Hey everyone, I'm in a bit of a predictiment, after months of questioning myself and what gender I was, I finally was able to figure out and accept that I was a trans woman, and soon decided to come out to my mother and then the rest of my immediate family that I cared for knowing (which I have done, through I was outed twice), and my parents turned out to not be so accepting of me; and I have no idea what to do or how to figure them out.

To recap, I came out to my mother as transgender around two weeks ago, and she initially appeared to be "supportive" upon my initial sending of the Facebook coming out message, saying that she just needed time to figure out her feelings; and I initially respected this and kept my distance. Since then however, things have gone completely downhill.

It all began three days after that, when I decided to come out to my father - upon attempting to do this however - my father informs me that my mother had already outed me to him, in hindsight I should have expected this, but in the heat of the moment that night I couldn't control my temper and ended up lashing out through the sending of a nasty private Facebook message to my wall that only my mother could see. She ended up seeing it, and that ended up triggering a fight between me and my parents, both of whom then proceeded to repeatedly try and invalidate me and tell me that I was "too young", "too confused" and "too inexperienced" in life to know what my feelings really meant (a bunch of hogwash, I know), my mother also told me that she wanted to blow her brains out or move away because of this, that I was the unfair and selfish one in this who made a "decision" without "consulting everyone else and their "feelings"; and that I was "murdering" her son and that I was a "new" person she had no feelings for and didn't know.

Since then, whenever the topic of me being transgender has come up, it has caused both me and my mother to lash out and fall into bitter fighting, my mother has continued at every turn trying to invalidate me at every chance she can get and has continued to accuse me of lying, or being too young or too confused to truly know about these things; or even brainwashed by people on the internet (particularly, this site) at the most volatile. She constantly says things like she can't believe that I am trans because I still like "boys stuff" (like cars, war and sports), haven't expressed any "visible signs of distress" (I was deeply closeted for the long time, and still don't feel comfortable or have the ability to change much in the way of how I do things or how I act, but I still am not sure what she means by this), only started talking about it "recently" (due to research she read that apparently told her that most transgender people know by the time they are four, which is obviously bull->-bleeped-<-, she seems to be under the impression that this happened overnight), and because I don't have the best hygiene (fair point on it's own, and it's partly because of my uncomfortableness with my body and touching it, and the pain my damaged gums feel when I brush my teeth, but it has nothing to do with the gender stuff) and pretty much every invalidating thing you could even think of; even to the point of calling me the selfish one and saying that I am "murdering" her "son" even through I am still essentially the same child she knew and loved before I came out to her.

Yet... she's cut down on her usage of male pronouns and the "Uncle" title in front of my nephew and nieces (who with their parents live with us temporarily right now) and said she did it out of respect for me, she's also said she feels guilt over using my male birthname, and has expressed worry about me due to the high amount of violence against trans women that has been going on lately; my father hasn't sp

So really. what is going on with her (or even him)? I can't figure her out; can anyone help?

Sounds like what I'm going through right now with my own family right down to the initial positive reaction followed by the downward spiral. I've been blasted from all sides by family and only by family in ways I never knew they were capable of.

I don't know about your father because you didn't really mention what happened with him, but your mother sounds like she's just going through the stages of grief. The fact that she's sort of coming around is promising too. I personally think she just needs some time and it's probably also a good idea to invite her to a therapy session or more.

I don't know the context of the fighting with your mother, but that's one thing you can control in this situation, your own temper. If you can approach her in a more laid back fashion, she may be less apt to lash out. There's nothing to argue about. If you know who you are, there's no reason to argue about it in my opinion, even if the other person is wrongly accusing you of not being you. Anger just makes you miserable. Anger only hurts yourself.

Quote from: Emileeeee on August 23, 2015, 09:22:24 PM
Sounds like what I'm going through right now with my own family right down to the initial positive reaction followed by the downward spiral. I've been blasted from all sides by family and only by family in ways I never knew they were capable of.

I don't know about your father because you didn't really mention what happened with him, but your mother sounds like she's just going through the stages of grief. The fact that she's sort of coming around is promising too. I personally think she just needs some time and it's probably also a good idea to invite her to a therapy session or more.

I don't know the context of the fighting with your mother, but that's one thing you can control in this situation, your own temper. If you can approach her in a more laid back fashion, she may be less apt to lash out. There's nothing to argue about. If you know who you are, there's no reason to argue about it in my opinion, even if the other person is wrongly accusing you of not being you. Anger just makes you miserable. Anger only hurts yourself.

There isn't much to say about my father, since me and him haven't talked about my gender and the stuff relating to that since the initial fight occurred (admittedly he works all the time, so I haven't had much of a chance too, and I don't want to budge and force the issue lest I risk angering him accidentally).

As for my mother, that's what I have thought myself - through the extremeness of her reaction to all of this (such as the fact that she accused me of "murder" and said that she wanted to kill herself over all of this leaves me uneasy about what she may be really feeling on the inside of her mind), the fact that she has been trying in some way to try and respect me is somewhat promising, but it just adds to my confusion, as her behavior over this is so "bi-polar" (for lack of a better term, I don't mean to offend by using it; apologies in advance if I do for anyone) that it's hard to gauge how she is feeling in truth in her mind; and what is just and act for me. Part of me does think that she may legitimately feel like she's lost a child as a result of my coming out; which would explain her nasty reaction to all of this; as she herself has admitted she doesn't understand any of this (as well as admitted that she sees me as a whole different person now; even through I am just a girl who knows more about herself now; she can't grasp that yet).

As for the context of our fights, they've been really nasty, and I haven't been very nice. I have a really bad temper and I get defensive quickly when I feel like I am being attacked, so I probably haven't helped her opinion of the situation by that.

As for the advice about taking her to a therapy session, that's a no-go right now; as I don't have one.

Part of me d

How old are you? Do you rely on them for financial support? do you live with them?
{edit}
Nevermind, I saw you said you're 17 in another post. Don't worry about what anyone thinks or says. That's their life, its their business. For as long as you're a child in their care, you are there business too.  Your life is your business, focus on that, not them. Start saving hard. get money, get your own place, go share an apartment with other young people, leave town, do something that shows you know what you're doing and you don't need them.

Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 10:26:39 PM
How old are you? Do you rely on them for financial support? do you live with them?
{edit}
Nevermind, I saw you said you're 17 in another post. Don't worry about what anyone thinks or says. That's their life, its their business. For as long as you're a child in their care, you are there business too.  Your life is your business, focus on that, not them. Start saving hard. get money, get your own place, go share an apartment with other young people, leave town, do something that shows you know what you're doing and you don't need them.

I want and plan to try and get out of the house and get out on my own, but it's harder then it sounds for me, as I literally don't have a single friend in real life (no, I am not exaggerating, I legitimately do not know a single person that isn't related to me or living in my house, and no one who can help me in the way that a friend could), I am homeschooled (so I need to get my GED, which I plan to), I have health problems, which limits my ability to get a job and earn money, and I can't drive; so I am completely and utterly dependent on my parents for every single thing in my life; and I can't get out of the house without their help.

I've asked my dad to teach me how to drive, and my mom says that she and him will work out a time, but he works two full time jobs and doesn't have alot of free-time, so it's debateable whether that time will ever be made or found. and they both say they have no plans to impede on my choices, but they also believe I am never moving out too.

I can't, I can't, I can't.......

Nobody ever got anywhere thinking like that. Put on your big girl pants and take your life in your hands.

I couldn't drive until I was 27. Didn't make a difference. Get your backside down to as many recruitment agencies as you have in your area and register. Kitchen work, Road work, construction work. There's a million low skilled jobs you could be doing. "Health problems" can be worked around.

Nobody is going to help you. In the real world, very few people care what happens to you. You need to take control.


This dude wrote several books, is a Professor at a mjaor university, and changed the way we understand reality.


You don't need to redefine physics.. just get a job and get out on your own.

Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 10:52:59 PM
I can't, I can't, I can't.......

Nobody ever got anywhere thinking like that. Put on your big girl pants and take your life in your hands.

I couldn't drive until I was 27. Didn't make a difference. Get your backside down to as many recruitment agencies as you have in your area and register. Kitchen work, Road work, construction work. There's a million low skilled jobs you could be doing. "Health problems" can be worked around.

Nobody is going to help you. In the real world, very few people care what happens to you. You need to take control.

I know that I have to take my control of my own life and find my own path to independence and happiness, but I am not exaggerating or kidding here when I say I have problems that limit my opportunities or ability to act. Those health problems I mentioned, they are a serious heart defect I've had major surgery to repair twice in my life and a serious and ultra-rare leg condition (this one in particular http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/parkes-weber-syndrome) - and I am out-of-shape physically on top of all that, all of which means I can't do any jobs that require alot of standing or walking around, or much significant physical activity in general - at least without straining or hurting myself, I also live in a relatively rural village area without "recruitment agencies" or much in the way of job opportunity for someone like me; so I have to learn how to drive now.

Ok, well instead of looking at all the things you can't do, or why things are so hard, perhaps you could think about the things you can do, and ways to make hard things easier? Break large problems down into smaller components. Is there a pool in your village? Start swimming, get healthy. Buy a bicycle (if your leg condition allows it)

Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:07:25 PM
Ok, well instead of looking at all the things you can't do, or why things are so hard, perhaps you could think about the things you can do, and ways to make hard things easier? Break large problems down into smaller components. Is there a pool in your village? Start swimming, get healthy. Buy a bicycle (if your leg condition allows it)

There's a pool in the residential complex that I live in, but you need a key to get into it, and my mother's never going to give it to me (she wouldn't trust me to be alone, and she won't randomly take me the pool either, and I am not going to hop the fence and risk getting in trouble), and I don't know how to ride a bike either, and probably wouldn't be able to anyway because of my leg condition and uneven height and body weight.

Honestly, I don't think you should attempt to transition just yet.  I think you need to get healthy mentally first. Transitioning is very hard on you. You don't strike me as having the emotional fortitude quite yet. 

Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:21:12 PM
Honestly, I don't think you should attempt to transition just yet.  I think you need to get healthy mentally first. Transitioning is very hard on you. You don't strike me as having the emotional fortitude quite yet.

Umm... am I supposed to take that in a good way? because I feel very offended right now.

In response to your assertion through, I've heard it's mentally hard on you to transition, but being forced to live a lie by continuing to live as male is even harder on me, I don't want to wait any longer then I absolutely have to to transition; cause the longer I am stuck in this curse the more I am in pain mentally.

You can choose to be offended, it makes little difference to the advice I've given you. Now, call up your dr, and ask to be refered for some therapy.

Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:31:46 PM
You can choose to be offended, it makes little difference to the advice I've given you. Now, call up your dr, and ask to be refered for some therapy.

I unfortunately don't know my Doctor's number (and part of me doubts that a cardiologist or skin doctor at a Children's Hospital has contacts for this sort of thing anyway), and I would have to tell my mother about it anyway if I did that; and she would most likely refuse to take me since she thinks I am lying or confused anyway.

My psychologist gave me some great advice when I was coming out.

"Remember how long it took for you to come out. Give your family that much time to accept you and you will probably be pleasantly surprised."

The point was clear. People, especially those closest to you, need time to wrap their heads around this. It is a time to give them space and time to come to terms with this new information.

You can't just expect them to flip a switch.

This stuff takes patience, and you have to be very forgiving while they work it out. If you are confrontational it tends to backfire.

You are a minor who lives under their roof. This is an adult decision you have made. You will need to keep making them.

Quote from: Tori on August 23, 2015, 11:46:20 PM
My psychologist gave me some great advice when I was coming out.

"Remember how long it took for you to come out. Give your family that much time to accept you and you will probably be pleasantly surprised."

The point was clear. People, especially those closest to you, need time to wrap their heads around this. It is a time to give them space and time to come to terms with this new information.

You can't just expect them to flip a switch.

This stuff takes time, and you have to be very patient and forgiving while they work it out. If you are confrontational it tends to backfire.

Yeah, I get that, it took me months to come to terms with all of this, I can't just expect them to do so in a matter of days, but when they are all I have, when I have no friends to turn to as a shoulder to lean on or someone to comfort me; it makes the whole thing of having your parents at best look at you as a freak and at worst accuse you of murder or lying that much harder.

I could have been less confrontational and tempery with everything, and I probably should have, it's just hard sometimes since they are all that I have, and I have never had the best control of my temper when I feel attacked as it is; so it lead to a recipe for disaster.

It is VERY hard, these first few steps. Most of us here understand this full well.

A Zen like approach has a higher rate of success than one of impatience, blame and confrontation.

I am here for you.

Thanks, what you said makes sense, and I appreciate the kind words.

The best I can think to do right now is to just not bring up the subject with my parents for a while, maybe try to find a way to express my femininity subtly (like growing my hair out or maybe wearing a bracelet or something), and work on getting independence and getting out of the house.

Bingo!

Remember: It is called transition. This is a journey. It does not happen overnight.

Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 12:03:41 AM
Bingo!

Remember: It is called transition. This is a journey. It does not happen overnight.

Of course, but the end of the journey's road is worth it to make the trip down it.

For some of us, the journey never ends...

So there is no harm in learning to enjoy the journey too.

Some other things you can do?

Contact any and all LGBT centers in or near your community. Any college nearby should have one as well, and they tend to help anyone in the community. They can give you resources and information. Ideas of what you can do for yourself and for your family. They may offer support groups as well.

And, this is important... study up about your medical options, since you will be on transitional medication for the rest of your life if you choose to take hormones, and sometimes you may have to teach your doctor a thing or two.

When you feel stuck, the best thing you can do is find a way to make even the smallest of progress and often it is hard to know where to look, especially when you are starting. That is why we are here. Some day, you will be helping someone in a situation much like the one you are in right now.