want his wife to know. Thing is, he never even told me that. Its like...BAM....I'm supposed to automatically adapt and mind read everything he believes, wants, or whatever. But I can't ever expect the same from him. He is so full of it...He actually told me I was the one who was so full of it one time for ordering Chinese food with the $50.00 allowance I get every month from SSI(he is my payee and I am just a beneficiary) because he would not allow me in his kitchen while he continued to juice for nearly 6 to 8 hours. I $hit you not!

My pops is such a pain in my abdomen that I so desperately wish to cut him off like a rotten out leg from gangrene. Along with anyone else who has never been anything but total negativity in my presence.

Am I wrong for this? Must I feel guilty, as if this is God's way of punishing me because I have such spiteful feelings?

I mean, my pops done told me so much that the house I stay in is his cause he pays the bills, that I do genuinely feel very homeless, regardless of any belongings I currently posses. I even think about selling them. If only I had a way to get to the places to where I would need to get to in order to sell the stuff. Heck, I even think about doing illegal activity just to survive or get to where I need to be or just in case my pops finally decides to send me packing.

I really do want to be happy so I can continue living...but....how can I when I live with a man who is the equivalent of a dictator to me no matter what I do?



Peace ya'll. I sure need some myself.....



~Nixy~

Well usualy what evolves is a kind of pattern between people... llike tey saying something along ususual lines, you saying something back also along the ususal lines...
you might try to break out of that and simply stating your needs, and possibly some emotions... not reproachful but in an understandable way...

it seems he is sometimes kind of aware that what he tells you he would not tell in other peoples presence.
You might say that. That he should be aware its not right.

You might stand up for yourself more.

Like if you want to go somewhere, do it. Maybe not discussing much, rather stating the intent and insisting. When discussing, things might get heated. It seems also they have some irrational fears. You might try to discuss a bit with normal people, maybe over the internet. There is a chat on susans for example.

Well you might step by step do some things that make you happy... maybe looking for a volunteer job, which might turn into a real job... or working part time...
or looking for an education, maybe there is a scholarship available...


hugs

Hi Laura and thank you for your comment. It was helpful. But maybe my problem is I am afraid to stand up all the way for myself.

I desire to get the balls(or courage rather) to not respond at all to him when he calls me by my at-birth name. I am very scared of him harming me or taking away some form of communication to the outside world(i.e. the internet).

There is no talkin' to this son of a dog. He is very hateful, impulsive, impatient. I mean, one time I was tellin' him some very personal feelings regarding my transgender identity on our way to Walmart, tellin' him I wanted to dress 100% as a man because it makes me feel comfortable. He got so mad he made a U-turn in traffic and could have caused a very awful accident. I mean, the smallest things make him snap like a maniac. As if he were possessed by demons.

Anyways, he has not took me shopping there since. I think he is trying to keep me from getting clothes because of that. In a little bit, I won't be able to leave the house cause none of my clothes will not fit. I often have ideation of extreme weight gain just to fit in my current clothes; most of which I really despise because they do not all reflect how I feel on the inside and were purchased based off of what is between my legs alone.

I did try to be more mindful and less emotional when talkin' to him. Even this has failed to make much of a difference. My only option is to close myself up in my room and only coming out to eat or use the bathroom. I have been up all night lookin' for work. Its all I think about now, besides transitioning(which I am now very obsessed with). I have dark circles slowly appearin' under my eyes. I feel so tired and exhausted with life. I want to give up and I really do not know why I keep on pushin' like "The Little Engine That Could.."

I dunno.....and you right, I don't have to tell him everything I am doing. My transgender discovery has made me even stronger as a person to the point where I am far more inclined to responsibility and independence than I ever was prior to such a heartfelt revelation.



~Nixy~

Well you might make a suggestion to them...
that you are simply not what they think you are...
and that this is no reason to not treat each other in an agreeable way.
Its more agreeable for both if people are nice to each other.
If other people were around they would not say many things they have said.

Don't overexert yourself. Look after yourself. Make some breaks from time to time but keep at it.

Yes... you feel more what it is that you'd want...

hugs

I'm ignorant to how SSI works, so this may not even be a thing, but is there a reason why he is the payee and you're just a beneficiary? If you're the reason for the money, shouldn't it be paid to you? If it's possible to have this changed, you should look into it.

Personal anecdote: My grandfather lived with my family up until I was 22. Google "raised by narcissists" if you'd like a picture of the kind of person he is and the experience I had living with him. By age 16, I was sick of his crap, tired of living with him, and decided to get a job to make that happen. I saved in secret for two years. I turned 18, graduated from high school, and got a second job. By the end of the summer, I had over $15k saved up. I moved out for college at the end of August, and thanks to those savings, I never had to move back home ever or speak to him ever again.

I would say the point in life that most people begin to become independent isn't when they start owning things, but when they begin generating their own income. Having your own money enables you to make your own choices about what is and isn't acceptable based on the resources that you have available. If I have $1000 per month to spend, does living at home present such an issue to me that I am willing to spend all or a portion of that to live elsewhere?

The first thing I'd do is make sure you're maximizing the benefits that are available to you. The second is I would find some way to generate income, whether that's a part-time job or going to school and living on student loans (I don't recommend it, but I've done it and it's an option in a dire situation). That way you start having options outside of staying in a situation that you don't like.

If being around people is an issue, consider looking at overnight positions. Most big box retailers have overnight stocking positions available.

Quote from: ftmax on August 23, 2015, 09:47:21 AM
I'm ignorant to how SSI works, so this may not even be a thing, but is there a reason why he is the payee and you're just a beneficiary? If you're the reason for the money, shouldn't it be paid to you? If it's possible to have this changed, you should look into it.

Personal anecdote: My grandfather lived with my family up until I was 22. Google "raised by narcissists" if you'd like a picture of the kind of person he is and the experience I had living with him. By age 16, I was sick of his crap, tired of living with him, and decided to get a job to make that happen. I saved in secret for two years. I turned 18, graduated from high school, and got a second job. By the end of the summer, I had over $15k saved up. I moved out for college at the end of August, and thanks to those savings, I never had to move back home ever or speak to him ever again.

I would say the point in life that most people begin to become independent isn't when they start owning things, but when they begin generating their own income. Having your own money enables you to make your own choices about what is and isn't acceptable based on the resources that you have available. If I have $1000 per month to spend, does living at home present such an issue to me that I am willing to spend all or a portion of that to live elsewhere?

The first thing I'd do is make sure you're maximizing the benefits that are available to you. The second is I would find some way to generate income, whether that's a part-time job or going to school and living on student loans (I don't recommend it, but I've done it and it's an option in a dire situation). That way you start having options outside of staying in a situation that you don't like.

If being around people is an issue, consider looking at overnight positions. Most big box retailers have overnight stocking positions available.

Oh believe me, Max, I know very well what narcissism looks like and its funny and ironic you mentioned that in response to my post about my pops cause I truly know he's quite narcissistic himself. I'm not sure if I said this a billion times already in my other posts. But yes, I think he is strongly this way. And once I learned what that meant I had a minor mental breakdown and became so emotionally distressed I detached myself from reality that day, felt very unreal as if watching a movie, and even missed dialysis that day and did not sleep for days! That's an even worse place to be in than I am right now.

Anyway, as always Max, you provide me with very helpful advice. Most of which I am to idiotic to even think of myself. And its fine that you're unsure about how the SSI thing works. That implies that you never needed a handout like I did. Isn't that great? Anyway, I have my dear dementia-ridden mother to thank dearly for making me the beneficiary and someone else the payee. She really pushed the whole SSI agenda on me cause, "I just can't deal with people." She was very afraid I would get more hurt and taken advantage of than I already had in the past because I became an adult who was not at all socialized as an adult. She had it court-ordered that way.

I would love to be my own payee. Its just I'm not sure how I could even begin to prove to the judge that I am competent enough to make my own decisions now and can better manage my money if given the opportunity to do so in the first place.

Was the question about the 1k a rhetorical question or a question with a real, correct answer? Yup, I'm a real dunce over here!>.< I don't really wanna try to answer that one unless you elaborate on it a bit, so I don't sound even more ->-bleeped-<-in' stupid than I already do.

Only thing I can think of trying is searching for work. I was hired to work as a bagger and before I even had a chance to start training I was relieved of the job because of a hernia I had from doing dumb a$$ perotineal dialysis(which my pops says is my fault too, whoopty-doo!). Its been removed months ago and I see no other things physically to keep me from work(other than other factors like my androgynous looks or anything to do with being so vastly 'different' from the norm). So I'm back at it, job huntin' like The Hound lookin' for The Fox........



Peace.



~Nixy~



P.S. Sorry about all the bs you had to put up with yo' granddad. Maybe in a weird kinda way he's kinda responsible for makin' you the awesome guy you are today, in that you now know exactly how not to treat others based off of how he treated you.

Is it possible for you to get in touch with a social worker. I have one. She helped me with getting on disability. A social worker will work with you to get what you need.

Quote from: stephaniec on August 23, 2015, 03:31:15 PM
Is it possible for you to get in touch with a social worker. I have one. She helped me with getting on disability. A social worker will work with you to get what you need.

Yeah I had one. She lead me into vocational rehab which was an embarrassingly ginormous epic fail.

Never...again...will..I try vocational rehab!>.<

I have another one who regularly sees me at least once a week at my dialysis center. The only other resource she gave me as far as work was a site called career source, where I did apply for a few jobs last night, in addition to losing lots of ->-bleeped-<-in' sleep(got like two hours so far ). All I do is look for work. I don't know what would happen to me(not to sound selfish in a heartless way) if my pops suddenly bit the dust or put me out cause this trans $hit is gettin' to 'im.

I don't know what to do no more. But still, that was a way cool suggestion, Stephanie. I am so glad that it worked for you and maybe it will help others....but not me. I must be cursed. WOW!


Peace and love, ya'll.....



~Nixy~


P.S. A huge factor that makes it so hard for me to communicate with my dialysis social worker is well, hot damn, she fine as hell. I feel so weird actually typin' that out. I wanna write in my diary/journal about her. Her beauty and caring nature is very distracting. *BIG OLE HEART THROB HERE!* >_<

I mean a lot of times when she talks to me I make even less eye contact with her than most people, frown a lot, talk with a deeper voice, become defensive, and cross my arms a great deal because I think those are all my signs right there that I am in puppy love with here.....->-bleeped-<-! 

Quote from: King Phoenix on August 23, 2015, 04:09:30 PM
Yeah I had one. She lead me into vocational rehab which was an embarrassingly ginormous epic fail.

Never...again...will..I try vocational rehab!>.<

I have another one who regularly sees me at least once a week at my dialysis center. The only other resource she gave me as far as work was a site called career source, where I did apply for a few jobs last night, in addition to losing lots of ->-bleeped-<-in' sleep(got like two hours so far ). All I do is look for work. I don't know what would happen to me(not to sound selfish in a heartless way) if my pops suddenly bit the dust or put me out cause this trans $hit is gettin' to 'im.

I don't know what to do no more. But still, that was a way cool suggestion, Stephanie. I am so glad that it worked for you and maybe it will help others....but not me. I must be cursed. WOW!


Peace and love, ya'll.....



~Nixy~


P.S. A huge factor that makes it so hard for me to communicate with my dialysis social worker is well, hot damn, she fine as hell. I feel so weird actually typin' that out. I wanna write in my diary/journal about her. Her beauty and caring nature is very distracting. *BIG OLE HEART THROB HERE!* >_<

I mean a lot of times when she talks to me I make even less eye contact with her than most people, frown a lot, talk with a deeper voice, become defensive, and cross my arms a great deal because I think those are all my signs right there that I am in puppy love with here.....->-bleeped-<-! 

Well but disability is another route... you might talk to her about it.

And you might really talk with her... after all she is a social worker.

Like what you feel when you are home... and how it is there...

maybe she could help you find another place if you'd like that...


hugs

Quote from: Laura_7 on August 23, 2015, 04:13:56 PM
Well but disability is another route... you might talk to her about it.

And you might really talk with her... after all she is a social worker.

Like what you feel when you are home... and how it is there...

maybe she could help you find another place if you'd like that...


hugs

I swear I'm not tryin' to piss ya'll off. I know you guys mean well, and I find all of your guys' advice extremely helpful, I do! I mean this. But damn that "but," cause it always puts a damper on things.

Laura, I wish I were not on disability. It sucks to have a label. That is right, I currently do receive SSI and have been getting it since I was 18 years (I'm 26 now). It sucks because I am only the beneficiary and my pops has been made payee because its been court-ordered for me to assign the role of payee to someone other than my damn self.

I feel so...owned by him. Like my existence is through him alone and that I am not my own separate entity. That's such a ->-bleeped-<-ed up way of thinking, that I would have been classified as medically "insane" in like the 1800s or some $hit.

I already tried to ask her for help with housing before to no avail. I asked again a couple of days ago after several months from the first time. I'm sure the same results that turned up from her then(which all were useless) will repeat themselves.

Its as though my destiny was pre-ordained by the gods themselves to absolutely, completely, TOTALLY SUCK!>.>


Sorry for my rant. Things are so bad for me that I can't even hear my stomach snarl from hunger most times!



~Nixy~

Look... you can try to put to work what was talked about...

don't concenrate on what you don't like...
concentrate on what you like...

a clear picture of yourself having full access to your ssi...
and being free...

don't doubt...
then see what opportunities come up, and take them...

you might talk to her about the order revoked...
its possible she knows someone more knowledgable on that...

just work on it, and talk to people...