My first appointment is Wednesday and when I scheduled my appointment I just kind of looked for anyone in my town who lists transgender issues as a focus area. I found a LCSW with a private practice and just sent off an email because I was collapsing with my thoughts. Well after getting the appointment I've been reading up on her and she has some impressive credentials on the Trans front. She actually runs a group for adolescent trans folks. And she practices just down the road from me. A distant jog from my front door. I'm really hopeful that she can just help me work through my dysphoria. I'm not sure if her credentials would get me where I eventually need to go but I have a good feeling about it.

I've done therapy on 2 other occasions for my death anxiety. I actually came out to a therapist when I was 18 and I could tell she was completely out of her depth and that just made me clam up and dive back for the safety of my closet. The second time I was hospitalized for a panic attack over my death anxiety and saw a therapist for about 4 months. I almost came out to her but something held me back at the time, I was also still very seriously in denial. My wife thinks I'm seeing this therapist for my death anxiety again, and I haven't actually confirmed that but haven't denied it either.

I really think I'm going to show up and if she is nice and professional, I'm going to pour my heart out. I am so sick of being whatever it is that I am right now and its time to get going or get left behind forever.

Good luck, I hope all goes well. Hugs
Mariah

I had forgotten about this post. I love love love my therapist. She's as good as it gets in my area as far as I'm concerned. She has the qualifications and the vocabulary and I sensed it immediately. I poured my heart out to this woman, crying almost the whole time. I told her about my previous therapy experiences and told her in no uncertain terms that I'm in this to whatever end I need and she replied back that she knows she can get me where I need to go.

We were only scheduled for 50 minutes but she let me run 20 min long. We already had a follow up appointment for 3 weeks out but she didn't want me to wait that long and actually scheduled me again the Friday after next on her day off.

I won't get into what we talked about as that's personal but she was wonderful with me.

I just finished my 3rd session. The therapist has been working with me to open up with my wife, which I have trouble doing. Today she pointed out that what I keep saying to her and what I keep saying to my wife are 2 different things and that at some point I need to match the two of them up or I will continue to be miserable. She's right of course. We talked a lot about my parents and my dad and how upset he makes me sometimes and how there is not much closeness there.

I also told her my femme name and she asked me if I would like her to call me that during future sessions and I answered that I would. As I was getting up to leave, she said "Good job today Katelyn, we'll get through all of this." It was........ magical. To finally have someone else say my real name. I got out to my car and cried happy tears.

The most important thing that is keeping my wife and I together are those always difficult but much needed totally open and honest discussions. Just talking about important stuff was yet another talent I needed to acquire. There is a downside, the often times raw, unfiltered, emotional words that may get out. That requires being able to listen past the words and for the what caused them. To not take it as really being meant to hurt, but to get a point across. Something akin to the 2x4 up the side of the head attention getter, only more painful. If you still feel the hurt later, then bring it up in a calm discussion so as not to get sidetracked while she is trying to tell you something very important to her.

I think it was the big smile that came on my face and the warm "Thank You" my therapist got as she referred to me as Joanne handing me my next appoint card was the point when we went from "It doesn't really matter to me what name or pronouns" to yeah, it really does and not just within the inner sanctorum.

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 26, 2015, 06:59:26 PM
As I was getting up to leave, she said "Good job today Katelyn, we'll get through all of this." It was........ magical.

I remember someone saying (don't remember if it was here or IRL) that hearing your female name sounds like music. That was before I had a female name, but I thought to myself, if I had a female name, it would sound like music.

Congratulations Katelyn. It's wonderful working with someone who sees the real you.

And BTW, I agree with her suggestion about opening up to your wife.