every time I think I have a handle on things, every time I think I might just be able to deal with my life, to improve myself, to work on my self esteem and motivation, every single time something happens that breaks me. I cry every other day if not every day, I am so stressed some days all I can do is think about my problems till there impossible to deal with, and whenever I think I have gotten something dealt with, the moment I think its behind me something else hits.

last week I was in a general bad mood, thinking too much about the future or the past but I had managed to dig myself out, I was working on getting myself in a better head space. The end of the week I even found myself smileing at work without forcing it. Then saturday came, I had my 4th laser treatment, the intensity was higher it hurt more than I expected, I felt cornered, and had a near panic attack and had to stop for a while. Plus I was thinking about the brutal costs and my lack of money which compunded the issue, in the end I found myself in the car feeling sun burned and exhausted crying and shaking knowing that I have tons more treatments to go. That night I royally messed up the cash draw at work and once again found myself so stressed I was in tears I was sure my mistake would bother me all week. I tend to dwell on things, there are mistakes I made decades ago that I still hold against myself, I cant let them go.

today I assumed would be awful, but despite less than 5 hours sleep the night before work was not bad, after work I managed to return some cloths that didn't fit, because nothing ever fits me. Then I did a bit of food shopping, got outside started my car and it started shaking and making awful noises, so once again, I am flat broke, digging into my very limited saveings, trying to deal with all my issues and my dieing car and I just cant, I am so tired of life, so exhausted, I just want to sleep forever.

I promise I wont hurt myself, but I just, i am too done to care about doing anything, I am emotionally burned out. I just feel like crying.

Serena, who desperatlly needs a break for her constant state of failure, lonelyness, and stress.

Overwhelmed does not even begin to describe my experience on this rock. A handle? What is that besides an illusion?

OK Pessimistic me. OK almost always me. As a wise old  sage once said "It takes balls to be trans.". I've been on this journey a good six years now. Ups, downs, sideways, you name it.

Obstacles are there to keep us focused. Do I worry about my wasting away dying wife or me? Do I worry about this major doubles our sales $$$ order or normal production woes? So I worry about wanting to off myself, or hang in there a bit longer?

With each and every baby step I take I know what is being put behind me. What is being cast aside. What is going to be a sore point to others.

I also know how much of my life was spent living up to others expectations. I cried most nights because of te shame and guilt. The Disappointment that is me. It takes time to loose those feelings. For me perhaps a lifetime. I hope less for you

When it comes to transition, there is one universal constant; in the beginning it is difficult and emotionally turbulent, but it keeps getting easier and more satisfying as time goes on.

weird I posted a response to this earlier but it never went through in summary the transision part is one of the least stressful parts of the equation, its the expoding cars, angry managers, messed up cash draws and other things that are getting to me the most. The trans baggage, mostly the preexisting depression, anxiety, and self hatred are a part of it but all the trans things like makeup, hair removal, building my wardrobe despite nothing fitting, even my awful hopeless voice are things I am happy to work on, Its like I set aside some stress for them and they are mostly covered, its when new things crop up that the system breaks. I also need ways to relive stress, its been bad lately, friends and my therapist have conviced me to stop doing things that cause me pain, and stress eating is makeing me more depressed due to my desperate need to loose weight. The only other stress relief method I know is illegal to do in public places and takes longer than it used to.

but ya if my transision was the only stress in my life, I think I could deal with that, its all the sudden non gender related screw ups that have hurt me lately, really I am expecting getting a new job in a month or two will be way more stressful and difficult than being myself has been. It helps that I apparently have incredible friends and family.

Serena

What Brianna said. And honestly, the hard parts make the good ones so good, and it makes us kinda badass!

Much love! <3

There are good parts? Car got fixed a spark plug exploded took them 2 hours to dig it out and cost me 200$ I didn't really have. It's 2 in the afternoon and I am going back to bed, I.can't face the day yet.

Serena

You have a job.
It adds to your stress, but not matter how small you do have a means to atleast put a little bit back into your savings. even if not as often or as much as you would like.

Those of us without a job cant do that.

But i do understand, about thinking you have a grasp of things. I thought I was ok with laser, but I wasnt, I was ok with laser as long as i could get home without being mocked. As soon as I got mocked I crumbled, I didnt want laser anymore. It was to stressful. (I wasnt mocked for anything trans)

I make a lot of progress with my life too, and its a good thing, but I have other issues aswell, My house is a complette mess, and trying to tidy it around my dad, isnt worth the hasle, But needless to say, I will be having a good day, It helps with the trans stuff, I realy do feel better that im adressing those.

But its the untidy house, the lazy dad that complains about the mess, and complains about me tidying it when I have time, and bills that get to me. I can manage them, and I Can manage my transness. But when I get a down from one, aswell as a down from the other. It realy and I do mean realy does a number on me.

But when I look back, all I was doing was addding, two managable inconvieniences togetherm and makng it one Un-managable problemb.

I can understand the increased strees at watching your savings go down, when you compare it with the constant strees and having to regurlerlay spend money on things, even more so when you relate those costs to being trans.

I have bad days too, and its hard, exspecialy when you know there is things you can do to feel better, but none related stresses remove the motivation to do them, and forcing yourself to do them has the oposite effect.

Right now, I wish I was in your shoes, because you have a job, and a car. And on those things alone I would rather be you. You can travel from place to place, in a tank, in a shield. I have to walk, because my savings are so low, Its not emotionaly viable to use public transport. And back to your job, mine? Mine is voluntery, I walk to and from work, and home in the dark, risking my life everyday, just in the hope that sombody will give me payed work. Because any amount of income would be better then none, even if it was just enough to pay travel costs for getting home.

I know its a bit nieve for me to say so, but judgin by your profile pic, I would put you down as a kind and considerate person. You look warm and welcomming. And if it was possible, I would be there with you when you was down, because it ok to cry. And I would offer up my shoulder. Holding in our tears is the cruelest thing we can do to ourself.

You said before, that all you wanted to do was cry? Its ok you know. You can do that. Its not the roll of those that are down to be strong. Its the roll of those that arnt down to be strong enough for those that are.

Hang on Serena,

Your transition obviously mean a lot to you and those overall life challenges are a crappy hassle to negotiate.  You are capable, smart and resourceful and have helped others here too.  You can flip this situation around and land back on your feet and you are worth it.  We are rooting for you!

I wish I could root for me, and holding tear in is not the problem, I cry all the time, constantly some days it seems. I can deal with the painful negitive things, I just cant deal with them hitting one after another after another every single time I take a single breath. After something happens it takes everyone some time to get over it to get back to normal, and I am still trying to recover from things months back but instead new stuff crops up and I feel like I will pop, if I could have a week without something else going wrong I might just make some headway but right now its all just too much, and most of it there is nothing I can do about it so I am left unable to act, just thinking and worrying and that drives me madder and that compounds things.

I know that if I might be able to push what I am thinking about aside for a little while and feel better but it will be back and I will still not be able to deal with it. its only monday and I just know something else will happen this week and I will be right back her complaining. and when I think about that and about how much worse so many others have it I hate myself even more.

really I have things horribly easy on the transision front, no one has ever given me trouble, I almost never hear anyone saying anything negitive, even sterotyped man's men like my mechanic dose not seem to care. I know that others get insulted, or assaulted regularly and I am absolutlly not concerned with that happening, I have no problem with public transportation, if I need to use it, I have not in a while, not that there is any directly around me I am far enough from a city that without a car getting anywhere that is not a short walk away is virtually impossible. because of that I have dumped now over 2000$ into my car in the last 30 days. Way more than I make in a month, plus laser and name change costs and a few other minor things. I spent more than 3 months pay in a month Not money I really have to spend. But I do have money so I feel awful complaining about it.

And Tessa Yes transision means a lot to me. I was never able to lie to myself, I knew I was trans at 15 I knew I needed to transision at 18...I hide afraid of what people would think i did nothing, I had no life, I took no action I just got older, fatter and uglier nothing for 16 years before I was able to bring myself to do anything and now that I am, now that there is even this remote possiblity that I might one day wake up, look in the mirror and not want to die, not hate myself it means everything to me. Even though I am trying not to focus on it.

my brain works on confirmation bias, it tells me I am fat and ugly and useless and something like this happens and it says see its true and then I spend months trying to convince myself that that was wrong. I feel bad for my therapist every months sessions are like week 1 "I am a mess but getting better taking some steps to feel better" week 2 "actually feeling sorta good not good good but compared to last week" week 3 "I found myself smileing yesterday just because I a think I am finally getting a handel on things and letting go of myself hate and self destructive habbits" week 4 "I punched myself in the head 5 times last night and want your permission to take my own life" then we go back to week 1.

Ok I have just been rambling and talking about it just reminds me of it and there still is not anything I can do to make things better, ever so I don't know where i am going with this..I really should have gone back to bed. if I just never got up today I might be able to face work tomorrow without crumbling. but I though getting up, eating and doing something productive might help...I was wrong.

Serena, who is so very sorry for involving everone in her regularly scedualed freak out.

Back when I was transitioning it was a blessed relief to be able to cry and I must've wept gallons in my first year.  Having a bloody good cry does help to relieve stress by the way so most times it's better to just let the tears flow.  Holding down a job isn't easy and it's good that you are employed.  Remember starting a new job is always stressful and it will take time to settle in and become familiar with the new routines so don't beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself when you do start that new job in a month or two.

Be careful about comfort eating because a poor diet does have a negative effect on the brain and will increase depression and reduce your ability to cope with stress.  A good sleep routine is important too for good mental health.  If I'm starting to sound like a social worker it's because I used to be one and old habits die hard 

Physical activity is good, I used to go for a run every morning until the knee I injured in a motorbike accident started to protest.  Seeking something with less impact I took up Tai Chi which I found to be excellent as a way to calm and centre myself.  I used to meditate as well, but then I've been into that kind of thing ever since I was teenager.  I used to suffer a lot with anxiety and I found meditation to be much better than pills for keeping anxiety at bay.

Unfortunately it's in the nature of cars to break down and need money thrown at them.  I used to be a heavy vehicle mechanic in my old life so at least I didn't have to pay labour costs when it came to fixing anything.  All you can really do is try to put a regular sum of money by each week to cover the costs of running a vehicle and not neglect essential maintenance.  I'm no longer able to drive for medical reasons and wow what a big difference it made to my budget once I got rid of the car!

Keep your chin up Serena, things will get better and you won't need to spend money on laser treatments forever.  After twenty four years of living as myself I can tell you with all honesty that it is worth it and things will get easier.

I cry a lot, sometimes hard sometimes not so hard. The job is a emotionally toxic nightmare and given I work with the public its just a matter of time till my gender identity becomes a issues. that combine with he company being the type that slashes employee wages and benefits whenever they think they can get away with it, the type who's management will drag you aside for a 20 minute shouting at because one customer felt there service was not as good as they would like, but who won't even say good job to you when you go above and beyond moving heaven and earth to make something work or fix something its not your job to fix. #^@% that place. They don't realize the first time someone makes something of my gender I am walking out for the day rather than let it get to me. I have enough self worth issues I don't need to stand around and listen as some one tears my life appart, has not happened yet but I figure its a matter of time.

my diet is awful, but my time is generally limited, when you have 10-20 minutes to eat and get to work you cant take your time, and I am far too fat to be one of those people who has a apple and heads off to work, when I am hungry I get upset very very very easily anything sets me off, so I try and keep my stomach happy all 240 pounds of it.

my sleep routine is terrible too, but I have always had a messed up sleep scedual I think i avarage 4-5am bed time and get up for work just after noon most days. Then again i am not home from work till 10:30-11pm. I wish I could be someone who works out because I find it fun, but my back and neck are a mess from years of labor and weight, my weight makes working out a real work out, its miserable and anything I can't do in my home late at night when people are trying to sleep is impossible 5 out of 7 days.

I Hate cars I hate them so so much, if I had a option not to have one I would take it but without it there is no job i could do and no way to reach anything around me, I am not in the middle of nowhere but its a small town little far enough for bigger cities to have zero public transportation. I don't mind spending money on the car, its just always something, a few years ago I manage to save almost 1000$ then I shattered a tooth and it cost 1200$ to fix. something always happens just when I most need things to not happen.

Laser sucks, its expensive, painful, requires I leave the house without make up on that day. and after 4 treatments i have noticed none. or so little as to be no change in my facial hair , I don't look too hard because its a huge trigger for me but still nothing I have noticed, so it feels a lot like buying lottery tickets, ohh sure it could be great but its much more likely I just wasted that money.

I really want to belive that things will get better but my history tells me its more likely to just get worse and worse and worse so that every day my normal is worse than it was before.

I am trying to let go of the things that hurt, but they keep kicking me when I am down and right now I cant feel much of anything driving me to do anything, even watching tv or playing games seems like too much right now. I was hoping haveing today off would let me recover but I am just as shatterd as I was last night, I dont even know if I can face work tomorrow, I never miss work, never, I am late every single day but I dont miss it.

right now my chin is in the dirt, I hope to get back on my knees in the next few days mabye I can put it up in another week or two...or mabye something will happen that makes me feel better suddenly. when the laser thing got me down, I was sure I was done, but I had bounced back by the next afternoon..then the car thing happened, its like the world looked at me and was like "what the heck your still standing, better hit you again"

I dont know where I am going with this because it has been tough to focus my thoughts today but I have to go get on the treadmill, if I miss a day I hate myself more than usual the next day.

Sorry to waste everyones time.

Sorry for being alive,
Serena

Never apologise for being alive.  Lecture over 

Your boss sounds like an absolute prick by the way.

Ya Truccies supermarkets is a awful place to work, even the lower managers hate the place and if I make a joke about burning the place down they offer to hold the lighter.

After I posted that I also posted something on facebook, A friend took acception to it they too are trans and deal with depression and anxiety and contacted me to tell me to be more careful about posting things like that because it could trigger other people. So I felt even worse about everything, up side the conversation with them kept me on the treadmill for another 20 minutes.

So I logged out of face book, it is just stress waiting to happen. I considered cutting off contact here too but I think that would hurt me more than help.

In the shower I realized that posts like the one that started this and the ones that followed, really are not helping me, there mostly just be justifying to myself why I cant do something, and well in some cases I have a point. (running for exercise is right out my breasts hurt way too much when I run due to my weight) I also just come up with excuses. The threads also cause me to dwell on my problems longer and longer. Focusing on the negative thinking so much about my problems it has always been my biggest enemy.

I know its important for me to talk about and work through my problems but I also have to let them go or they will control me. I know this all in a logical sense the way I know there is nothing in the darkness, the way I know the odds of being hit by lighting are so close to zero to be zero but all that is hard to keep in mind when problems start, when darkness decends when lighting strikes.

What I am saying is I am trying to be better to me, I don't know how it will turn out, today was my one day off this week and it was spent tired and depressed, That is not a great way to start the week, and work tomorrow could break me further. I think I should get cheezy motivational slogans tatooed on my arm, things like "where there is life there is hope" and "fear shall clip your wings, let it go and fly" or "do or do not there is no try" Ok I may get the last one because I am a geek.

Sorry for all the drama.
Serena

I'm not a fan of cheezy motivational slogans. I've seen too many posters pasted up by Pointy Haired Bosses in this World Class _____ world.

However, one of my angels from my support group one night while we were talking, and I was sounding soooooo much like you simply replied: Argue For Your Limitations and Sure Enough They are Yours.  It comes from Illusions by Richard Bach of Jonathon Livingston Seagull fame. Something about hit home for me. I thought a lot about it later that night and following day.

A day later the book was on order. Since then it has become a yearly read for me. A lot of great cries are inside those pages. Jonathon Livingston Seagull is pretty good read too. One can easily exchange flying for being trans and it still works.