Thanks ya'll for tryin' to help me feel better. But really this ain't no big deal, anyway. I bet lots of people go thru worse than I do and are the ones who deserve sympathy. Not me. I must be a terrible person. Even when I did try out The Law of Attraction thingy that Laura mentioned in a comment, that just did not work for me long-term(one time it got me all the last generational game systems, then my pops kept them from me for a couple years, and after he finally gave them back to me they just ended up getting stolen....so yup, that's The Mighty Law of Attraction 'The Secret,' for ya
).
I would prefer to simply stick with forums, email, or any type of human interaction from a distance that gives some delay before the next response than an instant messaging thing, like a chat. Its never worked well for me. I am not great at thinking up of really good responses quickly and efficiently enough to type it all in before the conversation swiftly leads to another thing. Maybe I am just stupid, but I am not a huge talker. Its easier to really just listen and say nothing or even zone out, shutdown, even cut off my stimuli when being spoken to.
I am so scared of interacting with people cause I think I will offend them or they will reject me. I think now that is what happened even on this site where I thought in the chat I would feel at home. But...no. I guess people are people even if they are different from the majority.
I think I offended everyone in there when I agreed with someone that being a cook or chef or whatever is genderneutral(I think they meant genderfluid, I dunno). But I messed up after that(yeah, its always my fault according to my pops) and became very honest and blunt(which is my nature especially now that I am being more true to myself) and stated an opinion that I think upset everyone in there. I said that, however, there is still some stigma that cooking is a woman's job. Maybe its how I said it. But I assumed the word
stigma would at least imply that the statement I made was not my own opinion but a misconstrued and/or over-exaggerated perception of gender roles towards cooking. Immediately some one blurted out, "Not true, king."(I went under the same username I have here). Now, lookin' in retrospect, I regret that I did not try to be more assertive. I thought about comments I would have liked to have made but did not cause I am just so ->-bleeped-<-in' stupid!
I would have said something like, "Just because a statement I made does not agree with how you feel, does not make it invalid. And I never even said this was true or a fact. I used the word "stigma" to hint that such a statement is a damn stereotype that I do not agree with. And you should have known that when I literally agreed with your former statement about cooks being genderneutral when I simply said, 'Indeed.'"
But I will never in my life have the time to type all of that out in a chat or even say it to someone in person, cause they don't ->-bleeped-<-in' listen to me. They always cut me off midsentence and then when I am finally able to speak again, I forgot what to say and its like I lost.
This one huge reason I don't like talkin' to people in person nor on instant messaging or chats. I can actually think of what I would like to say here, I feel far more relaxed and comfortable, I feel like people listen here and do not impulsively jump to conclusions, and what needs to be said is already said right then and there cause we get time to think about what to say. Plus I can go back and edit things. Instant stuff you can't. I really hate it. For some dumb a$$ reason, I actually had the audacity to believe that it would be different here in the chat....but no....just more moderated(which is good, trust me).
I'm done with chats(with multiple people especially) and instant messaging(unless its with someone I know extremely well like my brutha or its for therapy, in other words, its beneficial and helpful).
I guess I feel kinda sad cause I had my hopes up high and believed somethin' positive would come out of it. Its like even so, I attracted the opposite of that somehow. So no offense to your beliefs Laura, but for me, The Law of Attraction or Karma or what the ->-bleeped-<- ever you wanna name it doesn't make a lick of any real sense to me. Ok?
I like the forums here. But I'm stayin' off that chat. I thought they was bold as hell to just cut me out of their discussion like that. Even after I said I needed to sleep cause I been awake since 6pm last night until 10am this morning, they just dissed me like the last kid that has to get picked on a team for a ball game or some $hit like that. Everyday I feel more and more like a cynical misanthrope.
Honestly I feel so hurt by this. Because I thought this would be different and its not. Its like I have to still lie to people just so they won't get offended and stop talking to me.
The only way for me to be free I think, is to be alone, where I can always be me no matter what. The only creature in this world who seems to love me unconditionally(even after all the times I verbally and even a lil' physically took my anger out on her) is my pop's dog. Trust me, I feel like the biggest pile of $hit from doing those things, but I assure you it was a rarity. And I hate blaming others for my actions, but I was raised in a very abusive household. Understand? And I do believe that children who were/are abused are far more likely(not all of them though) to do the same to others, including pets. And I am very ashamed and guilt-ridden even more by it, because this dog will cuddle up with me and lick me and be happy when she sees me. She brings tears to my eyes even now because I think of her and say, "She is more like the true definition of a Christian than most people who claim to be one."
In other words, she never judges me, criticizes me, scoffs me, yells at me, shuns me, or anything that every person I have ever known has done to me.
I used to dream of becoming a jungle boy like Mogli from
The Jungle Book and how great it would have been to be raised by wolves. I swear wolf packs have a better bond and unit than these dysfunctional a$$ families with people in 'em! I wish I could run away into the mountains, the jungle, the forests and live life very similar to what is presented in the
Donkey Kong Country videogame series. I used to(and still do) wish I was Blanka from the
Street Fighter videogame series. I now have inspiration from this very paragraph to write a fictional journal of my experience(s) as a feral child. Being lost in this false reality makes me feel more real than unsuccessfully attempting to be a part of my actual $hitty reality where I am constantly misgendered and referred to by my old at-birth name and hardly pass the way I would like partly because of that(I think the other part has to do with my current body and voice....basically anything physical, which is one reason I greatly desire T and SRS too!).
No wonder I love to write fantastical stories and play videogames often(even non-stop, 8 hours at a time every now and then). It takes me away from this wretched existence I was forced into. I bet even if I were granted wit' the masculine, male body of my dreams that I feel would match or closely line up with my primarily male, secondarily queer, often androgynous, in-between male and female self on the inside, I will continue to be depressed, anxious, suicidal, and might even still have low-selfesteem.
I want to go thru with my transition still, cause I know in my heart things will still be hard but not bad. I hope so......
Cause where I'm at now is a very dark place....a place I would not even want my worst enemies to be in.....a very hateful, damning, ugly, petrifying place of tearful, longing loneliness that pulls me in like a black hole in outer space....
And Laura, I sure wish those angels, beings of light, e.t.c. would take me far, far away to a better place instead of sitting there and permitting my eternal suffering on this trifflin' plane of existence I feel should never have occurred.....
If only I could really become a phoenix and fly far, far away like Jenny from
Forest Gump always wanted(aside from the phoenix part).
But she was lucky and got her wish at the end.....maybe I will too.....
Later guys....
~Nixy~
