Unless something drastic happens, I'm going to come out to my parents tonight. My dad has some very strict ideas about gender, sexuality, and religion. Sadly, he'll get a hat trick tonight as I come out a trans, bi, and atheist (if the topic veers into religion land). Mum knows about the atheist thing, but the rest is new.

Until about an hour ago I've been alternatively terrified and sad. Now, for whatever reason, I'm wired and excited. I think its because freedom lies on the other side of tonight, whatever their actions.

I'm also planning on drinking until I can't feel feelings if things go really wrong. I'll update with the whole tale on the morrow.

Good luck, hun. Coming out to my parents was the hardest part of my transition so far. But if they love you as much as mine do, it'll go just fine even if they don't agree with your choices.

Good luck! I was terrified in the days before I told mine but on the day, as I went over to tell them, I felt weirdly calm. Just remember that usually the first reaction isn't usually the final reaction. It will be big news to them and a lot to take in. Tell them about your plans, if you have great pics of yourself as the real you it is usually useful to show them. The coming out process only starts their journey in understanding what is happening for you, be prepared to deal with it over the coming weeks and months.

Good luck Tamika. I was calm sharing with my mom, but the one who would have been nerve racking was long since dead by the time I came out.  As Grace stated, first reactions are exactly that. Often you will find out the true reaction later on after it's had time to sink in. Share what your going to be doing and why. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

My very best to you, no matter the outcome. You'll be fine.

Chin up!
Cindi

Halfway there. Mum's on board. Waiting for dad. Details later. Thanks for the advice and encouragment.

Well, I did it.

Given what everyone has told me about evolving reactions over time, I'm still cautious, but cautiously optimistic. Honestly, it went about as well as I could have hoped.

I told Mum first, explained to her my depression and anxiety over the past five years, and then I explained my discovery and what it meant. She was scared that I came so close to suicide, and sad that I didn't tell her sooner. But she told me that she loves me no matter what, and that she wants me to be happy. She doesn't love my name, and started suggesting alternatives. I'm sticking with Tamika, but I told her I'd accept one of her suggestions as a nickname, or she could use my middle name if she preferred.

Dad came home and Mum gave me a lead in. I told him the same thing I told her, leading with the hell before and closing with an explanation of dysphoria. He says that he doesn't understand, that it's so alien to his worldview that he's not sure if he ever can, but that he can accept it if it makes me happy. He also said that he loves me no matter what.

If there is one dark cloud, it's what he said afterwards. He said that I'll always be his son and that he will keep referring to me as my birth name. For the time being I'm happy that I'm not disowned and exiled, but in the long run I can't handle the misgendering. I'm going to try to work on it slowly, as time goes on. I also hope that pressure from my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and friends wears on that particular resolve. I can't say if he'll ever be fully committed to the idea of the name, but I hope to win on pronouns, especially in public.

And, I'm stone cold sober. Didn't need to drink, instead we went out for a nice dinner and played some "Until Dawn" in their living room.

Quote from: Tamika Olivia on August 28, 2015, 11:27:01 PM
Well, I did it.

Given what everyone has told me about evolving reactions over time, I'm still cautious, but cautiously optimistic. Honestly, it went about as well as I could have hoped.

I told Mum first, explained to her my depression and anxiety over the past five years, and then I explained my discovery and what it meant. She was scared that I came so close to suicide, and sad that I didn't tell her sooner. But she told me that she loves me no matter what, and that she wants me to be happy. She doesn't love my name, and started suggesting alternatives. I'm sticking with Tamika, but I told her I'd accept one of her suggestions as a nickname, or she could use my middle name if she preferred.

Dad came home and Mum gave me a lead in. I told him the same thing I told her, leading with the hell before and closing with an explanation of dysphoria. He says that he doesn't understand, that it's so alien to his worldview that he's not sure if he ever can, but that he can accept it if it makes me happy. He also said that he loves me no matter what.

If there is one dark cloud, it's what he said afterwards. He said that I'll always be his son and that he will keep referring to me as my birth name. For the time being I'm happy that I'm not disowned and exiled, but in the long run I can't handle the misgendering. I'm going to try to work on it slowly, as time goes on. I also hope that pressure from my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and friends wears on that particular resolve. I can't say if he'll ever be fully committed to the idea of the name, but I hope to win on pronouns, especially in public.

And, I'm stone cold sober. Didn't need to drink, instead we went out for a nice dinner and played some "Until Dawn" in their living room.

My best and oldest friend had a similar reaction.  I sat down a few months in and explained it hurt.  He said he didn't want to call me Amy until he met her.  I told him very simply that I am Amy now, that no such drastic change will occur.  That I will simply be me but a girl, and that my name was in actuality secretly always Amy.  I just cared enough to share that with him.

He got it...finally.  Live as the real you for awhile, and you may have some bumps, but he loves you and he is clearly trying.  It's something I think he may need to see if you get what I mean?  I was well into transitioning when I talked to my friend, and it's still awkward as heck for him, but he actually sees it now.  It's weird, but I like that he hung around long enough for it to kind a work.

Apparently the conversation was not over. I came over to go to the movies with them this morning, and was treated to a very tense conversation.

They wanted to be convinced, because they were sure that if I was dysphoric, they would have noticed. In fact, they insisted that it would have been impossible for them not to notice.

I tried to tell them that no trans person's story is the same. I may not have put on my mom's clothes or called myself a girl, but my past isn't clear of signs. I told them things from my past, little hints, but they dismissed them all as non-indicative. I told them how I felt before coming out to myself and after. They tried to chalk it up to depression, anxiety, mild autism, and a tendency to be weak willed.

They wanted me to see multiple therapists before starting any medical treatment. To convince them that this is really happening.

I said no. I told them that I am certain. More certain than I've ever been. I can't go back into the past and make the signs more clear, and I'm not going to delay treatment to prove something I already know. I told them to trust me. To trust that I know what to do with my life. That seemed to settle it, and they're trying. But this is gonna be a long process.

To my family: if you find this message. Please know that I love you, but I need people who are in the same path to talk with.

Yes, there's almost always an evolving reaction. At least they're talking about it, they will be searching for ways to come to terms with your news. The "no signs" tactic is very common. People only see what they want to see and as trans children we learn very quickly to keep our true gender identity to ourselves since expressing it in any way usually leads to retribution, mocking and worse.

Tamika I think at your age in life you have the right to determine where and how you live it. I think your parents reaction is normal maybe because they are blaming themselves and need to find evidence to support this. By you going to a therapist maybe they think you will find a magic cure or something you missed entirely and they won't be to blame (they probably think they are to blame)

I know my partner went though a time of looking for the "escape clause" by that I mean...so the therapist said <insert myth> so there fore you are just sick and if you take these pills and stand in the corner with one eye closed you will be fine...the example is silly but I think you get my meaning. It is almost like when you come out to someone they go through a grieving process...your Mum and Dad are maybe at the Denial stage. I am no expert on any of this but I am a parent and I know how it feels to have a child hurting at any age. 

Sarah T

Thanks all! I don't know how I could cope without the support from the people here.

There were a few more things that I didn't have time to write about until now. I'm gonna try to put them down now, because they've been festering most of the day, and I'm trying not to be angry. Angry won't help.

First, they do not like my name. At all. Among other things they complained that it's juvenile, sounds like a stripper's name, is not "racially" appropriate, and that they weren't consulted in the process. I told them that I would let them help pick out a name, but honestly, I like Tamika. It's how I think of myself, and I can't see myself being happy changing just to please them.

Second, there were a few pushes about my appearance. My father is absolutely certain that I'm too masculine to pass. He opined that he doesn't see how I can make a woman out of "this" (he gestured to my body). Honestly, despite the concern trolling, this one didn't bother me that much. I have rounded features, no visible Adam's apple, small hands and feet, and a relatively short stature. I'm not saying I'll ever be a model, but I think that with the right clothes and the right make up, I can pass easily.

Finally, there were numerous tactics to get me to delay HRT. Two I've talked about, regret and certainty, were of no use. I could regret it, yes, but I could also regret walking down a certain street on a certain day. I could regret NOT taking them. There was a third, more practical concern, that they voiced. I'm currently working on contract with a large corporation. They want me to wait to start HRT until I'm permanently hired there. I reluctantly agreed, but I'm not sure whether I can hold to that. It was an olive branch, and it makes practical sense, but if this were any other condition I were coping with, they would not want me to wait to start taking medication. I'm still weighing it, and I haven't even seen an endo, but if push comes to shove and the dysphoria grows unbearable, I'll start HRT even in the face of the promise.

All of it gets down to the deeper issue. They think their role in this process is bigger than I'm willing to allow. I want their support and their love if they're willing to give it, but I'm the lady behind the wheel of this car. HRT, name, passing.... it's all going to be by my hand in the end. I have to do what I know is right, even if it results in me doing it alone. That's not going to be my first option, I'm going to try to work them around, but I'm prepared to do it if it comes to that. 

Just a question,
how you know your dosage? would like to see an example of what you take
getting hormone on internet is not recommended and dangerous.
how you sure than your dosage is ok for you?


and about your comming out, give it times

Quote from: xyz on August 31, 2015, 03:42:15 AM
Just a question,
how you know your dosage? would like to see an example of what you take
getting hormone on internet is not recommended and dangerous.
how you sure than your dosage is ok for you?


and about your comming out, give it times

The dose is up to your medic and you. We are all different.

Quote from: xyz on August 31, 2015, 03:42:15 AM
Just a question,
how you know your dosage? would like to see an example of what you take
getting hormone on internet is not recommended and dangerous.
how you sure than your dosage is ok for you?


and about your comming out, give it times

I can't tell if this question is aimed at me, or if it's general. To answer it anyway, I'm not nor will I ever self medicate. I'm moving fast, but I am going to do it right.

here are some resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

Another good resource could be PFLAG.
You might talk to a few people there and ask for support, there might be a group near you.


hugs

So... uh, new development. Apparently my parents took it upon themselves to out me to the rest of the extended family. Aunts and uncles as far as I can tell, as I have no living grandparents, but the irksome part is they did it without me. I knew they wanted to have a hand in it, but I can't believe they took it upon themselves to do it without telling me beforehand.

Aaaarrrrrgggg. It looks like you are going to be busy playing catchup trying to undo the damage they might have done by telling a one side story. Most of the time the family wants to hush up something like that, mine sure did but you must have something else going on in your family. I have seen that with my neighbor where she is 2500 miles away from the family but she spends hours on the phone each day catching up with the latest gossip even when it make her really mad.
She talks so much she can run the charge down on a new iPhone in less than a day in a really strong cell signal area.

Quote from: Tamika Olivia on September 01, 2015, 10:07:53 PM
So... uh, new development. Apparently my parents took it upon themselves to out me to the rest of the extended family. Aunts and uncles as far as I can tell, as I have no living grandparents, but the irksome part is they did it without me. I knew they wanted to have a hand in it, but I can't believe they took it upon themselves to do it without telling me beforehand.

Well you might ask them why they did that... and react accordingly...
its possible they were kind of looking for reassurance that they are not really for it...
well another one might be kind of well meaning...

you have a few options...
talking to a few people who are talkative and spread it to the rest of the family, trying to convince them...
making a website with further info where they could look into...
writing a text...

well its up to you... and you might ask here for some opinions...

It makes it really difficult because they have outed you. I would write an open letter to the family and explain how you wish to explain things in your owns words with some examples and links to back up what you are saying. I would think the people who do know will have already researched it and come up with who knows what. I think you need to get you side of things out to the rest of the family asap and squash any misdirection of false beliefs based on what your parents said.

Sarah T