Like a commentary of thoughts consistently telling you that you are in the wrong gender, every situation you go into my mind does a mental replay with me as the female in the conversation, Looking at women and being jealous, wishing on every birthday as I blew out my candles that I could be a girl, Guilt, depression, self loathing, inter-changing myself with whomever I was sleeping with, feeling like my body isn't mine, feeling like it was like an overcoat, I hated mirrors because every time I look into one I get a feeling of disconnect...I tried yesterday to look at myself and I just couldn't do it.
I have noticed also, as I have begun the slow process of learning to listen to myself, a number of other things I have never taken much notice of, have how now become evident. Such as, I have a reaction to being "sir'd"...it happens so infrequently that the other day when it did happen, I was focussed on something else internally, but I noticed I had an internal winch when she said it. No big deal don't care that much...maybe I do. It felt quite a normal reaction...so lots of stuff can be felt in different ways but as you can see we all seem to know one thing at least...we feel different we don't always know how but we know we do.
When I was younger I was just sad and confused, I knew I was different, I knew I was a girl and by late teens I hated my body and everything about it. I wanted dead or fixed...instead I found booze.