Before I came out to myself, I used to feel "sad" all the time. It was a hopeless and empty feeling. Like being dead while still having to functuon. It was terrible, and I'd wish it on nobody.

Today, I feel sad, to the point of being weepy at my desk.  But it is a categorically different kind of sadness. It's textured by love and hope. It isn't a happy feeling, but it is recognizably beautiful. I don't mind this so much.

I'm sad because I'm seriously contemplating coming out to my parents this week. The myriad of reactions I'm conjuring are making me want to cry, with fear and hope. I don't know if I've ever felt this in tune with my emotions. Even if they react badly, I can't trade this clarity for their approval.

TamorTom,

Yes, a different kind of sad and or depression.

That was a huge thing for me after accepting and coming out to my SO.

I have mentioned in other posts that it was just being sad. Normal sad. Everyone gets those blues. What a relief it was to me. That and as you say being more in tune with emotions and not just locking them up.

I am sorry for the stress you are going through heading into this week end. I hope it goes well. It does take some people longer to process than others. So, even if the initial reaction seems really strong and may be read as negative, it may shift.

I wish you luck, love and understanding.

Joaana

Quote from: TamorTom on August 25, 2015, 09:46:18 AMIt isn't a happy feeling, but it is recognizably beautiful.

That sentence really spoke to me. I know exactly what you mean, and that's a fantastic way of putting it. I was speaking to my friend at the weekend, and he didn't understand how I could feel sad or stressed about this when good things are happening. And good things are happening, they're just now happening *now*. I understand so much more about why I get depressed, and that's good at times. There are just also times when it gets too much and being able to properly explain the feelings to myself makes them that much worse. I'm just trying to hold onto the moments when I think about what things will be like a way down the road and get excited. It's nice to be excited about the future for once .

I hope things go well with your parents . I know it's far easier said than done, but try not to stress over it too much. It's good to see you say you wouldn't trade your clarity for their approval; hopefully they'll recognise that conviction and react to it well.

Last night was not good, and it doesn't bode well for my continued relationship with my dad. I didn't come out, but I got a taste of the transphobia that lives in him. Serious trigger warning.

My mum has been in Las Vegas the past few days, and returned home last night. She told us some stories about her trip. She went to see Menopause the musical. She thought that one of the performers was a transwoman. When she mentioned this, my dad perked up and asked "What would she know about menopause." Then he corrected his pronouns to something dehumanizing. It shocked me, and I wanted to say something, but I was afraid I'd out myself at a very tense moment. The moment passed and I ended up leaving shortly thereafter. I started crying the second I left, and couldn't stop for half an hour. I wanted to claw his face, and I felt like a coward for not saying anything. Mostly, I just hurt.

My sister was keyed into what I was feeling though, and that helped some.

I don't know how he said it, but if he was joking around about it, remember that people are usually half serious when they say something in jest, so it could go either way.  And what we make fun of may not neccessarily represent how we truly feel, but we sometimes say what we think others want to hear so that we can make them laugh and gain acceptance.

Granted, your father's probably over playing childish social games like that, but it's a thought I had...

I'm so sorry either way!

Your profile say's you're 28, do you still live with your parents, or do they have direct control over any aspects of your life?  If not, then don't be so afraid of the fallout.  It was difficult when my father disowned me at first, but I have been happier since then.  He didn't play any sort of major role in my life when I told him though, so I wasn't really losing much day-to-day.  My mother is in shambles and still on the fence.  She'll come around in time though.

Quote from: KristinaM on August 26, 2015, 11:29:02 AM
I don't know how he said it, but if he was joking around about it, remember that people are usually half serious when they say something in jest, so it could go either way.  And what we make fun of may not neccessarily represent how we truly feel, but we sometimes say what we think others want to hear so that we can make them laugh and gain acceptance.

Granted, your father's probably over playing childish social games like that, but it's a thought I had...

I'm so sorry either way!

Your profile say's you're 28, do you still live with your parents, or do they have direct control over any aspects of your life?  If not, then don't be so afraid of the fallout.  It was difficult when my father disowned me at first, but I have been happier since then.  He didn't play any sort of major role in my life when I told him though, so I wasn't really losing much day-to-day.  My mother is in shambles and still on the fence.  She'll come around in time though.

He wasn't joking as far as I can tell. He's always been a bigot, especially about sexually and gender. Trans issues aren't discussed often, and this is the first time I've been exposed to his toxicity since I came out to myself.

I'm not financially dependant on them, but my sister and her husband are. They live with my parents for now, and I'm treading carefully to avoid any fallout that may jeopardize their living situation. Its coming to a head, so I can't protect them for much longer, but I'm trying while I can.

My dad is a bigot as well, but he hides behind the hypocrisy that is his "Christianity" by saying that God didn't make anybody gay or trans, and that we're all just as screwed up as child molesters and murderers and rapists, so yeah...  We're contributing to the spiritual and moral downfall of America apparently.  So, I get where you're coming from.

Still, I'm so sorry to hear it though. 

Don't feel that your actions would alter your father's feelings toward your sister and her husband, unless he plays the card of, "did you know about this?" or "do you agree with this?" on them.  That might put them in a sticky situation I suppose.  Still, it's not like they're going to (or would need to) stand against him on this topic, they're not the ones making this choice, you are.

It's a tough situation for sure, easy enough for you, but I can understand the hesitancy to possibly hurt your sister's situation.  Even still, the choice to face your situation head on should never be seen as "wrong".  All you're seeking to do is help yourself cope with the hand you've been dealt.  You shouldn't force yourself to live in a misery derived from a medical condition just so that others can keep their heads in the sand and go on living life without a clue about something that may possibly make them angry or sad.  Telling them may not be "fair" to them, but not telling them isn't "fair" to you.  In the end, you are the master of your own life, nobody else.