What a strange place to be in... 3 years ago I managed to come out and finally begin to seek the therapy to share with the world all that I am, instead of merely the facade they were used to... I had hope, I had wrangled with the bureaucracy and the medical gatekeepers... I managed to maintain my position at work in a place that is very negative about LGBT people. I was finally starting to see the physical changes that I needed to see with my body.
But this was not to last. One month after I had managed to present myself to my mother and was subsequently disowned, my wife had announced her intent to leave me. This the biggest shock of my life, we had been together for over 10 years, we were each others' first and only... Every step of the way, we had taken together – how could this have happened?!
The next 7 months we were separated,and I in the effort to keep her from leaving stopped my transition. The timing was bad for both of us, I had never had a failing semester before in my life until then and my wife lost the best job she had ever had before. We both fell apart separately, and we both came to understand in our time apart what we meant to each other.
It's been over a year now since we reconciled, but even with the continued therapy, it has become increasingly clear – even as I do practically nothing to express feminine, that this dysphoria is very real, and will not go away. These feelings cannot be suppressed and ignoring them only serves to create a miasma of misery around me – functional is never as good as optimal, and the difference between them is obvious.
So now she has put her career back on track, and has been hired by a company that is among 50 most progressive companies in the US for providing transgender health care. She said knowing this was a motivator for her trying so hard to be hired by this company and she's bringing me the packets of information on our new health care. She's consented/declared that she is accepting of low dose therapy and "we'll go together from here".
Here is where things are strange. In the weeks leading up to this, my feelings of dysphoria seemed to intensify. I couldn't help but think that it was easier to ignore when I believed any treatment was impossibly out of my reach. Now that I had to consider the possibility – now that I could access the care I desperately wanted, I could not just numb myself with the usual distractions...
So I'm not exactly clear on what I feel. I feel tense with hope, yet I fear of destroying all that my wife and I have rebuilt together. I just don't know what to feel anymore, and that is the most confusing thing of all.
Thank you everyone for giving me this space to rant and of course any constructive insight from those out there would be very much appreciated.
